Stupid Feelings - Blog Posts

What it feels like to

What it feels like to break a bond that was never there

What it feels like to wake up from a dream and realise reality is here

What it feels like to know that you are not the one

What it feels like to think someone unknown has left you abandoned

What it feels like to know you were never good enough

What it feels like to live in a bluff

What it feels like to expect too much

What it feels like to have a wrong hunch

What it feels like to consider love would come by

What it feels like when the one you like breaks all ties

What it feels like to have a void

What it feels like to not being able to avoid

It definitely feels too much

It's so much that you eventually give up

It's so elaborate that you get numb

But you still think what it feels like to...

She is my constant

To my dear crush

I miss all the adrenaline rush

Each moment spent beside you was special

For you I was ready to wrestle

You were a friend first

And thankfully not a boy who always used to walk by

I always loved how you used to sit beside me when my friend was not around

I remember the look you gave to those gossipers on the ground

I felt special when you told me those secrets

I felt safe when you waited for me on the way

There was a time when I used to think about you all day

From hiding my feelings

To behaving indifferently I did it all

I was crazy over you for sure

Nothing between us was official

But you were a secret I was ready to tell none

Choosing the same subjects

And making study plans was somehow the future I was looking for

I liked you even after your ego

I was so happy when you used to say sorry and was ready to let things go

But I also remember that truth and dare game

I remember how you took my name

I was elated for sure

But something at that time needed a cure

I remember her crying

And that was the time I was trying

To not think

Because thinking meant choosing something

She was my best friend

And she had a lot unsaid

I had guessed before

But I was so over you that I decided to keep a close door

I liked you

And she liked you too was the case somehow

But now I had a choice to make anyhow

It was time to wake

And let the dream break

So I thought for long

It was not easy and I was definitely not strong

She had seen me cry more times

Than you had seen me smile

You were special

But what we had didn't promise me miles

The idea of losing her was unimaginable

Reading my mind was a skill in which you weren't able

She had seen my ups and downs

She was the one who never let me hit the ground

She was true to say we were telepaths

We were always the best pair of psychopaths

I had thought about all the possible scenarios

And unfortunately in neither of them

You were there till the end

But she was always around

So I decided to choose her over you

And I definitely miss you

But never have I ever regretted my decision

Although I would love to have an accidental collision

Because I want to tell you

That you were my crush indeed

But she was the friend of my need

I am happy to have her beside me

Even though she doesn't make me feel the same glee

It's been years I know

But she is still my constant tho

You know what’s the worst of crying?

It’s when you try to steady your breath, a tear escapes your eyes and suddenly you are a god damn waterfall.

It’s when a sound must escape your chest and you have this urge to stop it in your throat.

It’s when you can’t breathe out loud cause you know you’re gonna be on full bawling.

It’s when you have to put a hand over your mouth or bite something just to suppress everything and hope that if something else hurts you won’t notice the pain eating you inside.

It’s when your head starts to ache and hope you just fall asleep while holding tightly to your pillow or a blanket.

It’s when the world is quiet and the only noise you hear is coming out of you.

It’s when you thought you already healed and you remember the pain you’ve already forgotten.

It’s the worst of crying because while you want to release everything you can’t go looking at the past like it’s not affecting your present.

It’s the worst because no one can know. Not that you’re being stubborn or putting a brave face, it’s the worst because you chose to do it alone. Because you actually know what to do, you just don’t know how.

Tonight’s drama is on me. I dwell on it and guess whose heart hurts now? 🤷🏽‍♀️