Where Every Scroll is a New Adventure
After everything with moving away, leaving the cult, graduating, making real friends, and being able to be openly queer... I still miss my parents so much
They treated me awful and still haven't really apologized. They're all sad I'm not in contact with them but have done nothing besides decide "I guess we should stop messaging since they asked us to". This is safer for me but God I want parents. The bond between parent and child and the security of having a guardian to rely on is a privilege ripped away from me.
I love my found family, but wish my biological ones were what I needed and deserved.
Now that I'm POMO interactions with parents are weird. In a way I'm fortunate that my family is still willing to talk to me, but they still suck as people. Their abusive and continue to misgender me and be manipulative. It was really hard to say that "no, I don't want to meet up rn even for a meal" because I know how many people desperately wish they could have that offer. Even knowing how triggering it would be I almost said yes because I miss my parents. But I guess I more miss having parents I can trust and support me, than them specifically.
Hey bestie I'm having one of those moments
idk i guess there’s just something terribly lonely about growing up in an environment where people love you well enough, sure, but only the parts of you they want to love. they look at you and they see something they could love, if only you were a little different - a little happier, a little straighter, a little more complacent. so they take those traits of you that they like and they treat that part of you with love and kindness, and they take the rest of you and leave it for dead, all while talking about how much good they do for you
When abusive parents hurt you, they're not 'doing it for your own good' or 'disciplining you', they're singling you out and making you a target. Because they're not doing it to all other kids, they're not doing it to their guests, friends, coworkers, bosses, neighbours, it doesn't even count if all of those people make one of the same mistakes you do. It's allowed for them. It's okay if anyone else does it. It's okay if other people break things, or refuse to be controlled, or speak up, or demand something, or act selfish, or act childish, or don't cater endlessly, or don't guess their moods, or don't act submissive, it's okay for everyone else! Just not for you!
What exactly is that teaching you?
That you're different. That the brutal and torturous rules exist only for you. That you are the only one who deserves no allowances, no forgiveness, no gentleness, no tolerance, no nuance, no love. And you are the only one! Everyone else can get those things and do what they want, but you will get tortured for it, you'll get tortured even for things you didn't do, because these two people have singled you out and deserved that you're so rotten you deserve worse treatment than any other person alive. And those people are your parents, they made you.
It teaches you injustice, it teaches you to put yourself in a different category than anyone else in the world and to assume you must be so intrinsically different that you won't ever find community, you won't ever find somebody to be on your side or similar to you, because you are the only one who could ever deserve this kind of hatred. It separates you from humanity and makes you feel like you don't belong, like you don't have a home here, it makes you abandoned by everyone because nobody is stating anything different about you. With their silence, dismissal and neglect, everyone is passively agreeing that this is what you deserve. That it doesn't matter to them if you live in pain and despair because you're too different, too otherworldly for them to care about.
No child has deserved to feel like that. Nobody is supposed to be pushed into that pit of despair, injustice and pain, alone, with no visible way out. With nothing they can do to redeem themselves, to find a way to see themselves as human after all that's been done to them. This is not a pit that somebody can easily crawl out of, this is something that can follow you all your life.
All children deserve better than this. Never defend abusive parents when they do this to a child. If you don't want a child to believe themselves to be a monster, don't ignore when this is happening and don't act like it's none of anybody's business. It's all of our business to make sure no kid thinks this lowly of themselves, not even if their parents decide they should. Parents who do this to children should be charged with torture, isolation and psychological devastation of a human being. All children are human. And no child deserves that.
Did your abusive parents continually imply or say outright, that you're a burden not only on them, but also on all other people you interact with?
I had my parents warn me every time I was leaving the house that I was a nuisance and to not allow other people to 'feed me' because then I would be eating somebody else's food. There was a few times where I accepted a ride from my friend's parents, because I didn't dare to ask my own parents, and when they found out, they were outraged, furious and went on this big tirade about how I owe them gas money, how I spent resources that weren't mine, and was now in debt to those people, and they, my parents now had to go and make up for that debt (for the friend's parents, it was a 3 minute detour to pick me up, they were already driving their own kid).
I was discouraged from going anywhere because of how big of a burden I was on those people, and if I wanted to go to a friend's house, they would get mad and ask 'why do you have to go there, aren't we good enough for you', it was mind-boggling.
However it did force me, as a child, to continually believe I have to be extremely useful; at every house I went, I made a gift for them so they wouldn't be mad at me, and to pay my dues that I owe them for being at their place. I also didn't dare to ask for food or drinks anywhere because I believed that would make me a burden and put me in debt, and rides were considered basically unrepayable, and I had to depend on my parents for them, who would use them for blackmail every time. (you have to do whatever I say for 2 weeks, if you want that 15 minutes ride to the train station).
I only realized recently that they actively worked on making me feel despised and burdensome in every place I ever went, not only at my own home, and that it's the reason I never visit other people's houses anymore, and stick to myself in fear of being unwelcome.
abusive parents will act like the world is insanely dangerous place where you get shot on sight as soon as you make a slightest mistake or displease anyone, when in reality the only place where this happens is your parents house
Abusive parents will program you so extensively, that when you’re asked:
‘What have your parents done to you?’
the only thing you know how to answer is:
‘They gave me the roof over my head and clothed me and fed me.’
Because that’s whats repeated to you almost every day of your life to be grateful for, you don’t have the words to describe the devastating abuse and hatred, because they don’t want you to have the words for it. All they teach you to say is ‘I’m grateful and it could have been so much worse’.
That’s how nobody can ever find out about the abuse. They make sure the children won’t know how to answer even if asked.
Have you ever been in an abusive home? Have you seen one from faraway? Have you felt bad for yourself? Wondering, blaming, 17 years later, crying, because you're unable to love yourself? Because now you're this insensitive person who desperately wants some love but doesn't know what or how love is unless its a slap in the face and they call it love? Unless there are no feelings and just two people being miserably abusive to each other? You're blaming your father for hitting you so many times now you've learnt not to cry in the worst scenarios. You're blaming your mother for calling you ugly and pointing out your flaws so many times now you dont want to believe you will ever receive love? Well, I've been in one too. And i know how hard it is to accept and stop blaming them for the way you are. You know what im most terrified of? Turning out like my mother. But, some books, some things, some friends, some one, some thing is there out here. Some thing that will make sure you're not the way they are. Some thing that will support you, so, you don't need to always open your heart out to people, or, always blame your parents, because someday, you'll be better than them. And you will be happy, baby.
"it will get better" they told me, aged 11, when puberty really kicked in and felt extremely dysphoric about my body, but didn't know what it was yet, and also got bullied for not being truly either gender.
"it will get better" they told 13 year old me, now aware of what dysphoria was, but still suicidal because of it, and felt terrible for not being accepted as a real boy.
"it will get better" they told 15 year me, who just got sexually assaulted for being trans, as well as missing lots of school(and social development) for being constantly in the hospital to navigate the medical gatekeeping for being trans.
"it will get better" they told 16 year me, still freshly traumatized from being sexually assaulted, and now disabled due to medical abuse and neglect from doctors, as well as failing school due to said disability.
"it will get better" they told 17 year old me, who was getting abused at home, while going to school and working my ass off at a minimum wage job, trying to save whatever I could while also trying to sustain myself.
"it will get better" they told 18 year me, still being abused and barely graduating high school, while fighting with my mom to let me attend the college I want, while still not having fully recovered from being temporarily disabled.
"it will get better" they told 19 year old me, now living on college campus, stuck doing a degree I don't truly want, but my parents won't let me chance. I'm succumbing to depression, adhd, and anxiety, but who cares. My body has most of its functions back but will never be the same. Still dysphoric and suicidal every day despite transitioning.
It will get better. When, my love, when? It's almost been a decade of being suicidal every single day, as well as being abused and to a degree, disabled. Some people's foundation for life crumbles, I didn't have one to begin with.
on top of that, a decade is a pretty long time. Would you expect a person to undergo cancer treatment for 10 years, only for it to not be solved? You'd feel sympathetic, right? Maybe even feel bad for them? You wish their suffering would just be over.. Why is this any different? Why am I suddenly "just not strong enough" or "just try harder"?
I'm genuinely convinced it'll never get better. I don't really have any (easy) method of... you know what, but I still want to "commit" every single day. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe it will never get better.
I hate my parents for fatshaming me and encouraging me to get disordered eating patterns. I hate them for fueling my ed. I hate them for hating my body and making me hate my body. I hate them for making me diet at the age of nine even though I was thinner than my class mates just to teach me how a "real women diets" (even when my mum fails at every diet attempt) I hate them for not caring, for pushing me even further, for wanting me to stick to my diet rules.
I hate them for destroying my body, my life, everything I have
It’s not that my parents didn’t love me, it’s that I’d never do/say such horrible things to someone I loved.
Reminder that:
Your parents can still be abusive if they say they love you
Your parents can still be abusive if they buy you stuff
Your parents can still be abusive if they dont hit you
Your parents can still be abusive if they “dont mean to do it”
Your parents can still be abusive if “they have problems too!”
Your parents can still be abusive if they feed you and keep a roof over your head
Your parents can still be abusive if other people have it worse
An abusive parent is an abusive parent. Doing these things doesnt make them gods who you have the worship, it makes them slightly decent human beings (just barely)
This is just a vent, if you’re not interested then you can ignore it.
Why do parents think it’s okay to use fear and religion to control your LGBT kid? My Mom is a Seven-Day Adventist, Dad is Catholic. Sister is still questioning religion and I’m Atheist.(Religion Will Come Important Later)
I recently had all my technology(except for my Mac because I need it for school). It was all because my Mom’s thing called “bark” screenshotted me being myself as an LGBT, MtF Trans, ND and System. And labeled my entire identity as “Sexual Content”. After this my entire parents gave me a lecture why LGBT is a perversion to God’s perfect vision. My parents were all about how LGBT people are all pedophile, and how they were a perverted group of people who wanted to always rape children. Then my entire family attacked a couple of my older best friends on discord who were LGBT and kept calling them Pedophiles who wanted to harm me and stay me away from God.
Then came me being a system, I was outed by my sister and kept saying that I didn’t “Have a personality disorder” and was just a coping mechanism. She then outed me to my parents, and they were all on how I was going to the deep-end and betraying my entire families last name.
They also have such a huge history of ableism such as saying “Autistic People get nowhere in life” or “I’m just using my “Autism” as an excuse to commit crimes” and what not.
Why am I just so abused, and harmed by this family. They say they are trying to help me but in reality they were harming me. I just want a safe space.
Will I ever know peace in the Realm of Slumber ?