I Am Sorry - Blog Posts

I am sorry Hillbilly- 😭

He has been through too much... i want to hug em 😥

Potentially unoriginal post coming right up! (Sorry to whoever did this before me lol)

If we were fans of Awsten Knight as a solo artist would we be called...

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The Knighties?

I am just a robot, beep boop beep, I can't draw hands, error, error, reconnecting to the "soony-ai", beep boop

Two characters from completely different shows: *have the same alias stemming from the same thing* 

Me: Adm

Imagine all the Peters who lost their Harrys stuck in the emotion of wanting to hug their best friend even though it's not their best friend 😭

if gwen is a spiderperson statistically theres probably a harry osborn spiderperson. do you think he ever gets uncomfortable about how many other spiderpeople are constantly in battles to the death with him or his dad. do you think he makes sure to wear his mask because his face has a good chance of giving someone a ptsd flashback. do you think he thinks about how small the chance was of him ever being good

Did I ever tell you guys of the time I forgot Christianity was called that so I called it the "Jesus Fandom" yeah that happened I don't speak of it but it sits in my mind some days

Y'know if you really think about it "i love meat" and "i love nuts" are the same thing.

But also the opposite.

Me, while staring at a wall unblinkingly: do you think buggy sometimes detaches his head to suck his own weewee?

hey, im so sorry i haven been posting lately, i’ve had a lot of problems at home and i haven’t had the motivation to write :(

i’m pretty sure everyone who played deltarune had the same drawing idea

more jaycee because i absolutely love her so much

please jaycee you’re wonderful if anything happens to you in my story, it’s not my fault it’s part of the LORE of the STORY

HNNNG GUESS WHOS BACK

(I wrote this way too fast because i needed to write this down before i writers block kicked back in so there are probably spelling mistakes, grammar issues (theres always grammar issues with my writing LMAO) goodluck!)

I'm imagining Reader, who is a traveler who goes overseas often. They go to Piltover and meet Vander and decide to join their cause, becoming a merchant to get extra money to bring in.

Reader is getting ready to set sail with their crew and Vander pulls them aside just before they leave and gives them a promise ring. Once they do set sail, Reader waves at Vander until hes out of sight.

While they were away, Vander, Silco, Connol and Felicia helped him plan an actual proposal. When Reader did finally return, they were expecting to be proposed to the second they got off of the ship but to their surprise, they were just welcomed back normally. After the next few weeks, Reader stays suspicious but in the end figures that he's going to wait until after they beat Piltover.

Once Reader is no longer suspicious, they set the plan in motion.

One day, Felicia invites Reader out and they walk around topside. Eventually, Reader is dragged into a shop and Felicia pretends to look around before "spotting" an outfit that Reader also likes. Felicia convinces them to buy it, and they do. They head back and Reader styles the outfit and while they were changing, Connol told her that everything was ready and they both sneak out.

While Reader and Felicia were out, Silco and Connol had been cooking. Reader faintly smells their favourite food as they walk out, all dressed up and see that the only thing waiting for them was a note saying that Felicia had to go.

Before Reader could change Silco shows up and asks them to help him gather some supplies or something. He insists that they don't need to change and they head out, grabbing bits and pieces from various shops before heading in a direction Reader doesn't recognise and before they can ask about it, Silco hands them a blind fold and asks them to put it on. Which they do, now incredibly suspicious (and slightly concerned).

Silco leads them along until they stop and he walks off, and Vander tells them to take off the blindfold, which they do. Immediately seeing that they're stabding ontop of an old building, a gorgeous view of Piltover and the sky, the sun setting, casting a beautiful glow over the city. Two chairs and a table, covered in their favourite food and drink and fairylights strung up all around. And Vander, dressed nicely and looking uncharacteristicly nervous.

They sit down, eat and talk and eventually the sun has set and they're sitting in comfortable silence when Vander breaks it and asks them to stand up. Weeks of practising what to say go straight out the window and he stutters his way through a small speach before he gives up and pops the question, kneeling and holding up a small box.

Reader stares down at him in shock, completely silent- everything he just said processing in their head and as Vander goes to stand up- akwardly apologising- he gets tackled down by Reader, who happily says yes.

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NOW IMAGINE

Every year, at the same time, on the anniversary of his proposal. Reader puts on the same outfit, grabs their favourite alcohol sits in the same place they sat on that day. Mourning the life that could have been.

I hope you guys know, I looked into my drafts to posts this and i found this

I have no memory of writing this

Does anyone else ever think that Obi-Wan thought Ahsoka was killed during order 66?

The last time we know he saw her was before the Siege of Mandalore, when she went off to kill Maul. She was on a deadly planet with a Sith Lord, legions of Mandalorians, and a legion of clone troopers.

Year later, on Tatooine, during the Rebels series, Maul hunts down Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan would have seen this as Ahsoka failing to capture Maul, meaning that as far as he knows (in canon thus far) she was killed on Mandalore. Either defeated by Mando forces, killed by Maul, or shoot down by the clone troopers she had been raised alongside.

I write this in hopes you’d understand one day, I write this because I cannot speak my mind, I fail to express myself in the right way, I plan to say a million things but when I speak with you, somehow I seem to lose all sense. Even right now, I thought these words will flow out of me easily, but I struggle to string them together. I have always been good with words, I’ve always been able to express myself, at least enough through my writing, but now, I can’t even seem to get that right. For the sake of us both, I’ll try.

I seem to be dead even while alive, it is a little morbid to start it all this way considering how much life you’ve poured into me. Truth is, you surround me even in your absence. You’ve painted my walls in colours I didn’t realize I’d fall in love with, I walk meadows filled with flowers that were once a memory, I hear songs of a love so forbidden and I write eulogies for the lost souls of this world. What have you done to me? All the things that were once filled with love, now stands empty, a dying memory of all that used to be. It is an understatement when I say it hurts, because you used to be such a huge part of me, and then suddenly, we both lost each other and I’m still picking up all these pieces that were supposed to be mine, and I hope you’ve found yours. I didn’t mean for this to break, I didn’t want to make you cry. It’s the first thing I promised you when we met, that I’ll always find a way to make you smile. Now, I stand stranded with an empty promise of mine.

I am sorry, for all that we’ve lost, for all that could have been and for all that we’ll never have. I wanted to do right by you, so I moved away, I created this distance because you always knew what to say. And when you said those things, I knew I’d go running back to you, to where we drove each other mad in the name of love, only to break apart even more, even messier. I cannot predict the future, nor do I have ways of knowing how it will all end for us if we tried again, but right now, this seems to be the best solution for us both and if you blame me, I accept it. I know you never would, but even if a small part of you is mad with me for all of this, then understand that I assent it. I do not walk guilt free, I am not the only victim here, and you are allowed to hate and loathe and despise me. This was never going to be easy, and all this pain I’ve caused you, I wish I could take them away from you and turn it all into smiles.

I am writing this because our conversations never go the way I imagine them to be, I keep telling myself to be as friendly and nice, and easy-going and kind but every time you come close to me, I lose all sanity. I can’t stop thinking about the way your lips curl when you say my name, I can’t help but think about the thoughts that wander your mind endlessly, the things you do that makes you, you, makes me miss you more. I am sorry for being rash, for being uptight, for being unkind, for planting doubts in your mind and heart, for breaking my promise and for letting you go.

I hope you find all the love and happiness this world has to offer and when solitude seems to come easier than the rest, don’t blame yourself either, we thrive better when we’re alone. Don’t cage those words in your head, put them down on a piece of paper somewhere, you’d thank me one day. Give all those rom-coms and love stories a break, but if you don’t, because we have a favorite genre here, make sure you catch up on as much adventurous and thrilling movies, because you can’t survive this world with just love. You’re kind, sometimes too kind to a world that hasn’t been very kind to you. Remember, you’re your own person and no one gets to push you around, be humane but don’t lose yourself while being benevolent. Sometimes, things we do hurt people and the things people do, hurts us, but don’t overthink, don’t shy away or skip moments to avoid that pain, because pain, my friend, ‘pain demands to be felt’. And who better knows that sentiment, than us…

With love always,

Rose.

© Raina Rose.

You were the song I used to listen to on repeat, knew every beat by heart. I felt every high and low, every key and note, every word and tune and I could tell when you'd end and begin.

Soon, I started getting happy during certain parts, excited even. It was all so good that you'd make me smile just humming you to myself, you'd make me happy playing on repeat in my head.

You were the song I knew I loved, the moment I heard you, and you were the song I knew was close to heart, that I played it for that one special person I spoke to all day and night.

Then one day, he left, and I couldn't hear you the same anymore. I knew it was going to be bad so I stopped listening to you, because I didn't want to associate those feelings with you but that's exactly what happened...

You were always on my playlist and I didn't mind listening to you when you came on the radio every now and then by accident. The sweet memories would last for three and a half minutes before vanishing the same way they'd appeared.

And that's the thing, I wouldn't deliberately play you on my own, that would be too painful and knowing the feelings attached to you, I couldn't possibly punish myself in such a cruel way.

Soon, words that were once meant for happiness, turned sour and I didn't want to dissect the meaning of you other than what I'd already interpreted in my head before.

Now, I hear you once in awhile and maybe it doesn't hurt anymore but it still doesn't feel the same as it did before...

You're the song I once loved, was intoxicated with, knew by heart and you will be the song I'll never listen to again by choice...

I'll never choose you again...

© Raina Rose.

When you've gone through all sorts of alcohol you could possibly consume, when you've danced to every song on repeat a million times, when the walls start to close in on you, when you've kissed twenty different girls and still feel like shit, call me. Call me so I can bring you back home. My love, every journey has an end and even if you've set course for the wrong ones, come back home. Here, we love, we forgive, we fight and maybe drive each other crazy, but here, there'll always be love. I'll always love you despite everything you've done, despite every reason you've given me to fall out of love with you, to hate you. Come back home, it's been far too long. Come back home because my heart breaks a little everytime I see you with someone new. It breaks because you're looking for a remedy you already have. Just come back home, and we'll make this right again...

© Raina Rose.

It is true; the day he fells completely in love with you is the day you won't feel a damn thing for him. Why does it have to be this way? I trace the length of your skin and I used to know my way around you, this was a familiar route, but now, I get lost even when I'm home. I try and listen for the sound of your voice, your laughter, but all I do is tune out and lose you eventually. I knew your fragrance by heart, but I swear, it's fading everytime I think I know exactly what it is. I tried and tried and drank and drowned in bottles of bourbon hoping to taste you again. Cigarette buds everywhere, ashes carried by the breeze, landing over spaces once we used to live. Just the way our melody got lost in this rhythm of wind and time, even if I tried again, you'll never be mine...

© Raina Rose.

I've ran from you for the longest time, rerouting, changing every course of action, planning, doing and undoing myself a million times in hopes I'd never have to see you again. But after 4 years, there you were, resting amidst the peaceful scenery, shadowing over me, taller than ever, my worst fear came alive again, right before my very own eyes, as we drove past you that night. They don't understand the fear I hold within myself everytime we meet, it has only ended in destruction. Your aisles and walkways were lit dimly as the evening sun set in, all the colours eventually blending into one, yet with all the breathtaking beauty, no one will ever know your darkest corners the way I do. I dwelled in them for the longest time, letting myself suffer without knowing your intentions. I was ruined. A thousand reasons and excuses but I'll always know it was me, it was my mistakes and wrongdoings that led me down the black hole. Amongst my walls and shelves filled with pride and beauty, you and I put together, will always be my greatest disappointment, simply heartbreaking. Wounds and scars I thought were healed, now bleeds through the night, getting rattled by your memories. Morphine, codeine, prescript me something I should intoxicate myself with to forget you, because no matter what I do, all these pain and endless thoughts are fighting the last of me. With every avenue shut, and nowhere else to run, I hope and pray, may I never seek refuge in you again...

© Raina Rose.

I marvel at the mess our life is now. We used to be perfect even when we didn’t have enough, even when we didn’t have anything. We were a family and that’s all that mattered. Now, we have pushed the pictures off the walls, we are breaking down the pillars, walking over shattered glass, bleeding and staining everything we touch. We are drifting apart all while staying together. We wish we weren’t a family, we don’t think we are. It is miserable being tied to people you don’t quite love anymore. We don’t see eye to eye anymore, we can’t talk without raising our voices, we don’t listen to our hearts trying to speak above our voices and everything we once cherished together, is now broken and empty. Our rooms are always kept shut and we reside, locked away from each other, by heart and at home. I tried, so hard. I rearranged the pictures, painted flowers over the cracking walls and pillars. I am holding onto every single one of you despite being pulled in different directions but it’s all shattering now. I wonder, if it is perhaps time, to finally let go...

© Raina Rose.

How I wish we didn’t part ways. You remain completely intact in my memories and sometimes I wish I could forget you, because it is impossible to think of you without feeling all the pain that came along with the love I once felt for you, and perhaps still do. All it took was one night, a mere six hours and I knew I’d never be the same again but I lost you as soon as I found you. It’s like feeling beautiful and complete one moment and then completely broken and lost the next. How I wish we didn’t part ways because now every time I think of you, I cry without feeling sad, I wince in a pain I do not feel and there is this emptiness in me and I feel so numb, engulfed in the darkness. Your name on my lips feels wrong, your messages don't make me smile like they used to before, your gifts seem like they were sent to me by mistake and everything keeps trying to undo itself while still being a part of me. Like they want to be set free, as though we don’t belong together anymore. Now, it feels like I have to let go even when I don’t completely want to. I fell in love and there wasn't an alternative, you walked away and I didn’t have a say, now all that’s left with me wants to quit and I won’t be holding them back either...

© Raina Rose.

I feel sad sometimes, for no apparent reason and when people ask me why I'm sad, I get angry. Not because they frustrate me but because I don't have an answer. I don't know why I get sad, why my heart starts longing for things I no longer have, why I constantly want things that may not want me, why I wished I could go back in time to a specific moment... Then, there's always this thought that by altering one moment in the past, you could possibly change the entirety of the future. And what if that future turned into something far worse than all that I've been through, what if it brings more pain and sadness than everything I have already been wounded by? What if it resumes from where I've undone, then I'd have to painstakingly go through every moment and try to be better than before but I might just make it all worse. What if I try to undo one by pushing another force into momentum that takes refuge in my life, one I most likely may not endure? So I sit there sadly, sometimes angry, but silently, contemplating all that could have been, all that would be and all that I'll never be able to undo but just live with. I'm sad and sometimes I cannot explain it...

© Raina Rose.

I read somewhere that, "through pretence you can make people stay, but you can't keep them", and ever since I can't help but wonder if every bit of me has been a lie to him... Yes, I love books, and stories and songs that says a million things inbetween, I love that the discussions never needed a topic, I love talking about philosophy and spirituality because he understands more about it than I do. But that's just it, I've been talking and keeping his attention because I don't want him to leave. Because if he left, then I'd have nothing left to hold onto. Because I'm afraid that there will be a hole in my heart where he used to reside.

I can appreciate the art darling, but it was more for you and about you than myself or anywhere between the lines of us. I love fiction and fairytales, I love stories that give me a break from reality, where for a short while I can be someone else and feel a million things without being apologetic about it all the time. I love songs that mean something than the ones that say too much just to fill the run time. I love movies that are romantic, I love stargazing, I love the mornings just a little before dawn where the whole world lays silently waiting for the Sun to rise to name a brand new day, in those moments, I feel life for everything that it is. But, whenever I am with you since the thought, I can't help but believe a little that somewhere inbetween I must have lied or been something else, for you've stayed this long and you never, truly stay. So I have to let you go because I can't keep up this pretence and feeling of uneasiness that I'm playing you a tune I never quite liked myself...

© Raina Rose.

I packed my bags and got ready to leave. Took a last glimpse and kissed him on his lips. This was goodbye. I picked up my bags and started walking, wait, my hands trembled and I couldn't move. Suddenly, the brave decision I made last night crumbled to pieces as he tossed over in bed and reached out searching for me in thin air. There there love, I'm right here, where I've been, where I'll always be, right by your side even when it's killing me...

© Raina Rose.

You're the song I wish to fall asleep to every night. You're the song I listen to on repeat and never tire of. You're the song that keeps me company even when I'm crowded by a thousand. You're the kind of song that makes my heart flutter. You're the song I know every lyric to by heart. You're the song that gets me excited just by having the music come on through a melody. You're the song that makes me smile even when I can't. You're the song that makes me fall in love all over again. You're the song I'll dance to dressed in white with the one I've loved, for I've loved you...

© Raina Rose.

I've missed plenty, but never this way, it feels like a part of me left and has yet to return. I can't help but feel incomplete whenever I'm not with you.

Come home love,

R.

Dear stranger,

This was what I was afraid of. Like waves that kiss the shore every now and then, though memorable, they can’t stay. After every touch, they have to retreat back into the ocean. We never quite understand if the shore was too much for the waves or if the waves lost breath upon shore. Momentary conversations and all the seashells you left for me have decorated my night sky and are some of my most treasured memories. Relatable experiences and sincere visits made me want to step back into the waters again after a long time. You made me feel that maybe the waters weren’t as scary as they’ve been described to be, and they weren’t as cold as what they may seem. Though blue and deep, it was heartfelt. Blue, the color of calmness, trust, faith, and wisdom. Your depth made me wonder what secrets you held, every visit only made me more curious than the one before. With the reflection of the sky, endless possibilities and journeys, you had me breathless. 

I wish I knew it was the glistening reflection of Sun that blinded me but I wasn’t too sure, so I ventured. You held me firmly, no doubt, but I couldn’t help falling for you. It was your love, none like the ones before that had me stunned, it was your sincerity that made me understand you cared, it was your words that had me floored. But I’m not new to giving into attachments easily, I am a sucker for love. I prepared for the fall that would approach me one day. I braced myself as you took control. I was afraid you’d let go someday, then I’d have to fall back into the chain of unending torment, self-pity and sleepless nights all over again. I’d walked away from all that hurt for the longest time and I can’t believe after everything I’ve been through, I ended up here again. I’ve been holding myself back for the longest time and I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved like that, where I wasn’t wearing a mask and wasn’t lying about myself, where someone loved me for all that I was and saw everything in me for me, as me. 

But that’s the thing with our story, while you glimmered all day, darkness and tranquility sets in as the Sun left your side. Every dusk only reminded me of all the times someone let go of my hands after venturing far into the sea. All that love and kindness did put up a fight with the walls I’ve built around my heart, but I’m glad I didn’t back down, this wasn’t a war to win, but to choose between myself and my own downfall. Though you mean no harm, it is me that I fear most. Journey to the downward spiral never did end well, having known my own demons and torments, I wouldn’t risk slipping again. As much as your darkness scares me, it is my demons that I’m more afraid of. They live inside of me, they linger, waiting for the right moment to pounce, to gain control and to never let go. They used to drive me mad, reminding me of all my attempts at happiness, all my failures, all my sins, and mistakes. Perhaps it is their faces that I see in your reflection these days.  

I hope you can forgive me one day for not returning, for moving further away, for never again being the same. Those conversations we’ve had by the shoreline will always be my favorite, for my love, those were the days I truly let myself fall without realizing. And there’s always a high in falling, but when you fall, it’s inevitable that you crash. It’s a shame it had to come to an end, the way it always does.

© Raina Rose.

WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME ABOUT THE EPIC the Musical CONCEPT ALBUM.

IT F***ING SLAPS

meirl

To y'all following me..

I’m just wondering, are you here for the art or the content ? (Or both?)

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