Hard To Love - Blog Posts

december 15, 2024 — she-doom

TW: implications of self deletion and dubcon/$@ near the end

she's a gift from god, she's gifted with a future

she loves science and doesn't understand how to feel heard

she'll love without reason and betray her own slaughter

and she'll always hate being compared to her own father

but time will always tell, it's a curse of mankind

to make the same mistakes and watch it rewind

but she's a woman so maybe life will spare mercy

she doesn't yet know adam is His favorite progeny

and if you ever forget why you had her

she'll cry herself to sleep at night and harbor the same laughter

cause she's the one who bears your burdens and seeks your contentment

and she's born of your love and grown on your resentment

no matter what she does, shes trapped

inescapable are your hands that attacked

growing old to find comfort in men that touch

in states of her mind she refutes to such

she'll end up like you, scared and alone

gleaming knife in skin and bone

or maybe a rope and chair to a ceiling of stone

and she'll always miss the warmth of home

— reddestofscarves, 8:32 pm

i wish to kiss you

in places the sunlight from the window doesn't reach

at the wrong moment to breach

on the dented mattress and pillow

in the heart you will never let me know.

- reddestofscarves, 10:23pm on febuary 8, 2024

febuary 3, 2024 — night time is a past-time

darling, the moon and stars know your name

every night i sing about it with shame

and every sonnet i write is the same

will you ever forgive me again?

in the dark of night, these terrors lie

creepies that crawl and bats that fly

something i can't face, in the clouds i'm still high

'cause my greatest fear is saying goodbye

but i used to bike in this neighbourhood of mine

lately all that's passed the streets is time

so it goes and the churchbells chime

i'll have to accept i'm out your light of lime

moon's not out tonight, maybe i'll be fine

maybe this time i won't dream you're mine

moon's not out tonight, maybe i'll be fine

maybe this time i won't dream you're mine

- reddestofscarves, 10:07pm

did jesus, in his mortal body and all-knowingness, ever feel crucified by his own followers' dedication?

how was i supposed to know that to love beyond bounds doesn't guarantee reciprocation?

how deserving was i to be faced with the decision of drowning in my deep-seeded altruism or in my unconditional adoration?

- reddestofscarves, 12:36am on january 27, 2024

and even if i was a cloud

made of condensed water and humid vapor

i would've loved to fade away

by your warm amber rays and lightyear burns

if it meant i'd be the only thing you'd ever touch.

-reddestofscarves, 5:35pm on december 23, 2023

december 23, 2023 — holy

it was easier to believe

in tales of adam and eve

even though i could never find

the god they said was so kind

i'd grown used to it all

the gentle hoax the church befalled

a blind-faith religion or a cult of sacrifice

either way, it served only to pacify

so when you spoke the illicit truth

that you loved me despite my being a sleuth

you forgave the sins that were not mine to repent

and every dime, for you i'd spent

you showed me the truth of love

and it felt holier than any angel from above

— reddestofscarves, 1:35am

I’ve always felt that I was hard to love. From the fatigue in my mother’s voice telling me she can’t hold me anymore when I was a child, to most of my friends never really enjoying listening to me just talk the way they do when our other friends talk, I’ve always felt that to love me, it took great effort. And yet I don’t believe it. My friends have told me that loving me comes naturally and I know that my mother finds solace in my advice. I know that my nature radiates joy, and I know I act with integrity. People around me have told me. So, tell me, why is it that in practice it’s all so hard? Why is it that in practice, these same friends who tell me that I’m worth so much drain out my words through their ears? Why is it that doing things that bring me joy is a chore for the same people who claim that I deserve only the best? Why is it that I tell these same people that I think someone may be interested in me I’m only met with criticism and ‘Oh, you’re so delusional!’ While supporting our other friends? What is it about me that makes me unworthy of that same love? Why do I not deserve it? And why is it that as soon as I think I am about to be loved the way I wish to be so badly they change up and then the demon emerges once again to hold me firmly by the throat and looks me dead in the eyes to remind me, ‘how could you possibly think that?’