Sadbois - Blog Posts

MY DEAREST L…

Hello, it's been a while and a few things have changed since we last spoke. I've decided to quit smoking for one. I'm not to sure how long it will last this time but I'm going to try my best to stop.

i know that your coming over this week. just hope that you can handle me being cranky hahah. but anyways i've just been chilling out. oh! yeah i've noticed that i can breath better actually now that i stopped smoking. i was short of breath all the time before but now i seem to be getting better.

a craving is hitting right now. i'm trying to just ignore it and wright throw the craving. anyways talk to you tomorrow.

Eytukan, The Plant.

I've had Eytukan for about 2 or 3 months now and it's been quite a beautiful experience he already had a few leaves when I get him but today I noticed it was time for him to get his first leaf cut off. plants grow too fast for me :( I wish they could stay small and cute but watching them grow up is an amazing experience honestly. he is so healthy and strong he loves his new pot I had to report him bec he wasn't doing so well in the training pot which I found kinda weird but once I got him in this Terracotta pot he just jumped back to life. I have also been misting him every few days and he always looks so perky the next day >.< it's so cute to see, oh and he's not the only plant I own, like 40 plant's but this on is just soo cute i had to blog about him XD

MY DEAREST L…

So last night I was laying with L in bed after we shared an intimate night together moments before and I felt discussed with myself, is this normal to feel that way? but like things got a little messy when we were having our moment together and I have OCD maybe it was just my OCD bec after that I had to shower and clean myself, I then got out of the shower and my manic episode started I had to clean my room and I had to move around I also when feeling so many emotions at once I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it. but I was just weird that those feelings came up the way they did but I've felt it before. when I was hooking up with people but I'm not doing that as much anymore bec I don't want to do that with him, so I stopped doing it except for the rare moments when I do but it's so rare now, what I was getting at is that when I was done doing it and I came home from them I would have to shower bec I felt so nasty and gross and I felt that way last night so that's why I'm asking is it normal to feel that way sometimes when I'm with him? it's the first time I've ever felt that way with him. I honestly do think it was just my OCD and that I wasn't taking my meds right I was a bit not sleeping and not doing what I'm supposed to on them and do I like tell him about this or do I keep it to myself? like is there a limit to what you are supposed to talk about with your other half? or are you supposed to be fully transparent with them? I would really like some feedback on this post bec I honestly don't know what to think about it...

MY DEAREST L…

Gotta love it when a manic ep hits at 3am....

MY DEAREST L…

so an update on how I'm doing, my stress is going and leaving I'm tired but scared to sleep... and my swallowing is getting a bit better but not by much. I just want to wake up tomorrow and everything be back to normal, ugh I hate having stuff wrong with me. I can't even eat hard food bec I keep associating it with not being able to swallow last night, and my stress is just getting the best of me bec I'm all alone right now. I hate being alone, well... not being alone. I just hate being alone when something is wrong with me in case something happens and none is here for me. I have to take my sleeping pill I hope I can swallow it...

MY DEAREST L…

Get this last night around 5:45am I came home from a little meeting with L and we had some rough head on my part... it was really eye opening but it turns out it's all fun and games till someone almost dies, yes that's right I legit almost died this morning when I came home. so what happened is that I irritated my throat and when I went to eat a donut it was too dry and didn't go down but then I thought that I couldn't swallow so I stressed and my throat LEGIT fully closed up on me and I couldn't swallow at all!!! it was so scary I thought I was going to die... I rushed to the ER on my sleeping pill yeah I had that in my system they thought I had a bad trip on weed. can we just talk about how stupid doctors kinda are, like come on do you really think that I'd be here right now if I thought that it was only a bad trip? LIKE HELLO!!!! I can't fucking swallow bitch, she looked at me and said can you breathe? and I was like yeah I can then she followed up with okay like I take your vitals so she check my oxygen and my heart rate and my blood pressure, then came back and said that I'm fine I just must have swallowed something down the wrong hole and that's why it feels like something it stuck there, then she opened the door and sent me on my way... grate job now what am I supposed to do if I go home and I can't swallow again? then she said to call 911. well, that way my day. how was yours?

MY DEAREST L…

I sit here today with a smoke in my hand and some unfortunate news I skipped work the other day not bec I wanted to, well that's I lie, I did want to not go that day but the thing is I hit up crazy girl. you know that series I was going to start but never got around to it, well I hit her up and went out to drink with her that night and I wasn't expecting to buy a bag but I did and things went south for me really fast it wasn't good shit and I wasn't feeling well at all, all night I just didn't want to be bothered and I was at the bar I wanted out of here. I honestly feel so bad with myself for doing that shit again. I just don't. want to go to that stupid job I'm at and drinking and lines are not taking me down the right path there making me feel like there is no meaning to life but when I do them I feel happier than when I'm sober. I've decided to take a break from the drugs and the alcohol for i bit to gather my mind. I've come to the realization that it's not the things I'm doing that's putting me down it's the job I'm at and the people I'm around that's doing it, I need to start actually living I'm 22 now and I still live at home while others are put there living there lives I just want to move on from this time in my life and actually start my own and being stuck in this house and town is starting to eat me alive. I can't take it anymore I can breathe, I have no space but leaving my mom behind is so hard for me I feel like I can't be we're so close together. like what is she going to do once I'm not here with her anymore? what is she supposed to spend her day doing when all she's done since I was born is be with me? I just don't know what to do anymore.

if anymore has any feedback or opinion please shear them I'd love to hear what you'd have to say!

Car thoughts

MY DEAREST L…

Ever just want to escape to I different time in the world? well I do, I wish I could go back to the 1800s when the light was nothing but an open candle flame and beds were made of the finest satin in the world, a time when love was actually love and guy's were begging to be held in the arms of anyone that would love them when even the moon longed for company.

Do you think the sun is as lonely as the moon? or do you think they are okay with being apart, I mean, I know the moon has her stars and the sun has his clouds but sometimes you just need more than that.

Ever sit in your room and smell something bad so you get up and look around your room for the smell and can't find it but it's following you around and you're just left standing there and are like "WTF IS THAT SMELL??!?!?!" then you realize that it's you that smells like shit.....

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.

My Dearest L...

The past few days have not felt real to me I've been feeling as if my world around me is nothing but a dream-like nothing is what it seems, I've been sticking into a dark place again but I seem to be slowly crawling out of my hole. I'm starting to snap back to reality, I started watching downtown abbey it seems to be trading right now so I thought I'd give it a try idk how I really feel about it yet, I'll have an updated post about it but for now, I'll just use it to distract myself from the world around me bec if I don't have anything to keep my mind busy that's when I start to over think and things tend to become bad for me. My OCD seems to be getting worse I'm starting to count things now like I have to run my fingers throw my curtains 4-6 times before I open or close the door or after I wash my hands I have to flick the water off my hands 4-6 times before I dry them.

My Dearest L...

Have you ever been on the phone with someone and talked to them about something that interests you then they LEGIT fall asleep on you mid-conversation, it's almost 4am right now and I get he's tired but like I'M ABOUT TO SLAP A BITCH!!!

My Dearest L...

The flames of a candle can only burn so bright till it dies out, there was once this dream I had where I was in a car and I saw my sister across a street looking at me and I was going to back the car into a driveway so I could pull into my friend's driveway, but as I was backing up behind me turned into a pond and the car slowly started to sink into the water I looked at me sister begging her to help me but she didn't move she just stood there looking at me as I was screaming fr her help sinking into this pond with the car. I managed to open my eyes but I could not see anything but the dream still in my line of vision, I heard everything going on around me but I could not move. when I finally managed to push myself out of this slumber I rolled over to my left and there was this big dark figure that stood from my floor to my ceiling it didn't seem like it wanted to hurt me but once I noticed it I turned I rolled to the right really fast and then rolled to the left to see if it was still there and it was gone...

The rain, it falls as if it's lifeless. So beautiful, so soft, so loved...

言の葉の庭 / The Garden Of Words  dir. Makoto Shinkai

My Dearest L...

Am I ever going to truly find my way in this world? or am I just another robot going with the flow of life, when am I actually going to start living? will my life ever truly get better? I'm going to share a dream of mine with you. I dream of the day that I'll live in a mini hut in the forest away from all people and the city, I just want to live off-grid with nothing but you and my little hut and are cute little morning fires to warm are tea and are coffee and the river to wash our clothes than to sit together and watch the sunset together.

it's really lonely here without you...

♡ marmalade boy ♡

My Dearest L...

well, I may have made new friends at my new job, not sure it if will last honestly, but at least I'm trying to put myself out there as much as I don't want to. it will be nice to have some people to have tea and coffee with :)

My Dearest L...

well, I don't really know how this is going to go, I'm going to see the broken girl today maybe later on I haven't seen her since the night I when to her boyfriend's house and almost got covid >-< and the last time I saw her mom was when she throw my parents out of her house bec I was influencing her kid to drink more when in reality she was the one asking me to drink every weekend... now her mom wants to meet up for tea after that shit like really.

My Dearest L...

Well it's 6:21am and I'm still up... ever feel as if you're just wasting your life away? like your waiting for that one person to just come into your life that will make it something again, get you off your bed, make you feel something again... I wonder where that person is for me sometimes... I sit in my room day after day sleeping my whole day away never seeing sunlight very much anymore only the very few seconds I get when I pop my sleeping in the morning the sun jumps through my window crack. other than that I just don't see it, I try to think that maybe I'll actually get up and do something beautiful with my life but honestly I just don't have the energy for that stuff right now. all my friends moved away or just didn't talk to me anymore. I only have the ones on my phone but who wants to stare at a screen all the time you know. I forgot how to even make friends like how do I put effort to put myself out there when none wants to even get to know me? I just don't really attract people I guess... anyway I'm off to bed now. see ya on the flipside!!!

My Dearest L...

I woke up today thinking that it was going to be a good day, time passes so slowly when you are in your room blocked away from the outside world for so long. I haven't gone to work in about a month and a half not that I don't want want to go back, I just don't think I can without her help. cleaning room's alone just won't be the same without her help, she's been in the hospital just as long as I've been out of work. she seems to be getting better but I think she's just hiding the truth from me bec she doesn't think I can handle it and the truth is I probably can't handle it. I miss her so much... I just want her to come home and be with me and my sister again like things used to be but nothing will be the same now. the scary part is that I might only have about 5 years left with her till her sickness takes her from us all... I try to think about it, it's not worth the stress to live in it. I try to just live as much as I can with her while we still have her. time is not something she has much of but the time we spend together. why does he have to take her so soon from us??!!??

Broken Girl... Coming soon!

Man, do I have a story to tell you guys! I'll prob be posting it in parts bec it's still ongoing but I'm writing out the beginning. I keep telling myself I should have blogged about it when it first started happening but my I have to work with my sister to get it all from the beginning bec I have a really bad memory that's why most of my blog post is really how I'm feeling in that moment and they're very raw. anyways I'll be blogging about this girl very soon, should be some time starting around next week. Maybe Monday? I'm not sure, yet...

My Dearest L...

Man, do I have stuff to catch you up on!! There has been so much happening lately.

I'll be posting ALOT soon so make sure you keep up 🖤

My Dearest L...

It's 5:49am and I went through a nether bipolar episode I'm so sad that I'm in this bed all alone with none to catch me when I fall. Time goes by while everyone has someone and I have none....I always used to think you and my sister would be alone and I'd be the happy one but who was I kidding I'm not that lucky...

dark filled night skys, red filled moring sunrise.

@thesadboisclub

My Dearest L...

I FUCKING HATE YOU for bringing him over that night and letting him talk to me, you knew I was vulnerable and I wasn't in the right state of mind and you still let him slip into my feelings, my thoughts, my heart... he dug and dug down into my heart and laid his bed and made himself at home, he walked around talking to her and you knew for so damn FUCKING long and told me to damn late you knew how much I put into him.. I did things for him I would of never of did for ANYONE in my life. but he was dif and you saw it in my eye's and you still let him break me in the end. you let him slip away tbh we all you, me and J......

I light my smoke, you forget are book. A story I started, which you decide to end. Time only moves slow when the smoke slips through your fingers in the bed next to me.🖤💀

My Dearest L...

So I had this really weird ss dream last night, I was in the Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit movie, of course, I was Gromit cuz who else would I be... but I was in the movie, and instead of catching rabbits and vacuuming them up I found Wallace in the back garden room with the were-rabbit and he was feeding GOD DAMN GIRLS TO HIM like WTFFFF I then proceeded to roll my eyes and walk away from him thinking to myself that the rabbit is only going to grow up with a bad temper cuz he was only eating girls like where were the guys in this. did Wallace not feed him guys cuz he didn't want the rabbit to one day turn on him or was it bec the rabbit was sexist??? well that's a question only the people that make my insane wild dreams would know XDD 

If you would like me to type out my dreams more on my blog let me know cuz I have some really crazy fucked up ones. just repost and like this post to let me know if you are interested :)

My Dearest L...

I know. I know it's been a long time since I posted prob only been about a week or two but for me, it feels like years. I just wanted to clear my head and come on here and vent some shit out. you ever just sit in your room at night in the dark. FYI that is NOT what I am doing right now I am on my computer in the dark in my room XD but that is not what I'm trying to get at. now do you ever just sit there and think YES ENTHEO EVERYONE THINKS" thank's inner voice, anyways you're just thinking, and then that one thought comes into your head "I'm going to get arrested!!" did I do anything wrong no! did I steal anything NO! okay now though you may leave. but does it no... then you start thinking even more and you like back when I was 5 I stole gum that was like 50c now I'm going to damn jail and I'm never going to have a family or kids MY LIFE IS OOOVVVEEERR!!!!.... then you snap back to reality and you just are like what was I thinking about again...