I Am Sad - Blog Posts

Devotion

I wonder if anyone has studied me in the ways I’ve studied you,

Faithfully cataloging every habit and hobby and quirk,

Because to be known is to be loved, and how i love you,

The great loves of my life, my sisters, friends, and not quite lovers,

I wish to cradle you close, in the palm of my hand.

Every act of creation is done with you in mind,

A gift, made with the hope of being treasured by you,

To make you understand the depths of my love,

I try to cry out, “see, see how i know you! See how i love you!”

But speaking the words is a difficult task that leaves me vulnerable,

To a rejection i couldn’t face if you didn’t know or understand,

The depths of my love.

So i’ll choke on the blooms of my love for all of you,

The great loves of my life, become part of me,

In lilies and peonies and lavender, crawling up my lungs,

And i would gladly die, just for the thought of having given you,

The hope, the feeling, or even the faintest notion,

That you were loved.

I want to be like a cat, I want to sleep and eat all day without any struggles or consciousness whatsoever. Too bad im a human and I have to deal with all these problems and social anxiety.

JDJDJEJW You didn’t have to come for me like that

do you imagine yourself as the whumpee when you read whump fiction or are you okay?

This made me realise that I tend to pick apart people in real life the same way. Like, why did they do this? Why not that? Why? Why? Why? And of course that's my own method of coping, but also it is a result of being able to see potentiality, and how things could have been just a little different and how that would have made so much difference. Which is also, now that I think about it, a coping mechanism. If things could have been different then there is still hope that they might be different someday. But if not, then it hurts so much, it's so senseless that I got hurt just because someone else was having A Day. I love Aus for that reason too. Everything can be made better. And I can conjure gratitude by assuring myself that atleast it's not as bad as it could be.

as much as I enjoy reading discourse on why this person and that person did that in mdzs, sometimes I feel like we think too much on them and it really is just… the characters are just… human… (referencing people in the main cast) They do things whatever they think is right and wrong, because of their own histories, upbringing and personalities. It’s inevitable that they clash with others, which escalates emotions and events. Their very superficial society doesn’t help at all. With everything coming together in a shitshow, this makes all their stories so damn painful and tragic.

This doesn’t mean that I excuse characters who inflict more harm on others. I acknowledge and don't want to take away whatever any character experienced. Being human doesn't excuse shitty behaviour. But still, I feel for them that they had to resort to/end up in their respective ways to make it through their loveless world. I want to focus on the greyness of humanity behind everything that happens in the story. One of the many thematic concerns that resonate with me is how much of us as humans are black and white (as such, we debate on the characters’ place on this spectrum, because of their actions). 不说黑白, Never black or white. Even if it nears the blackened end, it still never goes pitch black.

I say 人就是人，人就是这样 — People are people, people are simply like this. We all can be kind, we all curse out. We are all insecure about something. We laugh, we cry. We write love songs as much as easily as we write hateful messages. One day our loved ones and friends are around, and the next day, they aren’t anymore. There are times in our past that we can never return to and we can do nothing but move on with our own ways of coping, for what we think will be a better life for us. For better or worse.

Amidst all the viciousness and pettiness of the jianghu, mdzs touches on our tragedies and fallacies as people just trying to make sense of an unfeeling world, with unjust consequences and impartiality. Many of the mdzs characters try, and they fail. Isn’t this how our own reality is? How many of us have the privilege of a denouement to our own stories?

We can all have our personal opinions on the characters and their actions, but do not deny them their humanity or whatever shred of it is left.

Je t’aime, je te hais

I am tired I am sad, I am tired i am sad, I am tired I am sad

Ah yes, the dream.

Anime_irl