Mentally Tired - Blog Posts

I am falling.

So, what do I do on my free days?

I wake up late, search for a cup of coffee,

Make myself a plate easy breakfast and then

It’s a day of selfcare.

I think of the books to read and shows to watch

I lay down on the grass and look at the sky.

I paint my nails and I curl my hair

Then bunch them and use a ribbon to tie.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can see

See a void but then it disappears

Then I think of having some tea

So, I put the pan up and sit on the chair

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting

The water boils over

I feel all drunk

Even when I am sober

I am sitting and sitting and sitting

I can see the sun rise and set and rise and set

The clock tics toks tics toks tics toks and tics

And I lie on my bed and lie to my self

The void in me is rising and burning and singing

The void is hungry so, its eating

Eating me and the soul and the light

Selfcare maybe is lying in bed

Feel a little dead

But I just stay and stay and stay

Then there is the night and then the day

And then something clicks

I thinks the void is full, it had its share

It is going back in and there is this light

This light, a crack on the wall

I find myself standing tall

I look at the clock oh its been just four hours

But then my cell phone beeps

‘hey there you’ve been missing from the outside world for a week’

My eyes readjust, my mouth is dry

I reach for water, there is a pan with burnt tea leaves

There is a cup of coffee half drunk

I look into the mirror, there is ribbon tangled in my hair

Well I guess this is the end of a day of selfcare

and believe me, I can feel it in the air

I am falling again.

Lately the only thing I've been taking seriously in my life is this blog.𓇢𓆸

Just a small friendly reminder:

Everyone knows toxic chemicals are harmful for the physical health. Likewise toxic people are also harmful for mental health. It is wise and healty to stay away from them.

The brain ain't braining today :(

The pure rage goblin feels when entering helpdesk after a week and finding it a mess, is indescribable.

5 posts!

Wow unexpected yay new account to scream into the ether with

Stupid goblin, that was supposed to go with you to the grave.

sometimes i convince myself that i could survive the apocalypse or a long term lockdown or something by hiding in my tiny single dorm room without having to leave but then there are days like today where i tried to hid in my room and do nothing but quickly found myself wandering aimlessly around campus with no plan to go anywhere specific or do anything in particular just bc i could not stand another moment of being trapped in that room. i feel like this is a perfect analogy for what it feels like when i get stuck in my head and start to spiral with negative thoughts. i tell myself i can hid from them or stay stuck in my little bubble of a brain, until i can’t and i have to do something to get out of it or ill go crazy. maybe this makes sense, maybe it doesn’t, maybe im just feeling poetic today but like I couldn’t stay trapped in my room, i couldn’t keep this thought trapped in my head.

one of the main things I've noticed is how tired I always am

like last year I could stay up until 3am having fun, doing work and just relaxing

and now I'm desperate to get to sleep

because i prefer being asleep and i'm so fucking tired I can't imagine wanting to stay up to do anything

You know your mental health is bad when you start crying after the Kokobot says that it'll always be there for you

When your cat is your one emotional crutch in the world and is keeping you from yeeting your soul off this plane of existence.

I need to out of this school.

There's nothing worth stressing over when there's only one month and a half left. These past few weeks I've been going nowhere, especially after getting a night shift job at Dollar Tree. "A job's a job, there's will be lazy ä$$hats galore so you gotta deal with it." But I'm sick of that motto. I'm sick of my dad saying this same degrading shït over and over again. I'm sick of these fūçkwåds at school being overdramatic anytime I walk past them cuz I got acne (aka ugly) and ig I stink now (yes. I'm self conscious abt that and figuring out how to stop it). And I physically, mentally, and emotionally can't deal with this. Say what u want. I can brush this crap off but for how long? It's draining and exhausting. Just like how ppl don't like me and can't deal me, I can't deal with them. But ig I'm the problem when I say that ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Time for me to get personal, these past two months are some of the worst months in my four years of high-school. Hell not even that, all of my four years were shitty. Freshman year was trashy, I dont remember anything from Sophmore year (thx c0víd), Junior year was just... no, and now my Senior year is already off to a bad start. And on top of that, my urge to meet new ppl is hanuting me again. Like I definitely show signs of social anxiety (although I don't wanna self diagnose myself) and for my entire life, meeting new people is a struggle. And no not the "I hAtE tALkiNG tO lArGe CrOwDs" or "I HaTe pEoPLe" shit. I actually mean I physically cannot talk to people, whether it's a large or small group. Fuck I can't talk to another person unless they do it first, and even then I can't hold a convo for more than three seconds. And don't get me started with crushes. Never had a significant other. Ever. And the last time I caught feelings, he thought I was a creep. I'm literally months away from being legal and if I cannot talk to or ask people abt anything then this'll be the death of me.

I'm so sad my bones ache....

Letter #29

As I stare upon the reflection of my glass Containing the same thing I know May very well be what kills me one day I feel nothing. It's just me, my thoughts And the numb taste of an indulgent slow decline Deadline in hand, waiting on empty promises. I feel absolutely nothing.

Date Written: 1st of October, 2023

Letter #27

How many wounds can a human body take Before it inevitably falls into ruin? Hundreds? Thousands? Millions, perhaps? As my wrists join my shoulders, Join my torso, join my chest, Join my ankles, join my toes, Join my neck, join my back, Join each and every lasting scrap Of what remains to be my face Dripping at an ever rapid pace I guess time shall try the test Seeking battle to heal it's best Before my demons rip me of all flesh A bag of bones in wait to be refreshed Sunlight, their everlasting summer At last red no longer the only colour I do not know which side I want to win I only know I no longer feel the hands of fear Only numbness and a longing for the air To hold every inch of me it cannot yet reach

Date Written: 23rd of September, 2023

i’m so sleep deprived i can fall asleep anywhere and anytime BESIDES my bed at reasonable sleeping hours

Flashback to 2020 (tw depressive rant)

So, I’m pretty tired with myself today…

I’m so fucking lonely here you know?

No one around to talk to, everyone doing their own things?

It’s stupid…

Why can’t I love someone like how I love myself?

Am I that fucking insane to do something like that?

I guess I am…

I’m so fucking lonely…

I don’t hang out with many people anymore because of COVID….

I miss my old friends so much that I forget I even exist…

I think about people all the time that I become a completely different person.

It’s stupid.

It’s dumb.

It’s crazy what you do for love.

I know you will all be reading this and think, “What the fuck is this shit?”

I don’t know what I am either…

I’m just the chaos and the calm…

The sun and the moon…

Forward and backwards….

I’m everything people want to be and don’t want to be…

I’m the person that could help you or hurt you….

I am the person that talks to everyone or stays in the shadows…

I am myself…

I am not myself…

I am something I’m not…

Something not human…

Something not myself…

What even am I?

Why am I here?

Why do I even exist?

I don’t need to exist… at all!

Fuck me! I don’t give a shit!

Leave me alone for once!!!

I hate myself so fucking much!!!

I’m worthless!

I’m nothing.

I’m nothing without her.

I’m nothing without him.

I’m nothing without them.

I’m nothing.

I am nothing to no one…

And now I'm done with this...

This mask of a smile I've worn for so long...

It's gone...

The mask of happiness for my friends and families to see...

For the happiness I've falsely felt for an enternity...

Slam my fist in the wall.

Throw some shit and give me a call.

I'll scream at you for however long I feel like.

How are you doing?

How are you doing?

Are you bleeding like me?

Are you hiding behind a mask like me?

A mask like mine?

Are you here?

Are you surrounded by your own peers?

Are you looked down on or looked up to?

Are you still trying to be the version of yourself everyone thought you were a year ago?

Are you still faking those smiles?

Are you burning the horrible memories, that made no one trust you anymore?

Are you lying to people that don't deserve it?

Can you stop, cause I am far too gone?!

I need to stop and listen.

I need to do this, evenly.

I am a giant wave crashing into the shore line.

I am myself.

I am not.

I am the calm and the chaos.

I need help, but no one ever listens because, they have their own issues.

They have no time for you, it's true.

Leave them behind and don't go running back to them or they will hurt you more....

Or maybe not...

Maybe they're something more.

Like a soulmate or friend....

Maybe I should reach out to them for help...

Can I reach out for help?

Myself in 2020, not in the right headspace.

How Many Ways To Say

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To tell you how I feel

Again and again?

I’m running out of words

Someone wind me up again

I’m so tired, I’m so tired

Of looking at the pages

That are my sole escape

My mind is buzzing

With things I wish I had the courage to say.

And I’m still wondering now

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To say how I’m not normal?

How many times

Must I scream

I am not a daughter

Before I’m finally told

That nobody wants to hear it?

Stop lying to me

Stop telling me you understand

Because I’m so tired

Of this body

And the way it’s winding down

I’m running out of words

Someone please tell me 

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To tell you I’m not ok?

And now you’ve scared me

Now I’m silenced

And yet you think it’s fine

I’m not ok, I’m not alright!

Someone tell me that’s ok

Someone tell me I’m not a freak

Even if I don’t believe

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To say I’m so damn tired?

I am nothing, I am nothing

I am not your daughter

I’ve never been but now I wonder

How many ways

Can there possibly be

For you to say

You don’t care?

Cause I’m running out of air

And I’m running out of words

Someone wind me up again

How many ways

Are there to say

That I am not your daughter?

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

The scariest thing for me right now is that , I'll lag behind my friends or even my own expectations. I don't know how to equip myself resilience. I have a fear that it won't work out or won't be enough, I wouldn't be enough.

I easily forgive people. Rather, I would say I don't really hold grudges towards people.

But why, why is it so hard for others to forgive my mistakes. I am human too. I'm learning and trying to improve everyday too. So, why?

I want to be able to go on top of a mountain and scream to the world that I am yours.

But, it will only be possible if you accept me as yours.

Lately, I've been wanting someone to compliment me.

I have so much self hatred in myself these days that I can't look at the camera or the mirror without my smile fading.

I want someone to tell me that I'm worthy, that I'm not as bad as I think i am and that it will get better.

Oh to be a hopeless romantic in an unrequited love

- We all break at a point. How long are you going to hold on?

- Forever. I'll hold on forever if I have to.

I used to be this happy soul with a goofy personality.

Now I look at people around me and wonder how they are able to smile in this chaotic world.

𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓳𝓪𝓬𝓴𝓮𝓽

I wrap myself in your jacket,

As if I can feel your presence with me.

I wrap myself in your jacket,

As if my racing heart and the storms in my head get calm

I wrap myself in your jacket,

As if your scent will linger around me and trigger the nostalgia.

I wrap myself in your jacket,

As if your arms are wrapped around me.

I wrap myself in your jacket and wish it was you instead.

I wish to make my love pure again.

I wish I could turn back time,

To when we had our first connection.

I would write our story all over again,

But this time with more experience.