Chronic Migraine - Blog Posts

Time Bomb | Criminal minds x fem!reader

Summary; Y/N’s mind is overworked and tired from case after case after case and the team begins to notice, prodding her until it gets too much. 

Parings; BAU team x BAU!reader, no romantic relationships mentioned. (she/her pronouns) 

Warnings; angst, mentions of chronic headaches/migraines, swearing, physical and emotional pain

Words; 1.7k

No one is permitted to steal, copy, or reblog my work as their own!!

Gif is not mine. @book-place​ 

It wasn’t unusual for Y/N to have a migraine, let alone a simple headache. She was diagnosed with atypical migraines when she was 15 and has been dealing with them since. But joining the  BAU 6 months ago really seemed to ramp things up for her. Since the day she left for that first case, the severity of her headaches increased, impacting her working abilities.  

She knew it wasn’t going to be an easy job, the commitments alone were tough but what was worse was trying to leave every painful detail of a case behind and move onto the next one, especially so quickly. She felt like she was doing work 24/7, whether she was on a plane flying across the country, stuck at her desk filing reports or thinking about cases when she got home. Everyone else on the team had been there for much longer than her so they had it down packed. But Y/N was still struggling, not that she would let anyone else figure that out. 

She became quite good at compartmentalising, hiding her emotions from her colleagues, family and friends. But all of this stress, tension and hurt came through in her migraines. Having suffered in pain for almost 10 years already, she was good at moving through the pain, pushing it aside, but lately it began bothering her more than ever, and the team began to notice. 

Derek was the first to pick up on her change in mood when she didn’t acknowledge his daily “Good Morning Firecracker”. Instead of her normal response, she flipped him the bird and kept walking to her desk in silence. He was quite insulted at her actions but took it as a bad morning. The other surrounding team members took note of this unusual behaviour from Y/N, all beginning to watch her closely. 

Reid noticed her mental distance during a case when it repeatedly took her 8 seconds longer than usual to answer a question or hear her name being called.

It was then Emily who tried to comfort her, but was brushed aside and ignored by Y/N. It happened yesterday, the team were in the office, working on files from the previous case and Emily noticed the younger team member had been silent all day. She watched with concern from her desk as Y/N held her head in her hands, rubbed her temples and took painkillers every few hours. As the day ended Emily approached Y/N, tapping her on the shoulder lightly to get her to raise her head off the desk. 

“What?” Y/N turned to Emily with tired eyes and an exhausted expression. 

“Sorry, I just wanted to check that you were okay? You’ve been quiet all day.” Emily removed her hand from Y/N’s shoulder. 

“I’m fine, Prentiss.” Y/N used Emily’s last name for the first time in months and it shocked everyone in the room. Y/N gathered her stuff and quickly left towards the elevators, brushing Emily’s shoulder on the way out. The whole team, including Rossi and Hotch who’d left their offices, stood in shock at the agent's actions. Something was definitely wrong. 

                                                    ~~~~~~

This morning Y/N slept in for the first time in weeks, and not on purpose. She had slept through three alarms and would officially be late for work, but it didn’t bother her. The pain pounding through her head was insufferable. It felt as if her skull was squishing her brain, waiting for it to explode. So she took her time getting ready, pausing every few minutes to sit and attempt to not pass out or throw up. Could she have just opted to take the day off? Yes. But she was too stubborn for that. 

She eventually made it to work, slowly making her way through the glass doors, now almost an hour late according to her watch. But when she finally looked up from the floor, no one was at their desks, or in the kitchen, or milling around the bullpen. It was silent. As much as she admired the peace and quiet, it was bugging her, where the hell was everyone else. Curiously she made her way up the stairs, peeking into Hotch and Rossi’s empty offices, then towards the conference room that suspiciously had the door closed and shades drawn.

She opened the door slowly, expecting to also find no one, but was wrong. The whole team was sitting at and standing around the table, previously talking lowly amongst themselves. 

“What the hell is going on? Why are you all in the fucking dark in silence? It’s weird.” Y/N’s voice caught the attention of her friends and boss, everyone staring at her with shock or concern plastered on their faces. 

“Come sit down Y/N.” Hotch finally spoke up, his hands crossed at his chest nodding his head to the empty chair in the centre of the table. 

“Fine.” Y/N snickered, moving slowly towards the chair. “What is this? An intervention?” Y/N laughed as she sat down in the chair, sliding down into a comfortable position. The room stayed silent. “Will someone please fucking say something!” She waved her hands in the air and looked to Emily, then Spencer then Derek. 

“Y/N.” Derek sighed, moving away from the window where he was previously leaning, catching the attention of Y/N. “We’ve all noticed some changes in your behaviour recently and we just wanted to see what was going on.” 

“Yeah.” Emily’s voice perked up from beside Y/N, moving to place her hand on top of the other agent’s. “We’re all worried for you, you haven’t been yourself. You get mad at the smallest of things, you’re constantly tired and falling asleep everywhere. Is there something you need to tell us? Are you-” Emily couldn’t even finish her sentence. 

Y/N shook her head in disbelief, they probably think I’m an alcoholic or drug user. Unbelievable. “Wow!” She laughed out, snatching her hand away from Emily’s. “Okay, so how about you guys take a guess at what’s wrong with me and I’ll tell you if you’re right.” Everyone’s jaw dropped at her outburst, not wanting to say anything to make it worse. “Hm. Go ahead. Or are you too scared?” Y/N stood up from her chair. 

“That’s enough Y/L/N.” Hotch sternly expressed to the agent, urging her to calm down. 

“No, Hotch. I’ve had enough! This is bullshit.” Y/N began walking towards the door behind her, only to be stopped by Derek. “Move.” She argued but he didn’t budge. “Stop it Derek, let me leave.” 

“No.” He uncrossed his arms, now softly holding her forearms. 

“Derek,” She was really frustrated now, tears began welling up in her eyes. “I swear to god.” She shook her head at him, her voice was breaking. The physical and emotional pain was getting too much. The pounding in her head  was so loud she thought her ear drums were going to burst. Derek saw her pain, swiftly moving to pull her into a tight hug, one that she didn’t reciprocate but also didn’t try to remove herself from. She broke down, for the first time in months she’d finally let go. She stood there, crying into Derek’s chest as he held her tight, protecting her, the room was quiet besides the sound of Y/N crying. 

This was the first time any of them had seen her cry in the 6 months of knowing her, not even after hard cases. They looked at each other, hearts breaking for their colleague and friend. After a moment she began to move and Derek’s grip on her loosened. She wiped her bare face and held her head down as she went to sit back down. “Talk to us honey.” JJ was now in the seat beside her, stroking her back lightly. 

She took a deep breath before she spoke again. “I have chronic migraines. I have since I was 15. And since working here, they’ve been worse than ever. Especially today.” She stopped, I sound so stupid, she thought to herself. Emily squeezed her shoulder encouraging her to keep going. Y/N sniffled, “I guess the heaviness of the cases, the workload, the stress has been getting to me a lot more recently. And don’t get me wrong, I love this job and you guys,” She lifted her head to look at her friends who were now all sitting or standing in front of her. “But sometimes it’s just too much and the emotional pain turns into physical which then turns into anger and a bad mood.” She looked back down at her hands, picking at her nails. 

“Well why didn’t you tell any of us you were struggling?” Rossi spoke kindly from across the table, meeting eyes with Y/N. 

Y/N’s mouth twists before speaking, trying to stop the tears. “I didn’t want to burden you. You guys have your own lives. And I’ve been dealing with it by myself for so long I thought I had it under control.” Her voice cracks at the end causing everyone’s hearts to shatter. How did they not see this earlier? They all thought to themselves. 

“Y/N, look at me.” Derek was now behind her, she looked up behind her shoulder. “You are not a burden. You are an incredible and important asset to this team and this family. That’s what we are.” He smiled down at her. 

“And that means that we’re always here for each other, good or bad.” Penelope’s sweet voice spoke next from further down the table. “Okay?” She asks when Y/N looks like she doesn’t believe her. 

She stayed silent for a while, thinking about their words. Slowly she began nodding her head, careful not to increase the pain. “Okay.” She smiled at her team. 

“How about you go sleep off the pain in my office for a bit?” Rossi offered, she almost rejected because she didn’t want to let them down but Rossi continued before she could open her mouth. “Just until we get a case, okay?” He hoped that would do the trick, and it did.

“Thank you.” She sniffled. “And I’m sorry for how rude I’ve been, it wasn’t intentional I promise.” She looked specifically at Emily and Derek who had received the brutal end of her outbursts. 

So now the team was fixed once again, now knowing how to help Y/N on her good and bad days.

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I feel like half my body needs to be soaked in ice while the other half covered in heating pads…just the issues of chronic pain ⋋_⋌

why is accessibility so inaccessible… someone explain how this is supposed to make sense

if invulnerable means i dont feel the affects of my chronic illnesses, then i would probably do something super cool and crazy.

id clean my house.

30 whole minutes a month of pain/fatigue free cleaning??? do you know what i could accomplish??? id be unstoppable. maybe id also do a cartwheel or smth for funsies

If you could become immortal and invulnerable for 30 minutes once every month (it has to be all at once, you can't chop the time into smaller segments and use minutes separately), what fuckery would you commit?

anyone who thinks health issues end with walking out of the hospital doors, massive reality check for ya. there is no clocking out of chronic illness or disability.

surgery does not cure everything, medication does not cure everything. hospital cannot cure everything.

the amount of people in my life who believe that when i go to hospital, i will be discharged cured or symptom free is astonishing to me.

most of these people have known me long enough to have seen me through multiple hospital admissions and every time they come back to this way of thinking even though its never happened.

one of the worst parts for me about chronic illness is not having answers.

im a very logical and analytical person i love things to make sense i love patterns and reasons.

i have answers for pats of my health, and im so grateful for that, but the parts that i dont have answers for haunt me.

i think about it all the time. what if its not real and thats why theres no answer? what if im not explaining my symptoms right and thats why i havent had the right test that would give me the right answer.

i know logically that its a waste of time to think about, but i cant help it, i obsess over it. not understanding the world is one thing, but not understanding my own body? my own life? thats what gets me.

notalgia is so strange because what do u mean i long for things that remind me of the worst times of my life?

ITCHING to do stuff. ANYTHING lemme cook or clean or write or sew or draw anything please im so bored

reminder that productivity doesnt equal worth because i am forgetting this at the moment

I MISS MY HOBBIES 😭😭😭😭😭

im on day 39 of a migraine, hospital have given up on me, makes it hard to not give up on myself.

THIS its so important to understand that while yes absolutely we need support and funding for sick kids - these same kids will likely still be sick as young adults and need support then too.

I feel like people forget that pediatric illnesses generally last into adulthood like…childhood cancer survivors often have medical complications for the rest of their (adult) lives. My juvenile arthritis will be around when I’m 75. Crohn’s disease, cystic fibrosis, congenital heart defects - all of these things, when acquired in childhood, have lifelong complications. Childhood diseases aren’t just cute, happy kids smiling from hospital beds. Theyre pain and suffering and learning to live differently forever.

really struggling with this atm.

ive lost all the strength i fought so hard for the past two years. it doesnt seem fair that it can all be taken away so fast.

im exhausted. trying is exhausting.

disabled consistency prt. 2 prt. 1 here (u dont need to read it to understand this post)

what happens to consistency, to habits, when you have a dynamic disability?

i want us to understand the differences between having a consistent body and having an ever changing one. sometimes you could be so healthy you are working/studying, exercising a few times a week, socialising, and independently caring for yourself. but other times.. you’re bedbound? can’t even shower and brush your teeth twice a day? can’t keep up with texting your friends or social media? what habit is surviving that.

you work so hard to build habits and follow routines you and your doctors have set, and then you achieve it, but then it all gets taken away in a flare-up. you wonder what the point is. its a constant vicious cycle. even abled people know its hard to build habits. it takes time. and you might not have that time.

for abled people, theres no time limit on building a habit. they might have a goal in mind of when they want to achieve it, but theres no actual clock ticking in the background.

for me, and for other dynamically disabled people, we are on a time crunch. you may not be aware of it, but you are. it’s always a race to get things done while you can, build those habits and routines and get consistent and get your life together while you can. because even if you’re not thinking it, you are living on a countdown until your next flare-up. until the next crash, the next time you lose all your progress.

and that cycle, is exhausting. it’s like building a sandcastle right on the shore. you build it and you get to revel in it for a second. then it’s gone. there may be a little bump in the sand where your hard work had just stood, but essentially, you are starting from scratch. while the abled people are up the beach a few metres and their sand is perfectly wet and perfectly dry and the waves never reach it.

then those same people, tell you to just keep building. “eventually you’ll get there!” “keep trying!” “habits take time!” they say. but how? there will always be another wave.

understanding this difference in experience is so important if you want to understand why you can’t just tell a disabled person to form habits or be consistent and expect results.

i really cannot understand how people see disabled life as this glamorised lazy life. i genuinely cannot wrap my head around this.

how could ANY of what i go through be seen that way i just dont get it.

guys what wards do young people go to, im always the only young adult in my wards, im clearly missing out on the cool areas 😔😔

oh my god i had no idea these were a thing maybe i could bake again 😭😭😭

If you're ambulatory and struggle standing to cook, consider a "perching stool" for the kitchen. They're made to make cooking safer and easier for disabled people and there's a lot of different kinds. I wish I had known about these when I could still stand.

i am constantly worried that my unpredictable health will lose me all my friends. you might say thats irrational, but it has already happened to me twice.

i have been called flakey, unreliable, a downer and probably more i havent heard. and i cant help but wonder, if the world around me was accessible, would i be any of those things?

the lengths i go to for relationships never feels flaky or unreliable to me. but maybe to other people it doesnt matter why i cant show up sometimes. maybe all that matters to them is a yes or no are they here with no context.

try be accessible and lenient with your disabled friends please..

ah yes the fun of will i surprise the doctor with a personal relief method they havent heard of yet 😇

kinda proving my own point by posting about consistency and then getting really sick and going to hospital jfhdkd

“consistency is key” doesn’t apply to many disabled people.

going to the doctor and having them tell me that and that i need to stick to a schedule they have deemed appropriate is completely comedic.

what about the fact that my health and ability to do anything is a constant gamble? it can change drastically and almost instantly at any given time.

what about how right now i can stand up and make myself breakfast, but by lunch time? who knows. i may be unable to even sit up.

how do u listen to me explain that i dont have a daily or weekly schedule because of how unpredictable my health is, and reply by giving me a schedule.

do you not think i have tried to stick to a routine and schedule like all the healthy people around me??

all i see is people with consistency. i grew up thinking i was broken because i couldnt. i have pushed myself to breaking points trying to fit your mould of success and health.

im sorry if you experience this too. im going to make another post about what consistency can look like for me and other disabled people. because while we dont fit the classic definition of it, there are ways we can make our own version. i wish doctors would listen to me and would help me find my version instead of insisting on theirs, but they havent, so i wanna try help others find theirs.

so i spent a day admitted, the went home after having some relief. then it all came back full force 12 hours later so im back in emergency. lol

on day 5 of a migraine get me out of here

im being referred to multiple new specialists and being put on multiple new medications im so exhausted and im sick of not getting any answers and only short term relief

gave up on home care and went to hospital on day 15 😭

on day 5 of a migraine get me out of here

i have so much art i need to get out of my brain its all stuck in there while i cant do any 😭😭😭😭😭

on day 5 of a migraine get me out of here

how to get a brain that doesn't hurt no glue no borax

Migraine in the middle of the night boiiiisss. Took my meds and I still hurt and am nauseous and brain no work. Someone put me out of my misery 🙃🙃🙃 might put myself out of my misery 🙃🙃 lmao

Yes! If you have them often enough!

are chronic migraines considered a disability 👎