Hopelessness - Blog Posts

tell me how the fuck I’m supposed to deal with losing you.

*TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mentions of su*c*d*l ideations and feelings and depression.*

Saturday, Oct. 22nd, 2022

7:27pm

Dear Me,

This is Day 5 of my New York chapter, and I don’t feel whole. I’ve been struggling with my depression since the beginning of September and I’ve slowly been losing my perception of myself and the feeling of being alive and real. I was feeling extremely suicidal and lost my will to keep living; my reasons to keep living and to not view my death as my only escape and release.

I went to the Wesley Woods facility to receive more intensive care and to follow through with my obligation of surviving for the people who love me. It was an awful experience, filled with constantly masking, suffering with little help, and lies. I left that facility feeling numb, confused, hurt, betrayed, and like nothing but everything changed. Then, being confronted with leaving Emory U. to go to New York to look for better, proper treatment was earth-shattering. I feel fractured a thousand times over, hurt beyond my bones, and drained of my entire being. I pushed and pushed with urgency to file the medical leave with such disingenuous people because I wanted a change immediately. It just exacerbated everything and left me feeling empty and hollow. Not human, just a shell with no direction.

I left Emory feeling heartbroken and empty (with one friend lost), and arrived in New York feeling unstable, spaced, and unmotivated. I feel completely lost in space and time, and I can’t bring myself to feel positive or negative about this change. I can’t even say what I want right now, I’m just repeating things from months ago. It’s frustrating and disappointing. I feel defeated and I don’t have a genuine reason to keep going.

After being here in New York for 5 days, the answers that I’ve been searching for and desiring have still not come. I feel like my mind is taking up too much space, while also being microscopically small. I’m exhausted and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. My sister and her girlfriend have put in all this money and time because they love me and want to support me, but I don’t even understand what this love feels like… I wish that I could take what they have been saying to me and feel it deep in my bones that it’s true and that it holds meaning, but it feels just as empty as I do. They and my friends have done so much for me, but I’m struggling to see the path and end goal. I don’t feel worth it or that I deserve their worries and effort because I don’t feel it for myself. I wish things were different…

Part 2 Part 3

Yesterday was a bad day, my apartment was too quiet. Too empty. There was nothing, nothing.

Then suddenly I was turning on lights and they were the perfect shade of yellow and the music from my little speaker hit me so hard I almost cried in the kitchen and those socks I bought kept my feet warm and my warmed-up tortellini were so good with the scrapes of my mom's pesto.

I listened to Billie Eilish and Hozier and The Neighborhood and suddenly they were just people.

Sometimes I lay in bed terrified that I'll stop feeling. Yesterday was not that day.

i just realized the guy that i have been in love with for the past like 3 months is probably in fact not in love with me because he hasn’t acted the same recently and his vibes are off… is mercury still in retrograde or am i just a hopeless romantic destined to loving fictional characters

I saw a shooting star back then, and wished on it. I wouldn't tell anyone for then it wouldn't come true.

I saw a shooting star today and wished that in some parallel universe I still wished on stars and didn't tell anyone what I wished for.

reblog this it takes 4 seconds.

Rebel against something today. Not to feel cheesy, but maybe , just maybe , it’ll be the beginning of something you.

And no, this isn’t motivation. This is a battle note.

My prayers, oh God,

seem to be answered

by the devil.

When I prayed to make my momma proud,

she was taken instead.

And when I asked for the voices

inside me to quiet,

they raged,

trying to burn this

little brain of mine,

ordering me to do

things,

things that could drive me insane.

God,

should I pray in an opposite manner now?

After all, writing isn’t the whole damn world. Fuck this writer’s block.

I’ll walk around, watch Béla Tarr or Andrei. I’ll call Joyce she never runs out of words.

Or I’ll sleep it off, because I refuse to let a blank page make me consider the unthinkable.

Maybe all that we want is already taken— no matter how much we cry, yearn, lament, we never seem to get what we seek.

Meaning of words.

You said then

that

my love murders

you in a beautiful

way

and that you don't

think of an

existence without

it

so in that i

thought you

would go extinct

upon our failure.

But as time grows

all i have seen is a you

blooming.

Was it a lie ?

and my love

was totally a nothing

to you ?

please

please  tell

me

and tell

the one

murdering you

now

not to highly think

of things for

all of it is

just a jumble of

words.

Sleepless.

Restless.

Anxious.

Hopeless.

Lost.