?????

I just get so bummed out when I think about how I'll always be too shy to say what's on my mind I'm fantasizing all the t i m e~   and every day is always ☀️ ｓｕｎｎｙ ☀️ I'm sweet as syrup on ya, 𝒽𝑜𝓃𝑒𝓎 and isn't it w ₒ ₙ d ₑ ᵣ f ᵤ ₗ ? how you make me so pǝsnɟuoɔ, when I talk to you am I losing my ｍｉｎｄ or am I winning your 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽? oh if only I'd met you w a y back when I was alone without a friend things would've been so much easier then now I forget how to feel I haven't fully healed oh, from that ᴀᴡꜰᴜʟ blow I hope it doesn't show cause I don't want to be  ₐ ₗ ₒ ₙ ₑ every day's an apple pie when I'm with you I'm not so shy and I almost feel alive in your ♥ 𝒶𝓇𝓂𝓈 ♥ help me forget what I'm going through and I'll give 🎀  𝑒 𝓋 𝑒 𝓇 𝓎 𝓉 𝒽 𝒾 𝓃 𝑔  🎀 to you it's the least that I could do we could be happy, you and me we could be happy, you and me 𝓌𝑒 𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝒷𝑒 𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓅𝓎, 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓂𝑒 𝔀𝓮 𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭 𝓫𝓮 𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓹𝔂

I made a RedBubble!

Hi, you can call me D, Des, Digital, Digi. Any is fine.

I am a 23yrold NB Spoonie trying to make some money to be able to support myself on, hopefully, to try and be less of a burden on my family. I am usually an artist, but with that going nowhere I’ve decided to try Graphic Design? Is that the term? If you love what I have done so far I have a bunch of prints on lots of items! Would love for you to check it out! Every bit helps! Thank you♥♥♥ https://www.redbubble.com/people/dgitldisociasyn

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.

Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.

Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.

I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.

Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.

But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Bash in my brain

And make scream with pain

Then kick me once again

And say we’ll never part

I know too well

Im underneath your spell

So darling if you smell

Something burning

It’s my heart~

Take your cigarette from its holder

And burn your initials in my shoulder

Fracture my spine

And swear that you’re mine

As we dance to the

Masochism Tango!

What even am I to him? I’m tired of the questioning. Im just going to give up I guess. He’ll never love me the same way. Im just going to settle for my ex and forget any feelings I have for him. Im tired of being lonely and confused and unloved, my daydreams have become hell knowing it will never be real. Im done.

Love doesnt exist.

7/3/19

9:20am

I feel like fuck. My head hurts. My stomach is killing me. Stress ulcers maybe?

My heart has also been acting up again, every anxiety pang gets my heart to skip and palpitate. Which unfortunately is way more often than not. 

Wondering if my iron is low, got that stupid blood disorder that ruins everything if my eating is ‘off’.

I’m also shaking a bit, my hands are just shaking lightly.

Just going to smoke some, calm my nerves, and try and rest.

It’ll pass. Time passing is inevitable, this won’t last forever. I just gotta tough it out.

Fucking tired.