It Irks Me - Blog Posts

Felt. Seen. Heard. Not to mention how guilt for commuting minor misdeeds and getting reprimanded feels like someone sticking hot iron in your central nervous system.

Like I know it’s not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but before I spent almost a decade in therapy, shame and guilt and embarrassment were so visceral that the feeling was unbearable, beyond the point of a physical cringe, but to the degree that I felt the need to flee, to run and hide. Remove myself from whatever is causing the sensation post-haste.

They still are sometimes. Not often, but occasionally they still are.

Do you know how hard it is to “be yourself” when the very concept of potentially even feeling embarrassed reminds you of being splashed with boiling water? When I want to dance or sing, or feel or do something in front of people out of goofiness or joy, but the fear of feeling embarrassed at all stops you? The fear of a misstep? The fear of other people’s thoughts? The ones you can’t hear, but god, you know they’re there?

It’s awful.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve ever been unapologetically myself outside of my room, if anyone has ever even truly seen me and my mind work like a clock made of glass, or if I present myself to the world as a shard of a shell, not even a sliver of who I am for fear of my own embarrassment.

see realistically i'm aware that people often block others for minor things that have no moral standing. this is a healthy and normal thing to do to curate your online experience. i do this myself. however, when i've been blocked by someone it's clearly because i've committed some deep immoral sin that they've uncovered and it's only a matter of time before it comes out and everyone turns against me for my horrible actions. obviously.