'No one gives a fuck about my nightmares, But it's nothing you should worry yourself about.'
261 posts
Latest Posts by digital-dissociation-blog - Page 9
When you’re daydreaming a scenario and then suddenly come up with something that would work way better
Sigh
I missed my appointment. My mother wanted to fight me the entire time. We got lost because she didnt want to listen to me and trust my directions . We argued, she yelled and threw stuff at me. The whole day was fucked. Im tired. Unfortunately this morning I started my period, heavy and painful too. So I get to experience that ‘lovely’ dysphoria and dissociation that comes with it. Not to mention my right ear is hurting, and im barely getting over my left ear infection. I toom antibiotics for a week but they left me sicker physically. Sigh...
Letters to my parents, pt. 7
Why did i read this in my mother’s voice
Nervous af
I have an important doctors appointment in like 6 hours. I have not slept. Been drinking wine off and on all night. Hhhh.... So nervous. So nervous so nervous. Anxious and scared. I just want to message him and have him comfort me but hes sleeping and I know hes only had a few hours but..HNG.. I need someone.
If I live through my 20s, I’ll genuinely be surprised
what bpd is like
Bpd be like…
A minor inconvenience? Initiate RAGE
A stranger smiles at you? Initiate LOVE
Your fp doesn’t respond three minutes after you message them? InitiateDESPAIR
Someone bugs you slightly? Initiate HATRED
Something is slightly more than you (more anything at all)? Initiate JEALOUSY
Something good happens? Initiate EUPHORIA
and it all changes within seconds…
✨ Anxiety-Based Affirmations! ✨
“I deserve to be treated well, and others will recognize this.”
“I am confident, capable and wonderful to talk to.“
“I Am Enough.”
“Smile. Breathe. Move forward.”
“I acknowledge my anxiety but I do not have to listen to it.”
“With every breath, I inhale positivity and exhale my negativity.”
“I give my unique gifts to the world.“
“I will handle any anxiety attacks with a calm and logical perspective.”
“Mistakes are temporary and a lesson to learn.”
“I have the strength to overcome any setbacks.”
“I will be my own best advocate.“
“To take care of others, I need to take care of myself.“
“I believe in myself.”
I’m so achy and tired. I didn’t realize until recently just how much pain I am in on a daily basis. Especially lately, I have had this horrible pain flare up in my entire body. It leaves me so exhausted. I go to my Primary on Monday. I’ll be talking to her about everything, especially some suspicions for other things. Eh. I’m so tired.
People Get Tired Of You Being Sick
When you first become ill, they will show you sympathy. They’ll send you cards and hope you get well soon. They’ll call or text to check in and see how you’re doing. They’ll cut you slack. They’ll be understanding when you have trouble keeping up.
But once your illness becomes a chronic condition, they wonder why you can’t get better. They show impatience and frustration. They stop trying to include you in plans. They ask why you aren’t trying harder. They don’t get it. They just want you to be abled again so that you’re not inconveniencing them.
People get tired of you being sick, but they don’t stop to think that you’re probably fucking tired of being sick, too. They don’t take the time to think about how you’d love to just get over it. They don’t care enough to realize you didn’t choose this.
Welp
Today is a “ If it exists on/in my body, It 100% hurts” .
Fun. I want to do absolutely nothing, but I have to smile and pretend my body isnt aching like its been hit by several buses at high speeds since I have things to do today. My mother doesn’t believe me or seem to care about my pain, so.
Yay..
I hate when I get told this. Especially by my own mother, who knows I’m sick. And has the same thing because fuck genetics sometimes right? So..Its like...I have a chronic disorder??? My own existence is an exhausting painful battle???? You should know this as well as anyone??? Smdh
Conversations with abled people I'm sick of
Me, chronically ill: Gosh, I’m so exhausted.
Abled person: YOU’RE tired????? *I* worked all day!
That chronic illness feel when you sleep 13+ hours and wake up feeling exhausted
What an odd unexpected morning...
Last night, after getting some flashbacks and remembering something that happened to me when I was 15 with a 21-year-old. We had a very toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship. A lot of suicide guilt trips, and other unsavory things. I couldn’t exactly leave even when I tried, because he would threaten himself and me. I got into this weird dissociative fog after a massive panic attack, rereading old logs we had shared nearly 8 years ago. Something in me snapped and pressed that I needed to reach out. So I did. I didn't think I would ever get a reply back, but just the attempt felt enough. Surprisingly...He did, in fact, reply, hours later. I felt a little more than horrified, and of course, broke into another panic attack, my heart was racing and I was trembling. But.. we talked. For a short period of time. I told him why I had messaged him. What he did to me and how I felt and how I still felt. He told me he was sorry for what he did and had/has been in therapy since then and is a better person than he was nearly 10 years ago. He asked me if he could have my forgiveness and I told him I could forgive him as a person, but his actions would take longer. Overall things went ok, and a part of me feels better. He was only one of many who had hurt me, but probably one of the only ones I’d ever be able to get an apology from and know they felt guilt and remorse for what they did to me. So.. I’m glad I was able to do this for myself as scary as it was. In a way at this point in time that scary awful toxic abusive guy that I knew is gone, I don’t have to worry about his existence anymore, I have one less person to be afraid of. He can’t hurt me anymore ever again. I hope somewhere deep inside that this has healed at least a tiny part of me.
Even when a flare up is ending, you’ll have hard days. Normal things may leave you out of breath. You may not be able to shake the pain or fatigue. Your energy won’t be there even though it should be. It’s frustrating. But you’ll get through it. You’ve been through this before. You’ll make it through again. ❤️
Little Intro
Hi, My call me Dee! I'm a 23-year-old NonBinary[Neutrois] Spoonie. Over the past few years, I've gotten a few official DX’s after suffering for years since I was really young. Its been hard trying to come to terms with things and accepting my mind and body for what they are and the illnesses I do have. It's taken this long to stop fighting myself and consider extensive therapy and medicine. I tried when I was younger but being a mentally Ill and hurting kid I didn’t want to accept certain things. Especially when society makes things like mental illness so taboo. But I’m 23 now and I realize I went through nothing a child should ever have to, and yes I survived but at the cost of my mental and physical well being. Coming to terms with that, and that I can't and will never be fully able-bodied is hard. I'm hoping that eventually, I learn to accept and love myself the way I am and stop comparing myself to others. A bit about my conditions:
Mental:
•C-PTSD
•Anxiety/Panic Disorder [Severe]
•BPD
•Bipolar
•Depression [Severe]
•Dissociative Disorder
•DPDR
•OCD
•Paranoid Personality Disorder
•Maladaptive Daydreaming. [not sure if this counts much.]
| I also think I have OSDD-1b but I'm too scared to tell my new Doctor just yet.
Physical:
•IBS-D
•Fibromyalgia
•PCOS
•Psoriasis
•Terrible sinus/ear issues that we don't know what it's from yet.
•Eating Disorders. [A and B, as well as BED] •Sluggish Gallbladder
Medications:
Going to start Vistaril soon for my anxiety. Hope it helps. If anyone is on it too let me know how it helps for you.
Tldr; I'm using this blog as a way to help vent and come to terms with things about my mental and physical health. The past few years have hit me so hard. A lot of trauma memories resurfacing because of trying to recover from abuse and a bad childhood. The stress of this flaring up my body and a lot of invalidation from my mother and family. I just want to at least make a small place for myself where I can feel that I somewhat belong, even a tiny bit.
So..Lets see where this goes. :)