Where Every Scroll is a New Adventure
Growing Up - Blog Posts
Breaking Waves
See the water receding back into the endless abyss
Feel the pull as it gathers strengths in the thousands
Tiny waves coalescing into one
Before it breaks upon the immovable cliff face
Nothing less will make a difference
But something as grand is only mutable
Until the edges are worn by the relentlessness
As the mineral is shaved away by the layers
To not be seen and understood
Until the final blow is dealt
The consequence becomes too shocking
For the cliff rooted in its position
More than a chip off the shoulder
A gaping hole of what once was
The water surrounding the broken piece
Consuming whole the bitterness of old
There is a time for traditions
But there is also time for change
To not allow the growth of all things
Is to let them be enraged
- pyxisjaded
Epiphany
How fast the wind blows
Past the trees a time ago
When we saw our dreams so true
But now we have had to go
The kaleidoscope that once shone through
Our very souls and eyes
With time flown by our every steps
This life has bid goodbye
For the road we travelled on
Fell away beneath our feet
It had been paved for many years
The gravel, now ash of bittersweet
Now it is clearly understood
Our fate was not to cross
For now our selves are shattered
Seems everything is gone
Maybe it was for the best
Separate roots to break through
For divided, I can confess
The worst of me is subdued
You were my blanket
Something I already knew
But the world out there is different
Needing a resilient me to debut
- pyxisjaded
Gratitude
Despite being lost in translation,
Being pulled apart by an ocean,
Knowing my limitations
I wanted to let you know.
From my first journey walking,
A world where everything was foreign,
Always there for me to fall back,
You guided me by the hand.
Early mornings and cold awakenings,
The winds at my back,
You laughed to shield me from the cold.
Early mornings and early prayings,
I ran to burst,
Your patience was my solace to hold.
Now years have passed,
We're no longer together,
I've grown apart,
But I'll always remember.
You brought me to today,
These steps I take are yours,
These feats I own and life I live,
You brought me to today.
I am made from you,
So with everything I have
MAKASIH.
Aku akan selalu sayang kamu.
-pyxisjaded
20s is about being everything
I have never been a person who had any big plans for my 20s. Honestly, my plans have always been about life in general, like I should ultimately become this, I should have someone who loves me and I should travel a lot but no goal like I should achieve this particular thing in my 20s. Although now when I am really in this stage of my life I have realised how much I have to do and how much I am doing. It's really a life changing phase, you are no more a kid and you are not even a responsible adult. Your time to make 'n' number of mistakes is over but yet you are clueless about the best decisions for yourself in more than 99% of occasions. You have people to support you but you don't have people to walk with you on difficult paths.
I am in my 20s unaware of what is right and what is wrong. Adulting at my own pace usually seems slower than others. Deep down I know I am growing, I appreciate how far I have come but on the other end it doesn't seem enough. I have learnt a lot, I am different from what I was in school. I am stronger but yet more fragile than before. I am confident yet afraid of others' perception about me as a whole. I am surrounded by people yet alone for long. I want to be loved romantically yet I am afraid of commitment. It's complicated but still clear. Maybe 20s is about being everything, being a super hero and a weakling together. It's about feeling everything so that ultimately you know what you want to be. It's about living different lives with single soul. It's about experimenting everything so that in your 30s you know which experiment had the most successful results.
It doesn't need any planning, it's just about living in the moment, going on a road trip without a map but with hope of reaching the destination. It can be a successful and joyful ride, it can be a painful and rough ride but in the end where ever you reach will be far away from where you started and would be indeed more lovelier than what you plan.
Sitting alone
Sitting alone I always miss the time I didn't need company
The time when I felt secure even when no one offered security
The time when without taking the effort to make friends I had a lot of them
I miss the comfort I got in my mother's arms
The time when she was just a room away and not, a call away
I miss the childhood mistakes
The time when irrespective of the kind of my mistake I was always forgiven
I miss when love was always around
The time when I didn't have to find someone who loves me
I miss when adulting seemed fun
The time when I didn't realize that independence can be a burden too
I miss when fulfilling our dreams was the biggest dream
The time when I didn't know how difficult it is in reality
I miss and I miss
But the most i miss is when i didn't have to sit alone
The time when even being alone i knew that I am not alone
Was just thinking about this today. I was a lonely teen but now in my early twenties I have a bunch of good friends who check on me when I go reclusive. I can never get used to it, they love me no matter how hard I might try to push them away. They want o be there for me when I am going through things. Its always difficult for me to comprehend that they are all here because of their own choice and not bound by any duty or obligation. And that will always be difficult for me to wrap my head around......
when you grew up as a lonely uncool girl it will never stop haunting you by the way. you will meet a cool person at a bar or the train station or at a friend's party and you can wear your most stylish outfit and striking eye makeup and you will swear that they can see through all of the facade and see the lonely terribly insecure teenage girl you used to be who desperately wanted to connect and you will swear that they know that there is like an insurmountable gap between you. this will happen forever
“When you're young, you think the world will make room for who you are and what you want.... And then you find the world of adults is even more limiting than the world of children. With no room for adventure, much less yer own thoughts.”
~ Liz braswell, Straight on Till Morning
Making a robot voice with the fan you're using to cool your underboob.
Because physical maturation doesn't have to mean killing your inner-kid.
My parents did that with me, and I turned out fi- oh. Oh yeah.
why do i want to grow up?
well, i’m glad you asked!
firstly, antidepressants aren’t recommended to <18s and it’d be incredibly hard to be prescribed any medicine
secondly, the ability to do whatever i want. choose my profession, even if it’s a decision between a shitty job and a shittier job.
thirdly, to come out, i can’t now because-
-fourthly, everyone at school is homophobic. i’d feel more safely gay outside of school.
fifth, i feel chronologically like i am too young to have a proper relationship, and everyone my age is bad anyway. i want a relationship though, probably just cause i want to be someone’s first choice though lmao
sixth, i feel stuck, if that makes sense? i don’t enjoy childhood and want to be in my twenties so i can do stuff, especially without fear of being bullied lmao. i want control over what i do, like i mentioned before.
seventh, social anxiety probably gets better after puberty.
eighth, people will be better after puberty.
ninth, i want to do something with my life. something worthwhile. probably an activist for native people lmao (irish, indigenous, aboriginals etc)
tenth, inconsistency. i want a change in routine.
yes i am aware i will have many more responsibilities, but childhood is not fun for me at ALL
Sometimes I look back at my memories and think "Yeah no, my childhood wasn't that much it was pretty normal."
Cue someone asking me what it was like and the complete dread that passes through me as my brain intentionally tries to sift through the river for normal memories because you don't share some messed up shit with most strangers unless ya' want to and everytime it comes up really blurred or practically nonexistent. And that makes me realize that yeah, my childhood wasn't actually normal. Does someone with a normal childhood need to search every nook and cranny of their memories for a single memory that they can comfortably share with someone and come up short each time? Probably not.
Alone I can convince myself of having a normal enough childhood but that's because my brain accepts a single moment out of hundreds that was relatively normal enough to count and then immediately takes it as a "Yeah that works, it was a good childhood."
Hell my brain can barely remember most of my childhood not because of a lack of memory but because it just won't show up. I search and search and it's all a blurry mass of "Yeah I was alive at that point." But like, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for what I did when I was alive. But yeah, brains are flippin' weird.
I'd be an agent or work in security. Makes me wonder if I'd just place an O at the front of my name like O'y/n.
my career aspiration is joining odd squad
It's My Birthday!!
I'm so grateful for everyone in my life, physically and digitally. It's been a difficult year for me, but I am grateful for all the blessings I have recieved.
Without further ado,
Daphne's Quinceañera
(I do not celebrate quinceañeras in my culture, although I have been to a few, and apologize if I got anything wrong, not my intention at all)
It was finally here. The day where Daphne transitioned from a child to a woman and Daphne had dreamt of it her entire life… It was less than a week away but all Daphne could feel was dread. The party was perfectly set up, the food was gorgeous and made by Gourmand, a renowned chef, and her dress was breathtaking, handmade by her mother after months of work and research. Everybody felt ready to leave Daphne’s childhood behind. Everybody except for Daphne. She loves her independence, but ever since her relationship with Micheal, a popular boy at her school, ended she was feeling empty and worried that she would be alone forever. She pushed those feelings down and waltzed into her showroom, being meticulously organized and set up for the party of the century. Daphne inspected and approved the decorations, before leaving to call her father. Right when Daphne was about to hang up, Henry answered the phone, sounding out of breath. “Oh hey Daphne,” he panted, “what’s up?” He had been going on a run on his treadmill, his most recent escapade to stay young forever. Daphne reminded him of her birthday to make sure that he wouldn’t miss his flight and chatted with him about her life in school, growing more exhausted and insecure by the second. “Daphne, you’re smarter than this, I know you are. Why can’t you be more like Allison was in school?” Henry questioned after hearing about her most recent Biology quiz. Daphne simply sighed, knowing that Allison could do no harm in her husband’s eyes, and quickly changed the subject. After a few more minutes, Daphne said goodbye to her father and started working on some of her birthday Instagram posts.
Meanwhile, Donita was trying to keep it together, for Daphne’s sake. She wasn’t ready to see her daughter, her baby, become a woman. She could still remember her playing with her barbies, babbling on and on about something or another; now she was talking about relationships and future careers. Donita just wasn’t ready. She knew this day was coming, she just didn’t realize it would come so quickly. Daphne, on the other hand, seemed completely confident and ready to be a woman and make her own decisions. Donita wanted her to be able to have the space to do that, but worried Daphne would make the same mistakes that she did, leading to unnecessary pain and heartbreak. Speaking of Henry, Donita was finally going to see the famed new wife, Allison. The woman who caused Henry to ask for a divorce and caused the downfall of her daughter’s relationship with Henry. She wasn’t sure how she would manage to sit next to her ex and the new wife for an entire day, but for Daphne, she would manage.
Mere hours before the ceremony, Daphne and Donita were about to hit a breaking point. Daphne quietly uttered to her mother, “I don't know if I can do this mom. I don’t want to be an adult yet,” which just about shattered Donita’s heart. Turning to her daughter, Donita had a nice talk with her daughter about all the mistakes she made and who she was at fifteen. It seemed like a lifetime ago, all those crisp autumn days in Greece, with Donita dreaming of leaving to see her life truly start. They both realized that just because Daphne was going to be a woman officially in a few hours, she didn’t have to give up her childhood.
Daphne’s 15th birthday party was one for the books. Her whole night went almost as well as it could have, with only minor incidents occurring between the guests, notably her parents. Donita didn’t end up meeting Allison after all, taking more and more obvious ways to avoid her. Daphne’s dress was as show stopping as she had always hoped, and everyone seemed happy for her. All the gifts she got from her family were so thoughtful and pretty and she was so grateful to have such a wonderful group of friends and family members who really loved her. Growing up was hard, but Daphne Donata knew she could do it.
28 Aprile Vs 9 Maggio
