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James Bond - Blog Posts
Vesper Confesses AU
They spent the day in the sunshine on the deck of the yacht, but now they’re tucked safe below, resting together in the cozy, lamp-lit bunk-space. They’ve been trading little secrets back and forth, both of them too sun-drowsed to be bothered with sex. He knows about her first kiss and her mother’s alcoholism. She knows about his parents’ deaths, that girl at Eton, and his most embarrassing moment during Six training.
It’s her turn to go, and she’s been quiet for a long while, so long he’s not sure they’re playing the game anymore. Finally she sits up, her back a tense line against the headboard, and says, “James.” Her mouth trembles. “I need to tell you something.”
James swallows. “You don’t have to,” he says carefully, hearing the fear and the dull resignation in Vesper’s voice. If only nothing could spoil their happiness; if only Vesper could pretend that all was well again.
But Vesper is brave, sensible, and ruthless. “I don’t have to say anything,” she agrees. “In fact, I planned not to. But I find that I need to. And I need you to promise that you won’t interrupt. You won’t say a word, not until I’m finished. Understood?”
“Completely,” James says, his heart sinking into his stomach. What will he hear?
Mostly, however, he’s relieved. They’ll finally have it out, this thing that’s had Vesper twitching at shadows, pasting on a smile like he can’t see that something’s wrong.
He’s played pretend in his relationships for all his life, and Vesper is the first person to make him feel like honesty could be enough.
Please, let it be enough.
***
“It was a trick,” Bond says afterward, numb. What will he do? But first, she has to know– “They didn’t really have him. Yusef. You know that, right?”
For the first time since she started speaking, Vesper turns to him. “No, I heard him!” she says, anger flashing in her eyes. “They played me his–you don’t want to know the things I heard him going through!”
How can he tell her?
But Vesper is brave, ruthless, and sensible. She needs to know.
And it’s his turn now, anyway.
“One of the first missions they send potential double-ohs on is a seduction mission,” Bond says dully. “It’s intentionally long-term; could last up to a year if you’re unlucky. Meant to be a soft introduction to undercover fieldwork. And the goal is this: to make someone in a critical position fall in love with you. To begin a strong relationship with that person. And then to convince that person that you’ve been kidnapped and will only be kept safe in exchange for valuable information, sabotage, and favors.”
Vesper’s hand comes up to her mouth. A high-pitched sound stays trapped in her throat. “You–”
“I succeeded,” Bond says, closing his eyes. “Like he did. I’m sure of it. What you said, it’s right out of the training manual. Even the necklace–we’re told to give the target a token of physical affection, something they can wear every day, so they never forget who they’re tied to.” He hesitates. “I gave mine a ring.”
***
He spends the rest of the night sitting on the cold wooden deck outside, going over all of it in his mind. What she’s done. What he’s done. What they’ve been through.
Can he love a spy?
When it’s put like that, he laughs a bitter laugh. Of course he can. To do otherwise would be hypocritical, wouldn’t it? And he does. When he puts the fury and hurt aside, he admires her all the more. If she hadn’t said anything, she would have succeeded. He’s sure of it.
A scared woman in a trap, and she would have out-maneuvered him in order to save him, and let the steel jaws close in on herself.
Poor bitch. Poor, brilliant bitch.
***
He makes scrambled eggs the next morning. It helps him think.
Vesper, silent, glances up at him in between writing in a journal.
“If you could do anything,” Bond asks, serving the plates up, “what would it be? Your ideal future.”
Vesper eyes him closely, her pen unmoving on her page, before answering. “I would want the two of us to be doing good work and to be happy. Either together, or separately. And you?”
James takes a deep breath. “It seems to me we have two concerns,” he says. “Our own safety, and our country’s. We could go to M and ask for her protection. She would be better able to justify it to her superiors if we brought along a bargaining chip–the contact who was going to meet you in Venice. Once we get him, we can begin eliminating the rest of his organization–anyone who would know enough to want to kill you. And after that…after that, we’ll be free to do anything. Go anywhere.”
Free like he thought they were yesterday, before…before everything. He’s still got the draft of his resignation letter saved in a file. Maybe someday he’ll get to pull it out again.
Vesper taps her pen against the side of her cheek, considering. “You’re never giving me a ring,” she says finally. “Or a necklace. In fact, no jewelry. And you’re to keep your hair short so I can never have a lock of it.”
James grimaces. The hair thing had been in the handbook too. His own hair has always been too short for it, thank fuck. “I can do that,” he says. “And in return, you’ll tell me whenever you’re planning something suicidal and self-sacrificing again. The only lamb that needs skewered here is me, remember?”
For the first time in hours, Vesper’s lips quirk up into a shadow of their usual smugness. “You may have a point.”
“So, we’re doing this?” James asks.
“These are dangerous people,” Vesper says. It’s not quite an objection.
James reaches for her hand across the table. “So are we,” he says, looking into her eyes.
She squeezes his hand. “All right,” she says. “That’s it, then. We’re going to capture Mr. White and take my life back.” Her mouth sets with determination. “And I know just how to do it.” She taps the journal. “Starting with this.”
Of course she’s got a plan. James smiles. She might be a bitch, but she’s James’s brilliant, brave, ruthless, sensible bitch, and he wouldn’t have her any other way.
Moran to Albert: you're fucking sly damnass!
Louis to Moran: yes? You're an idiot who thinks everything will be the way you want it. WELCOME TO REALITY!
Moran: I'm leaving and taking Fred with me.
Bond: I think the Monopoly is over...
Albert: wait what? I just bought a winery. What do you mean finished?
I was sorting out my old notbooks, and I found a copy of my 10th year play (Iwas in theatre class) and I found out the name of the author was Tiago Rodrigues .
Anyway my current James Bond hyperfixation was startled and it's been going wild in my brain since a week
So I think I should write a theatre play, whose name would be : of the inherent homoeroticism of performative masculinity action movies
But do I have the motivation ? No. So it will stay at this format.
It's the third time I see this on my dash so I feel like I had to comment. Like seriously... you put Daniel Craig and Mads Mikkelsen together in a nude torture scene and then you complain that it's getting kinky ? Girl...
bro...what we could have had..
His male cia contact, hiding tears as he sees bond fuck a woman in space: please notice me senpai (;﹏;)
How is James bond not dead yet. He's so easily distracted. Just put some skimpily clad woman in front of him and wham. Dead. Easy.
How is James bond not dead yet. He's so easily distracted. Just put some skimpily clad woman in front of him and wham. Dead. Easy.
JAMES BOND DRARRY! Seriously, hit me up with all of the 00Q or more Drarry like this because this has awoken a need in me.
Fic: Double-Oh Potter
Title: Double-Oh Potter Creator: Anonymous Prompt: #141 Career Theme: Draco - Quartermaster | Harry - 007 Rating: Explicit Warnings/Content Notes: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Post-Hogwarts, Ex-Auror Harry Potter, Harry Potter Does Sleep With Others as an Agent, Honeypot Missions, Car Sex, Voyeurism Summary: Harry knew he needed something different, something outside the Ministry. When a chance at the muggle secret service came up, he jumped immediately. He never expected the voice in his ear would be Draco Malfoy. Word Count: 5,838 Creator’s Notes: Thank you so much to VendelynSilverhawk for the constructive feedback and wonderful responses as a beta. ( Double-Oh Potter )
putin is just a smoother, vaseline-enhanced form of daniel craig. discuss
please stop saying that daniel craig's james bond has no personality. he does, and it is called heinous bitch
just watched no time to die spoiler alert he did, in fact, find time to die
Becoming Q -- Best FanVid Ever
OH MY GOD, the 00Q fandom is INCREDIBLE.
I accidentally found this creative vid from 2015 that combines London Spy, James Bond, AND SHERLOCK with the headcanon of Q being the youngest Holmes brother.
I’ve never really been able to see Danny from London Spy as Q before (the characters are so different), but NOW I can just imagine it – Q hiding his hacking skills from Alex (imagine that scene with Alex’s surprise if/when he finds out Q’s skills are almost on par with his own, hah), partying a lot, and working an ordinary job and pretending to not be as smart as he really as.
Then imagine him meeting Alex, getting into the trouble with the events from London Spy (the details about Danny’s parents will have to be tweaked slightly to fit the story), and then – and then – rescued by Mycroft and drafted into the Q-branch division at MI6.
Only thing I’m not sure about is whether in this headcanon Alex is really dead, or whether he turns up later (when Q and Bond are finally dating after a terribly slow burn, maybe?) and that causes lots and lots of angst.
I’m almost tempted to write this myself. Almost.
Anyway, the vid was great. Good choice of music and gave me chills. Applause to the creator.
please please please oh my god i will never shut up about him
AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON on set of his new movie called ‘Fuze’ (2025).
A novel with questions.
Sam Hook left the Navy SEALS for a new career as a professional golfer. He meets new friends that found bundles of cash floating in the Atlantic. The owners want their money back. What move does Sam make?
My goal is showing up at a book festival and be one of the headline authors.
A James Bond type thriller, taking a trip around the world to find Moneypenny.
Why not explore the idea of what would Bond do if Spectre kidnaps Moneypenny?
Selling a book is not as easy as it looks.
The world is never safe. How much will it take to get the worlds attention?
Source: unknown
Skyfall Review
History has a way of defining a person, place, or thing. There are two extremes to dealing with history - embracing it or burning it down. The history of the James Bond film series is no exception, and the 50th anniversary of the release of Dr. No serves as a milestone for reflection on the series' history. Two films define the series' dichotomous directions - From Russia With Love and Goldfinger. From Russia With Love is the quintessential spy film - James Bond as a soldier for Great Britain, while Goldfinger is the quintessential spy movie - James Bond as a hero for the people. Both present the series at its finest, and every subsequent film contain elements of both with varying results. The rest of the best of the series - On Her Majesty's Secret Service, The Spy Who Loved Me, Goldeneye, and Casino Royale - were near-perfect balances of Russia and Goldfinger. With Casino Royale, the history of the film series was scuttled and refreshed successfully, telling the story of Bond as a neophyte coming to terms with the cost of being the soldier and hero. Quantum of Solace followed, and while parts of the film were well done, the overall result lacked the spark expected from a Bond film. Skyfall, the 23rd entry in the James Bond film series, brings back the fun of the series while keeping the depth that Casino Royale brought, resulting in another near-perfect balance. James Bond, after a failed mission that starts the film briskly, goes into self-imposed retirement, dealing with his failings as an agent and the failings of his superiors. An attack at MI6 headquarters pushes him to return to the fold. However, the star agent struggles to reintegrate into the spy life - his talents have worn down, and his emotions are unstable. The impending world threat, a former MI6 agent named Silva, allows Bond slowly to gain his abilities and self-confidence. Along the way, he sees the toll the threat has on his boss, M, who is dealing with an internal investigation on her from her superiors. As the threat grows, Bond and M have no choice but to escape to Bond's family estate, Skyfall, and Bond has to face his past and his possible future. That's a lot of plot points and thematic elements for a Bond film, but Skyfall never loses its focus, and all of the pieces come together in an impressive and fashion. The script by Neal Purvis, Robert Wade, and John Logan is superb. Constructed as a traditional Bond film, it has a deep respect for the history of the film series, yet it continues the deep emotional strides made with Casino Royale. As traditional of a Bond film as the structure is, the writers made sure to defy expectations, peppering the structure with shocks and surprises, and the shocks never come at expected moments. Even better is that the writers weren't afraid to pursue dark and challenging moments, be it the opening chase sequence, Silva's attack during M's hearing, and the final assault at Skyfall. Purvis, Wade, and Logan found the perfect balance of the classic and the modern with their script. The actors reinforce the emotional depth with excellent performances, never squandering any moments. As the expected "Bond Girl" of the film, Bérénice Marlohe is a wonderful blend of sexiness and fragility. Her character is removed from the equation just as she is getting interesting, the only real flaw of the film, but her moments with Bond are electrifying, filled with chemistry. If Marlohe had been given more on-screen time, she would have been just as memorable as the rest of the cast, but she provides the audience with a good Bond girl. Naomie Harris infuses Eve, a fellow agent of Bond's, with strength and independence. Eve has a sexiness about her, not just in her beauty but in her wit and reliability as an agent. Her moments with Bond are fun and saucy, and Harris will be able to build off of this great role since it is hinted that she will be a recurring character. In a small but vital role, Albert Finney provides a strong foundation in the final act of the film as Kincade, the gamekeeper of Skyfall. He gives Kincade a lived-in quality, someone who has seen the fall of the Bond family and is determined to keep the Bond history alive, however small of a life it may be. He is a window to Bond's past, and Finney is an excellent mix of tragedy and levity. Ben Whishaw is a delight as Q, the quartermaster of MI6 and Bond's armorer. He is as mentally active in the mission as Bond is physically, and his dry, quick wit cuts through Bond without hesitation. The chemistry between Bond and Q is undeniable, and with some of the dark turns the film takes, Whishaw is a welcome relief and fits perfectly into the Bond universe. Ralph Fiennes is authoritative as Gareth Mallory, M's boss as the Chairman of Intelligence and Security Committee. He's introduced as the governmental figure who rebels like Bond and M frustrate, but as the film progresses, his shades of grey are developed, becoming someone who fully understands M's struggle between fulfilling governmental duty while being an independent thinker. Fiennes is another wonderful addition to the cast, and with his role being hinted at as recurring, he will be able to grow into the universe. The Bond villain is a role that is known to attract fine actors, but sometimes the role doesn't live up to the actor who plays it. This is not the case with Javier Bardem as Silva. He's already played an iconic cinematic villain as Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men, and his Silva is destined to become an iconic Bond villain. Theatrical but infused with terror, Silva is never underestimated. His approach to torture is more psychological, and he brings the audience to the brink with how successful he is with his plot. This may be the first Bond villain in a long time who makes the audience feel like he could win, or at least force Bond into a pyrrhic victory. As commanding and deadly as Red Grant and Rosa Klebb in From Russia With Love and as theatrical as Auric Goldfinger in Goldfinger, Silva stands among the finest Bond villains, and Bardem should take almost all of the credit for it. Judi Dench has been M since Goldeneye, but this film may be her shining moment as Bond's boss and the head of MI6. She has a personal connection to Silva, and she has a close relationship to Bond. The terror and disappointment in her eyes when sharing scenes with Silva is amazing - she shows so much history with the villain without ever digging into the backstory, and it takes a lot of skill to be able to show that history without telling it. Even more impressive is that she never takes over a scene when she isn't required, and her scenes at Skyfall are just tremendous. M is trying to come to terms with her failings as a leader throughout, but Dench not only allows M to deal with these failings but also reinforce why she was the only leader who could have shaped Bond into who he is and trust him unconditionally. In his third outing as James Bond, Daniel Craig has fully ingrained himself into the legendary spy. He was a blunt instrument in Casino Royale and a vengeful warrior in Quantum of Solace, but in Skyfall, the spy life has taken its toll on him. Craig has only been Bond in three films, but he carries a sense of torrid history not seen in any of the previous Bond actors. He doubts himself and his superiors, but he knows that the mission is most important and strives to overcome his doubts. What he sees in Silva is his own possible future, while a reference to Skyfall and his eventual return to his family's estate hints at his tortured past. Bond is a man who is coming to terms with the loss his past contains while learning to appreciate the future M gave him, all the while containing the wit and class the character has had for the past 50 years. His delivery of the one-liners still needs a little work, but that's a minor quibble compared to how fantastic Craig is as Bond, reinforcing his place as the second-best Bond, and arguably giving Connery competition as the best Bond ever. The music has always been important in a Bond film, and Thomas Newman's score is a perfect blend of classicism and progressivism. The James Bond Theme is prevalent as it should be, but some of the more progressive touches are welcome. There are moments when the music becomes a cousin to the works of Brian Eno, focusing on ambient overtones from electronic instruments. The balance between past and future is expertly captured by Newman's score, but the microcosm is at its finest with the theme song sung by Adele. It's as if Shirley Bassey has been properly updated for the 21st century, which may be the highest compliment any Bond theme song could receive, and it stays in the head and gets into your soul. A special note must be made about the cinematography by Roger Deakins. His work in Skyfall elevates the film into a visual work of art. He's worked consistently with the Coen Brothers, and he loves to play with colors. Just look at the vivid yellows of Turkey, the blues of Shanghai, the reds and browns of Macau, and the greys and stone-like tones of the United Kingdom. It is a master class in color-focused cinematography, and the framing is a perfect mix of grand and personal. Deakins' work on Skyfall is nothing short of legendary. Sam Mendes was the biggest wild card in the film as the director. Winning an Academy Award for his directorial debut, American Beauty, Mendes is known as a dramatic director with no experience with action scenes, and some of his works have been considered pretentious. However, Skyfall has no pretentions - Mendes makes sure it is the event film it is meant to be. He structures the film as a traditional Bond film - a three-act work with a prologue and epilogue - and the film is the second-longest film in the series, but it is wonderfully paced, never overstaying its welcome nor having an overabundance of action or drama. Everything feels necessary, allowing the audience to become fully invested in the film. He knows how to work with the actors, and he understands what will make the biggest impacts. The series has had classy directors before, but no one as unique as Mendes, and his artful eye does wonders for the film and the series. Skyfall is a traditional Bond film with significant depth, heart, and soul. It has the expert tension of From Russia With Love, the fun of Goldfinger and The Spy Who Loved Me, and the emotional consequences of On Her Majesty's Secret Service and Casino Royale. It pays homage to the series' history while looking and moving forward, and it presents a story about the importance of history and the understanding that one may be defined by his or her past but is not controlled by it. Skyfall is the closest a Bond film has ever come to being an art film, and it sits alongside the best in the series and the best in the genre. Movie Rating: 9.5/10 A somewhat underutilized Bond girl is a minor gripe to what may be one of the most thrilling action films since the turn of the century. Film Rating: 9/10 A Bond film that acts as a successful commentary on the effects of individual history with superb music and visuals that match the themes. Bond Film Rating: 10/10 Another classic that stands alongside From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, The Spy Who Loved Me, Goldeneye, and Casino Royale.
Bond Rating: 9.5/10 Although the delivery of some of the one-liners still needs a little work, Daniel Craig not only reinforces how effective he is as Bond, but he also arguably matches Connery's status as the greatest Bond.
Review: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Rating: 9.5 of 10
I've never really admit it before but I've always loved kid-becomes-spy movies like Spy Kids (2001), Agent Cody Banks (2003), and Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker (2006), even if quality is sometimes secondary. For me they're the ultimate wish-fulfillment: to be young with a very cool secret, gadgets, weapons, the ability to kick ass and escape from our boring lives, and maybe even get a pretty girlfriend along the way. And in Kingsman: The Secret Service, we could be very, very British too—which is always a code for being damn classy.
Before we start, although I did mention the (family-friendly) movies above, I have to remind some audiences that Kingsman is in fact closer to Wanted (2008) and Kick-Ass (2010) (fun fact: all three were based on Mark Millar's graphic novels but I won't open that can of worms), with the latter also directed by Kingsman's and X-Men: First Class (2011)'s director, Matthew Vaughn. If you are not familiar with those films, basically what they have in common is that they all have genuinely fun, inventive—borderline wacky but definitely cathartic—action and violence. It's not overly bloody or anything (most of them consist of quick-cuts or scenes that are so stylized they're beautiful) but it does require you to at least crack a smile when people's heads are blown off, otherwise you're missing half the fun. But don't worry, they're the bad guys.
The kid in question is Gary or Eggsy (Taron Egerton), whose father trained to become Kingsman but died when he was little. Agent Galahad (Colin Firth) is grateful of Eggsy's father for saving his life and wanted to return the favor by taking Eggsy into Kingsman too. And hence began young Eggsy's training to become a proper British spy.
And when I say British, I really do mean British. I don't know what it is about England (maybe a leftover from the popularity of James Bond), but the best fictional spies are frequently from that side of the pond. With Kingsman it's easy to see why. There's something reassuring (and effortlessly cool) that our hidden saviors are good-mannered gentlemen in exquisite suits with respect for top-shelf bourbon and impeccable gunwork. They have Arthurian code-names and weapons disguised as umbrellas, it doesn't get much more British than that. Colin Firth, our resident dapper Englishman, is surprisingly badass as Agent Galahad. Egerton is also brilliant as a working class kid trying to survive in the streets of London—also quintessentially British, in another way.
The movie (and Matthew Vaughn himself) states its love to "old" spy movies before the dark, grim, and gritty era: back when those movies actually had fun and less tortured, complete with its trademark crazy villains with crazier plans. The villain in this movie is Samuel L. Jackson with a lisp and name like Richmond Valentine, accompanied always by his false-legged killer butler/bodyguard. If that's not an old-Bond movie logic, I don't know what is. While expressing its love to old movies, Kingsman always felt new and shiny. It doesn't bow down to tropes and it really is a testament to the strength of the script that I never once felt like anyone is save, ever (and people do die in this movie). The action sequences are as exciting as they are beautiful, and they also have good use of music in action scenes, not unlike Kick-Ass whose soundtrack I loved.
TL;DR All in all, if you like good action movie, or just plain fun movie, you owe it to yourself to see this film. Just look at those gifs (or trailer). They're glorious.
18+ !! <3 coming to theatres soon...
bond.. james, bond. ✧ .・smoke & mirrors, dirty martinis, garters, british accents, disguises, seduction, elevator sex, suicide pills, rome, revolvers, aston martins, gentle love, body worshipping, casinos, chandeliers, cigars, holding his arm instead of his hand, gloved hands, fake passports, false identities.
these boots are made for walking, nancy sinatra
bulletproof, la roux
i belong to you, caro emerald
toxic las vegas, britney spears & elvis presley
i know places, taylor swift
heads will roll, yeah yeah yeahs
why dont you do right, julie london
fawn ✧ .・eighteen, leo ☉ aquarius ☾ libra ↑, she/her, oceania based, addicted to making niche spotify playlists, peppermint tea enthusiast, comfy and warm 24/7, would live in a cinema if deemed socially acceptable, i <3 t.s.
who im planning on writing for in the future: ✧ .・
aaron hotchner (criminal minds), spencer reid (criminal minds), simon riley (call of duty), stephen strange (marvel) tom riddle (the hp universe) + john wick (john wick hehe), joel miller (tlou), james 007 bond (james bond) + potentially more, and open to requests <3
my rules
my masterlist
anon emojis (if people would like that <3)
all likes, comments and reblogs highly appreciated, you would make my day <33
fawn's masterlist ✧ .・
criminal minds
✧ aaron hotchner (coming soon!)
✧ spencer reid (coming soon!)
call of duty
✧ simon riley (coming soon!)
marvel
✧ stephen strange (coming soon!)
the hp universe
✧ tom riddle (coming soon!)
james bond
✧ james bond (coming soon!)
tlou
✧ joel miller (coming soon!)
john wick
✧ john wick (coming soon!)
Bonded Universe
The Aston Martin was bigger on the inside as James Bond was crawling towards it. The door was stiff but a quick flash of his Sonic Q-driver was enough and it dutifully popped open. His whole body glowed in a mass of swirling energy. He was regenerating. This wasn't the first time. In fact he had been through this twice before. The bland and stilted features of the second Agent, Lazenby morphed into the debonair figure of the 3rd Spy. He was James Bond once again. There were still so many mysteries to solve from his last adventure, like the origin of the oldest game in the universe, 'I-Spy'. He felt the top of his head. "Hair? Check." He placed a hand on his throat, "Suave, urbane voice?" Check. He raised his eyebrow knowingly with a distinct hint of camp. "Eyebrow? Check. I can raise my eyebrow now. Eyebrows are cool."
MoneyPondy was still amazed at the dimensional impossibility of the vehicle. "An amazing car, this!" She rasped in her Scottish accent, scowling a little as she always did. James sighed. "It's pronounced Cardis, Pond." "What? Are we in Cardiff...again?!" she asked. James shooed away the question. "Hardly, we can go anywhere on the planet which has a secret underground base or nefarious organisations. But that's most places as you can see." James' movement became erratic as further regeneration energy was still being expelled. "Woah, something is definitely off with this one. I haven't had this difficult a change, in what feels like an EON." He looked at his watch which caused him further pain. He lunged forward and balanced himself on his Cardis steering wheel. Another huge flash of energy started to build up but this was the start of an even more unusual effect. James began to scream in pain as a distinct figure seemed to splinter off from his own. Bond slumped down again as this new being got its bearings. It was a man whose face was not that dissimilar to an Easter Island statue. There stood the more traditional 11th Doctor. "Hello everyone!". He looked at MoneyPondy. "Is that you Amy? You're dressed like a secretary. You're not a kissogram again are you?" James Bond thumbed his Walter PPK, eyeing up the intruder. "And you are old sport?" "I'm the Doctor. Call me 0011 if it makes you more comfortable. I'm guessing you're...." Mondypondy laughed. "Hush, he lives to say it." "Bond, James Bond. You can trust me. I'm the Spy. But how did you...come out of..well..me?" "A-ha! I'm the Doctor. I'm bigger than any story. Actually I'm just being facetious. When I realised what was going on and that I would be subsumed into your being, I took a Rolex and fashioned it into a crude Fob watch. I used it to store my personality and in a feat of extraordinary metaphysical engineering I tied it directly into the Tardis or Cardis data core to rematerialise me at a certain point. Like an alarm. The next time you checked your watch, the core would pull me apart from you and restore my memories. I'm like the radio that turns on with the alarm." The Doctor trudged around the room in a panic. "Fusion! Franchise Fusion. Of course! The Tardis is trying to import or graft itself on to something else.." Noting Bonds tuxedo attire he paused for a second, "Nice bowtie." "What are you going on about 11?" Bond was confused while the Doctor was in one of his trademark frantic rants. "Usually I'm good with explanations. No, wait. Scratch that. I'm terrible. My two hearts aren't in it when I'm explaining stuff for too long. I'm from another universe. Well, not exactly. Parts of my universe are here." He pointed to his left. "Like I definitely recognise that chair." MoneyPondy grimaced further. "Can you slow down? You're not giving me a chance to insert the right amount of innuendo." James chimed it. "You can always insert my.." The Doctor was exasperated. "Right, right. Ok. You two want to be all humanly with each other. That's great. Put up a balloon. We have bigger things to worry about. Like the end of our two universes." Bond adjusted his cuff links. "To be honest I don't know what to make of any of this. The last time the universe was in danger, I dealt with it, with no small amount of style it must be said. Ernst Davros Blofeld had a giant infinity bomb and..." The Doctor interrupted him. "Look back where I'm from. This girl called River has done a thing and that's caused another thing and basically that whole universe is dying. So the Tardis has tried to plug the holes of the universe with anything it could find. Every adventure we ever had, as separate beings are being forced together in a total event collage." "An event collage?" MoneyPondy sneered. "Why would that happen?" "Isn't it obvious? Well to anyone 900 years plus, it should be. The Tardis scanned any nearby stimuli to find elements to incorporate into the broken universe. Rory had a James Bond Box Set. In a multi-verse of infinite possibilities a universe where this piece of fiction actually exists must be out there. The Tardis would automatically seek out some sort of commonality. Although we're not that alike are we Mr.Bond?" "Well from what I know Doctor. We both have impeccable style. We are both British Institutions, we go through many female...ahem...assistants and we both..." "Regenerate. We become new people but remain constant! YES! That's it. Oh I am going to bloody kill River..." Bond dropped his wry tone for a moment. "River? I know a River. I mean I knew her. She...passed away. River Lynd. My first great passion." The Doctor smirked and slyly remarked. "First great passion huh? She'd love that..." Suddenly another woman walked into the Cardis front seat room. "James my love...?" MoneyPondy was incensed. "WHO IS THAT?" "That's Ms. Moans. A Ms. Martha Moans." This caused the Doctor to spin off into another tizzy. "NO! No! No! Can't you see what's happening? The deterioration is already beginning. Martha Moans?! That's not even a clever innuendo name!" Bond replied. "I assure you Doctor. Her name is entirely apt." The Doctor exhaled. "Oh Bond. I'm a fan of you as an idea but I can't say I agree with everything about your character. I met your creator once actually. Ian Fleming. Nice fella. Stubborn though. Got angry with me when I told him he shouldn't name that story 'Quantum of Solace'.." "Doctor, we'll head back to M(offat) Branch and await our orders. Brigadier Boothroyd Lethbridge Quebert could be a great asset here..."
Pond mumbled. "That name is quite a mouthful." Bond couldn't resist adding. "I'll tell you what else is a mouthful.." The Doctor was starting to get frustrated at the repartee. "STOP IT! We need to find a way to disentangle our universes. The internal logic of this place isn't strong enough to handle such an awkward amalgamation. Any slight unbalance and we could lose it all." The crackle of a vortex manipulator was heard and Martha was joined by a shadowy figure. She addressed the visitor. "You're right. They're BOTH here." A maniacal laughter began to sound and the figure stepped slowly into the light. "GoldMaster!" exclaimed Bond. "Oh yes. Fun! Fun! The Doctor and the Spy. From Gallifrey to Skyfall. It's all been leading us to this moment. I've retained my memories of both universes and I have to say this awkward fusion is my kind of world." He held a key with a central locking control and pressed it. The door of the Aston Martin slid open and two Gold-plated Daleks entered the Cardis. The Doctor looked at Martha. "Why are you working for him?" Bond interjected. "It's classic for my universe old chap. There's always a good girl and a bad one. No use in "moan"-ing about it now." Martha taunted her ex lover. "Bet you haven't been this disappointed since Bad Jaws Bay." What happened there?" The Doctor asked. "My..wife Tracy Tyler got trapped in an alternate universe with my Connery incarnation. These things happen." The Doctor nodded knowingly. "Enough of this talk. Doctor, you are going to steer this Cardis back to the creation of the universe. I mean this universe is fine.." He looked around as he continued. "But I think it could use...a Midas touch." "You expect me to do that?" 11 snapped back. "No Doctor I expect you to die! Oh and keep coming back and dying again. I never get tired of that. Now come on. You know what they say 'No guts, no McClory!'" A Gold Dalek fired a beam that knocked MoneyPondy back towards the wall. "Now drive this Cardis for me or the next time...I'll give her a proper Gold Star." The Spy cradled the wounded MoneyPondy. "You'll be ok." She could barely speak but whispered. "Promise me, I'll be ok. Promise me on something that matters." Bond thought for a second. "I promise on Albert Broccoli and Custard." She gave little smile before falling into unconsciousness. Angered Bond whipped out his gun and aimed it at GoldMaster. "Now there are two things I never miss. A golden opportunity or what I target with this gun. In this case they're the same thing." A serious expression appeared on GoldMaster's face. "None of you understand it. What I go through every day. The music. I hear it all the time. This cacophony of brass and drums. Over and Over again. 'Ba-da ba-da ba ba da dahhh bahhh ba-da bum..' It haunts me." "Welcome to the 'Theme'" came another unseen voice behind GoldMaster and Martha They were were both struck with a sonic lipstick blast. "Solitaire Jane Smith, to the rescue!" She stood there confident with a robotic dog next to her. The markings on him read MI-6. He blasted the two daleks. Delighted to see her Bond quipped. "You always were a master of the 'kiss off'." She approached Bond. "Solitaire is tired of playing a lonely game..." "Well Ms. Smith I always did find you...dalek-table." They embraced and began to kiss passionately. The Doctor ran over to the Cardis controls. "Ok. I have an idea of how to dislodge us but...it's risky." Bond and Solitaire joined him at the controls. "The mistake my Tardis made..,"The Doctor explained, "is that she tried to mix the elements in such a way that they made a bit of sense. And now she's stirring it all in a big pot of narrative nonsense. Our only hope is to drive this Cardis back into our first moments. The opening adventures. The nexus point from where our legends began." He pushed a number of buttons and pulled on several levers. "We're going back to 'An Unearthly Casino'. The shock of us landing right back where it all started should be enough to shake us loose." "So what you're saying Doctor is that this shared universe of ours is a bit like a martini. It must be..." The Doctor and Bond spoke in unison. "SHAKEN NOT STIRRED!!" Bond and the Doctor smiled at one another. "Geronimo!", they both said at the same time. And with that a flash of light and The Doctor awoke back on the Tardis. He could overhear Amy and Rory arguing about James Bond. "C'mon Amy, we'll just watch one. 'The Spy who Loved me.' It's a good one! Moore is fantastic in it" "Rory, we are in a spaceship that can go anywhere in space and time. Isn't that enough escapism for you? Do we really have to watch Bond?" "You're Scottish. You should love it." The Doctor appeared. "Alright Kids. I'm dropping you guys home for a bit. I have something I have to do." "Can't we help?" Amy inquired. "Afraid not Pond." Rory spoke up. "You're saying No, to us Doctor?" "Indeed. you should call me Doctor No!" ****************************************************************************************** River was lying on a bed in her cell at Stormcage when the familiar sound of the Tardis stirred her. "Hello Professor Song." "Doctor," she beamed back at him. "What would you say River, if I called you 'dalek-table'?" River was unimpressed. "What are you on about?" "Ha." The Doctor walked towards her. "I saved the universe again. You messed it up but you don't remember." "I'll take your word for it sweetie. So where are we off to tonight?" He took Rivers hand in his own. "I was thinking we'd stay in tonight." "You realise this is a cell right? I'm not much of a hostess." "Ha yes, but after saving the universe, paying my respects to an iconic character and having to put up with many groan inducing double entendres I was thinking...Isn't it about time I, just to cool off now...I...dove into my nearest River?" He took her in his arms. "Ohhh Doctor..." The Doctor and James Bond will return in... "From Rassilon, With Love"
