I Want To ⭐️ve - Blog Posts

Current mood = Brown clouds

I just feel so super empty and numb today. I miss surfing. I miss my parents. I miss my old friends. I miss dancing. I miss falling asleep to k-dramas and walks to grams. I miss caring. ED... Why did you do this to me? I'm locked in a cage with you and I want to escape but without you... Without you I feel like I lose myself. Maybe I just hate myself. I hate this.

Current mood = Grey clouds

Why are all my friends skinny and I'm the only whale in the room? Why can they eat so much when they want and I'm still broken and struggling? Why me?

Here I am

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Just a 27yr old Aussie girl 🦘🇦🇺 living in USA 🏈🇺🇲

What do I say? I'm back on Tumblr after failing so hard. It's the only place I feel accepted and understood. That's me, just a girl trying to hold everything together 😿

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My stats

I'm fat. That's my stats.

Height/165 cm

SW/106 kg

CW/106 kg

UGW/50 kg

Wishful thinking GW/0 kg I don't even want a body.

being bmi 16 but not FEELING bmi 16 is a different type of pain T_T

⭐️ing yourself feels like addiction

Can someone remind me tomorrow that I don’t need to eat so much 🙃 I seriously need to lose weight again

Does anyone else feel better about their body since relapsing?? Like I used to sit at the mirror and nitpick everything wrong with my appearance but now I'm just like 'damn, I look good. Once I lose a few kilos I'll look great'

Just had a quest bar and I'm sorry but they taste so bad😭 I think if I really got a craving for something sweet I'd rather just have a chocolate bar and go for a run or something. They only had the cookies and cream one so maybe that's just a bad flavour?

Did my very first 24hr fast today and I decided to break it with chia seed pudding, some blueberries and a banana, I'm so proud of myself it was easier than I was expecting tho ngl

Just tried one of these for the first time and it's so good!?!? They're super cheap too which is awesome

Monday 6/11

I'm posting this a little late because I was so tired yesterday I forgot😭 this wasn't all I ate (I had like an apple and stuff) but this was the meals and my net calories do reflect everything I ate, I think today I'm just gonna sleep😭

Sunday 5/11

Man I am so tired today😭 I also kinda wanna start drinking more smoothies/protein shakes just to kinda get me out of the habit of putting stuff in my mouth if that makes sense?? I wish I didn't love food so much man </3

Saturday 4/11

I almost forgot to post yesterday's food log I was so tired😭 it's getting easier to eat less though so that's always a plus

Friday 2/11

Sadly I couldn't do a full 24 hr liquid fast like I wanted to because my step sister was getting sus but I did consume net 0 calories instead😭 I went on like a 3 hr walk

I'm back and I'm gonna try a 24hr liquid fast for the first time, wish me luck♡

Monday 30/10

Today I had 945 calories which is a little too close for comfort for me but at least it's under I suppose. I wish I could make my own dinner so I can control what I eat more😭

For lunch I had an apple and some black tea because I was feeling pretty hungry, which was 50 calories

After school I had a little bowl filled with lettuce, salmon, scrambled eggs and a tiny bit of avocado which was 196 calories

For dinner mum made pasta, leas and crumbed sausages which I ended up having two of, that was 697 calories😭

Saturday 28/10

Today I had 729 calories, I really wanna cut down though because I haven't really lost any weight in the past week😭

For breakfast/lunch dad made me some sausages and eggs and I felt bad so I didn't wanna turn it down😭 it was 353 calories

I had a little meal around 5 because I get hungry around then, it was around 25 calories

For dinner I had what I had yesterday which is some glazed salmon with some leftover creamy potatoes which was 350 calories

Friday 27/10

Here's my food for the day! I got to make my own dinner so the total calories are only 575

For lunch I had some peanut butter on rice cakes, 175 calories

For dinner I had some leftover creamy potatoes and some glazed salmon I made! There wasn't much here to make a glaze though so I used some malt vinegar, pork bulgogi, sugar and tomato sauce. It was surprisingly tasty but I have no idea how many calories it was, I'm gonna guess like 50, in total for dinner though it was 400 calories

Wednesday 25/10

My parents still eat super unhealthy but I could manage it this time! Yippee!

Today I had 896 calories which now that I've added my dinner calories up that's kinda crazy like my smoothie (which looks gross but it was actually yum trust me) was less than 200 calories

After school I went on a walk and had a smoothie with banana, apple, cinnamon and a little milk which was 182 Cal

Mum made dinner and she gave me a huge portion for some reason?? It was 714 Cal though which I mean thank god I didn't eat anything more throughout the day like that's actually crazy. Surprisingly I ended up eating it all tho mainly because I didn't want my mum getting suspicious

Ngl an ana coach would be nice.

I started a whole new routine and it's so much better than it was.

As much as I don't like working out and sweating I decided to put effort in.

An hour and a half on the treadmill is not that much.

I don't like vanilla cherry diet coke but I feel like I need it, because it would probably prevent me from eating.

I was "fasting" all day but ate at night when I came home so it feels like I cheated. 12 hours basically out of the window.

I don't understand why I can't stop myself. Not too long ago was so easy.

So new years! Yippee! Things are gonna get better and I will be skinnier.

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ DISCORD SERVER

I made a discord server for 18+ @n@/m1a/3d peeps who like anime and games!

There are lots of stuffs there already lmao. Gaming channel, anime channel, vent and a bunch of 3d related ones like th1nspø, m3alspø, tips and shared mesdia! You can reccomend your favourite music, movie that triggers you.

There is not a lot of people on it, and it's still under "construction", so suggestions are welcome!

Link:

https://disboard.org/server/1174491466287030303

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ NOVEMBER

I decided that I am kot gonna date things lmao. Kinda feeling mentay frustrated, so I hoped a break would make it better. It, in fact, did not.

I am in one discord server and people are really really nice, but I feel like I abandoned that server and I just dunno. I'd like a community where I can ramble about my silly things and people motivate eachother to push through things. Don't get me wrong, like I said they are really nice, motivating and everything. I just feel like I didn't connect much, but that can be just me.

Anyhow, a gaming-ana server is what I wanna make. For sillies that are like me idk. I might just need more friends lmaoo.

Also I have been fasting for two days now but my period just decided to come, so ugh. Fortunately whenever it happens I don't feel much hunger, so I can just fast and be happy. I am planning on going til saturday because I am meeting up with a friend that day and we already made plans to visit a café. Im sure he will make a suggestion to eat something somewhere too.

So yes yippee. That is for this update. I might restart the logging.

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ NOVEMBER 1-2

The last week was shitty in terms of starving myself. I plateaued at 73 and I haven't been gaining which is nice, but I haven't been losing either.

Because of the holidays, birthdays and other events I couldn't avoid eating normal amounts but sadly I have been craving things I haven't craved in a long time and it's making me crazy.

For example I really don't like white bread, yet I broke my 72 hour fast after the 27th hour because I had this instant need for it. I looked at the slice, conteplated only a little and bit into it. It was such a big slice too. I knew I can't eat it, that I shouldn't eat it, yet I still did.

Fucking other weight losing tactics haven't worked on me before only starving myself did. Only restricting my calorie intake to 800-400-200 did. What am I supposed to do? Stop because I failed even at something so simple like not fucking stuffing my mouth?

I even ate KFC like a pig. Ate the grander and the twist thing then drank the pumpkin spice shake. I knew I shouldn't but I couldn't stop. The craving and the hunger for it was too much.

God I wanna cry. I wanna tear everything out. They were so good, but for how long? Until I finished watching a moist critical video, which was 10 minutes long.

Why can't I wait? Why can't I control it? I hate it so much.

I hate food. I don't want it anymore.

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 26

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➀ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➀ Monster energy zero - 14 cal

➀ Tortilla with with tuna, corn and light mayo - 211 cal

➀ Tortilla with tuna, corn, broccoli, cheese and tomato sauce - 386 cal

Water - 1.4l/2l

Full - 611 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 9482/10000 - 381 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 381 cal

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 25

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➁ Green apple 309g - 180 cal

➀ Tortilla with with tuna and corn - 545 cal

Water - 1.6l/2l

Full - 725 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 8698/10000 - 353 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 353 cal

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 24 + WEEK SUMMARY

I was so absent gah daym. I binge watched trigun again then watched trigun stampede and grrr the brainrot was so real and strong (curse you knives for being so crazy and yet so appealing for my brain) and quite honestly I just didn't bother to write logs.

The whole week been really chill, mostly spent my time at home mainly because I got kinda ill...for a day lmao. After that I was just kinda tired all day so I stayed in bed, only woke up to do my nails, which took me 4 days btw because Im not a professional and I wanted it to be perfect.

So yes, I only logged my food down in the tracker and wasted away. Makes me kinda sad, kinda guilty but at the same time it is what it is.

AlsonI noticed that now it's not as hot and warm outside so my body doesn't "crave" water so I forget to drink and that's not good. It makes me hungry and bored so I often catch myself wandering in the kitchen, opening and closing the fridge door to see if my stomach wants anything other than meat, veggies and fruits. Not too big on eating carbohydrates and if I can I will avoid it even tho my body supposedly needs it. (I was a hypocrite today tho I craved rice and gave)

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➀ Pickwick green tea (lemon) 350ml - 0 cal

➁ Green apples 287g - 166 cal

➁ Eggs 106g - 152 cal

➁ Bowl of Basmati rice with tuna, corn and broccoli - 700 cal

Water - 1.6l/2l

Full - 1018 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 10217/10000 - 410 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 420 cal

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 17

Waking up early is never a pleasant thing, since family is home and they remind me to pack food. Fortunately my mom gives a lift to my brother who starts really early, so she wasn't be able to force me to bring food and my sister and father doesn't really care.

It was so cold today I could see my breath in the air. My dumbass also forgot to pack handcream into my bag because my hands dry out because of the chilly air, so much that it's starts to cut up or something. I could wear gloves sure, but it feels restricting.

Alsoo! I weighed myself in the morning and I was 73.5kg! When I was talking with my best friend I could see it on my face an neck how much thinner it is already so I am really happy.

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➀ Pickwick green tea (lemon) 300ml - 0 cal

➂ Green apples - 291 cal

➁ Homemade margherita pizza - 204 cal

Water - 1.7l/2l

Full - 150 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 8249/10000 - 330 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 330 cal