Where Every Scroll is a New Adventure
Belonging - Blog Posts
Friendships are such an interesting component of humanity. They truly serve us in a valuable way in terms of finding connection, interaction, community, and belonging. It’s fascinating and colorful to also see how different people think and value friendship and companionship. I had a rough conversation with my mother about some problems that I have been having about my own friendships at the moment. She brought up the fact that she doesn’t rely on friendships that much because she had a strong relationship to her family that she knew would never waver. She saw reoccurring patterns in the people that she attempted to be friends with, was continuously hurt by people that were a risk to trust, so she realized that friendship wasn’t that important to her.
There is always a risk when you meet someone, or are trying to make friends, or start a new relationship. Deciding what, when, how, and why you want to share with people is always risky, and exposing and opening yourself to people is always a hard thing to do. But why is it so easy for me? I actually find a lot of comfort and release when I open up to people and share who I am with people. I feel like I am getting closer to knowing my authentic self when I let go of expectations and hesitations about who people think I am when I just honestly tell people about myself. However, as a sophomore in college, I have learned to fear that side of myself. I have learned the patterns of hurt and betrayal that surround me with friendships, and even the problems that I am experiencing right now with my friends follow the same trend. I value and think of friendships to be a deeper connection than what most people think for themselves. My family never served to treat me in a loving, caring, affectionate, stable way, and didn’t teach and show me how relationships work and function. Through the abuse and trauma that they inflicted on me, I don’t have a safe space that my mother had when she was growing up. She had a bright, caring family to come back to, I have a dark chasm of self hatred and longing. A chasm that is reserved and meant to be filled by the love, affirmation, and belonging by my family.
So I look to friendships instead to fill that chasm. I pour my all into trying to build a support system through friendships that grow. Being seen, recognized, accepted, and loved put the pieces back together that have always been broken inside me. But the pieces only held together by aging glue. Until they fall apart again because those seemingly supportive friendships weren’t as supportive as I was led to believe. I have a twisted view on friendships, believing that the way that I see and value my friends are, by default, the same way that my friends see and value me, but that is a lie that I keep telling myself. I don’t mean the same thing to them, the same way they mean to me. Why is that so hard for me to understand and live with? Maybe it’s because they will never be the family that I should have received growing up. Maybe it’s because I have too much baggage to be supported by the unstable connections between us that I am desperately relying on. Maybe I am looking in all the wrong places for something that will never be found because the time for that has long passed. Or maybe the problem is just me?
My friends do not owe me anything. My friends are not obligated to constantly support me and fill/fix the everlasting holes within me. Do I address my issues with them? Even when I know that they probably will be offended by what I have to say? I am putting them in an impossibly difficult place. But is it so wrong of me to not to want to be alone? Is it wrong of me to want to feel like I am not broken or damaged, and want to feel like I have people I can come back to no matter what? But maybe that opportunity is not meant for me anymore. Maybe this is all I am meant to get from relationships at this point. I should be more grateful for what I have, for my friends, and for everything that they have done for me, but I can’t help but want for more. But alas, friendships aren’t meant to be used for self-gratification, for me to feel liked, loved, accepted. For me to feel like me, just once, in my fucked up life. please… But maybe this is a sign that instead of trying so hard to get something that is impossible to get, I should learn to live and adapt to what people’s emotional capacities are. I should be willing to sacrifice my wants, needs and desires, and be real with the rest of the world. Because in reality, the time has passed for the world to be able to meet my wants, needs, and desires. Now the world will never be enough.
{Marvel Prompts}
Prompt: Loki has become an avenger, but now is struggling to fit in and belong in the team. Loki has difficulty with his emotions and social interactions, from lack of proper friendships and social connection and from never learning how to handle his emotions in the first place- at least not properly anyway...
Loki is dealing with undiagnosed ADHD and has severe social anxiety as well, along with a lot of trauma to add to the pot.
Thor, being the big brother, finds help for his brother as he can't help Loki by himself. Thor recognized he doesn't have the tools or knowledge needed to help Loki. Tony and Clint potentially do, both having similar issues with Loki, but not to his degree or exact symptoms. Thor believes that Tony and Clint can help Loki fit in because they know what it's like to struggle mentally and emotionally.
{And the three help Loki get properly diagnosed by professionals for his ADHD, of course.}
Loki gets a bit better, feeling more like he belongs. That he isn't broken or defective. Loki feels like a true person for the first time in years.
He was mine temporary
For a moment he showed me
What love could be
But all good things don’t last
But I’m blessed I got them seconds
As they felt like hours
His smell I’ll never know , his voice I will always imagine .
I will forever carry them memories with me
Because In such a short amount of space
he managed to change the perspective in me.
It's him
as he makes me feel like I'm about to fall, or burst into flame, or turn to liquid all at once. Every part of me belongs to him.....but he also belongs to me.
ೃ⁀➷•.・♡꙳𓂃𓂂*・❥・꙳•.
You don't belong in a place where you think: "Will I be a burden?"
You don't belong in a place where you feel like you have to limit yourself. You don't belong in a place where you can't explain what hurts you, where you're not understood. You don't belong in a place where you don't feel like yourself. This is the reason for your exile and captivity.
˚ ✦𓂃☆𝔀𝓮𝓫･࿐
.・♡꙳𓂃𓂂*・❥・꙳•.
I know I belong.
Here, between the spaces of your fingers, and the crook of your neck.
On your lips and in your eyes.
I've finally found a home far from any other.
The restlessness in me is slowly being put to sleep by your sweet voice, the soft tunes that fall from your lips heals the broken parts of me from within.
For once, the world feels so much more beautiful than it ever was.
Because there's you and there's me. And because that's all that I need.
For once, it's enough.
For once