Tw Religious Trauma - Blog Posts

For me it was moral perfectionism, i would constantly feel like i'm evil and immoral. I would sometimes become a doormat and let others push me around for the sake of that sweet, sweet, moral high ground. And back when i was religious, i would cope with others pushing me around by thinking "they'll be going to hell anyways".

Open discussion: has anyone dealt with perfectionism that most likely came from years of religious trauma?

‘Nightcrawler’ seems to be feeding into the demonic stigma that Kurt faces.

In personal experiences, demons have always been creatures of the night. They ‘fear the light of the Lord’, as is said in the Bible. Their dealings are shadowed in darkness, and they are coated in flames of righteous fury in Hell. They stench of sulfur and brimstone, associating them with a putrid yellow and a furious red. They have been depicted as having pointed tails and horns in media, also sometimes possessing anthropomorphic qualities like a goat’s eyes or legs. Kurt may not have horns, but he has the tail, often the anthropomorphic hands, feet, and legs, and those pure yellow eyes. His main color is blue, yes but there’s also that red and yellow- both colors associated with something vile and evil. And many monsters in literate media are described to be clambering or ‘crawling’ towards unsuspecting humans. And when Kurt fights, he often ‘crawls’ towards his enemies when he’s not ‘banf’ing around. And the white gloves and shoes come off as him trying to ‘purify’ his touch, like a priest or the Pope who both wear white. The color is associated with purity and beauty, and Heaven in some Christian beliefs, and Kurt is catholic. He seems to be attempting to distance himself from demonic imagery and his father Azazel as much as he can, considering what the man has done and how he seems even more like a demon than Kurt both in name and appearance, turning to God and religion in the process. And yet, Xavier turns all that away and keeps that name given to him by the circus and gives him a uniform that feed more into that demonic imagery.

Though the name didn’t originate with Xavier, his choice to keep it for Kurt has always felt a bit off and almost capitalizing off the imagery to maintain control.

Finally back home and I decided to draw more moral orel fanart but this time focusing on clay!! :3c

TW: religious themes/trauma, Implied domestic abuse CW: Straining/Bright colours

Vote for Norman, he’s from a disturbing song about religious abuse. Don’t know the source media? Spend less than 5 minutes listening to this song.  (Trigger warnings for religious abuse/religious trauma, disturbing imagery, and bugs including spiders.) Now you do. Also, the name “Norman Minecraft” was decided by the fans. 

major bracket round 1 group d

Thank you so much for sharing. In truth I was a little worried my post would not be well received, but I just wanted to let you know that even with the difficulties that you experienced, you still came out on top and became a remarkable person, not because of the pain but in spite of it. 

You are a wonderful person, and I am so glad to have known you.

Do Memories of Your Religious Upbringing Leave You Feeling Afraid?

Do you know the story of the city of sodom in the bible? You know, in Genesis 19? You know how angels warned Lot and his family to flee the city and not look back? How in the end they were riding out of the city as it was being destroyed, but the wife could not help but look back, and was turned into a pillar of salt as punishment? That story upset me terribly as a kid. It seemed so cruel, and just for what? That sick feeling in your gut that makes you watch on even though you know you shouldn't?

I mean, I know now why it upset me so much. I would've looked too. It's absurd--

Not the other wild claims that were preached to us, interpretations rather than written word, while we all sat there drinking in the words like they were absolute. It was the damn pillar of salt that got me, that just ate me up inside. I can't help myself, I have to look. Every time. It's a real damned if I do, damned if I don't situation and all my life I've been told this ache to reach into the unknown horrors is wrong.. at least until I moved, anyways.

How could a deity punish something as wonderful as free thinking? Or curiosity? These stories make me wonder where the real harm was, or was it just simply another story to inspire fear in the hearts of men from as long back as fear possibly existed.

I want to be divorced from the inner child in me that still deep down believes it, and is half is expecting to be  struck dead for breathing life to such thoughts

And then there's the thought that's just outside of my periphery of "Oh, well what would you do of you had that level of power, Jules? Hmm?" And that just makes my brain buzz with anxiety because I know I'd doom us all.

Do Memories of Your Religious Upbringing Leave You Feeling Afraid?

Do you know the story of the city of sodom in the bible? You know, in Genesis 19? You know how angels warned Lot and his family to flee the city and not look back? How in the end they were riding out of the city as it was being destroyed, but the wife could not help but look back, and was turned into a pillar of salt as punishment? That story upset me terribly as a kid. It seemed so cruel, and just for what? That sick feeling in your gut that makes you watch on even though you know you shouldn't?

I mean, I know now why it upset me so much. I would've looked too. It's absurd--

Not the other wild claims that were preached to us, interpretations rather than written word, while we all sat there drinking in the words like they were absolute. It was the damn pillar of salt that got me, that just ate me up inside. I can't help myself, I have to look. Every time. It's a real damned if I do, damned if I don't situation and all my life I've been told this ache to reach into the unknown horrors is wrong.. at least until I moved, anyways.

How could a deity punish something as wonderful as free thinking? Or curiosity? These stories make me wonder where the real harm was, or was it just simply another story to inspire fear in the hearts of men from as long back as fear possibly existed.

I want to be divorced from the inner child in me that still deep down believes it, and is half is expecting to be  struck dead for breathing life to such thoughts

And then there's the thought that's just outside of my periphery of "Oh, well what would you do of you had that level of power, Jules? Hmm?" And that just makes my brain buzz with anxiety because I know I'd doom us all.

jackforeman​:

Though Adam was right, that he hadn’t killed anyone, either, that didn’t absolve him of the guilt from hurting Steve. In truth, he probably could have killed him, if what he’d heard was true and that he’d kicked the living daylights out of someone who was supposed to be one of his best friends. For what, though? Jack had no idea. Maybe to set off explosive fireworks, but those hadn’t even been his, and he and Adam would never intentionally do something to hurt people like that. They just wouldn’t.

Jack watched Adam’s face grow colorless, as though he’d seen the ghost of himself in Jack’s own eyes as he recounted what had happened. Adam had died, too? His mind raced like the red string on Jo’s board. Adam had known for weeks that he’d been dead, even from the first day that they’d come back from the commune. The forest community that they’d apparently been sent to, but in reality, they’d both come out of the forest rising from the dead. It made absolutely no sense. 

“Hold on,” he said slowly, pulling away from Adam to place his hands on his friend’s shoulders. “You’re telling me that we came out of the commune,” he lifted a hand, flexing his fingers in air quotes, “right, but we’d both been actually dead the entire time. So, the commune … it couldn’t have existed, did it?” It sounded insane, but it was the only thing that made sense, at least right now. “Because … you were there, and I was there, but we actually weren’t. Did it not actually exist at all, or were there just some people there, and they grouped us in with them?” The questions he had were all rhetorical, all ones that neither Jack nor Adam could answer right now, but he at least knew someone who could attempt to tackle the unanswerable. “Jo has this board, this … it’s a murder board, but she doesn’t call it that. But, whatever. Not the point. There has to be something on there that would help us figure this shit out.”

Jack pulled his hands from Adam’s shoulders, taking a seat on the edge of his bed. “I know. I’m sorry, too. I had no idea … I didn’t know that you, you know, died, too. I’m just glad that we have each other.” He paused, turning toward him. “Do you remember anything, at all? Like, about the afterlife? Because I can’t remember shit. It’s like it never happened.”

Neither of them had chosen to commit the actions that they had, Adam understood that. But he was struggling with forgiving himself, even now. He might not have made the decisions, but it had been him doing it regardless. While he could understand logically that he wasn’t responsible, it would take him some time to process the fact that he wasn’t guilty. That he hadn’t killed anyone - the Mindflayer had. The...Doppelganger had, if Max was right. But it was hard to believe that when those things sounded so insane. He had never heard of anything like that before, and Adam tried to be a pretty level-headed guy. Believing in outlandish stuff just wasn’t something that worked for him, usually. But he knew now that he needed to try to believe in it if he wanted a shot at forgiving himself for the things his body had done. 

As Jack put his hands on Adam’s shoulders, Adam looked at him in confusion. He could tell Jack was putting something together, realizing some truth about their situation. “...I don’t know,” He admitted, shaking his head. “I think it had to, right? Why else would Peter be around? Why would they want us to be going to therapy?” How could all of that just... be a coverup? And what were they covering up, if that was what it was? It made Adam’s head hurt to think about, and he just wasn’t sure he could believe all of that. “Not everyone could have died! How would...how could that many people just... come back?” None of this made any sense. Why them? What had Adam ever done to deserve being resurrected? “We just... maybe we came back, and it was around the time they found everyone else, and so they lumped us together?” He shook his head again, not being able to rationalize all of this. “We should talk to Peter. He would know. Right?” 

At the mention of Jo’s murder board, Adam bit his lip. He wasn’t exactly excited by the idea of going over to Jack’s house and seeing his sisters, if he was being honest. Jo hadn’t kicked his ass last time, but what if she’d changed her mind since? Or what if Julie did? 

Jack sat down, and Adam hesitantly followed. Perching on the bed beside him, he kept some distance between the two even now. “Jack, you have nothing to be sorry about.” Adam told him seriously. He was glad to have Jack too, in a way, but that seemed horrifying to admit considering Adam had been the one to kill him. He let out a shaky breath at the mention of an afterlife, hand subconsciously coming up to touch the crucifix that still hung around his neck even after all this time. “...no.” Adam admitted quietly. “There wasn’t anything. Just nothing, and then us waking up in the woods.” 

chancecunningham​:

chance had undoubtedly come in hot with his questions, but he was at a loss. he’d been raised christian, which meant that to him, there had always been a clear line between good and evil. god and devil. it all used to be so black and white. but now…good people were doing terrible things. good people that he knew. people like adam. as his friend began to explain himself, chance clenched his jaw and did his best to listen.

“yo what do you mean?” chance asked as he rubbed the back of his neck and stared at adam, “like…you don’t remember anything? don’t remember yelling at cole to leave you alone and shit?” at the word ‘black out,’ he let out a scoff, “fucking christ, richards. you were drunk?” when adam shifted the focus to chance, he waved off his injury nonchalantly. “i’m fine,” the cut above his eyebrow had thankfully been the worst of it. 

chance wasn’t sure what he believed in anymore. he knew good and evil weren’t as black and white as he’d been raised to believe they, but he’d never considered that there was anything more powerful than god or the devil. but now…looking at adam…chance could see that he wasn’t lying. and this thing that had been possessing him…it felt more evil than the devil. “who put you guys up to this, adam? like…cause it wasn’t just you…i mean…heather halloway fucking lifted steve off the ground with her bare hands.” chance lifted both of his hands up like he was choking an invisible steve, “like…by the neck.” a beat. “it was like she wasn’t even human, man…like…” chance didn’t know what to think beyond that, so he just asked questions in circles. “you don’t know anything?”

Adam had distanced himself from the church a bit after he started dating Cole, but that didn’t mean that he’d stopped believing entirely. He had just worried about being part of a group that thought that what he felt for Cole was a sin. But Cole had known how much it mattered to Adam; he had shown him the research that he’d done on whether you could be both part of the church and gay. Not because Cole believed in any of it himself - he didn’t - but he knew that it mattered to Adam. And now, things were even more complicated than before. Because... how could someone who had strived their whole life to be good and do the right thing suddenly be capable of evil? What had Adam done to deserve this, or Jack for that matter? Was there even a Heaven or a Hell, and did Adam coming back mean that he didn’t deserve either? 

At the mention of what he’d done at the carnival, Adam flinched. Chance was upset, and he had a right to be. From the outside, Adam’s behavior made no sense and the things he had done were terrible. “No, I don’t,” He shook his head, distressed at the thought of yelling at Cole “I didn’t mean to.” Adam’s gaze snapped back up to Chance, eyes hardening at the implication that he’d been drunk that night. “I didn’t take or drink anything! I don’t know what happened, Chance! But I wasn’t drunk!” 

He wished he knew what had possessed them. Cole had called it the Mindflayer, but that meant nothing to Adam. He had never heard of anything like it, and he didn’t even know where to start looking into it. Research was more Cole’s area of expertise anyway. “I don’t know, Chance. Something... was controlling us, apparently.” Adam didn’t know how much it was okay to share with his best friend - did he tell him the whole truth or not? It wasn’t exactly something someone could just unknow once they’d heard it. Adam stared in shock at the image of Heather choking Steve and picking him up by the neck - he hadn’t heard that graphic detail yet. Jesus Christ. “I don’t know how we were suddenly super strong, or why she did that, man. I just know that I can’t remember it and apparently that’s how I was acting three years ago when... right before the forest commune thing happened.” Adam covered, not sure how Chance might take the news that he’d died. 

jackforeman​:

As the door closed behind them, Jack felt himself suck in an anxious breath, as though all of the air in Adam’s room filled his lungs. It hung still between them for a moment until Adam spoke, letting out the first apology of what was bound to be many. Jack felt sorry, too, even though he was the one who had died at the hands of his best friend, the same ones that were shoved in the pockets of the familiar sweatshirt. In a flash, they could have been coming toward him again, locking his wrists behind his back, leading him toward whatever that thing was in the warehouse. 

But that wasn’t the Adam he knew. It wasn’t the same person that stood before him in his childhood bedroom, where they used to play cards and talk about the girls Jack now knew Adam was never into. It was another secret, piled onto the heap that people had been keeping from him. Like the others, it wasn’t one he could blame Adam for. If he had shown up at his own doorstep, he would’ve lied to himself, too, like Steve and Julie had when they’d omitted the part where he had come back from the dead. He didn’t blame Jo, either, for claiming that the board in the basement wasn’t hers until they needed it. The culmination of being kept in such darkness after losing years of his life, though? Jack was coming close to breaking.

If his memory was correct, it was Adam who had been the one who took those years away from him. Maybe it wasn’t Adam at the wheel of his own free will, but deep down, there was a piece of his friend in there, in the dream. He wanted to be mad, to blame everything on Adam: it would’ve been easier that way. After the carnival, though, and recognizing the feeling of having no autonomy over his own body, Jack simply couldn’t. It looked like Adam was ready for him to kick the shit out of him, like he’d done to Steve, but this was his Adam, his best friend, and there was nothing inside of him that would let him willingly hurt him.

“I have a feeling I’m not safe to be around, either,” he said finally, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. “That’s what you were going to tell me, before the carnival, wasn’t it? That you–that I died.” The word still stung on his tongue; he couldn’t come to say it without wincing. “I know, it couldn’t have been you, if that wasn’t us at the carnival, either.” Jack paused, taking a small step forward, slow, so as to not scare Adam. “I don’t hate you. I could never.” Another step, before his arm was wrapped around Adam’s, the other coming around his shoulder, bringing Adam into his embrace. “I promise.” 

Adam was trying to keep his distance from Jack, not for his own safety, but in case it was true. In case he had killed his best friend. After what Jo had said, and what Adam knew from talking to Cole, it made sense. As much as Adam didn’t want to believe that he could be capable of that - even in the worst circumstances - he knew he wasn’t in control of his own body when he blacked out. Whatever he had done, he hadn’t decided to do it.

That didn’t fully absolve him of guilt, though. Adam knew he hadn’t chosen to hurt Jack, but that didn’t mean his body hadn’t been used as a weapon to kill. And no matter how much Adam wished he could, he couldn’t fix the damage he’d done three years ago. The worst part was, Adam didn’t even remember it. He didn’t remember doing whatever he had done to Jack - but Jack did. Jack had to live with that visual now, and all of the pain and terror that came with it. 

No part of Adam would have blamed Jack for showing up to kick his ass. He wouldn’t fight back at all, afraid of hurting Jack again in the process. Adam frowned at Jack’s confession, wanting to argue but he couldn’t. If what he’d heard about the carnival was true, maybe none of them ever would be safe to be around. Not while they were having the blackouts. “You didn’t kill anyone, though,” Adam said, pausing on the word kill. It still felt wrong to say, like the action itself. 

“...yes,” Adam admitted quietly, thinking back to that day in the Foreman’s basement. It felt like a lifetime ago - back when his biggest issue was whether or not he had really died. Adam knew the truth now; he knew that he had. He knew that Jack had. “Cole told me I’d died the first time I saw him after we got back. I didn’t... I didn’t believe him, at first. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want you to have to know that either, unless you wanted to.” Adam hadn’t wanted to force that truth on Jack. It had been impossible for Adam to process himself at first. “Not because of what I did to you. I wasn’t trying to hide that, because I don’t remember it. I just didn’t want to fuck up your life with news like that.” Because while Adam didn’t blame Cole for telling him... it had caused so much grief. So many nights lying awake, wondering why he hadn’t gone to Heaven or Hell. Wondering what he had done to deserve dying at nineteen years old, right in the prime of his life. Wondering how he had died, if he had died. Jack didn’t deserve to have those same thoughts. 

As Jack approached him, Adam wanted to take a step back. The more distance, the less likely it was that something bad could happen to either of them. But he stood his ground, taking in the words of forgiveness he didn’t feel he deserved. Not entirely, at least. I don’t hate you. I could never. The words made Adam’s eyes tear up, and he returned Jack’s embrace tightly. “I’m so sorry, Jack. I’m sorry.”

loverboymontgomery​:

The rush of tears made Cole feel lightheaded and, despite his frantic blinking, they spilled down his cheeks. It was him. Adam was okay. He knew it was his him when he heard the layers of guilt in his voice, when his boyfriend angled his head to the floor. Cole hated seeing him like this, maybe just as much as he hated seeing out-of-body Adam. “Sweetheart,” Cole cooed, attempting to make his brittle voice sound comforting.

“Of course… Of course I want you here. Will you come sit by me?” he asked gently, though internally he felt like he was twelve years old, begging his mother not to leave him at bedtime. He was afraid of what happened, of course. But more than he was afraid for his own safety, he was terrified of what all of this meant for Adam. A pang of guilt swirled amidst the fear; Cole should’ve told Adam everything he knew, right away.

As Adam sat next to him, still cautious, afraid of something, Cole reached out his arm, offered his hand. “I’m okay,” he promised. “I’ll be fine. Are you okay? Did you get hurt?” He searched Adam’s body for any sign of injury and met his eyes. Cole desperately wished that this was all they had to talk about, that Adam could climb into bed with him and things could be simple. But he knew better, and he wouldn’t leave Adam in the dark, not again.

Painfully, Cole twisted and picked up his water, needing some relief for his throat before he dared dive into this. “You don’t remember anything?” he asked, eyes lingering on the crease in Adam’s brow. He desperately wanted to shield Adam from this, to never tell him what horrible things had been done and said through his body.

Cole was crying again, in anticipation for how much this was going to hurt Adam. Adam, who couldn’t fathom hurting another person or letting someone down. Adam, who was always so good, who happily took on the burden of being the strong one, the shoulder to cry on. Adam, who deserved better than all of this. Cole bit down on his trembling lower lip, willing himself to keep it together, if only for Adam’s sake.

“Before you died,” he began cautiously, knowing that even saying that much was still shocking, “You were different. It wasn’t you. I didn’t know until later, but you were… possessed, I guess. By this thing they call the Mindflayer. It made you act different and then… it killed you. Or, it died and you died with it.” The whole thing still hurt his head, honestly, and there weren’t nearly enough answers. “I don’t know how or who or why but… you came back. And I think it’s happening again… it controlling you. I thought you were going to die again,” he choked back another influx of tears, remembering that horrifying moment at the carnival.

Cole had immediately recognized the similarities between Adam at the carnival and Adam the last day he saw him– the stiffness of his body, the coldness of his tone, the cruelty of his words. He hoped Adam never found out about that moment. Swiping at his cheek with the back of his hand, Cole met Adam’s eyes again and tried for an encouraging smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, and I’m sorry I don’t have more answers. But we’ll figure it out. Together, like you said.” He lifted Adam’s hand to his lips, ignoring the shooting pain from his ribcage. “I promise, love, we’ll figure it out.” He didn’t know what figuring it out meant, not even remotely, but he knew he wasn’t going anywhere until they did.

Adam wouldn’t have blamed him if Cole had told him to leave. Because Adam didn’t know what he had or hadn’t done - especially to Cole - but he knew it couldn’t be pretty. He was just so fucking worried that his nightmare really was a memory, that he’d said those things and shoved Cole up against a wall and nearly choked him. He wouldn’t be mad at Cole if he was scared of him, because until Adam got some answers, he was pretty scared of himself.

But his chest ached when Cole called him Sweetheart, voice rough but so Cole. That alone made him want to cry and hold him and tell him that he’d never ever ever want to do something to upset Cole again. And when Cole asked him to sit with him? Adam had no choice but to walk closer, sitting down gently on the edge of the bed, farther away from Cole than he would normally. As much as Adam wanted to seek comfort from his boyfriend, he didn’t want to jostle any of his injuries.

“Are you sure?” Adam asked urgently, blue eyes studying Cole closely. He knew he wasn’t physically okay - he had broken a rib. But how was he handling all of this emotionally? Cole had a tendency to be in denial of things, to want them to be perfect even when everything was falling apart around them. And Adam needed to know that he wasn’t doing that right now. “Baby, you have to tell me if you’re not okay. Please. I can’t,” He took a deep breath, pressing his lips into a thin line. “I can’t handle it if you’re not honest.”

He reflexively tried to reach for the water for Cole, to take care of him without even being asked. But Cole could do it himself. He didn’t need Adam to smother him right now, no matter how much Adam wanted to. He slowly lowered his hands back to his lap, clasping his knees tightly. “Not from the carnival,” Adam admitted sadly, biting his lip. “Just riding the Tunnel of Love, and then I woke up to you being put into an ambulance.” He finally let himself lean a little closer, needing physical contact to ground himself. His hand slipped into Cole’s, squeezing it gently.

Adam hated seeing Cole cry. If he could do something to make it better, to shield him from whatever pain he was facing, he would. Adam would shoulder any burden if it meant keeping Cole happy and healthy and safe. He would do anything in the world that Cole Montgomery asked him to do - something that had been true since they met in early high school. Gently, he leaned forward and wiped away Cole’s tears with his free hand, touch feather light against his skin.

And then Adam’s world collapsed.

“I…what?” He asked, confusion lacing his voice. That didn’t make any sense. He had been possessed? By…by a demon, or something like that? For one gut wrenching moment, Adam worried that maybe this was God’s way of punishing him for being who he was. For who he loved. But Cole called it the Mindflayer, and that didn’t sound like any demon he’d ever heard about in church on Sunday. “So I really died?” Adam begged Cole to lie, to tell him that he was kidding. But something in his eyes said that this was true. He didn’t even try to stop the tears that were flowing down his cheeks now, letting them hit the starched sheets of Cole’s hospital bed.

“What if I am?” He asked, lip trembling at the thought. Adam didn’t want to die. He was still so young - there was so much of the world he wanted to see. He wanted to live with and love Cole for as many years as possible, not die before he’d even turned 25. Right now, he needed to comfort Cole though, and he leaned forward to sob on his shoulder, free hand wrapping around his neck as gently as possible. In the nightmare he’d wanted to do that out of anger, but now the only thing Adam felt for Cole was love. Love and guilt for putting him through this.

“I do remember… something from before. Or maybe it isn’t a memory, maybe it was a - a nightmare, or something,” He rambled, tears continuing to fall as his thumb rubbed over the back of Cole’s neck from the uncomfortable position he was committing to. “I…or, it wasn’t me but it was me. It was my body. I was so mean to you, and I shoved you against a wall and told you to leave me alone. I thought I was going to kill you, Cole. But I…I stopped it. I don’t know what I did, but I stopped it.” Adam told him, sobbing into the space between Cole’s neck and shoulder. Maybe this wasn’t fair - maybe he shouldn’t be acting like this when it was Cole in the hospital, not him. But fuck, Adam needed comfort. Adam needed to know Cole was alive and that they could get through it together. That Cole didn’t hate him or blame him. “I love you.” He whispered when his tears felt like they might begin to subside. “I love you more than anything, Walden.”

thequeenofhawkins​:

There were only a handful of people that made Chrissy feel truly safe or like herself. At the top of that list rested Adam Richards. Childhood best friend. Ex-boyfriend. Closest friend. She felt like there was no one she knew better. Cut from the same cloth, some would say. They both ticked off that boy-next-door/girl-next-door behavior and both deserved more than what they were dealt from life. Namely? Death. 

Chrissy shut the door behind her, given Adam’s permission. She let out a soft laugh. If anything, Adam’s mom would probably leap with joy knowing they were in his bedroom with the door shut. She knew their parents hoped that it would be Chrissy and Adam that ended up together in the end, which would never happen in a million years. “Tell me about it. My mom wanted to get me drug tested when I came back home,” and Laura Cunningham had drug tested her daughter, only for the test to come back negative. 

“The same,” she answered, vaguely. Whenever Chrissy thought back to her time on the commune, she couldn’t remember anything. If she tried hard enough she could remember being in Eddie’s trailer, then in the forest, and then back home, but any memory of the forest just felt like a memory that wasn’t hers. Like, they belonged to someone else or… they weren’t entirely real at all. “What do you mean?” She asked, turning her head towards him. The more she thought about it, Chrissy was able to convince herself that she had willingly gone, even through all the fallacies. “Like, that we were never there?”

Chrissy was probably his closest friend besides Cole. She knew so much about him; so many small personal details she’d accumulated over the years of them being family friends, then awkward boyfriend/girlfriend, and finally actual friends. Being around her had become so much easier once he had come out - he felt like she really understood him. She had seen the bad with the good, and accepted him because of who he was. In Adam’s eyes, there was no one in the world with a better heart that Chrissy Cunningham.

Rebecca Richards had always wanted them to end up together - she had taken their breakup worse than anyone else. Adam had had to assure her multiple times that they weren’t getting back together, no matter how perfect they seemed for one another. They were better off as friends. And though he couldn’t tell her this - Adam was gay. If he could fall in love with a girl, it would be someone like Chrissy, but he just wasn’t interested. He hadn’t been since the moment he met Cole Montgomery and he realized that he could only ever love him. “Thank god mine didn’t. Although, maybe we should have,” He said, brow furrowing in thought. After all, Adam thought there was a good chance that maybe they had been drugged with something unless Cole was right about everything.

Adam was terrified about what not remembering meant. If there was nothing to remember, and he had died, did that mean he hadn’t gone to Heaven or Hell? It had been years since Adam had really felt like he belonged in church, and he really didn’t know if he could believe in a God that hated him for being in love with Cole, but..... he just couldn’t believe that he’d gone no where. Adam really didn’t like thinking about that. “No, I mean...well, maybe?” Adam shrugged. “Maybe we were drugged and taken there or something.” He proposed, preferring to believe that rather than the possibility that he had died. 

PALADIN KRISTEN. i will die on this hill.

i don't want kristen to lose her faith entirely. i think back to prompocalypse, talking to the ether the gods get their answers from, and saying into the ether that she cares. she wants a god that cares, not just about her but about all the good people she wishes she could help, because if there's nobody more powerful that cares then it's her responsibility to care for them and she's not a god. she couldn't trust her family to care, couldn't trust her church, couldn't even trust her god, and she had to step up and be the person who cares even though she's just a clumsy kid who got her girlfriend newspaper-copying putty for a joint anniversary/birthday gift.

[and then she makes cassandra, still desperate for that perfect god that she can trust to protect people for her. but cassandra, just like yes, is created and controlled by her and thus entirely dependent on her and her ever-changing ideals. kristen still only trusts herself to do right by people, so the only god she will accept is one that she designs to be just like her and indulge her every phase and that means without her there to decide what the god should be there is no god. there is no morality to a religion that bends to your every will because your actions don't have consequences - cassandra and yes weren't created to be good, just to give power to kristen when she wants it. and that means that all of the responsibility still falls on kristen to be good.]

because the alternative would be being complicit, and kristen cannot rest unless she is doing everything possible that she can to help people. and so she never rests. even doing nothing, she's wandering labyrinths in her head trying to be better and find the answer, and she can't let herself take a break from trying to be better without being plagued by guilt. she can't push let go of the guilt because she's seen first-hand what happens when people don't feel guilt or question themselves.

and in the summer starting junior year she and tracker break up and the guilt becomes unbearable and suddenly she can't remember why she let herself feel it. so she stops feeling guilty. she forgets to heal her friends, she devotes herself to her own body (my faith is mostly physical, tracker had once said, kristen doesn't remember what she meant by that) and she breaks all the promises she made to protect cassandra. she stops caring.

until she sees bucky again. until she sees her parents again. she remembers why she wanted to fight to stop bad things from happening to good people, and more importantly she remembers what happens when you don't question yourself. how mac and donna follow their beliefs blindly and never questioned whether they could be wrong if they could be better. how they promised to love her and left her to suffer, how helio let the people he swore to love suffer, and how she was leaving cassandra to suffer. and she doesn't realise until after that cassandra wanted to help. cassandra was always encouraging kristen to grow the church not just because she couldn't rely on kristen to keep her alive but because she knew kristen couldn't handle the responsibility of keeping her alive on her own.

kristen chose to be a cleric of cassandra because she thought cassandra was good and wanted them to have a religion. it was the only way to revive her, but if she can grow the church then kristen would be free to work on herself with cassandra being free to take care of her, not the other way around. as a paladin kristen could take an oath she will always believe in - an oath to care and love her friends, perhaps - and trust that cassandra's church will still be helping people on a large scale even when kristen needs a break. kristen can get swole and learn to fight and know in her heart that what she's fighting for is right. she can trust that cassandra wouldn't bless her if she didn't deserve it, and in that trust she doesn't have to worry so much about being a perfect person because she knows she's good.

listen. listen. as a pastor kid ex-ministry person who left the toxic religious group they were raised in. it’s not about cassandra being rad or not (she is i really think she is). it’s about whether or not kristen can make peace with what being devout means. if she can take that leap of faith. if she can really settle in on a belief system and ask others to do the same.

i think this arc is gonna be about kristen giving up on cleric and reclassing (my guess on barb) because this is about kristen finally FINALLY giving up on how she was raised. she didn’t need to a different god. she needs to reject, wholly, that lifestyle and figure out the best version of herself and what she needs. maybe she doesn’t need to be a cleric. maybe trying to force herself to be one is perpetuating the harm she escaped. maybe she can step back.

i think this will have HUGE complications. but it really feels like ally is interested in explored why kristen has struggled this whole time with this. maybe she doesn’t want to be a cleric at all.

ME

Religious Trauma Flag

[PT: Religious Trauma Flag]

This flag is exclusive for those who have religious trauma, doesn’t matter what type of religious trauma. Just literally has to be religious trauma.

[ID: none yet]

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