What The Fuck Am I Doing - Blog Posts

The insanity continues

Hi hello Terzo lovers community are we losing our minds. I'm going to try painting him; wish me luck. Feel free to comment on the outfit because I was trying my hand at designing something and it went from say yes to the dress to say yes to the SLUT.

mgs2 Substance for the PS2 makes me think things

this is old as shit so I might redo it at some point (lmk if I should lol)

PS how do I set up asks I've been on tumblr for like 0.2s I want stupid requests, tech help gets a kiss on the cheek (verbally)

i just HAD to stay up to work on these a little bit but like fuck why is it two am i have class tomorrow

i love sitting under desks in class

(i SWEAR im working on posts, artblock has been beating me like i owe it money recently)

im ALSO in a gears cosplay so even more what the fuck

Idk what I’m doing anymore

Don’t need you.

genre; angst.

soulmate au; where soulmates can feel each others emotional pain. If the first physical contact with said soulmate is under negative or forced circumstances, it leaves a mark.

summary; Guzma and the reader are soulmates, but it doesn’t work out the way the reader thought it would. He pushes them away. The bad guys don’t get happy endings.

pairings; guzma x gn!reader

warnings; shitty dialogue, like two swears, doesn’t venture deeply into mental health but hints at the reader’s possible atelophobia.

atelophobia - fear of not being good enough. Imperfection.

A/N; I imagine the mark to be like smeared charcoal or something, I’m an artist so I have a ✨creative mind✨ kidding. But on a serious note, I don’t actually write often since I have this permanent writers block where I feel like whatever I write, it just is shit. Anyways, I have decided to actually post one of my writings for the first time. Shocker. I had the sudden idea to start writing this at 1am, DON’T BE TOO HARSH ON ME. This will probably be apart of a short angst oneshot series bc I’m an evil bitch and clearly like to cause myself and others emotional distress. - Lily <3

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“You can’t help me, kid. I’m far too gone.”

Far too gone to care.

You remember his voice, it seems like it’s the only thing that makes an appearance in your dreams. Dreams of something better. A better outcome, perhaps?

It was in your nightmares too. Nightmares.

Bad dreams weren’t something that you were used to experiencing, considering yourself to be one of the lucky ones because you never had to deal with them often. Luck.

What bullshit.

Now…now, you had bad dreams almost every night. You couldn’t sleep. Every time you closed your eyes, you could see his face, his bored expression as he stared at you like you mean nothing to him. As if you were someone beneath him. Someone not worthy of his time. Someone not worthy.

You hated that feeling.

Stupid.

“You didn’t even give me a chance.” your voice cracked at the end of the sentence slightly. as if you could literally feel your heart shatter into millions of little pieces.

“Just let me help, please. Just let me help you.”

Desperation. A need for approval.

The team skull leader raised his chin as he literally looked down at you, a thick eyebrow arched as his narrowed eyes scanned yours for any sign of dishonesty. A lie.

Why would you lie? He’s your soulmate. Your person. The person who you’re supposed to love and care about more than anything. More than anyone.

You were being genuine.

“Huh.” The Team Skull boss clicked his tongue. “You’re being genuine. People in Alola have too much to prove. Always looking for ways to prove themselves to anyone willing to pay attention. Everyone’s too caught up in bettering themselves that they begin to lose awareness of everyone else around them. It’s pathetic.”

“I’ve got nothing to lose…and I’m not from Alola, I’m from Kanto. Kanto region.” You tell him, your eyes glazing over with unshed tears of frustration at his harshness that was directed towards you. For a short moment, you could’ve sworn his face softened, but maybe it was just a fragment of your imagination. Imagining what you wanted to see. Not what was actually happening.

“I could tell.” His hands are shoved into his pockets, asserting boyish arrogance. He looked bored. “You reek of weakness.”

You could tell this attempted heart to heart was getting you nowhere. You weren’t always the best at confrontation. “You’re pushing me away. I understand why, really, I only want to help you I-“ you cut yourself off, searching his eyes for any warmth, anything at all.

Cold.

“You’re saying that you’d only want to help cause’ I’m your soulmate, they think you can get through to me like your little friends and Kukui always wanted. I’m good. I don’t need your help. You weren’t there for me before, I don’t need you now. I don’t need you.”

Harsh.

You visibly winced. The feeling of rejection prodding at your already shattered heart like a knife, panging in your chest. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Isn’t it?” A sinister grin formed on his face, picking and playing at your weaknesses, he could do that you know. Stupid connection. He’s the only one who could.

“No. It isn’t.” You sounded exasperated now. Furrowing your eyebrows.

“You’re so mean.”

You could’ve sworn you heard an “I know” in response.

“I don’t want to see your face again.” His voice was cold, distant. But it sounded strained. Like he wasn’t 100% willing to let you go without even getting to know you. To know his soulmate. It was your turn to act cold. “Believe me when I say this pretty boy.” You laughed bitterly. A sour taste spreading throughout your tastebuds as you spoke such poison. Now that’s going to be a lot of damage. “The feeling is mutual.”

Lies.

He tilted his head to the left. Eyebrows raised at the nickname. You walked forward, bumping his shoulder harshly as you walked past him and Plumeria, even she looked worried. That was going to leave a nasty mark for sure, but you could deal with the setbacks later. The grunts worried eyes were fixated on your retreating figure as you walked away.

You stopped.

“Oh, and by the way…I don’t need you either.” You let out a humourless snicker. “I’m not going to try to fight for you anymore, for this…whatever this is, because you wouldn’t do the same for me. Clearly.” You were putting your guard up to hide the unwanted emotions that you were truly feeling at that moment. Heartbreak.

“See you around, soulmate.” The bitterness poured from your tongue like acid rain, as you waved your hand dismissively at the group, not even bothering to wait for their reactions to your confession. His reaction.

When you had gotten far enough, you squeezed your eyes shut. Finally allowing the tears to fall. Something in you was screaming at you to GO BACK and fix it.

Fix it.

You couldn’t fix it. Not this time.

Your shattered heart.

You could feel the tug, the pull…the strain in your chest the further you walked away, the stronger the tug felt. Strained.

He said he didn’t need you.

He didn’t need you.

He didn’t want you.

But you wanted him more than anything. You needed him. Pain.

All you felt was pain.

The pull in your chest tugged at your heartstrings to turn around. Run to him as fast as you could and hug him tightly. Run to him.

You didn’t.

Maybe you were more like each other than you both thought.

You were soulmates after all.