Spilled Feelings - Blog Posts

if today was my last

If today was my last How would I spend it? would I take in all the little things, gathering all those little details that I have always missed, my head has always been too full of all these things that keep me up at night. Or would I still just float through it all Still just a shell of the kid I once was, all the vibrancy and wonder having left years ago.

Would I go to the library? to collect a few last lines Letting them live on the tip of my tongue. only to set them free with my last breath. letting the feeling of ink on the page, be the last thing my fingertips will feel. the smell of paper and secrets, invading my senses and welcoming me home at last.

Would I go to the school that has hallways I have haunted? having drifted through them, my eyes empty and my brain always too full with all those thoughts. stopping in the classes to whisper a few final goodbyes even though nobody would notice or hear me pausing the disorder and energy in those hallways, for just a few moments, finally letting myself take it all in.

would I go to the forest wherein the deepest part I could lie on its soft grass floor, in the utter calm of it letting my lungs finally breathe in the crisp air, the feeling of its coldness expanding within them. closing my eyes for the last time, finally letting myself feel at peace and safe, hearing the bird's singing floating around me, their cries being the last thing I will ever hear.

My last words will be uttered so softly that not even the wind would hear them, when they escape this prison of my mind, floating away with my final exhale. My last breath will flow out feeling free for the first time, escaping into the world seeing it all.

to the sea

Take me to the sea. Where the air is crisp, and the smell of salt clings to it. Where the winds pull in the sound of the waves to the shore where I can finally hear them calling my name begging me to join them begging me to follow them into the deepest depths

Take me to the cliffs. where I can see the whole world in front of me with the deep sapphire sea stretching out to the horizon where it finally ends on the cliffs where the winds whip around me whispering those words of encouragement beckoning me to the edge telling me to take those last few steps To let those jagged rocks at the bottom welcome me home.

Take me to the forest. Where the trees swallow all the light leaving only the darkness to call my name inviting me to explore The air seems to be alive, swirling around me. Calling to me telling me to rest coaxing me to let the darkness and all the creatures in To let them devour me, control me. To guide me and welcome me home

mama don’t you know

Mama, don’t you know your little baby is sitting in their room? Crying their eyes out screaming for help Screaming for you to help them Begging for you to love them for who they are

Mama, can’t you see the way they're pleading? How their pleading for you to love them For you to finally tell them they're good enough For you to please noticed this once how much they need you.

Mama, do you ignore the blank stares and the emptiness? The way they wear barcodes on their body       How no matter how much they try, they can't get you to love them

Mama, do you ignore all the blood and tears? Pretending you don't hear them crying out at night Acting like you don't notice the blood and bandages.

Mama do you spend your days looking for new ways to hurt them? You filled their heart with all your spite and hatred. Poisoning your little baby before they had a chance to grow Making them believe they were a weed Never let them be able to believe in anything else.

Death is an art practiced with such care

The life, the love, the pain it demands to leave

How can one then just wait?

Nothingness appeals more than the inconsistencies

For what's dead inside had already made peace with fate.

You werent sudden daylight in the dark, you’re the gentle moonlight on a summer night

I thought i crawled my way out of the dark, that i carved a home into that darkness all on my own. I had, in a sense. Then i met you. The darkness had ebbed back a bit from what i did, but when i met you it went from a flood to a kiddy pool. It wasnt sudden, that’s probably why i didnt notice it at first, but that darkness became easier. I went from completely lost, to clawing my way to a better place, to making friends with it, to letting it carry me through life until i met you, and then i started to actually live again. I didnt know how or why but being around you made me feel better. Even when i was dating a friend, even when i saw him in the morning and was happy to see him, i never felt that pure lightness i did when i was around you. And then we broke up. I got closer to you. I was falling in love without even realizing it. I fell in love with you slowly, a little more with every smile and giggle and late night conversation until suddenly i was in too deep to go back. It was like being caught in a riptide, only this time instead of being swept up into the dark i was swept into the arms of the sun. Even after i realized i loved you i didnt tell you for a couple months. I was scared to lose that warmth. I had gotten so used to the chill i didnt even realize i was cold, but then out of seemingly nowhere i was warm. It was completely unexpected but at the same time made complete sense. I didnt realize it was love for a long time, but what else could it be, it made total sense. Gods the first time i hugged you after telling you i love you really did feel like being in the arms of the sun. I used to be scared of physical contact. I still am in most ways, with most people. But with you, with you its a need, a craving so deep i dont think it’ll ever leave and i never want it too. And i dont know how it happened, but falling in love with you made that darkness change. I realized i had been trying to make it go away, but i never needed to do that. It’s still there, but it’s no longer lurking, waiting for me to slip into the undercurrent and carry me away, No. In falling in love with you i fell in love with the world, with life, with myself. It was the small things. The warmth of a hug, of the sun, the color of your eyes, then the color of my eyes, your smile, then one day i realized i didnt hate my smile like i used to. I had convinced myself that i looked horrible smiling and looked much prettier with a neutral expression. But around you i smiled so much, you smiled so much, that it made me realize my smile isnt bad at all. I still think i look prettier without a smile most times, but now i know i dont have a bad smile, and now im not afraid to smile. Which is a good thing bc whenever im around you i wanna smile. Anyway, darkness, sun, tides, all that stuff. I spent so long carving out a spot for myself in the darkness, but it wasnt until i fell in love with you, until i loved you, until you loved me, until i fell in love with pieces of myself and the world, that i realized i was wrong. I didnt need to fight the darkness, wrestle and fight the tide. No, i didnt need to do that at all. Darkness isnt something you fight. It isnt something you push away and reject, it’s something you embrace and let go of. Darkness isnt a fight, it’s a dance. The harder you fight to stay in control the more you get spun around and tripped up. Loving you and loving myself made me realize i needed to stop fighting and flow with the music. I dont need a thousand suns, i dont need a way to fix everything wrong with me, i dont need to think theres a million things wrong with me, i dont need to need anything like that. I just needed to be happy, to accept there are days the darkness is my friend, a comfort when the world gets too much, fuel for when i cant keep going. And there are days that the darkness is very much not my friend, where it is pure fear and stopping me from doing anything, where it makes me lash out and confused and hurt. And that’s ok. I dont need to be in control. I will never be in control of that.

It took falling in love to realize that.

Falling in love isnt the answer to everything, but it helped a lot more than i thought it would. I never looked for love, not like this. No, i didnt fight for this. This love grew naturally, and grew and grew and blossomed into the most beautiful thing. I will fight as hard as i need to keep this love, but i know i will never control it. I never want to control this love. This love that is wild and frantic and panic and soft touches and tender hugs and carefree smiles and safety and healing and good. This love that feels like sleeping after swimming for hours, this love that feels like following the moonlight on a trail to bed, this love that feels like smiling into dying embers on a night in spring when the world feels old and new and ancient and fresh and right. This love that feels like the home i always wanted, feels like the hugs i used to be too scared to want, feels like the world is finally peaceful without it inevitably being ripped away. I will never control this love, i will nevee fight this love, but i will always fight for this love if i need to, i will fight for you if i need to, but i no longer want to fight. I’ve spent years fighting, now i just want to be soft and spend my life with you. My life my heart my time my love it’s all yours

Your eyes that once looked like home

Now look like weapons that killed me.

Your face that once spelled out love

Now spells out grief to me.

.

You once were my cure from humanity,

Now I guess I was never meant to heal.

What once brought out the best in me,

Now brings out the poet in me.

.

Your soul that once meant beauty,

Now means emptiness and vain.

Our love that once made us soulmates,

Now makes us strangers again.

.

Your fictive touch, my anxious rush,

Now I know how grief feels.

Your gentle words and brittle oaths,

Now finally I let you ruin me.

What a subtle form of self harm it is to love you.

Such a gruesome death to die.

What a comfort it is to be to be loved by you.

Such a torment it is to be not.

If I believed in god I would ask him why he did this to me.

But I do not.

If I believed in myself I would ask me how I let this happen.

But I do not

Tw: self harm

Autumn still

The spring air is filled with laughter and serenity.

Not something to be tainted with my goddamn tragedy.

But I am alone and my wrist is bleeding.

Despair surrounds me like death to the grieving.

I don't know peace; I perhaps never will.

For my disconsolate existence it is autumn still.

Pic via pinterest

Him

He was butterflies.

He was anxiety.

He was silent cries.

He was that feeling of empty.

He was reliance.

He was trouble.

He was treacherous.

He was loyal.

He was steady.

He was unstable.

He was needy.

He was unpredictable.

He was my almost lover.

He was a goddamn nightmare.

He was a million little emotions.

Mixed into a disconsolate one.

my sunflower

i looked at you through the cracked screen of my phone. through the cracked and pixelted, you were beautiful: an angel, in my eyes.

you lauged lightly, a mellifluous sound, as i made a joke about one of your multiple ex-girlfriends.

you continued to blab about your current "love inerest" that would probably end within the span of 3-10

crack

the sound of my fragile heart tearing echoed in my ears and inreased slightly more with each word you uttered. it would never be fully-broken, never be fully-healed

always continuing the slow, agonizingly painful, ceaseless torture - like the nightmare that re-occurs every night: you're there, i'm running and running, sweat dripping, thighs burning, flushed face, but i can't seem to move an inch can't seem to get my feet off the ground.

i keep the smiling demeanor on for you.

so i don't worry you

so you're not confused,

so you'll continue to talk to me without any hesitations,

so you won't bother asking why i'm hurting so much inside,

it's all for you

i listen as you talk about her, not realizing that you are chipping pieces off of me second by second, like i'm merely a clay piece for you to play with and abandon once you're done, yet you keep coming back for more, you can't seem to let go.

my smile falters once you end the call saying that your mom called you - probably to set the table or something.

a deep sigh escapes my mouth and the corners of my mouth turn down into a frown.

sluggishly crossing the room, i grab the hoodie; your hoodie, merely a piece of fabric, yet it means so much more to me than you could possibly imagine.

after being repeately washed, it still had that faint smell: you - you, you , and nothing but you.

i slipped the sweater over my head and through my arms - the hoodie fell to about my mid-thigh.

the aroma filled up my senses completely, i felt drunk on you, intoxicated with just the mere scent of you.

i craved for you to be near me, to hold me, to talk about me like you actually want me, and need me - like i need you

The turmoil inside me has begun to settle

That should be a good thing

But now I just feel empty

As if the war inside of me has accepted its defeat

But has not lost hope

I see in your eyes your love for her

And your curiosity of me

I feel in your touch the “what if” of taking it further

The want to do it again

But now I’m wondering if I’ve become an experiment

If these feelings are worth pursuing

Or if the only time I am worthy of your affection

Is when we both have something to blame it on

- It’s not real if we aren’t sober

Eyes like islands in the ocean

The waves of your iris pulling me in

A rip current that can’t be escaped

Sailing toward the whirlpool of your pupil

Drowning in your soul

-These Windows Are Dangerous

Melt in my mouth like poetry

kiss my tears ever so delicately

hold me close to your heart

caress me on those dark nights

cage me in your love like never before

oh darling I still need your love

I still need your love.

"He's a book that doesnt find itself in the front showcase of the bookstore, not in the popular aisles, no. It's the one you'll stumble upon when least expected, it lurks in the corners which the common reader seldom visits. Or it might tumble on you when you're not looking, catching you by your breathe, making you fall hard, making you fall fast.

But when it's is finally found, I stop my brain before it's filled with thoughts on the cover, for a good book can't be judged that way, it's common knowledge. 

I run my fingers through unintended pages , reading the random excerpts word by word. Page by page, phrase by phrase, the book makes me want to stay. It makes me want to read it patiently, not possibly all at once, for its just not possible. It's pages over pages of just art, waiting in the dark to be perceived.

It takes away your breath with each sentence, compelling you to comprehend the obvious beauty and beyond all, the meaning, the purpose and the pain.

Even if one manages to reach the last word, he's the book that would never suffices you in just one reading. So, I read it over and over and over again, never having enough. The simple complexities, the rhymes and rythmes, the perfect  imperfections , the utter beauty and the guarded mysteries that leave me hanging each time, wanting more.

In quest of learning all of him, one can live a life, content, forever; for one will be loving the outcast charm that's this book, forever."

-mauli

Sometimes the scenarios i make up in my head amaze me.

They are so beautiul, so dreamy, so perfect, so much *needed*, it makes my heart ache from the thought that they can never come true, not ever in the exact same dreamy manner as they do in my mind. I would never find that perrffectt person and never will those deliberate- indeliberate touches and talks and gazes and moments happen...

It leaves me longing and hopeless, I guess my expectations from life , at moments, become too far-fetched.

The only way out, to turn them into reality, is to-

write down the scenario,

develop a story that is actually comprehensible (paiinnnn),

write a novel,

knock doors of publishing houses,

get it published,

work to make it a bestseller,

become a filmwriter and director,

find a producer,

get external validation for script and find rest of the crew ;))

find the perfect music that goes with my fantasy,

find the handpicked perfect cast,

and make it into a adaptation movie.

(excuse the inaccuracy my process. i am not well acquainted with all this, at least not in this universe, but that is just how i imagine)

Then all my dreams *might* come true. Is it too much? or a bare neccesity for my dream to reality journey, i will never know i guess...

(this also totaly disrupts my path of pursuing STEM career, leaving another dilemma at my hand. Life just wouldnt stop being so *REAL*, now, would it ? :I Now my options are a) Reincarnation, b) discover multiverse and travel to the universe where i did write a novel and make a movie about it, by myself, and watch that.... arghh the things we do for the love of love )

this was just a thought, no self-emotions were hurt in this post (ok, maybe a few) (excruciating pain right in middle of heart, a major headache here and there.)

I've never gulped water with such rush. With such restlessness, like i do now. I hope for it to fill me up. Completely. From inside. Like its a heavy plug. The hole in my chest would stop bleeding for once, and my heart would float for a second in the emptiness, it used to drown in.

-mauli

I had so much to say to you, but in the end, I just said goodbye.

It wasn’t good, but I meant every word

I want to cry but what’s the point ? The tears only hurt and disappoint

I think I'm over you today,

but I know I'll miss you again tomorrow

I'm not ready to forget-

not yet,

So please just stay inside my mind,

Until I'm strong enough to say goodbye

You tore every good thing apart,

until only you were left inside my empty heart

It feels like you’re stuck inside my chest and you’re breaking me with every breath I take

We couldn’t heal together so we must suffer apart

Time can’t heal me from you, everyday I replay a memory or two,

it may never come true but all I wish for is you

I loved the Colors in your eyes, the softness of your mouth, the beauty within your mind and the evil you tried to hide

what had once filled me with

a feeling of happiness and satisfaction

has left me with ugly horizontal scars,

many that are still healing.

what once was beautiful red blood

has become pink and white scars,

they now fill my body...

and i feel so ugly.

A mess from the best

Ain’t like the rest .

She was blessed by the man

With his shoulders at rest .

A danger to the devil from the inside , out

As her emotions were made to be numbed out .

Like hitler , wanting you to be his butler ,

Hid in the darkness from the stars ,

Never knew what it was like to see past the dark .

It’s a shame , but we don’t pass the blame ,

especially when your blinded by The other game .

Now she can see , so much more clearly ,

She is starting to look a lot more pearly .

The sadness in her eyes , are replaced with the sunlight .

The breeze on her skin , awakens her inner self esteem,

Something you tried to keep locked in .

A beautiful soul, you tried to hide ,

Hid beneath your evil eye .

The man with the rainbow eyes , clearly showed up in perfect time .

Her soul was crushing , a big mistake,

Made from the man, with the holes in his skin,

Who now has nothing to sink his claws in .

@trueemotions91

To be scared is a under statement,

That fear no longer dwindles in my bones ,

Tumblr has taught me ,

Friends are just ghosts , or empty egg shells.

Strangers have more empathy then the man next door,

I was just a fool ,

all along , playing to the devils own dirty tune .

Emotions that ran high ,

Words that didn’t make much sense ,

To a soul opened my eyes

By just a few tiny words.

I realise now ,

it is not, who is here to pick up the phone

It’s the ones who are in the dark

But yet take the time to pass your name in there own daily thoughts.

Yet I’ve done nothing for them, yet there speak of me so kindly.

In this world that’s distracted by so much colour,

Them bright doors don’t hold the key to this earths heavens,

It is the doors that are hid in the darkest shadows,

waiting for someone to find them, to help them flourish.

So Don’t go looking for the brightest light ,

Search for the darkest gate

that’s where we will find all things beautiful in

such a dark cold world,

that’s flourished with colour To distract us ,

from the true treasures of this world .

@trueemotions91

@tammyfeabakker

When everyone else is no longer there .

You see , the sun smiles on a sunny day

But hides when the clouds come to play ,

That’s just how it goes

But one thing I know

Is ,it always comes and goes,

It never stays in the same place

Because we don’t move at a snail pace ,

You see , you just have to watch the space

To open the gates ,

To all the things you misplaced

it will then ,all fall into place .

Just don’t hide from the same game

That’s got you playing in a hoop

Coz the game we play , ain’t a loop

We go high, we go low,

We go from side to side

But we never stay still

We keep climbing that hill

Coz it don’t matter about the pills

Or the window sill

You sat on for so long ,

Waiting for Them To sing you a song

As long as you keep moving along .

Then it don’t matter if no one is there

You can do it all alone .

@trueemotions91