Spilled Heart - Blog Posts

I make the jokes my mother does. I have a habit of mot acknowledging my dad bevause of my mom. I ignore my anger because i dont want to be my mother,

The legacies people leave behind in you.

My handwriting is the same style as the teacher’s who I had when I was nine. I’m now twenty one and he’s been dead eight years but my i’s still curve the same way as his.

I watched the last season of a TV show recently but I started it with my friend in high school. We haven’t spoken in four years.

I make lentil soup through the recipe my gran gave me.

I curl my hair the way my best friend showed me.

I learned to love books because my father loved them first.

How terrifying, how excruciatingly painful to acknowledge this. That I am a jigsaw puzzle of everyone I have briefly known and loved. I carry them on with me even if I don’t know it. How beautiful.

Love me

Im everyone’s type 

As In,

 I will completely change myself just for you to look at me 

 the way you look at her

You made darkness go from feeling like pitch black void to feeling like a blanket of indigo twilight

I love you

I’ll never forget that

Not as long as i live, not even after that, not until existence itself dies out, and even then the last star will fizzle out and whisper of the pure love i have for you

The love of someone saved by one who didn’t realize it, the love of someone who comes back to life out of the care of one who thinks themselves insignificant, the love of someone who wants to give the one they love everything and get only what that one wants to give. You could give me a bowl of burnt tomatoes and id eat it if i thought it would make you smile. And i hate tomatoes so much. But for you i would eat them.

And i know youd never ask me to do anything you thought was inconvenient or would make me uncomfortable but love i would walk through fire and snakes for you if i had to. Maybe not spiders but i would at least consider it very very hard before saying no unless you were in danger. Almost anyone else would be an immediate sorry bud but youre out of luck. I love you enough it would destroy me if you used it against me. But you never would, youd never be able to, and i love you so much i would never make you no matter what. And i will never destroy you. I may not know what to say or how to feel or how to help but i will never stop trying to support you. I will never stop trying to get you to fall in love with yourself the way falling i love with you made me fall in love with myself. But most of all i will never control you. I will never force you to do anything you really dont want to do except for trivial health things. The only way i will ever try to change you is to make you happier, hungrier, or more at peace with yourself. I will never stop trying to let you relax enough to realize just how much i love you

I love you

With everything i am

And with everything i ever will be

And i will never stop trying to show you that

Through kisses and hugs and late night laughs and tickles and soft looks and soul aching rambles and little gifts and tiny actions, i will never stop telling you i love you through words and through every detail and act i can think of

Maybe we're all tragedies,

Covered in skins

too stubborn to be tragic.

Sleeping woefully to awake and relive it.

You used to wrap your arms around me on nights like this

Whisper in my ear

You tell me none of it is real.

I roll over to an empty bed and colder hands

My knees scrape the ground thinking about you giving someone else the name that was supposed to be mine

I fear you're wrong this time.

I keep the door unlocked in case you change your mind

I wait for your silhouette everynight.

Your reflection, a cradle of false promises.

- A.L

Do you not feel the birth of a star at the touch of our fingertips.

Your lips caress my skin, turning the blood coursing through my veins into stardust; stardust that cannot be tamed, for all it knows is chaos.

My love, I ache for you to tame the stardust in me.

Make me yours.

Icarus has abandoned me:

The cosmos cries comets, the moon bleeds lullabies, and here i am, icarus; i, who can bear the quarrels of fate and time no more. you sought the sun, but did the sun seek you back? does it mourn you, or am i the only one doing that?

Who's stars am i aligning, are they mine? certainly that is what i was told (did you not tell me that, icarus) . those promises that I kept safe so dearly in my pockets, how did they find me? who am i to chase after the remarkable  (i thought i could, in the name of you, icarus).

i, who sought icarus, can hear him no more. i am searching. where are you?

it is your time to find me, icarus; search for me. heal me. answer me.

I get that you might not be able to understand my point of view, but that doesn't mean that you misunderstand when I'm trying to convey. Don't twist my words to form those judgemental opinions of yours.

And then all of a sudden, it feels like January again, and you're all alone in that blanket of yours, dreaming of sunsets, stardust and peace.

I am not lost;

I just don't wish to find.

not anymore...

'I can't. It's too risky,' I tell myself, as I back away from the wings that lay in front of me, the ones that I yearn for, hope for. Live for. Those wings.

'I'm so close,' I argue, 'I've always wanted this.' Those wings.

I can imagine Icarus smiling at the stars burning in my eyes.

'Come,' he would say, 'Fly.'

I smile, closing my eyes, keeping those stars going supernova to myself. And I walk away. Those wings.

'I am no Icarus.'

i no longer find the need to explain myself or the vast multitudes i contain.

some times what i feel is much too big, somehow entirely intangible and incomprehensible for the world at face value and i have made my peace with it.

i do, however, have a habit of leaving clues as footnotes, in digressions, in parentheses, and annotations in margins.

only those that pay attention may understand.

I remember you.

- the invisible life of Addie LaRue by V.E Schwab

I seek for the universe yet it does not seek me back; a travesty, it called me.

The moon weeped the stars alive, and then me. It weeped me alive.

So mon amour, I am not just any travesty, but the moon's.

I am the moon's travesty.

What's meant for you will be all yours at the end. The constellations are in your favour, so my little star-bright, what are you worried about?

Need a older man who isn’t just a complete predator but someone I can rant about school too, someone that helps me with school work, someone who teases me but known when to be serious, someone who actually wants to know me inside n out, someone who wants to know my heart, someone who sees me and not just my body, someone who treats me seriously, someone who can talk about life with me just talking about everything and nothing for hours, need a heart that will sync with mine.

Was It A Mistake?

Was it a mistake,

When I left you for good?

When I packed the means for fire,

And hauled the timberwood?

Was it a mistake,

When I held you so closely?

When I raised the stakes,

All for some money?

Was it a mistake,

When I sung you farewells,

Only to come back,

And dig deeper than a well,

Into the fresh Earth,

And near it I mourned,

Was it a mistake,

When I buried you beneath the dirt?

SWEET MOTHER, HAILEY

The Moon is shining,

Brother, where is home?

The Sun is dimming,

Brother, where is home?

The Earth is calling,

Sister, where is home?

The Sky is crying,

Sister, where is home?

They all have questions,

And I lack answers.

What good am I now?

What good am I now?

They gave me a life,

They gave me a start,

But my hands are empty,

With nothing, I can part.

What do I give, how can I repay?

How can I live, in debt another day?

And the apologies are heavy,

The weight of brick and mortar,

Carried on my shoulders,

Hands empty, still I hold her.

And what good is a daughter,

If she cannot hold your hand?

As you blink away your life,

And leave to better lands?

I'll ask myself this daily,

And wonder what I could've done,

My sweet mother, Hailey,

Went home to the sun.

The ghost of your skin is still warm on my palms. Your scent lingering in the spaces between my fingers. My eyes are still on the last place that held your shadow. You've disappeared through the door that's still open. I can't bring myself to shut it, for fear that I might lose you forever then.

The moment stretches on and I can't feel anything except for this dull thumping of my heart.

It was a mistake to hold you so close and kiss you with love. And it was an even bigger mistake to hope that you kiss back. Mistakes that cut off our red strings of fate. And now, like autumn leaves in the cool breeze, our souls are drifting apart, blown away from the other to lands far from this place.

Calling this heartbreak would be cruel. This feels like death.

As I feel the colours in me drain away along with the warmth inside, I know you've killed me with your absence. Or perhaps your presence all along...

I know you will never return.

You won't ever come back.

I won't see you ever again.

And I won't see this me ever again too.

The sky is still sleeping outside. And soon the love in me will go to sleep as well.

They say empty vessels make the most sound. But the screams of my soul only come out as whispers against the silence of this dawn.

I've lost you and I've lost myself.

As the sky turns to a mixture of greyish pink, I stand at the same spot you left me. Wondering why everyone says love is beautiful, when it has been a painful poison all along.

We are a whole lifetime away.

Then why are we pretending to be closer?

With every hour that fades as the morning comes,

we move away from each other slowly.

Like the ticking of a tired clock,

the moments we stole are going too fast.

I never want to let go of your hand,

but when morning comes how do I make you stay?

I don't have any thing more to give you,

and all that you can say has already been said.

We knew we'll fade with the first sunrise.

But then why does letting go feel so much like dying.

I wish the night could stretch on for eternity.

Hold each other here under the soft moonlight.

We're meant to walk away from the other,

but our hearts can't help run back to each other.

There are a million stars in the sky tonight,

but there are a million more unshed tears in our eyes.

The horizon is starting to turn pink now.

Your hand is too warm to let go.

Sunrises are the most beautiful thing there is.

But not when it takes you away from me.

Let this sunrise come and go.

Maybe we can close our eyes and pretend the night is still young.

I am glad that I met you.

Or else I would've never met myself.

And I am glad that you left me.

So now I know that being by myself is not so bad.

Sure, I was broken into tiny pieces when you stopped holding hands.

Sure, I did cry myself to sleep whenever I thought of your cold eyes.

I bared my soul and you gripped it a little too tight.

Now I lay broken, and like the blood in my veins, I flow through your cold fingers.

Drip by drip I fall onto the floor, a puddle of dreams and uncherished love.

But somewhere along the way, the red started to turn black.

And somewhere along the way, my tears started to form stars.

The tired sighs that fell from my lips have turned to swirls of white and gold.

The day you broke me, I fell.

I fell a human, and landed a galaxy.

I can still feel the pain of your touches.

But on those days, I burn a little more brighter.

I may have been broken once, but I gathered the pieces and here I stand.

A galaxy amidst the vast, cold emptiness that's you.

A galaxy that you can never touch without burning yourself too.

I love him,

In the late hours of the night.

When the silence around starts to feel like home,

I love him.

When the dawn approaches in the horizon,

looking so hazy and confused,

I love him.

The slow call of the nightingale breaks my train of thoughts about him.

But still, I continue to love him.

He exists in the abandoned corners of my mind.

And he is there, always smiling when I close my eyes.

The silhouettes made by the moonlit night,

somehow ends up looking like him.

And when I trace my fingers across the shadows formed,

I love him.

For some reason, he seems to be everywhere I look.

And for some reason, I always love him, every single time.

I love him,

like the favourite quote of mine stuck in my head.

I love him,

like the soft melody of the first rain.

I love him,

like he had loved me.

In darkness and in silence.

But never in each other's presence.

I look up to see his beautiful face.

His eyes are filled with fresh tears.

But there's a smile on his lips.

It seems so true and real.

Yet I know it's far from that.

When his voice cracks as he speaks,

a deep sadness washes over my being.

I can feel it spreading through me.

Touching every secret corner and creek.

I don't know what to do now.

Who do I take care of first, him or me?

I ask myself, as I hold his face with my shaking hands.

His tears are so warm as I wipe them away.

His smile fades and he falls onto me.

While he breaks in my arms quietly,

I let my tears fall finally.

There's only so much strength I have in me.

And I'll use every last bit to piece him back together.

Because I don't know how to be without him.

I don't know why I am, without him.

Without him, I stay a blue question mark.

With him, I'll be a warm full stop.

© Moonyloonywitch

Somedays I crave the touch of another in my soul. I need someone to understand all the chaos inside me but at the same time be intrigued by everything as well. I want to lay down my soul bare, like the musical notes on a white sheet of paper. And I hope someone who appreciates the melody comes along and picks me up. And when they start to hum the tune I have kept hidden in my depths for so long, I'll finally feel like I belong somewhere. Even if that somewhere is just the tip of their tongue or the curve of their lips.

It seems like my heart only understands what you speak, even if you speak with an absence of words.

~

m.l.w

I'm not crying, it's just so dusty in here😭#this might be one of the most beautiful things I've ever read 🌹

Where the sky becomes the sea (English Translation) 

I tried many times to be poetic in loving you, but passion consumed me, like an earthquake devouring a building with its tectonic jaws.

Still, I cannot weave words in a way you would understand.

Every time you say my name, I want to weave my bones with yours, because I am tired of explaining the inexplicable, that which burns beneath my skin.

I would cut my soul into a million pieces to illuminate your way home.

I am an army of candles bringing eternal fire to your temple, waiting in the shadows of your heart, because I do not fear your darkness; my light belongs to it.

And if you were the sky, I would be the sea, absorbing your light and returning it in golden glimmers, while I flow towards you to the horizon.

And together, we could name the stars, one by one, until the universe is ours.

✦ @dervishlatino | NNF نشوان نازاريو فيريرا ✦

my heart is fluent in a tongue my mind can't translate. so i lay still on my bed, experiencing a wildness that can breathe me back to life from beyond my grave. tonight i believe in spirits. maybe i am a ghost when i fall asleep; anything is possible this very moment because it is nothing like the one it succeeds nor like the one it will precede. the future hadn't been created when i wrote the last sentence and now i am in it. Ah, to be alive.

“Where elegance of tradition whispers the tale of artwork.”

November’24, Bikaner House, New Delhi.

Talking to someone is always a therapy.