Sapphic Fiction - Blog Posts

solar sentience

“Billiiiiii!!”

I heard her call my name from across the street. I hadn’t seen Marusya since Porto. I had to stop myself from running out into traffic to greet her. i had made that mistake before and my knee still gives me trouble. but once there was a break in the traffic i dashed.

she saw me coming and opened her arms to embrace me. i ran into her with such velocity that she fell back, luckily catching both of us because i wouldn’t have been able to.

“i missed you so much, Marusya.” i made no effort to stop the tears from flowing from my eyes. “it’s been too long.”

“we talked for a hour yesterday, you goofball.” we did. we talked on the phone often and had a bad habit of losing track of time. even just to establish when and where we’d meet led us to a long tangent about my travel frustrations. “but it’s so nice to see that smile again.” i grinned even harder.

Marusya led me to the cafe. she had been staying in the city the past few months with friends i would meet later that evening. i was lucky enough that my work brought me to Europe, and luckier still that my path crossed with hers. it seemed predestined.

she took me to her favorite cafe. she loved the pastries here and that was absolutely enough for me. the weather was beautiful today so we sat on the terrace. i found it somewhat overstimulating to be honest. i was distracted by the visibility of the old and intricate architecture that populated the landscape of this part of town. that’s to say nothing of all the people and traffic noise outside, but i did my best to focus on our conversation. it was all i wanted. that and a cigarette. i was surrounded by Europeans smoking over their coffees and i knew it was only a matter of time before i broke my streak. it wasn’t a long streak anyhow.

“i can’t believe it’s been three years already. it’s surreal.”

“i know. it feels at once like yesterday and a lifetime ago that we met.” 

we worked together while we were both in school in Santa Barbara. we bonded quickly over our mutual hobbies and interests. primarily music and philosophy. in that time in our life we both desperately needed someone to talk to.

“yeah, honestly i can’t believe this is how things turned out for us. if you had told me then this is where we’d end up, i’d have laughed. and probably made sure it didn’t.”

“then i'm glad i didn’t tell you.” Marusya smiled. i couldn’t help but smile back. Marusya continued, “i’m sorry again though. i still feel responsible for how things played out in Washington.”

“it hardly matters at this point though. Terra gets released in a few months; i’m sure she won’t hesitate to forgive you.”

“i hope you’re right. i hope she’s as gracious as you’ve been.” Marusya stared into her tea. i hated to see her look so guilty. she deserved to be at peace.

“gracious? i had nothing to forgive, no matter what you tell me.” years ago she had been instrumental in my decision to transition. for that i owed her my life. i would never shake that feeling, even if she was responsible for my wife’s prison sentence. but that was between them.

Marusya started to get emotional, but she was better at keeping it at bay than i was. “i still have a hard time talking about it. i wanted to today, but now i don’t know if i can.”

“well damn, i could’ve brought my cellular then,” i joked. Marusya had asked me to leave it at my hotel. i knew the routine from our community organizing days. if we hadn’t been so diligent about our comms procedures she would be with Terra now, and i’d likely never see either released.

“have you heard from anyone since Terra’s sentencing?”

“no, i thought it best to cut ties with them. i didn’t want to push my luck. but i miss a few of them.”

“maybe when Terra’s back you’ll hear from them."

“i hope not. for her sake.”

“how are things between the two of you anyway? as good as always i hope.”

“actually they’re not. we stopped speaking. or writing letters rather.”

“no! what? why? what happened between you two?”

“she admitted to cheating on me in the clink.”

“what? you lie. tell me you’re lying.”

“i wish i was.”

“are you two done for good?”

“oh god no. at least i hope not. im just upset and we agreed it best that we don’t speak again until she’s up for parole.”

“at least that’s soon.”

“not soon enough.”

“it should’ve been me.”

“you should’ve been the one she cheated with? yeah honestly i’d’ve preferred that.”

“actually Lake did say that they’d forgive an infidelity only if it was her of all people.”

“what? seriously?”

“yeah, Terra has that effect on more people than you realize. i never told you about it because i didn’t want you to feel threatened.”

“i wouldn’t’ve felt threatened.”

“...or get any ideas.”

“okay, fair.”

“i still should’ve taken that rap for her. i never got to apologize.”

“you will one day. one day soon.”

“crazy how one little mistake could have such consequences.”

“just be grateful that was the only mistake you made.”

“i am. and thanks again.”

“for what? i didn’t do anything for you.”

“you saved me.”

“Terra saved you. i just played along.”

“then extend my thanks.”

“i’ve thanked her enough.”

i was growing tired of thinking about about my last days with the both of them. i was at my wits’ end. i excused myself to bum a cigarette from another patron. Marusya used the opportunity to get another tea.

it felt good to smoke again, and to see Marusya face to face, even if we still had some tensions to iron out. we had been unable to discuss it directly, on the chance that a bug might overhear. Marusya was still wanted by the FBI for her connection to the Nerysian Resistance Cell.

i inhaled deeply, letting the smoke fill me, and consume me. the nicotine made me feel light, made it hurt less to relive the past.

the Nerysians were the cell responsible for the assassination of Chief Justice Robert Jackson, the first Supreme Court Justice to be assassinated in the country’s history, but not the last. it seems like a minor incident after the events that followed, and i spent a long time hoping that the FBI agreed. luckily i have yet to be proven wrong.

ultimately, the only Nerysian who would do time in connection to that crime was Terra. just our luck. our friend Lake who pulled the trigger was murdered by police on sight. sadly, the trigger was attached to a pistol registered in Terra’s name. she had given her gun to Marusya when there was a string of robberies in her building. Marusya, in the midst of returning it, left it in the trunk of Lake’s car, which was commonly used for Nerysian activity. this led to it being mixed in with the unmarked arms that had shared the trunk that evening. the next morning Lake had taken that gun of all guns.

after recovering Lake’s body and Terra’s gun, it was only a matter of time before they came for her too. rather than implicate others, Terra took responsibility. the rest of the cell took the cue to go into hiding. we had covered our tracks well enough that the only charge they could pin to her was giving Lake the gun. she even convinced the court that she knew nothing of the assassination plans. they never knew of the other illegal rifles and pistols that Lake had access to. they never knew the truth of the Nerysians.

however, they did know that Marusya and Lake shared a house. scared that she could be used to expose an entire network of revolutionaries, Marusya fled the country. i helped her escape to Europe, by way of Portugal, where i had enough connections and spoke the language well enough to get her a stack of Euros, a fake passport and a train ticket to get deeper into the continent. she took refuge with her leftist connections from her post grad years in Eastern Europe. she seems to like it here, but it was hard to tell under all her grief.

Marusya returned, tea in one hand and pastry in the other, as i finished my cigarette.

“you smoked that so fast.”

“yeah, i should’ve savored it.”

“don’t make the same mistake with this,” she remarked handing me the pastry. “do you want to talk about something else? i think the heavy convos can wait.”

we sat to resume our convo. “yes, please. did you have something in mind?”

“yes!” Marusya’s face lit up, her demeanor shifting immediately. “i was reading earlier about the new advancements in cold fusion tech.”

“really?” this was a topic we both had followed since scientists started making advancements when we were in college. it was one thing that gave us hope for our global future.

“yes! they’re creating more and more energy everyday.” her enthusiasm comforted me. “it’s so exciting.”

“where is this happening?”

“at a new nuclear research facility in Vienna.”

“very cool. it’s about time.”

“i agree, it’s a shame that it took such extreme global circumstances to motivate the EU to fund it. but better late than never.”

“definitely. i just can’t help but be concerned with how this tech could be privatized and capitalized. this could solve so many problems across the globe, but that idea feels naive.”

“yeah, we need to be careful with these utopian ideas. every utopia is a dystopia for someone after all.”

“no argument there, but i don’t know what we will do if the people in power choose utopia. it seems almost certain.”

“we will feast upon their flesh,” Marusya replied flatly. “wasn’t that always the plan?” she looked at me earnestly, her eyes wide, as she pulled apart a piece of the pastry.

“yes, but i still pray it never comes to that.”

“too bad your prayers haven’t gotten a response. im sure the sun would know what’s in store for us.”

i thought that was a odd thing to say, at least for Marusya. “what do you mean?”

“wait, did you not hear that the sun is sentient? do you not read the news while you’re on tour?”

“i stopped reading the news when Terra left.”

“she didn’t leave. she was taken from you.”

“don’t remind me.”

“oh sorry. you’re right.”

“what are you talking about then?”

“okay so a few weeks ago some researchers published some really fascinating data that i thought you’d have heard about.”

“it’s been hard to keep up with all the extraterrestrial science that’s been happening since the shattering.”

“yes, definitely. but this is more legit than a lot of the speculation that’s coming out these days. essentially, astrophysicists were able to prove that within the sun there is energy flowing between atoms. and that this energy flows in patterns remarkably similar to the flow of electricity between neurons in the human brain.”

“oh, that is interesting.”

“isn’t it?” Marusya’s enthusiasm always filled me with joy. i missed seeing that in her face for so long.

“what exactly are we supposed to make of that though?”

“well, essentially the prevailing interpretation is that the sun is functioning like a brain, but given that the mass of the sun is so much larger than a brain, there’s practically infinitely more synapses with infinitely more connections, so to speak. and the conclusion researchers are coming to is that the sun is ‘hyper-sentient’ and is observing and on some level comprehending the universe that surrounds it.”

i was stunned. i didn’t know how to respond to that information.

Marusya continued, “i mean obviously we’ll never be capable of understanding exactly how the sun ‘thinks’ or how it experiences reality, or whatever hyper-sentience might imply. but the implications are fascinating.”

“you’re right. i was shocked. i don’t even know what to say.”

“really? i thought you’d have something to say given your sun worshiping tendencies. i really surprised you didn’t hear about it.”

“well, this is validating. i feel like i already knew somehow.”

“maybe somehow we all did. we’re all waves on one ocean anyway. the sun is just like a tsunami.” 

i really liked this conjecture. i knew Marusya thought about life along these lines and i knew that she was right about the nature of reality. “but given that our sun is just one star of one hundred billion, and that’s just within our galaxy, are they theorizing that all stars are sentient?”

“yes, that’s exactly the conclusion they’ve come to. all stars have been reclassed as ‘hyper–sentient beings.’ they’re already calling them ‘HSBs’ and it’s opening an entire new subfield of astrophysics. evidently our search for extraterrestrial life had too narrow of a scope.”

“does this mean they’ll finally stop looking for little green men?” Marusya and i had both long considered this a futile effort and a waste of ever-dwindling resources.

“almost definitely not. everyone still wants to know who built the moon.” Marusya said this almost as if she did as well.

“they want to know who they can declare war on.”

“sure, but maybe we need to be humbled. as a species.” Marusya was right. the hubris of man had gotten out of hand in the past decade, saying nothing of course of the centuries that preceded it.

i nodded as i ate the last bite of pastry. Marusya was right about them, and i’m sure she was right about everything else. but i needed time to process it.

i looked to the sun now. or as much as i could given its unbearable brightness this time of day, this time of year. its rays illuminated big fluffy clouds, clouds taller and wider than any castle in Europe. i wondered if it could feel me, if it could feel the warmth that i felt in that moment, from radiation that connected us directly. i felt so small then; i was one of nearly two million people in this city alone. this city that were its area transposed onto the surface of the sun, would appear so miniscule it would not be detectable by even our most advanced instruments and our smartest scientists.

could it feel what i was feeling? did we only exist as an extension of it? as a cosmic appendage that was willed into existence so that this HSB may be capable of experiencing its own beauty? if so, did that change anything for us? would that bring us to reassess, re-examine, and ask ourselves, “how do we live?”

i knew i wouldn’t come to any worthwhile conclusions now, or soon, or maybe even as long as i lived. we were in a new era of gods greater than ourselves, and for once in human history plainly observable to exist. so why did this bring our own existence into question? i wanted to get into all the questions that raced through my mind then and there, but it was time to leave the cafe. maybe it was best to give myself time to collect my thoughts, and to reground myself with the exciting prospect of exploring a very old city with my oldest friend. Marusya always had a way of bringing me back to reality, no matter how strange reality became.

“what do you want to do first?” Marusya asked me, smiling at me big as ever. i knew from that alone we would be alright.

“buy a pack of cigarettes,” i responded without missing a beat. for the first time since i landed in Europe i had other things on my mind, but i knew from experience that relapsing on my nicotine addiction would keep me from relapsing on the designer psychedelics that captured my youth and were widely available on the continent. i wanted now more than ever to dive back in, to take a hero’s dose and explore this fresh perspective of the cosmos. i wanted to reconnect with our celestial mother, who gave us life and watched closely over us. i wanted to, but i knew i couldn’t let Marusya see me like that, not again. i knew if i wasn’t clean when Terra was released there would be no prospect of her returning to me. i knew that the two of them meant more to me than any drug. on second thought, i decided against the cigarettes, and Marusya led me deeper into this city as old as our measurement of years themselves, guiding me further into the past as she once had guided me into my present. we talked and we laughed and we sang and we cried, and we rekindled the friendship we had sacrificed for the greater good of humanity. for the first time in years, it felt like a worthy sacrifice.

terra

i remember the first time i saw her. she defended my honor shortly after. i have loved her ever since.

i knew better than to be in that bar alone. but this was a manic phase for me so all bets were off. i was using again, and doing my best to maintain a social life without many friends. and for once, i excelled. at least by my own standards. this night that meant drinking with my lonesome in a random dive.

i had never patronized this particular establishment. but there were bikes out front so i knew what to expect. at least i thought i did. i could never have anticipated that i would walk into her life on this night of all nights. a moonless night nonetheless.

the very moment i stepped inside i noticed her. curls as red and voluminous as hers are hard to miss. i was instantly consumed by layers of reactive emotion: lust, envy, insecurity, pride, panic. it took all of my attention not to show every racing thought on my face. i sat at the bar with my back to the pool tables, where she talked and laughed with her biker friends. i thought it best to keep her out of sight and out of mind.

i drank quickly that night. i was uncomfortable and i knew i stood out, but i had enough experience fitting myself in where i didn’t belong that i was ultimately unconcerned. being noticeable was unavoidable and i assumed myself capable of managing the unwanted attention. of course a few men tried talking to me; i did what i could to entertain them but i didn’t have the energy. after a couple more drinks that i did not pay for, one man pushed his luck. and i pushed back. not literally, not yet. he stood too close and breathed too heavy. he tried to ask about my braids and my jewelry, presumably in a lame attempt to connect with me over something personal. i suppose it is not a despicable tactic, but i despised it. i had no patience to explain my culture to a white man, or to bear the inevitable microaggressions. but i had been trapped and was feeling sassy after a couple drinks, so of course i had to call him out as soon as he asked about my blood quantum. i don’t care to relive that conversation, but i’ve often relived the following moments.

as his tone shifted from inquisitive to offended to offensive, others began to notice. i hadn’t the sense or sobriety to de-escalate, and like i said this was one of my manic phases. so i mocked, and he yelled, and before i could comprehend what i had gotten myself into i had to get myself out. but for once i couldn’t see an exit. and that’s when she came to my rescue. when i heard a woman’s voice interject from behind me, i swiveled in my bar stool and found myself face to face with a goddess. a goddess of war nonetheless, with a face so full of freckles and fury that i was instantly disarmed.

they seemed to have history. they seemed to have pre-existing beef. but either way she was as committed to escalation as i had been only a moment before. she told him not to waste his time, she told him to leave me alone, she told him to go back to fucking mannequins, whatever that meant. he called her a bitch and a dyke and she kept her cool. but as soon as tranny had left his lips i heard glass shatter. next was all of a flash of light to me. a sudden commotion and i was dragged from the bar. i thought i was carrion, but it had been devotees of my new savior that gotten me out of there. it was a relief, and in my one glance back at the brawl that had ensued i was filled with gratitude. this was just as immediately interrupted by the roar of motorcycle, and as if i had died in that bar and gone to heaven, i turned once again to my newfound idol, now revving her engine and gesturing me to mount her steed behind her. i hesitated for the smallest moment, maybe because i didn’t believe my luck or maybe to capture a clear image i could return to once my luck ran up. im glad i took that moment. 

it lingered in my mind’s eye for some time, and before i knew what had happened or how to feel i was holding onto a total stranger for dear life. as we sped down a empty freeway, cold air cutting into my watery eyes, i buried my face into her soft curls. i realized that i was wearing her helmet, that she had sacrificed her own safety several times over to secure mine. there are no words in the english language that can adequately express the gratitude i felt in that moment. it was all i could do to hold on with every string of every atom of my being, thankful to feel safe for the first time in my life.

**********

her name is Terra, she told me. a gorgeous name, did she pick it herself i asked. she did not, she was named for her mother.

she took me to her apartment. told me it’d be a calm place for me to sober up. i certainly didn’t mind. especially not after seeing it. i had no expectation of something luxurious or tidy or well decorated, and in that sense it met my expectations. but it was her domain and i was in awe. i took in every detail, eager to learn what i could about my new hyperfixation. a large mattress on the floor with perfectly disheveled sheets, a whiteboard displaying chemical equations, plants everywhere. an impeccably neat kitchen, a disheveled record collection, no visible closet. stacks of books. a dozen candles. empty wine bottles. only one chair. we sat together on the floor on her bed. this made me nervous.

but she wasn’t tense and that put me at ease a bit. she wasn’t talkative either, and i think ultimately that’s what intimidated me. i wanted to interrogate her motivations for helping me, but i thought it best not to push my luck. she seemed unphased by the whole evening and i tried my best to mimic her stoicism.

i helped bandage her hand. she had cut it on the broken glass she shoved into that man’s face. she asked where i learned first aid. so i told her about my years as a boy scout, growing up in Colorado. learning to survive the harsh winters without resources. learning to braid hair and sing songs and practice witchcraft. she laughed at that.

she asked me if i had any new moon rituals. i didn’t; i grew up a sun worshiper. she insisted we do hers together. she made me a cup of tea, offered me bread. i hadn’t realized i was so hungry and when she told me she made it herself, i certainly couldn’t decline. she lit candles and incense and told me that i didn’t need to say prayers but i needed to keep quiet while she said hers. afterwards she put on a Dexter Gordon record and we resumed conversation, much to my delight.

i told her i envied the density of her freckles and her curl pattern. it was tighter than mine. i told her about my stay in the hospital after my first attempt. about the 2spirit elder who gave me guidance when i wanted it least and needed it most. how they told me that my freckles were blessings from the sun. each individual spot a distinct blessing that would shape my life and guide my future. how the curls in my hair are a blessing from the moon, our celestial matriarch pulling my locks towards the heavens in celebration of my existence. that to waste my life and these blessings would be a dishonor. that i deserved a better death than that.

i told her she had more blessings than me, that the moon loved her more. she laughed at that.

she told me about how she grew up, with several brothers and no maternal figure to keep them in line. about how she left her family at an early age to pursue an education abroad, on a scholarship of course. how in Europe she fell in love with American jazz music. how she was embarrassed to admit it. how that taught her that everything is more admirable from a distance. how when you’re too close to your source you get caught in negative feedback loops that impair your judgment. 

i told her about my art, and she told me about hers. her voice was soft and low. smooth and syrupy like honey. i listened to it for hours and wanted hours more. but after some time we just sat in silence. as the first light of day slowly worked its way in, we found ourselves drifting into sleep in each other’s arms. 

Terra woke me a couple hours later. she was kind enough to provide me with coffee before driving me home, again on her motorcycle, which excited me as much the second time as the first. it was a very nice bike too; a real vintage model that she took pride in having rebuilt. i admired the gleam in her eyes as she told me about it. she was so clearly full of passion, not for motorcycles but for life itself.

on the stairs of my tenement i told her i admired that. how she seemed to live so much life in so little time. how she had so much life ahead of her. that i wanted to know how her story played out, as interesting as it’s been. i towered over her, standing a step above her, and lost myself in the intensity of her upwards gaze. i finally asked her, i needed to know.

“why did you intervene last night? why did you help me only to incite a riot?”

“well that guy you were talking to has a reputation. i know who he is; he has hurt my friends before.”

“so you saw an opportunity for revenge,” i smirked.

“i can’t honestly say no,” she admitted. “but i had my eyes on you since you walked in. and you were in more danger than i think you realized.”

“so you saw more more than one opportunity.” she chuckled in response. “do you make a habit of saving damsels in distress?” i continued.

“yes.”

I didn’t know what to make of that. i thought at the very least maybe i could enjoy my moment as object of her attention a little longer, before the next damsel comes along.

the sunlight shone through the canopy of maple leaves. it felt warm on my skin, and the sensation slowed my racing thoughts. Terra held my wrist in one hand, gently rubbing her thumb on the inside of my wrist. she had such strong hands, and seemed unaware of how intimate that had felt. i wondered how much of that was an act she put on for all her damsels. but i didn’t want to know. it was a good act and i wanted to feel, at least in this moment, that she was acting for me and me alone.

the tension was palpable. she stared into my eyes intently, with no expression on her face. i felt naked, i felt she could see right through me. i didn’t know what to say, but i knew i didn’t want to say goodbye. i knew any front i put on would go to waste. i knew i had to be honest with her and myself or we would both recognize the lies. instead i let my mind go blank. i let my eyes sink into the deep brown pools that gazed back at me. the light reflecting on their surface, the texture of her irises, the depth of her soul. suddenly i grabbed the lapels of her black leather jacket, unaware of how much time had passed since we spoke. i pulled into her to me, or more accurately i pulled myself into her.

“kiss me,” i told her firmly.

and she did! she kissed the freckle on the tip of my nose. it was short and it passed swiftly but i knew it was a blessing i would carry as long as i lived.

“what are you doing today?” she asked me, brushing off any awkwardness i felt. im sure she felt none.

“i need to clean my apartment. probably do laundry and make a curry.” i knew i was going to spend the day riding one high while coming down from another. “you?” i asked in response, trying to feign disinterest.

“i have a class at the college. i haven’t made up my mind about the rest of the day.”

“at the city college?”

“yes”

“compelling topic?”

“figure drawing actually. we have a nude model today so i can’t be absent.”

“do you like drawing nudes?” i asked cheekily.

“i would,” she told me, “but our prof only uses male models. i haven’t decided if it’s cause of some internalized misogyny or just a little kink of hers.” i laughed. “no, seriously. there’s a lot of rumors of her inappropriate behavior. at this point it’s more of a gossip class than anything.”

“that does sounds like fun,” i agreed, thinking only of how many girls she had gotten to model for her sketches in her apartment. if she did that as a ploy or out of genuine dedication to her art. if she took advantage of those girls, if she was a Picasso in her own right. if she kept her clothes on while she fucked them. i wanted to find out first hand. the desire burned in my chest. i exhaled and let it go.

“im sorry, i need to leave now.” that was the last thing i wanted to hear. “but it was really lovely meeting you. i hope i salvaged your night.”

“salvaged?! you made my whole fucking month!” i exclaimed. i hoped my enthusiasm would get me a little farther with her. “i hope i didn’t ruin yours. i’m sorry for derailing it.”

“don’t be.”

“would you like to see me again in that case?”

“you’re too bright to be asking such dumb questions.”

“then when would you like to see me again?”

“tomorrow night,” she said as if it was non-negotiable. i had no intention of trying. “i’ll pick you up and buy you a meal.”

“oh you don’t need to do all that,” i protested through the ear to ear smile that had come over me.

“too late. i’ve already committed to it,” she said as if it were her solemn duty to show me a good time. “i’ll pick you up at sundown.”

“i’ll be here.”

“good.”

neither of us turned to leave. i froze, feeling the awkwardness that remained between us. i wished she had kissed me.

“one thing before i go,” i was thankful to hear her interject. in one smooth motion she took a step as to be level with me and grabbed me by the neck. she was strong and with her other hand on my hip she easily pushed my back against the wall. and then she finally kissed me.

a bolt of electricity shot through my entire body. her lips were tender, making up for her lack of gentleness. they were parted slightly, and with the force of her face into mine i could feel her teeth on my bottom lip. for one brief second she gave into the same burning desire i had felt for hours.

i hope i never forget the expression on her face as she pulled it back from my own. she looked happy. plainly and purely and the warmth of her smile radiated outwards, illuminating parts of my inner self i hadn’t seen since childhood. i think it was in that moment i fell in love.

“goodbye for now, Billi,” she said in a dulcet tone.

“see you tomorrow, Terra,” praying she would not prove me wrong.

as she continued down the steps i watched her go. her red hair was so much more beautiful in the daylight. i took note of every complexity of the color and texture as quickly as i could, lest it be the last i saw of it. i wanted to bask in this moment. i lit a cigarette and sat in the middle of the stairwell, waiting eagerly for my armored knight to return, to rescue me from my tower and whisk me away to paradise.

3-Day Weekend Incoming!

& all the writing goals I've got planned =D

This was the worst and most tiring work week, but I somehow still managed to get Subversion Theory's new chapter up, and The Measure of Logic's should be up sometime tomorrow.

The Ithaca Mandate is nearing completion as well, and I'll be looking for beta readers for that in the near future. If you're interested in sapphic hard sci-fi romance and speculative fiction, please reach out to me.

The Farm at Wardenwood Hollow is my newbie and the lowest priority, since I haven't even finished outlining it yet, but she, too is coming along nicely ^^

Snippet of a new WIP I didn't need to start...

“What happened to your truck?”

The woman leaned a bit, like she’d just noticed the damage.

“Dunno,” she answered, leaning back with a frown. “Found it that way.”

Taryn dropped the bag in the bed, then clapped the dust from her palms.

“Looks like an animal got it.”

The woman shrugged.

“S’pose it does,” she said.

“Some kinda grizzly?” Taryn asked, crossing her arms over her chest and cocking one hip out to the side.

“Could be.”

“You don’t seem real concerned,” Taryn remarked with a lopsided smirk.

The woman shrugged again.

“Not my truck.”

Taryn didn’t say anything more for a moment, the pair of them studying the scrapes. She glanced over just once to get a glimpse of the woman, of the way she tilted her head like in thought. She should leave it alone. But she pushed anyway.

“You got cameras at your place?”

The change in the woman was immediate. Her head snapped around. Her face became edgy and hard.

“Why?” she demanded.

Taryn wasn’t ready for the sharp note of suspicion.

“You got a grizzly you prob’ly should know,” she explained. “What if it comes after you?”

The woman seemed to relax. She pulled the keys out of her pocket and spun the ring once around a finger. It landed in her palm and she closed it.

“Ain’t got grizzlies up there,” she said, and this time, she seemed almost to chuckle.

“This whole area’s got grizzlies,” Taryn countered. She waved toward the store. “My boss hit one just last week.”

Another shrug.

“Won’t hit any grizzlies drivin’ up there.”

Taryn raised her brows and gave up.

“Thanks for loadin’ me up,” said the woman, and she tossed out a light smirk and pulled on the door handle. Taryn watched as she climbed into the seat, flinching a bit when the door clattered shut. The woman looked small as she leaned out the window and glanced back at her. “See you next week.”

The truck choked for a second and then roared back to life. Black smoke spat out of the tailpipe. Taryn backed up a step, waving the cloud out of her face.

“Yeah,” she called out over the ruckus. “I’ll be here like always.”

The woman nodded, then rolled up the window. The truck clunked into gear and lurched forward. It grumbled when she reached the hill at the end of the driveway, then splashed through the pothole on the shoulder. Taryn’s eyes followed it until it disappeared behind the bend in the road, and only when the sound of its engine faded back into silence did she turn back to the mill to close up.

Imagine 002 —

Sick (Pitiful) Sevika and You

fluff & suggestive themes — men & minors dni

Sevika would be such a baby when she got sick. You’d have to check on her every 10 minutes to make sure she wasn’t having a meltdown in bed. It bothers her so much that she isn’t able to get up and do things like usual, especially things for you. She’d be restless, tossing and turning in the early mornings. Her body rarely being able to find ease or comfort unless you came in to hold her hand and press a cold compress to her forehead.

“You’re going to be fine, my love.” You’d say as you brushed her slightly damp hair back gently. “Just let me take care of things, okay?”

Sevika would groan in protest, but her shortness of breath would only allow her to scoff ever so slightly. Which would then turn into a cough and you’d shake your head gently.

“Open…”

Sevika shook her head. “I don’t need that. I just can sleep it off and”

You would cut her off for the thousandth time that day. “I said open. You won’t get better without medicine.” Your hand cupped under her chin and angled her face up to yours. You could see the pitiful nature in her grey eyes as she wanted to deny you the pleasure of taking care of her for once.

In your free hand would be the small cup of red medicine. You’d raise it up to her lips and parted your lips in demonstration. “Aaa~” you’d chime.

“I’m not a baby.” Sevika complained.

“Then open up and act like a grown up.” Your eyebrow raised and you shot her a smug look. “Or no kisses.”

“No kisses?” She’d repeat to you.

You shook your head in confirmation.

“You’re evil!” Her voice carried in a half hearted shout before another coughing fit. You’d make sure to lean back, grimacing.

“Cover your mouth…wait!” you quickly tipped the medicine into Sevikas mouth and made sure she swallowed it. Sevika made a disgusted noise and slapped the small cup out of your hand.

“You’re sick!”

“How’s your throat now? Still scratchy?” You hummed and stood up from the bed.

A moment paused between the two of you and she squinted. Of course it was better. She wouldn’t ever outwardly admit that though, but you knew it was true by the way she’d settled back under the covers.

“Uh huh…” you laughed softly before squatting down to pick up the tiny cup. “You’re lucky you’re sick. If you smack the cup out of my hand like that again, who knows what punishments I’ll inflict after you’re better.”

Sevika grumbled under her breath and grabbed her pillow. “No kisses?”

Once you stood up straight you looked towards your poor sick girlfriend under a pile of blankets. “I’ll blow you a kiss instead. I don’t know if my mean girl deserves a forehead kiss right now.”

Sevika huffed softly as she watched you blow her a quick kiss. You knew under the blanket her hand reached to catch it. After a moment she rolled to her side and let out a relaxed sound as the medicine worked its magic.

a/n: tbh I’m just trying to push my pitiful/loser vika agenda and I will be heard !! sevika definitely would rather sweat out a fever than take medicine.

A fever you can’t sweat out…not correlated but why is Time to Dance and Lying the best songs on that album…like 🫢

A musebymidnite creation

Just Stay…

Gf!Sevika x Black!Femme Reader minors and men do not interact or else i will kick your butt!

Synopsis: Sevika is hellbent on getting you to stay in bed with. She will do anything to try to make that happen.

CW: NSFW, tribbing, kissing, fingering and pussy rubbing.

As the morning sun started to rise through sheer curtains and kissed your skin, you lay there without a stir. Your body is sore, tired, and too preoccupied being acquainted with the satin sheets of Sevikas bed. Your bonnet was barely hanging in there, slipping slightly off the back of your head.

The bed shifted slightly and all you could feel was the side you were laying on sinking dipping with heavier weight. Sevika reached and pulled your bonnet up back to its rightful place. Her arm curled around your center and her mouth and nose pressed against the bare skin of your neck. A kiss ghosted the warmth of your skin softly.

“Stay…” her voice vibrated slightly against your skin, deep with the remainder of sleep that was in her body.

You stirred just barely and cracked open heavy lids. You felt another kiss move to your shoulder. “Mm- what time is it?” You knew you had to get back to your place, work didn’t stop for anyone. You really hadn’t even intended on staying the night. But, after a few drinks and a lovely cooked dinner by your dear girlfriend, the two of you ended up drunk in bed again. You were meaning to scold her for how much she let you drink, knowing you had work.

“Doesn’t matter.” Sevika reached for your hand that went to grab at your phone. “Just stay.” She said as she tucked your hand back under the covers. Her hand was free once again to pull you closer.

“I can’t stay, I have work today.” You said with what was supposed to be a stern voice but came out groggy and passive. “And you-“ you pointed your finger aimlessly in the direction behind you. “You knew that.”

“I did?” She feigned knowledge. “Call out..” Sevika began to trail soft kisses down the back of your neck, down the side, to the curve of your shoulder, and towards your arm. “Don’t make me beg.”

The sheets ruffled and you couldn’t help but let soft laugh escaped your body as Sevika moved you onto your back. Her body weighed you down, comfortably so, as she moved to lay on top of you. She was like a big teddy bear, a big muscular teddy bear. You rubbed her back gently and smiled as she clung to you like a needy cat.

“Sev, I can’t stay here all day.” She reminded her.

“You can.” You could feel her chuckle and move to kiss your neck again. “Don’t you have a hangover?”

“No, unlike you I actually drink water in between my shots…”

Sevika groaned and tucked her face back under your chin. “My baby is so responsible.” She closed her eyes and breathed you in. “You smell so good, please don’t leave. I need you to stay in these sheets forever.”

A warmth made itself apparent under your cheeks as you tried to stifle a smile. You wished she’d stay this way all the time, but the mornings were always her most vulnerable moments. You laid there quietly as she rubbed her arm against your side. Every now and then you’d go to reach for your phone and she’d swat at your hand gently.

“I’m starting to think you don’t appreciate my warmth, darling.” Sevika scoffed.

You rolled your eyes and sevika looked up at you.

“I love your warmth, but a woman has to work.”

Sevika continued her task of kissing you into staying with her all day. This time she started to suckle on the skin of your neck, nothing to make an actual mark but enough to make you moan softly every now and then. They were warm and precise. Your other hand that wasn’t stroking her arm had been locking in the gentle repetition of playing with Sevikas hair. It started to slip from the back of her hair to her shoulder. A soft sigh of relaxation left your full lips. Sevika gave a knowing chuckle as she continued to kiss lower. “Stay with me today…okay?”

You bit your bottom lip as the older one continued her burning kisses. The trail lead from between your bosom, down your tummy, towards the edge of your panties.

“Sev we can’t-“ you started but were soon cut off by the feeling of her teeth nipping at the skin of your tummy. “Hey!”

Sevika groaned and looked up at you from just under the covers. “I didn’t even bite that hard. You want it harder? Would that wake you up?” She threatened playfully before dipping back down.

You watched as she ducked under the covers. You could no longer see her but you could feel the wet warmth of her mouth as it pressed against your thin panties. You immediately shuddered and closed your legs. She took her arm and pried those pretty brown legs apart swiftly. “Fuck…you smell so good.” She nearly growled against the plush outline of your pussy in your panties. You could feel her nose press against the crack of them, inhaling your scent desperately.

“Mm…” you whimpered softly. “Stop talking like that..”

“Like what? I’m being honest…” her voice carried from under the blanket. After a beat her mouth made contact over the fabric of your soft mound.

“Ah~!” You moan out, your voice sweet like honey. “Ah…Sev I have to go-“ you shudder as Sevika moves to tear at your panties. “Oh you better not” you scolded as you lift the covers to see Sevika with part of your panties in her mouth and the other being tugged on by her one hand.

“Oh come on…” she purred and started to tear the fabric. You bristled and contemplated crunching her pretty little head between your thighs, but you knew she’d enjoy that end too much. Sevika completely ripped the fabric like a feral critter. The ripping sound of your panties should’ve pissed you off more but it only turned you on more. You attempted to scoot back from her to tease but she grabbed your leg.

“No you don’t…you’re mine.” Sevika said before pulling you back towards her and running her tongue over your soft folds. Before you could (weakly) protest, she was licking you slowly. Her hot tongue parted ebony waves as her name filled the air like a prayer. Your back arched slightly off the bed and your hand reached down once more to run your fingers through her locks.

“Oh god-“ you gasped and felt your insides do a flip as her mouth firmly planted itself around your throbbing bud. You let out a moan that would soon sweeten the prize for Sevika as she continued to delve and devour into you. Her large hand grabbed your thigh and pushed it back further, allowing more of you to be available for her.

You lifted your head off the pillow to watch. You didn’t even noticed your bonnet slipping off again, not that you’d really care at this point. You can’t help it, sleep swiftly leaving your body as the way she touches you makes you burst like a supernova. You coo out her name and it causes her to look up with those soft cool grey eyes. Her brows furrowed like a puppy begging for something from its owner. And she was begging. Begging for you to say her name like that, to coo at her your silky soft praises.

Her fingers slipped between quivering thighs and delicate dew slicked folds. The index and middle teased at your entrance in slow calculated moments. Pressing into you ever so slightly and immediately out. In, out, in, out. She was teasing at your needy entrance. You whined out her name again and let your head fall back against the pillow. Sevika panted against your soft mound as a thick string of drool trailed from it to her bottom lip.

The sweet nectar of your pussy was enough to make her drunk. Her fingers finally pushed into you, and you accepted them like a lovely gift. You reached for sevika as she pumped into you intensely but yet full of passion and attentiveness . Soft squelches and feminine whimpers filled the room, with the occasional thick groans from sevika. You managed to keep her up right as your hand gripped onto her side. She made her way up to your face once more.

“Fuck I love you…” she whined against your neck. “You’re so beautiful, so…fucking…beautiful-“ the bed creaked as she thrust against her own hand in easy syncopation. “Mine…your mine, tell me.”

“I’m yours! I’ll always be yours, oh my god!” You moaned out as Sevika started to pump fast. “That feels so good, you’re stretching me…” you nearly cried out in pleasure. Her fingers always filled you up, pressed into your most sensitive parts.

Your whole body was hot, burning even. The weight of her rested upon you as her thrusts moved your legs apart. You cupped at the back of her neck before you started to kiss at her plush lips. It was sensual and passionate the way you two kissed. Sevika always kissed you like she didn’t know how to control herself. Slow at first, both of your lips layering over one another perfectly. But soon she’d lose herself, her kissing became desperate to taste you. Her larger tongue skillfully slide with yours, taking space in your mouth. A moan erupted into the kiss once again.

“Sev please” you cooed as she thrust her fingers a bit quicker. Your hips move with her motions as well. “Sevika that feels so good you’re gonna make me come!” you managed to eek out in between paused moans and breathless gasps.

“Yeah? I can feel that you’re squeezing my fingers. Maybe if I press…here?” She curled those fingers up against that swollen little gland inside of you.

Immediately your shriek in pleasure and Sevika grins. It encouraged her to keep going, to drive her fingers into you like there was truly no day to be had. You gripped at her shoulder tightly as your thighs begged to close. Oh you are so close aren’t you? Sevika hips stuttered a little and her jaw clenched. If you weren’t so bleary you would’ve noticed how Sevika was grinding against you with every thrust of her hand, mimicking her truly being inside you. Her clit bumping against the fabric of her briefs with just enough stimuli to make her drip with arousal.

“I can’t wait. I need to feel you.” Sevika said roughly as she pushed the sheets off and climbed off the bed to tug off her underwear. .

You bit your lip as you watched her move with such urgency. Your body vibrated with excitement as you watched her climb back in bed and position herself between your legs. You couldn’t help but marvel as her body, her tight muscular waist, the small lines of veins that trailed down towards her beautiful happy trail. And her clit that poked out just a little more than yours. Sevika used your leg as an anchor to balance herself perfectly against your clit. Immediately she let out a moan as your hot centers kissed so perfectly. Your hand reached to grab her waist.

“You feel so perfect on me, Sev.” She looked up at her and encouraged her to start moving. The friction between the two of you came with ease. With every slow stroke, the way back caused both of your clits to rub together. You could see the way Sevikas abs flexed as she let out another heavy groan.

Her eyes laser focused on the way your lips parted to moan her name. The way your breath caught in your throat. How your breasts bounced slightly with every grind of her pelvis. You and her slipped against eachother lewdly. The bed creaked more and more the faster Sevika grind against you. She kissed your leg and calve as you dug your nails into her side.

“Mmm you gonna come baby? Yeah?” She chuckled as she watched your head lull to the side and your leg shake in her grasp. “Fuck you’re turning me on so much, pretty girl.”

“Yes! Please I’m so close!” Your body writhed under hers as she pressed into you more.

Her breath puffed against the skin of your calve as the two of you synced up. The two of you moaned together as the tension built up tension. “C’mon baby, give it to me…give it to me.” Sevika spoke to you with a sweet coaxing. That was all it took, your grip on her hip tightened and your hips bucked with Sevikas. A moan spilt from your lips and your hips rolled as your finished with your girlfriend. She was still riding out her orgasm with yours. Her hips slowed down eventually, every now and then there was a shudder. With heavy breath Sevika nearly collapsed on you.

She lifted her leg from yours and laid down beside you, her arm draped over your side. She had this satisfied/smug look on her face as she kissed your cheek. You turned to face her, still breathless. Sevika captured your lips in a soft and slow kiss. Your face blushed slightly when you tasted yourself on her lips. “Mmm, are you too tired to leave now?” She said as she nuzzled your neck.

“Mm, you’re so annoying..” you whined softly as she squeezed you tightly with her arm. “Are you happy now? I’m gonna be late..” but there was no anger in your words.

“I told you to call out.” Sevika replied as she leaned in for another kiss.

“Ah ah- that’s done.” You sat up and covered Sevikas mouth with your hand delicately. Her eyes darted up to yours and she held your wrist gently. She kissed your palm in slight apology. Your heart skipped a beat whenever she did little things like that. “I have to get to work, Sev. I’m serious.”

Sevika let your hand slip from hers and watched as you scooted out of her bed. Immediately she followed after you. Her gaze traced over your form, the morning sun warming the beautiful undertones of your brown skin. “There’s spare panties for you in the top drawer…” she said shyly as she grabbed the torn fabric from the spot where you previously laid.

“And don’t think I’m letting you slide after doing that.” You shot her a look before digging in the drawer.

Sevika got out of bed and swiftly tossed on some bottoms just so she could quickly help you get out the house. She helped you gather your bag and shoes. That’s one thing she enjoyed doing, being there for you — even if she was the reason you were going to be late. Sevika grabbed your slip dress and helped you get into it. When she pulled it over your shoulder and your faces met she kissed you on the nose.

“I’ll meet you downstairs.”

After a few moments you made your way downstairs where Sevika was waiting patiently. In her hand was a tumbler of coffee and a breakfast sandwich she made wrapped in tinfoil. She smiled to yourself as you approached her at the bottom of the stairs. Sevika had that soft but proud look on her face as she handed the two things off to you.

“Sorry, for making you late. I just hate to see you leave.” She said softly as she leaned down to kiss you once more. She stood straight once more and opened the door. You took a step towards the threshold.

“Thanks baby, for the coffee and sandwich.” You turned to head out and Sevika called your name one more time. You laughed and turned to face her. “What?”

“You look beautiful.”

“Oh you’re funny. In my disheveled clothes? I know you’re in love with me now.” She waved.

“Call me okay? When you get to work. And if your boss bitches at you just tell them you weren’t feeling good!” Sevika called after you. She was leaning against the railing of her porch now. She truly always had to have the last word as she watched you leave. It was bittersweet but she’d see you again.

“Alright alright!” She laughed again before getting into your car and pulling out of the driveway.

Sevika waved as you disappeared down the street.

It didn’t take that long for her to call you however. You clicked the button on the touchscreen of your car and answered.

“Hello?”

“I love you.” Sevika said to you tenderly.

You smiled. “I love you too.”

“You know you can always still call out and..”

“Yeah, no. Bye Sev.” you chimed before hanging up.

a/n - yipee I finally posted something !! and the crowd goes…wild hopefully! I hope people enjoyed this, please like/reblog if you so choose. I have like 30 fics that I’m working on but would also be open to suggestions

divider by @/steviebbboi

a musebymidnite creation