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Suic1de - Blog Posts
I think I genuinely want to end it all. Nobody cares about me, not in a way that matters anyway. I constantly get discriminated against simply because I'm a foreigner, and they make it incredibly difficult to navigate all the legal stuff in my new country. And even if I do have everything in order, sometimes I still get denied simply because "fuck you, that's why".
I'm also struggling with severe mental illness and trauma, which at this point I only expect to be neglected even further. Not to mention dysphoria and being trans amplifying the above tenfold.
I just don't see the point. I want to withdraw from society. It doesn't deserve me.
Feeling like killing myself later tonight. The dysphoria and it's consequences are too much. Don't bother telling me to please not do it, or tell me it will get better. because 1. Nobody truly cared before and 2. no it will not, I'm certain of that right now.
And I know nobody cares for me, not on a personal level, and not a broader scale. So I'm finally ready to do "it" I suppose. Hopefully it will be more peaceful there.
society abandoned me. People don't even know I exist. People literally ignore me when I talk to them. Quite literally pretending I'm not there. It's literal torture. I'm seriously considering forcefully kicking the bucket early because of it.
"it will get better"
"it will get better" they told me, aged 11, when puberty really kicked in and felt extremely dysphoric about my body, but didn't know what it was yet, and also got bullied for not being truly either gender.
"it will get better" they told 13 year old me, now aware of what dysphoria was, but still suicidal because of it, and felt terrible for not being accepted as a real boy.
"it will get better" they told 15 year me, who just got sexually assaulted for being trans, as well as missing lots of school(and social development) for being constantly in the hospital to navigate the medical gatekeeping for being trans.
"it will get better" they told 16 year me, still freshly traumatized from being sexually assaulted, and now disabled due to medical abuse and neglect from doctors, as well as failing school due to said disability.
"it will get better" they told 17 year old me, who was getting abused at home, while going to school and working my ass off at a minimum wage job, trying to save whatever I could while also trying to sustain myself.
"it will get better" they told 18 year me, still being abused and barely graduating high school, while fighting with my mom to let me attend the college I want, while still not having fully recovered from being temporarily disabled.
"it will get better" they told 19 year old me, now living on college campus, stuck doing a degree I don't truly want, but my parents won't let me chance. I'm succumbing to depression, adhd, and anxiety, but who cares. My body has most of its functions back but will never be the same. Still dysphoric and suicidal every day despite transitioning.
It will get better. When, my love, when? It's almost been a decade of being suicidal every single day, as well as being abused and to a degree, disabled. Some people's foundation for life crumbles, I didn't have one to begin with.
on top of that, a decade is a pretty long time. Would you expect a person to undergo cancer treatment for 10 years, only for it to not be solved? You'd feel sympathetic, right? Maybe even feel bad for them? You wish their suffering would just be over.. Why is this any different? Why am I suddenly "just not strong enough" or "just try harder"?
I'm genuinely convinced it'll never get better. I don't really have any (easy) method of... you know what, but I still want to "commit" every single day. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe it will never get better.
what would’ve happened - written by me
Oh, how badly I want to curse you for everything you’ve done to me. But I can’t… You were supposed to be someone who protected me and covered my ears and eyes from the evil in the world. Instead, you were my nightmares. I still cry myself to sleep. All my memories of you are clouded, dark, grey, and hazy, yet it feels like it happened yesterday. I hate you, but I so badly want to love you. It kills me to know that I'll never have that with you. I honestly believe you hated me ever since I was a child. I feel pathetic. I've just spent the whole night crying. I never know when to let go. A couple of months ago, I broke down crying in front of you while you sat there emotionless, and it looked honestly like you were forcing yourself to cry. Crocodile tears. You never fail to make it about you. I told you I almost ended myself, and you acted like I was telling a joke. You never deserved me. You never loved me.
HAHA oh my god i wonder if she blocked me on everything.
how fucking petty.
fuck i should let someone else front but then i doubt either of them would talk with us. not like she would anyway.
god im so sick of this shit.
if im/we're a doormat we get told i/we need to stand up for ourselves but when we do that we're suddenly the bad guys?
god maybe i should just fucking kill myself. an endless void of nothingness sounds great.
i fronted again so that we could still keep in contact with out any problems but thats obviously not working so whats the fucking point. oh that's right- there is none.
god fucking damn it.
i hate being alone
dont worry im not going to kms- my rooms a mess and i dont want our mom to find our body and have to clean up our room.
as stupid as it sounds. but hey its keeping me here so i guess the mess isnt too bad
regret
Nothing has been the same, nothing will ever be the same. Agony's distorted verbal attacks from the near but very present past, the calmness of the wind as it frisk the forest with its delict hands spreading an abundant amount of pollen as spring grows near and near. I ask the question of what will bring me back to clarity and normality but its not as simple as moving on or letting go you have to forget every last drop of blood that was ever shed the countless mistakes and hardships you've cost people. In this scope of matter and forms there is no longer a soul that knows me, now I'm just wondering to leave soon and be put to rest by decay of natural process. That's truly alone now I'm just a shell of who I once was my potential has fallen there is no other word that suites me more then regret. I regret staying a live for those I loved and I regret living, nothing will ever feel normal again not love not any relationships. My heart is nonexistent.
Listen up!
You see a post like this? Where OP might hurt/kill themselves? You hit that button that I circled
Hit that.
Click Suicide or Self-harm Concern
Yes.
Fill in the rest of it, and hit submit. The "content you reported" will fill itself in
Tumblr will follow up and help them.
Warning: this is only for mobile. If anyone knows how to do this for desktop, please add it!
This could SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.