Narcissism - Blog Posts

Parents ask their children why they don't go out and have real interactions, but they don't consider that it's hard to find a person with a real working brain.

I remember one day calling my colleague a narcissist. In response, he said that I told him he was a Naz** just because of the sound of the word. What a annoyance...

The worst part is when people just nod their heads and do the complete opposite of what I talked about/advised.

The blame suddenly goes to me, somehow.

I was thinking about people and this popped in my head and I was like you know what. He would, he so would say this. Especially to Megatron

And he's so right to.

Don't know if this is already a quote but yeah 👍

I didn't see the red flags or that she was a narcissist until she succeeded in bullying and picking on me into self-doubt and a broken heart. I'll certainly try to find comfort in that I stood up for myself and ended it on our first anniversary, as I was left no choice.

For Victims of Abuse Who Feel Betrayed.

There is no rule that says that anyone has to like or accept cruel people, and personally, I would not even trust those who do so.

There is also no rule that says that anyone has to forgive them, unless some religious or healing aspect comes into it, where people try to win the power struggle in becoming superior to their abuser. That can be helpful, but it is not something that I would personally advocate.

Let’s have some eye opening discussion.

If the need to be liked and accepted in someone is that strong that people who create incessant cruetly are welcome and acceptable, then the person may well be an Apath (sometimes termed as “flying monkey”), a dangerous being who stands by on the fence as abuse continues, and in their own quietly masked way, support them in their endeavours in the hope of never becoming the target to the persons cruelty themselves. 

Abusers wont let apath’s off for it when they need another target, and will happily discard them in the same way as anyone else when they can no longer be used.

There is a high trend for acceptance of cruelty being created by people who think that they are doing the right thing, being all encompassing loving all human beings.

Psychologically that can help them cope if they have been victims of abuse themselves in life, with a situation which I know very well of experience wise, called Stockholm Syndrome being the culprit.

If you have been a victim of abuse and supporters of abusers are hurting you inside, that is completely valid and correct way to feel. I would hug you if I could, and say that you are in a fantastic state of mind, whilst those who are continuing the trail of cruelty are not.

Stay blessed :-)

© Saturday 19th Feb 2022

The Scales of Empathy and Narcissism.

Having a strong sense of self is really important. Not having it means getting easily swept away in other peoples intentions, and not realising until later on.

What well meaning “trust your gut” and “engage your empathy” people do not understand is that when empathy is overly high, a sense of self is lacking, and there is no “trust your gut”, there is only the other person, making it impossible to feel or see what is going on in real time.

It is for this reason that I created this simple scale, which I call The Scales of Empathy and Narcissism. I like the idea of balance, but would like to point out that this tool would be used in a non obsessive way as something to refer to in the need of self reflection or understanding a situation. Put simply, it is a self development tool.

Each side are the total extremes of what they are, with a nice, easy going balance found somewhere in the middle. 

                Empathy      <---- balanced -----> Narcissism

                Over Caring <---- balanced ----> Under Caring

                Oneness      <---- balanced ----> Individuality

                Humility       <---- balanced ----> Arrogance

Using this basic scale on an inward basis means that I can see where I myself might be tilting towards less than optimal living, and when observing somebody else, or someone that I am just not quite sure about, the scale serves to remind me of the real world dangers of continuing any interaction with that person, or even business and establishment.

I find it is a good tool for looking at my own sense of self and understanding where my habitual tilt is so that I could understand more, and recognise who I really am as opposed to what any serial projectors might be saying.

The real key to all of the extremes on the scale is in the first one. By finding a comfortable place of balance that is suited to who you are as an individual person, an optimal way of living can be found.. after all, too much of anything can be a bad thing.

Stay excellent :-)

© Saturday 19th Feb 2022

Narcissistic Traits: When is it Fucked Up?

... when it is to do with somebodies eyebrows.

I came across a study that studied what people thought, and I’ll add, based on appearances over behaviour, when people perceive the eyebrows of another person. No, I am not joking and yes, this is one of those things that I could only dream was fake news. 

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324971942_Eyebrows_Cue_Grandiose_Narcissism

The study revealed that thick, well groomed eyebrows were a narcissistic trait by viewers standards, and going on the trends of increasingly large eyebrows in the last five years, I’d say that this was well dangerous to put out publicly and only highlights to me just how dangerous narcissistic trait lists online can be for a person.

With these trait lists we are leading ourselves into an era where people feel that they are entitled enough to call others narcissists, and a lot of the time quite publicly. The problem with that is, that unless the person doing it is a registered psychiatrist or related health professional with the full, educated understanding of the disorder, people who shout out narcissist are making a slur. A self entitled slur that only shows the speaker of such words for who they truly are.

Quietly, we can decide for ourselves that someone has traits that we would rather not have in our lives and move on swiftly, but where there is a need to openly and directly name someone a narcissist and holding no qualification to do so, we have to look at the motive behind that need, for that is where the real problem lies.

Something a former care taker would often say to me as a teenager being a teenager: it’s not big and it’s not clever. 

Don’t worry eyebrow groomers, I’m not blanketing you with this one. 

Discrimination: Traumatic Background Does Not = Automatic Narcissism.

Not always.

It is a mistaken judgement to say that those who came from troubled parentage and backgrounds, where attachment to caregivers and parents might have been lacking, are those who become narcissists.

There are many people around the globe who come from troubled backgrounds yet are the most empathetic, caring, loving people that can be met, and I think that to tarnish everybody from a poor background is a marker of not only extremism, but unprofessional-ism in their field.

Take those growing up in poor circumstances, not every child from the same household will always be produced in the same way. They are each unique individuals who will learn in their own ways within the environment that they find themselves in, they are not one person, and not an extension of the caregivers or parents that they have been landed with.

Some do indeed come out as narcissists, even psychopaths, that is the way of the world, but there are also many vastly empathic, over caring, over responsible people that come from such backgrounds who have been highly tuned and trained to feed narcissistic needs. I am one of them (recovered).

The last thing that people who come from troubled backgrounds need to hear, is that they have been tarnished with the same brush as their abusers, that they are narcissists because of an abusive childhood. The very act of doing this is an abusive one itself, one that I understand is called discrimination.

Narcissistic Trait lists: A Dangerous Corner of the Web.

The popularity of narcissistic traits on the web looks like it is at it’s peak right now, comments all over sites like Quora and Reddit, forums, websites and even Twitter “specialists” are everywhere, but not all of the information given is accurate. Although some information is completely valid for an experiencer of narcissistic abuse who is writing of exactly that, their own experience, some people are just there to suck up a loyal following who will pay them for advice, follow them on social media, and provide them with the public likes, re-tweets, and adulation that they need. Notice anything here?

Narcissistic behaviour is not something that can be diagnosed by the general public, in fact, it should never be so, but spotting a narcissist is a great way to keep ourselves safe from their careless behaviour, so what is the work around? How can we, as individuals, not get caught up in the programmed behaviour that is being set out by people posting information that may not apply to all, whilst also keeping ourselves safe from unnecessary crap?

There are a few basic things about narcissistic behaviour that can be pointed out as fact for many of them, although these will be interchangeable, and and entire context should be applied for the individual in question. Additionally, nobody can escape the fact that many narcissists do scour information on the web to train themselves into known passive, submissive, readily acceptable, or caring body language and behaviours, but be assured that this is not to self improve their own narcissism and become more compassionate towards others, it is just another way for the narcissistic person to net people in and “take them for fools” - that’s their words not mine by the way heh.

If you, the reader, have had trouble with many narcissists before, you will be a little more equipped because it is likely that you may have noticed some narcissistic patterns or other repeating across the board already. I have noticed some in my own experiences, which is why I can post you the following short few things which I call a The Skeleton. I call it The Skeleton because this is the framework that the narcissist is operating on in basic terms across the board, and it is where many of their further behaviours spring from. Noticing a skeleton has helped me get to the real reasons for a persons woes on many occasion, so here goes.. but remember, not everybody who does one of these things is narcissistic, there is always a wider context and individuality that must be taken into account.

Intense Staring

Narcissists do this, but in a way that is bare faced odd. It will be uncomfortable for you, and strange. This is because you are two things; prey, and someone that they are trying to work out so that they can get in.

Inferiority and Superiority Imbalance

Either one will be out on display, although usually it is superiority. Superiority is an attempt to cover the painfully inferior feeling person beneath, although if you are seasoned you may see the inferiority first.

Lies and Dishonesty

Lies will be obvious, repeated, and quite courageous.. too courageous in fact, as if they even believe in what they are saying themselves. Dishonesty and lies will occur in just about anything, although it usually always serves a narcissists self protection, greater plot, or protecting such a plot from being exposed.

Unreciprocated Use of People

Narcissists must find a beneficial use for each person, or else they are useless and to be discarded. This is wildly different from a healthy relationship where people get their needs met because narcissists are in for what they can get alone and get nothing from reciprocating, unless it is still early days and they are trying to win you over.

Stupified Eye Response and Facial Expression

If you catch it, there will be times where the narcissist (and also a psychopath whilst we’re here) will have a look on their face that looks like they have just had a few swift blows to the head with a baseball bat. It usually occurs when they are incensed about something, which more is often that their current plot is not working out or has not worked out entirely.

So that’s The Skeleton from my perspective, although remember, there is always a wider context and individuality that must be taken into account when noticing these signs.

Many people read similar trait lists and find something in everyone, like a one size fits all, and to me that is quite a dangerous corner that we have been programming ourselves to sit in. The truth is that narcissism is a scale, anyone can become one given the correct surroundings and experiences, and that there is such a thing as healthy narcissism which we all must have a little of in the world.

I will be posting again about The Skeleton, breaking down some interesting points about it so if you're interested, keep a look out for that.

Stay awesome :)

© Thursday 10th Feb 2022

People might shout and swear at the narcissist. And think they’ve put them in their place. But really they’ve played into their hands. Like a petulant young child, if a narcissist can’t get positive attention, they’ll settle for negative. And a good argument or telling off still fuels their fire. Yes, they’re happy you’re focusing on them. Even if you’re telling them how awful they are.

The above quote is from: https://narcissisms.com/why-narcissists-create-drama/

I read through an old journal today, with entries from a time when I was in an emotionally manipulative relationship. INFJ's are particular magnets for malignant and emotionally abusive individuals. I didn't know it back then, and even though I know it now, it still hurts to remember it.

It took me almost a decade to realize that with certain people, attempting to have a calm conversation about your needs and feelings is actually a field day for their continued emotional manipulation. The alternative--standing up for yourself and being assertive, or even letting your righteous anger flow--also fails to resolve things and, what's more, it even fails to create any amount of distance between you and the offender. In fact, anger feeds the narcissist, and further fuels their desire to remain attached to you like a leech. Whether it's a calm conversation or a fury-filled telling-off, both give them exactly what they want--attention, be it good or bad.

It took me a while to realize that even when I was driven to tears, when I was sobbing to my ex about how much he had hurt me, that in those moments, he seemed to gain an air of peacefulness. My anger seemed to be a key that unlocked a sense of comfort within him. At first I thought I was misreading him. Then, when I realized I wasn't, I thought it odd. Then, when I realized that my despondent tears actually fed his need to be needed, and that because of that, he was totally okay driving me to tears over and over again--I finally realized I had had enough.

The INFJ "door slam" is a gift. It is not a flippant choice, but wisdom pulled from the depths of an almost unbearable despair. At some point, you get the point--reasoning nor anger can fix it. Only an end can fix it. A total and complete end. Cut ties to that person. Take the ties and burn them. Then gather up the ashes, douse them in gasoline, and burn that shit a few more times.

Then walk away and be free.

a cut that always bleeds

I have not seen an uglier flag than this

i do °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

NPD is NPDing

"how are you feeling today?" gives me war flashbacks.

Fractured Fury

The world stands still, the air goes thin,

A silent void erupts within.

A crack inside, so sharp, so deep,

A wound that wakes but does not weep.

Then fire strikes—my veins ignite,

A raging storm, no end in sight.

My breath is smoke, my voice a blade,

A fury born, a war replayed.

I scream, I shake, the earth must hear,

A beast unleashed, too wild to steer.

The walls may break, the sky may fall,

Yet still, my rage outlives them all.

Then silence creeps, so cold, so vast,

A fragile peace that will not last.

The ashes glow, the embers hide,

But fire still burns beneath my pride.

- a little poem about how i feel about narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage :)

A midnight breeze whispers, sudden and cold,

tracing her thighs, with fingers sharp and bold.

little photo dump, because i genuinely look so beautiful aaa

@moonkissedlily love u bby <3

*trying to get help with something*

"weak, worthless, useless bitch"

*splits on myself*

i need to see blood.

The first touch felt like a cure,

chaos faded, the world seemed obscure.

Sorrow hushed, anger dissolved,

in a pool of blood, a flower evolved.

I hate u filbrick pines

turns out mixing narcissism with deep rooted insecurity was a spell for disaster.

<i>Who am I allowed to be around you?</i>

Currently getting my socks clean blown off by Rethinking Narcissism, by Dr. Craig Malkin. Which I found, in a roundabout way, from this video on Midsommar, grief, and narcissism.

Tonight I woke up from a nap and accidentally took my morning meds, so I'm going to be up for a few hours because of the meth. In place of sleep, I'll try to roughly sum up some basic ideas proposed by the research the book is based on:

That traits of "narcissism" like entitlement, grandiosity, and feeling special are not inherently toxic. There are times and places they are appropriate and beneficial. If you show up at a hospital with a gunshot wound to the chest, you should not sit and wait to be seen after people with earaches and coughs. (Actually, medical systems are designed to prioritize people with more urgent needs, and you qualify under that system. You are special and are deserving of different treatment than those others, which is why making your needs known, even insisting on it if you're not listened to appropriately the first time, is an extremely good idea. It keeps you from bleeding to death on the floor, and keeps the hospital from getting its pants sued off by your heirs.)

It is more useful to view "narcissism" not as an inherent immutable personality trait, but as a cluster of coping mechanisms. As previously stated, there are times they are exactly the right coping mechanism for the job. However, people we call "narcissists" tend to cling to these ones even when they become detrimental to themselves and others, often because they lack other ways of regulating their emotions and getting their needs met. And that is something they can change, if a person is willing to put in sincere and difficult work. It is not usually fast change; it's a matter of years, not weeks. But a skillbuilding approach turned Borderline Personality Disorder from an immutable curse to a fully treatable (though not quickly treatable) condition, and there's a lot of hope that it can do the same for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Meanwhile, there's an opposite end to the narcissism spectrum, and it is also pathological and destructive to hang out there all the time. It's an aversion, or even a resistance, to expecting yourself or other people to treat your own feelings, thoughts, ideas, needs, or preferences as important. For Greek mythology reasons, its proposed name is Echoism.

Unfortunately, because most of the damage echoism does is, by its very nature, localized to its sufferer and their own personal relationships, its downsides aren't often talked about. In fact, it's often seen as an ideal moral state, a kind of altruism or saintliness everyone should strive for. As a pathological coping mechanism a person is trapped in, though, it's often more a fear-based reflex than a conscious and deliberate attempt to achieve some real and specific good. It's not actually as beneficial as being able to recognize your needs, desires, positive aspects, and areas of competence or excellence, and bring them forward in your relationships with other people and yourself.

To me this has all been a cross between a gut-punch and a cool, sweet drink of water. There have been other ways to describe echoism over the years, but this feels like the most concise and useful one I've seen in ages.

It specifically puts its pin down in the middle of the moral debate a lot of people struggle with—"What right do I have to put myself forward? What hope do I have of being seen and accepted? Isn't it better not to burden anybody else?"—and says that the problem is not feeling in touch with either side of the equation, but specifically, the inability to move from one part of the spectrum to another when it's merited by circumstances.

When I was a child, I thought Echoism was the answer. It was my ideal. I thought it was what would get me the love and acceptance I wanted, and would keep me safe from the pain of rejection or not being understood. I had no idea it would actually, in fact, be the primary cause of alienation and loneliness for the rest of my life.

Now I'm so deeply thankful I couldn't fully achieve it, in practical terms. As hard as I tried to erase myself, there were always things I loved too much to suppress. I still found ways to express and discover myself in the books I read, the stories I wrote, the intellectual work of school and the experience of pursuing hobbies I loved, my ambitions to be helpful even when they demanded I stop being selfless, and the relationships where I felt safe enough to experience love and acceptance even if I didn't think I deserved them.

There's this question I found a while back that echoed in my bones: Who am I allowed to be around you? Because that's what I felt like, as a child. If I wanted to engage with other people and minimize my risk of harm, it was my job to bend into a pretzel and fit the shape they wanted. And thank god, thank god, thank god, I couldn't fully do it. Despite everything, there were parts of me too strong and bright to lop off completely to get my arms and legs inside the carriage. I was able to take care of myself and let them grow in secret until I found social places I could let them out again. Despite myself, I found ways to grow and thrive, well beyond the trauma that said I shouldn't have.

A doubt arousal

I will tell you it's not me

I am a product of virtues and vacancies

The next decision I take

Isn't mine at all

It is manipulated and churned

Ask me a technical term

I will define gaslighting

While defining gaslighting

If I add few irrelevant facts

Forgive me

I already am manipulated

my next few decisions

Aren't within my control

You have me saying it

But I am trained to say so

You have me telling truth

But I am schooled to say so

You have me telling lies

But I was prepared to sell those

If your guts gave you courage

I want you to believe me

When I say believe me

If you doubt yourself right now

Do it

Wear off yourself

Do it

descrate yourself

Do it

Cleave the thoughts you holding

Do it (yourself)

Severely impotent right?

wait I know it's not you

And now you know it's not me

It as it is defined

Is gaslighting

It ain't red lettered alright ?

This definitely is narcissism.

NARCISSISM IS A RACE

Lost a friend today because he refused to listen about how harmful the concept of narcissistic abuse is, despite knowing I have NPD and that I'm a victim of the exact same kind of abuse he was (literally, he described my experience down to the letter).

He was one of my and my partner's closest friends, so today has been really rough.

Please listen to people with NPD about how this harms us. We're neurodivergent people with a largely traumagenic disorder, usually from abuse and/or neglect. We're not monsters, predisposed towards an abusive nature, or capable of a unique kind of abuse. We're just people who struggle with self-esteem because we base our ego primarily on our perception of what others think of us.

We're not saying this can never influence toxic behaviors, we're just pointing out that that's not more true of our disorder any more than any other health condition, from autism and ADHD to OCD to PTSD to addiction to eating disorders to bipolar to depression to anxiety.

We're also not trying to take language from other abuse victims. We're asking you to not be ableist (a form a structured societal abuse) towards other abuse victims. Call it what it is: emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is such a wider category than people realize, and it's important to talk about that. I hear what people are saying when they say they're wanting to describe a specific subtype of emotional abuse, so let's make words for that!

Manipulative abuse, coercive abuse, gaslighting abuse, guilt-tripping abuse, even safety abuse - that last for when people use their own mental health state and threaten self harm or suicide to get their way.

These can all be factors in emotional abuse - what's commonly described as narc abuse is what's standard for emotional abuse, involving a wide variety of tactics to exert control in the absence of physical or sexual abuse - which also can and usually are partly emotional in nature as well.

I'd love to open a conversation about terms that better describe what we went through! I'm just asking that we don't use the ones that further demonize a badly misunderstood disorder, and that people be willing to recognize that their understanding of it is based on a LOT of misinformation.

Just, please, listen to us. Be willing to be open-minded. We aren't your abusers, and we know that you deserved better and deserve a chance to heal to the fullest extent possible. We do too. Please, help make a safe space for us all to do so together.