Changes - Blog Posts

I used to (and still do sometimes) think like this. So I started taking the initiative to say /anything/ and if the conversation continues, I take it as they were thinking the same thing and I broke them out of their shell. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm an introvert, so I don't always have the energy to do this... But since I've started it, I've met a lot of interesting people and heard a lot of interesting stories. Not to mention the old friends I've stated talking to again. It's been great and it's a real confidence boost. The more I do it, the easier it gets. :) Try it sometime ~

i always think “if people want to talk to me they will” which is my reasoning for never really starting conversations so i’m permanently thinking no one wants to talk but what if they’re sat there thinking the same and it’s just this cycle of silence that never gets broken because i’m too stubborn to just put myself out there 

i think i've decided to change my blog into a writing-centred blog,,, will be making major changes around my profile and deleting a lot of my posts :')

i will only keep the drawings that are related to what i want to do, i suppose, and that probably includes fandoms that im not really active in anymore.

Welcome to the machine.

Hello, I moved! I've been using this time to settle in and rest lots 🙂 I'm learning that big changes leave me extremely anxious, but I try to remind myself that, as uncertain things are, brighter and happier memories can/will be made soon. I hope you all are doing okay in the meantime.

REFORMATION

Holding on tightly to mamma's finger,

Our first fear was getting lost in the crowd

Then we grew up,

Held many other hands and let go of some

Slowly we saw our fear change

From getting lost to feeling lost amidst a crowd.

As a kid, we woke up in the middle of the night,

And then didn't go back to sleep

Thinking there might be demons under our bed

But as an adult,

it's harder to get any sleep

Because demons moved from under our beds to inside our heads.

(18.11.20)

.99¢ green bell pepper quickly becoming a $1.29 yellow bell pepper. I love it when that happens.

Cloudy evening @somewhere on the highway #pullover #and #click #cloudy #cloudsky #shades #of #nature #tricolor #sunset #raysoflight #dusktilldawn #eveningsky #roadtripping #roadtrip #2016 #hyderabad #to #chennai #cloudscape #natureporn #natureperfection #everyday #changes #shadesofblue #explore #andhrapradesh (at Ongole)

I feel like the sun is setting on my life

We had dreams that were worth dying for

Why I Can’t Bring Myself to Tell My Friends I Love Them

I used to tell my friends that I loved them all the time. If I saw them doing something I thought was cute, or if they made an awesome joke, or if they tried their hardest on something, or when I would get the occasional rush of gratitude for them, I would tell them. Love was meant to be expressed when they were still there to receive it, and love was meant for everyone. I wanted everyone to know that love was meant to be given liberally.

Back when my ex best friend cared about me, she was so supportive. She would tell me that there was good in the world and there were things to be living for, and she would always be so happy and in love with life. She was a small person, with a round face and the warmest hugs, and she would tell me that I was worth it. That I was worth loving, that I was amazing, that I made her life better. My second new best friend does that too. She does all of that. They’re different people, but in terms of what they provide me they’re nearly the same, and in terms of appearance, they look similar. And that scares me because there’s a reason my ex best friend is no longer my friend, and to see the same feelings start for someone similar is terrifying.

When I finally acknowledged my first best friend after moving on from the last one, I noticed she was giving me everything my ex best friend couldn’t, but I was resigned to the idea that she wasn’t as verbally or physically affectionate. I still love that best friend, but those are my love languages, and I don’t usually get them from other people. And then my second best friend came into my life and gave me exactly what I wanted and needed that was missing from my first best friend. But now there’s a problem. Because my first best friend isn’t very verbally affectionate, she probably wouldn’t like it if I told her I love her, and even if she did, I would be opening up to her too much and that might push her away. My second best friend would absolutely love it if I told her I loved her, but I’m too worried that I’ll put all my energy into that friendship only to slowly realise that I’m not getting anything back.

I want to love them. I do love them. And I always thought it was a cliché motivation when a character was like “I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again”, but that is exactly how I feel and I couldn’t even trust my second best friend when she told me that she would always care about me because that’s what I told my ex best friend and now I hate her with a burning passion. I hate songs like “Night Changes” or “The One That Got Away” because they remind me that something you think will be infinite could end within a moment, and I hate reading fanfics where characters end up far away from each other with no possible way of regaining the relationship they had before and/or in canon because that’s the truth of life. People will come and go and you can’t do anything about it. Love is never going to be enough if it’s only going one way. Life isn’t a show where everything comes full circle; there are going to be loose ends and regrets and there will be no consolation or closure and everyone leaves eventually no matter how much you or they care. I love my best friends now but if I admit it to them then it solidifies the idea that there’s something to lose, and I can’t stand that. I don’t want to be hurt again. Despite how genuine my best friends may be right now, there will be a day where they don’t care. I don’t want to reach that day. I don’t want it to continue to that point. I don’t want to tell them I love them.

Renaming blog

Hi

I decided i want to rename this blog and my studio from Nava and Mantyi respectively to Chapa

Why? Because it's my nickname in some online games. It's familiar to me and i think it sounds better than Nava or Mantyi

In the next few days i'll be renaming this blog, my itch.io and github account and creating a new youtube channel. I already renamed my discord account

Now i'm CHAPA

Also i'm going to release beta 0.0 next week

New links: itch.io, github, new youtube channel

Summer changes

Hi there!

It's summer (wow!) which means i'm not studying. But this doesn't mean i'll develop my game more often because i want to rest like a normal person.

Before the release of 1st interim i spent every day developing to release it as soon as possible. Now i'll rest more but try to maintain a frequency of one post per week.

I also thought i'll learn javascript to create a web-site for my game and multiplayer based on it. But now i realize more likely i'll just rest: walk outside and play games (maybe even read books!).

Have a nice summer and good luck!

Changes

Being told you look happier than before is probably one of the best compliments that I have been given🥰

Moving Month

This October is going to be a whirlwind! My monster and I are moving to our new home! With birthdays, our wedding anniversary and Halloween on the docket… it’s safe to say my paws are full!

I will still post here and there but this month may be quiet compared to others!

Thank you all for your amazing support, comments and follows! I hope you all take care of yourselves and have a wonderful spooky season!

~Spooki🖤

Hi guys, it might interest you I changed my nickname from stasiusz to vunsz, because vunsz sounds better If you don’t like it, please message me, thanks for attention c:

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I am now going to have a Set Posting Date on here, I will most likely be Posting on Friday, giving me the rest of the week to write, I’ve already got a Series going on here, Which I made a Cover for and Changed the Title for it, I will be making a few changes to this Blog, Which Includes me making a Master list on here so you guys Can find my Fics Easier.

Also if you want to be on the Tag list I will be making for the series just comment on this Post, that way you can be updated when the next chapter is out.

I love myself.

Don't EVER let anyone tell you that you're not good enough.. Too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too stupid, a know-it-all, a freak, weird the list goes on and never ends!! Everything about you is beautiful and you are the only one who can change you! Stay happy, be who you are and enjoy life! Thought of the day... Because nobody is and ever will be perfect :)

This song...

365 Days Without You

I always thought grief would be black and white, monotonous for the most part. Then I thought it would be grey, like the clouds, right before it rained, holding onto as much as you can till you fall apart. But the past year has taught me that grief has colors, colors no one stops to notice or understand, colors I never thought I’d see again...

Sometimes grief would be blue, like the sky that goes on without an end, it was quiet and calm, maybe a little long yet soothing despite the sorrow deep within. Grief was green, like the trees, grass, and weeds that grew on the side of your grave, grief was growth and life despite the life lost. Grief was red, like the million flowers we arranged atop your grave in hopes you could smell them the way we could, red like the anger that kept seething despite all the rational thoughts and beliefs, a little faulty and unpredictable. Then, grief was yellow, it was funny with a little drop of sunshine where you could only think to find darkness, it was proof you could smile despite adversities. Grief is anything but the gloomy, grey picture we often paint in our heads.

I still vividly remember the day I received the call at work. I had only imagined what pain and sorrow would feel like until that moment, and despite knowing the worst has happened, all I felt was complete numbness. I could have sworn I held my breath on the ride home, wishing the car to speed past traffic lights, but also praying not to reach, not to ever find out what was awaiting me at the end of the journey. I was not prepared for this goodbye despite knowing and feeling its lingering presence for months. I was not ready to let you go… 

I had so much to say and yet silence engulfed me whole for months. I could never quite put my thoughts into words the way I wanted to, I could not speak to a wall thinking your presence filled the room or think of you as an angel living in the heavens above, looking down on me. I could not simply pretend you still were here, yet I could not completely fathom your absence long enough to understand that you were gone forever.

Maybe I was a little mad, but more than anger, it was sadness in a way I had never felt before. It was in knowing nothing would ever come close to having spent decades with you ever again. It was in knowing I could never again hold your hand as we walked through the park, never again drink the coffees that you make or share your favorite strawberry ice creams with you, it was in knowing I could never again hear your voice calling me out as I walked past your room, never again having your presence in celebrations and festivities that you dearly looked forward to. It was in knowing you’d never again sing along to the songs that played on the radio, never again waking up in the wee hours to catch World Cup matches, listening to your commentary and supporting Brazil because that was your favorite team. It was in knowing you’d never be the one who takes up the spot right next to me in family portraits and birthday photographs, it was in knowing I have kissed you goodbye for the last time and put you six feet deep where I could not quite reach you the way I wanted to. My sorrow was tied to never having you again, and knowing that there is still much I needed you for in life. It is tied to the absence and void that I now have to live and make peace with because there isn’t much else to do…

I expected myself to feel lost, to go through tons of emotions, behave irrationally, throw tantrums, and spend most of my days and nights in complete solitude. Life was a far cry from what I’d imagined, I spent most of my days after your loss swamped with work and I was surprisingly good at it. And when I couldn’t breathe, I found myself locked in a toilet or curled up on the bed, holding myself together on the brink of losing it, praying to keep it together for just a bit longer. This was a huge loss for the entire family, and with the emotional rollercoaster we all rode those months, I found it necessary to keep all my pain and sorrow hidden. I made the most jokes, recalled your time with us animatedly and did what I could to make sure everyone was okay. Most days, I kept myself mentally and physically busy to the point when I hit the bed, there was no room for thinking, let alone overthinking. All I did for a good six months or so, was work, exhaust myself and sleep.

Life took a complete turn overnight and I was nowhere near prepared for a death I knew was coming and would completely shatter me.

Tell me, how does one prepare for the complete absence of a loved one for the rest of whatever forever we have left…

I am grateful for photographs and videos of you; they bring you back whole to me for a split second every time I catch a glimpse of them. Sometimes, with my eyes closed, I could swear I feel you right here with me. In the moments I spend most alone, most broken and find myself hurting and longing for your comforting hug and presence, I feel myself break in a way I could never explain. But in those very moments, I think you’re somewhere nearby, holding my hands, silently sitting with me, the way you always did. I know you are right here. 

You’re in every flower that blooms in my garden, in every innocent smile and laughter of every child I meet on the streets, in the black coffees I drink every morning now, and in your favorite songs that play constantly on my playlist. You’re everywhere I turn, and it is not painful anymore. It’s comforting to know the things you’ve left behind in the form of objects, routines, and habits help hold me together in knowing you’re just as much here as you were before when I feel a little abandoned in life.

It still feels like you’re asleep in an unknown, unfindable room in this house, I still wait to see if you’d come walking down the hall whenever we gather for family time like you always do, I still think you’re here whenever I turn another corner or sit on your couch waiting for you to magically appear again as though nothing went amiss, like the past year didn't happen. I wonder if I prayed long and hard enough, if you'd come right back and life would resume playing out the way it was supposed to.

Sitting here, I could tell you I did not believe I’d make it past the first 24 hours, let alone a whole year. It feels surreal, like a never-ending dream I hope to awaken from and find you laughing with me as I recall every little detail, but it all feels less probable and more an unchanged reality as time passes by. With every day that begins and ends without you, know that I carry you in my heart, know that every step I take and every single thing I do, will embody you, and it will be something I hope makes you proud.

Tell me what I missed when I see you again, tell me how much you missed me and hold me till I feel whole again, tell me all your wonderful adventures from when you were young again even though I remember every story, every word, by heart, the way I do you.

I will always hold you in my heart for whatever life and eternity there is left to live,

with eternal love,

Rose.

In loving memory of my most beloved grandfather♥️

© Raina Rose 

Blog Changes

I have decided to try a different direction with this blog and instead of posting a whole bunch of pics of single systems, I am going to start posting a pic of a new world every day. That way its frees me to to explore more systems and find really stunning worlds.

"Good night, Daytime."

"Good morning, Nighttime!"

The "anti-christ" is not a person, but a wave of darkness that extinguishes the Light of whatever it touches.

Yet, what might be released at Light's extermination than, perhaps, an Otherness surpassing in Necessity both Light & Darkness combined?

r u capable of changing your mental DNA?