Heavy Angst - Blog Posts

Oneshot -Pushing and Pulling. Home.

Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs

Ship: Soukoku - Dazai x Chuuya

A/N: This is the fanfic version of the comic with quite a bit more detail in it than the comic did. It has Dazai's direct thoughts leading up to his attempt from the beginning of the comic, as well as a look at Chuuya's own thoughts.

TW: blood, self-harm, suicide attempt, language

A/N: Also posted on Ao3

Comic version HERE

Nothing… 

Numbingly empty… 

A mirage of thoughts ran rampant throughout his mind with no end in sight. They pushed and pulled him down with arms of inky black darkness into the sheets below. 

The tug had been growing worse, harder to ignore over time. It came on gradually, leaving him little chance to fend them off before he realized it was too late. It had taken him too long to notice the grip of the demons in his mind. 

He didn’t want to admit that even after defecting from the Port Mafia, after surviving for two years underground, after doing everything for Odasaku, he hadn’t changed. 

Even after all of Fyodor’s bullshit, and he and Chuuya had finally become partners again -though now it meant more to them. 

He hadn’t changed. 

It had been a while since he had genuinely attempted anything, what with Chuuya’s watchful eyes. That and when he was around Chuuya, the darkness of his thoughts often receded, soothed by the ethereal man he had the undeserved privilege to call his lover. 

Sadly, with their differing jobs, it was simply impossible to be with Chuuya every minute of every day. 

In fact, Chuuya was currently away on an abroad mission. He was set to be back sometime tomorrow after having been gone for an entire month. 

Without Chuuya around to soothe the demons in his head, he fell. 

He fell victim to the grabbing hands. 

Pushing and pulling. 

Inky blackness. 

His face contorted in a frown as a restlessness overtook him. 

‘He’ll be back tomorrow.’ He tried telling himself through the cacophony of countless thoughts. Fruitless, really, but he didn’t want to hurt Chuuya. Not again. 

Pushing. 

Pulling. 

Blackness. 

Darkness. 

It filled his lungs like thick black blood. 

Sweet like honey with the seducing promise of relief. 

A quiet mind. 

With no thumping beat of a heart. 

Pushing. 

Pulling. 

His feet hit the ground before his mind could stop him. 

Pushing. 

Pulling. 

His hand reached for the door to the bathroom. 

Pushing. 

Pulling. 

Chuuya had stopped messaging daily sometime after the first week. Too busy with his mission. 

Chuuya hadn’t messaged him since last week. 

Pushing. 

Pulling. 

What if he was hurt? 

What if he didn’t come back. 

Pushing. 

Pulling. 

What if he didn’t want to come back? 

Pushing. 

Pulling. 

His clothes hit the floor by the door, the bandages on his arms and legs following. 

Pushing. Pulling. 

The blade cut, stinging. 

Through his skin. 

Through the bandages still covering his chest. 

Red. 

Pushing. Pulling. 

Inky red blood flowed out. Seeped into his skin. 

Into the pristine white covering him. 

White never did suit him. 

Pushing, pulling. 

The water from the faucet meshed horrendously with his rampant thoughts. 

His vision was flooded with a bloody red color as his arm reached out in front of him to stop the running water. 

Waves of steam rolled off and over the tub. 

Pushing, Pulling. 

The water bled red as he stepped into the tub. 

Burning. 

A pleasant burning from where the blade had cut through him and from the water as it came into contact with his skin.  

The burning water seeped through his bandages, further burning. 

Burning to combat the endless, bone-deep, freezing cold. 

The inky red blood polluted the water. 

Pushing. 

Pulling. 

Pushing and pulling him into a soothing embrace of darkness. 

Quiet. 

_____________________

The door clicked behind him softly. 

He could feel the exhaustion deep in the marrow of his bones as he hung up his coat and haphazardly kicked off his shoes into the genkan.  

He called out into the quiet house.  

“Dazai! I’m home!” 

He was greeted with silence. 

He was supposed to arrive home the next day, so perhaps Dazai was asleep? 

It was well past 2 in the morning. 

But Chuuya knew Dazai always struggled to fall asleep. And since Dazai began to live with him, he relied on him to sleep. 

‘I need my Chibi heater to stave off the cold! If you leave, then I’ll be left freezing and awake!’ 

The memory flashes through his head as he places his hat on the dining room table. 

“Dazai?” 

Silence. 

He made his way towards their shared room when he noticed the bathroom light on. 

He knocked softly on the door as he called out to him. 

“Dazai?” 

There was no response. 

A seed of fear sprouted into a hideous flower in his gut. 

Dazai wouldn’t… He had been clean for so long now. 

He called out again, hopeful to get a response this time. 

“Dazai? Are you in there?” 

Silence. 

He reached to open the door, unlocked. 

His mind went blank as he looked at the bloody scene in front of him. 

He stood there for a second that felt more like an hour, a day, a month. 

He could see the steam from the likely scalding temperature of the water.  

The blood was a vibrant red. Fresh.  

The scent of iron filled his nostrils. 

Then the panic set in. 

He suddenly felt like a victim to the gravity he normally had flawless control over. 

He rushed forward to check Dazai’s pulse, with little care for the blood staining his clothes. 

Through his own rapid breathing, he was able to subtly feel Dazai’s slow pulse. 

There was so much blood. 

He let his mind wander to what could have happened while he was gone while he fell back to old habits. Picking up Dazai’s limp body, unplugging the drain, pulling off what remains of his bandages. Rinsing the blood still on him, redressing his wounds with two layers of bandages to avoid any more bleeding. 

When he got to the ‘clothing Dazai’ step in his habitual process, Dazai began to stir into consciousness as he pulled up boxers over his legs. 

He hardly noticed as his mind continued to drift. His hands moved to pull one of Dazai’s heavenly soft sweaters over him. 

He left Dazai sitting on the stool in the bathroom as he finished cleaning the mess, mumbling to himself as his mind returned from drifting. 

“…got Dazai cleaned, bandaged, and dressed…” 

He pulled off his blood-soaked gloves, tossing them into the trash. 

“Dinner can wait I guess… and I’ve got to change…” 

He looked over himself, clothes stained red in blood. 

“Dammit! And I’ve still got that report…” 

A soft sniffle from behind him pulled him from his thoughts. 

Behind him was Dazai, still sitting just like how Chuuya had left him to clean up. 

He crouched down in front of him, reaching out to wipe some of his tears. Hesitant on whether Dazai was up for touch. 

When Dazai didn’t shift away he brought his hands down to gently run along Dazai’s thickly bandaged knees. 

He was at a loss for words, not having quite come to terms with the fact that if he had returned tomorrow, as was planned, Dazai would have been dead when he found him. 

“…Do you wanna talk about it?”  

His voice hardly sounded like his own, tentative, shaky, unsure. 

Finally, a response reached his ears. 

“Not really…” 

Dazai’s eyes were blank, devoid of any feeling, as he looked into them. 

He closed his eyes, sighing, both at finally being able to hear his voice and at the emotionless stare. 

Then, Dazai spoke again. 

“Can we… talk tomorrow?” 

He didn’t realize he had been frowning until he felt his lips pull at a small smile. 

Before they had gotten together, Dazai would never have asked to talk about something. If he didn’t bring up something then Dazai would never do it. And even when he did try to bring something up, Dazai would attempt to deflect and distract him from the conversation. 

“Yeah… tomorrow. For now… I’ll change, we can order food and watch a movie. How’s that sound?” 

“Cuddle?” 

A soft chuckle left his lips at the hesitant tone Dazai spoke in. 

“Yeah.” 

Chuuya was hardly paying attention to the show, thinking of everything they would have to talk about tomorrow.  

He felt Dazai nuzzle into him, pulling him from his thoughts. He looked down at the soft brown curls against his chest. Dazai’s head was turned toward the TV but from what he could see, Dazai’s eyes were closed, asleep.  

He smiled, letting his eyes close. 

He could feel sleep begin to overtake him now that he was finally home. 

Home being the man in his arms.

Comic -Pushing and Pulling. Home.

Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs

Ship: Soukoku - Dazai x Chuuya

TW: blood, self-harm, suicide attempt, language

Fanfic version: Pushing and Pulling. Home.

It's also posted on my ao3 which is now linked on my master list

I Am Dazai Ch 11

Oh this one is so cute~! My OC is suffering! <3

Waylon Jones finds Danny hiding in the sewers

Waylon was used to people seeing him as a monster. He had been called a freak or a monster since childhood, with people sneering at him and looking down on him for what he looked like.

Waylon could count on one hand the number of people who treated him like a normal person. Grundy was one. Roy was another. Harley treated him fine.

Danny was the first time someone had seen him and not even reacted. Danny just shared his food with him, smiling at him and chatting about random things. He didn’t mind Waylon’s scales or the sharp teeth. He just accepted it.

Danny saw him for him.

So when Danny, with bright green eyes and his hood finally down and showcasing the pale pointed ears and green blush, admitted why he was down in the sewers? When the small boy traced a hand over surgical scars Waylon had never seen before as he whispered about the group calling him a freak?

Well, Waylon had been seen as a monster for a long time.

Why not prove them right?

How the Brothers react when you die..

(Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Dark, Heavy Angst, Gore, and Language

Lucifer

His hands were bloody, but not as bloody as you were.

You were coughing out blood, feeling your eyelids getting heavier by the second.

“S- Stay with me MC!” His voice was cracking, didn’t even care how he sounded nor his composure. He wanted you to stay with him, it was to soon..

Your smile, your laugh, your beauty..

“L- Lucifer-.” You croaked out, his attention fully on you, canceling out all the loud yelling and screaming, as if it were all deaf to his ears but ur soft voice.

“I- It’s.. o- ok..”

“Please stop saying such things MC- your going to be ok..” He knew it was to late, but he tried to believe in himself, believing you wouldn’t die in his arms like his sister once before..

You smiled softly.. raising your hand to caress his cheek, light making your eyes sparkle for the last time..

“I l- love you Lucifer.. t- thank you for this.. I would do it all over again..” He held onto your hand tightly, leaning down to kiss you with all his might, showing his feeling and love for you in the kiss, a couple tears going down cheek..

He felt your hand start to come lose.. as you both pull away..

His wails and words starting to become quiet to your ears as you saw light beginning to appear..

And the light disappeared from your beautiful eyes, your hand and body going limp in Lucifers grasp..

He became cold, distant, and worse to his brothers after.. sometimes you can hear his wails and himself shattering his demonus in his office..

Mammon

Mammon didn’t want to believe this was real.. NO! It was never supposed to be like this! You were both supposed to get married and have a family.. and die old in bed..

“Mammon.. please s- stop crying..” The human whispered, barley having enough energy left..

“N- NO! YOUR NOT LEAVING ME LIKE THIS PLEASE..!” Mammon was sobbing, his brothers in the background shocked..

“M- Mammon.. shhhhh.. don’t be sad now..-.” You giggled at the last part of your sentence with a smile, tears streaming down your face..

“Your the G- Great Mammon.. I- I.. will always be..”

Mammon didn’t want to here that.. no way in hell your leaving..

“MC P- PLEASE..-.” He kissed you on the lips, no tsundere act anywhere, his hands firmly on you..

But.. your body began to fall to the ground.. as you pulled away..

“b- be with y- you..”

Your eyes lost the emotion in them, your hand falling on the ground..

“M- MC.. S- STOP PLAYING AROUND..”

He was sobbing in your neck, begging for you to come back to him.. but you never did..

After that.. his room was messy, he never slept, and drinks every night..

Levi

It’s like one of those sad anime’s he’s watched.. where the crush dies in the end..

“MC! W- WHY?!”

Levi is shocked.. he found you wounded on the beach..

How did this even happen..

“L- Levi shhhhhh..”

“What do you mean shhhh?! Your dying! I- I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!”

He couldn’t lose you.. you were the only person that understood him.. and loved him..

“B- But.. you have R- Ruri Chan.. you’ll.. be ok-.”

“BUT YOUR BETTER THAN HER.. I LOVE YOU..”

He just confessed his love for you.. right here.. right when you were being taken from the light..

You leaned up with all your energy left and kissed him softly on the lips.. telling him you felt the same.. and how you both were true.. best friends..

You pulled away as you started to feel yourself leave your body..

“I- I love you.. L- Leviathan..”

And your eyes darkened.. you were gone..

“MC N- NO.. NOO-.”

He then stared at your form sobbing..

He later gets sucked into his game reality, canceling out all real life.. and never comes out of his room.. unless he’s starving starving.

Satan

How did this happen.. you were both reading a book and then your clumsy self spilled tea on it..

He now was holding your firmly.. tears streaming down his face..

“N- NO.. I never meant…” He was shocked.. you were dying all because.. of-

“S- Satan.. i- it’s not your fault..-.”

“I- It is what are you talking about..-.”

He felt so much rage in himself.. cursing on how he did this to you..

You deserved better, how could his wrath have gotten the best of him.. how-

“Satan.. I- I love you.. and emotions get the best of us.. sometimes..” You quietly laughed, coughing out some blood in the process.

Satan’s eyes widened.. oh how did he deserve such a sweet.. soul.. a precious human of all people to love him..

Giving you a kiss on the lips.. as you kissed him back with all the energy you had left..

He then felt your hand leaving his as your body met the floor.. you still smiling as your soul left the body..

“I- It’s ok..” You softly whispered with the little bits of energy you had remaining..

“N- NO..”

Satan couldn’t process what was happening.. you just died because of his..

All he did was scream as the moonlight showed your limped body.

Books later were ripped to shreds that night.. never wanting to come out of his room again..

Asmo

What?

He never expected to feel sad by this.. but he couldn’t stop crying seeing your beautiful form, all bruised up..

He wasn’t there because he..

“A- Asmo.. your here..!” Your voice joyed seeing him.. but his face in horror seeing you..

He caressed you, sobbing horribly..

“M- MC.. I’M SO SORRY..!” He meant it and you saw it..

He truly cared for you.. and oh how much you smiled seeing that, you admired his beauty since you met him.. and believed he cared about others than himself..

“I- I knew you c-cared about me..” You laughed at the end of your sentence, starting to feel dark, losing eyesight..

“Honey.. I always have..” He croaked as he he kissed you suddenly.. the kiss felt so magical..

“T- Thank you Asmodeus..” You quietly croaked, starting to meet the floor..

“NOOO.. MC!”

But.. you were gone.. as Asmo just cried in your dead bodies chest..

He never wanted to do anything with his beauty anymore.. he just started to smoke when he felt depressed..

Beel

No.. no.. way your dying.. not another.. because of him..

“B- Beel.. shhhhh” You gasped out as he sobbed horribly.. getting flashbacks of how he chose Belphie instead of Lilith..

“I’m sorry..” His voice was muffled in your neck..

“I could’ve done better..-.”

“Shh, B- Beel no.. don’t blame yourself for my death.. promise me.. you will be the fun Beel.. ok..?”

He looked up at you, his expression obviously super sad and filled with tears.. but nodded as he felt your soul leaving..

He suddenly kissed you.. a pleasant goodbye he wanted to give you before you moved on..

You smiled into the kiss, saying a ‘I love you’ as your soul left, your head falling backward.

He just cried.. he couldn’t say anything.. you were gone.. and he couldn’t do anything.. but then he remembered the promise you gave him.. and always made sure of it.

But he always gets nightmares of you when he thinks about you.. he just misses you so much..

Belphie

No. Your not dying. Not like this.

He held you against him, the impact of the room filled with sadness..

No way.. not again..

“B-Belphie..-.”

“No.. shut up.. your not doing this.. your not dying on ME!”

Belohie did not want to lose another person in his life..

His sister.. NOT HIS LOVER TO!

“I don’t want.. to d- die either Belphie.. but.. I can’t hold on much l- longer..”

You could feel yourself drifting away from reality, you wanted to stay.. not have Belphie suffer but..

“B- Belphie.. please promise me.. you won’t go on a r- rampage.. after this..” You gasped.. barley breathing.

He knew you meant those words.. but he didn’t know how he would live after your gone..

“I love you.. S- so much..” You whispered, as he just stared at you with some tears starting to form in his eyes..

You started closing your eyes.. as he suddenly kissed you with force.. not wanting you to go.. but he felt nothing in the kiss as it did before.

You went limp..

“Ha.. haha..” Belphie felt as if he’s going crazy.. humans really are something.. and he never wanted anything to do with one after that.. but always kept your promise.

He hates sleeping after that.. the nightmares and stupid dreams always had you in it.. as he cried in the night.

Mammon X Fem!Reader Oneshot

I’m a huge fan of angst and this was something I thought since I’ve read and seen so much Mammon angst. I love Mammon so much but I love the angst, so I hope you enjoy this oneshot..

Warnings: Language, heavy angst, dark, gore, sexualization, bullying, and family drama

Mammon Finally Breaks..

(Part 1?)

__

“Mammon, you are responsible for taking care of the human exchange student”

Mammon didn’t want to hear those words, he never wanted anything to do with a lousy human.

All he wanted to do was not have anything to deal with.. or being a punching bag to his brothers.

He thought of a way out of it, since all his brothers think of him as an irresponsible idiot.. so..

“Ya really think you can trust me on taking care of some god damn human? I might as well just sell it-.”

“That won’t be necessary, and if I find out this human is dead you're going to be thrown into the tomb. I don’t care what Cerberus does, he may do as he pleases”

Mammon just gave his older brother a glare, but on the inside he feels as if all he is a punching bag. Lucifer doesn’t even punish the others as insane as Mammon.

He doesn’t even know why..

“Ya know what! Ur evil, plane EVIL!” He shouted, but of course none of the others cared nor wanted to be involved.

They didn’t even defend him, they just did the opposite by laughing..

…

“Is it true Mammon has to take care of a human?”

“I would’ve eaten it by now”

“For real!”

All the gossip and murmuring echoed throughout the RAD as the human passed by without making eye contact.

She is super confused and doesn’t know why she was chosen out of all humans for the exchange student program.

Her thoughts were closed by some snickering by some demon students.

‘I’m just a toy am I?’

She sighed thinking about it, and remembering what Lucifer told her earlier..

“You aren’t here to make friends, you're here as an exchange student to work at your best. I just pray that a demon doesn’t try doing anything to you, just focus on surviving this year and stay out of my way.”

She clutched her textbooks to her chest as she sped walked faster, getting even more paranoid by the second.

“Oi Human! slow down will ya!”

She heard a familiar voice behind her as she stopped in place, turning around to find her.. Babysitter?

“Why are ya walking so damn fast, at least show me some respect or else!”

She could sense the irritation in his voice, but did not care at the moment.

She just wanted to get to class and get this day over with, she’s been disrespected and sexualized all day..

There was a pause between the two, as if time stopped.

It didn’t take long until a group of demons came up behind the human, one of them clutching their hand on her neck.

Eyes widening she gasped in fright by the sudden touch and on the verge of tears.

“Mammon, how’s the little pet going for you?” The demon asked with a smirk forming on his features.

“Because if you aren’t going to do anything, I would love to take part..”

The demon got closer to the human, she was trying to squirm free from his grasp but couldn’t.

His friends were chuckling at the situation and decided to record it.

Mammon felt himself suffer from watching that, it reminded him of something so familiar but..-

And then he saw it, he saw himself in those humans' big beautiful eyes in fear,guilt, alone..

Before he had time to think his body moved toward them both, launching the demon into the wall while grasping the human protectively in his arms.

Everyone around them snapped their heads up by the sudden action, and was shocked that Mammon of all people saved a HUMAN AND CARED?!

The demon who was shoved in the wall then got up to punch Mammon for the sudden outburst and for payback.

But Mammon dodged it like it was nothing and grabbed ahold of his arm, slamming him to the floor.

The demon coughed out blood and stilled when Mammon put his foot on the side of his face with a dark glare.

“If I see you land a hand on her again, it won’t be so pretty and I swear it will be more satisfying than grimm.”

The demons and the human’s eyes were widened in shock by what he said, he had never gotten this dark nor protective over anyone before. And nobody ever expected Mammon to do that.. he always had control of himself.. and lost it over a fucking human girl..

“AND THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU!” He shouted at all the demons there, as they all gasped and stepped back from his sudden words, even putting their phones away to stop recording.

Mammon put his foot off the demon's face as he scrambled away, a clear wrathful face on his features to what Mammon did to him.

“You-.”

“What is the commotion here..?”

Mammon, the human, and the demon stopped their tracks. They knew that voice.. and they knew they were all screwed and to stay silent.

“Mammon..! What did you do this time?”

The 3 looked to the direction of the familiar voice, the familiar black aura that filled the tension of all of devildom, Lucifer, he looked clearly irritated by his “little” brother's antics.

The human looked over and Mammon’s demon form was nowhere to be seen.

His expression was now guilt, emotionless, holding back- than he was a few moments ago.

His head was held low, didn’t even want to see Lucifer's face, nor let him see his face of shame.

The human seemed to notice this, but didn’t want to intervene in case it would make things worse.

‘Mammon didn’t do anything wrong, he just stood for me that is all.. and now it’s all my fault that he now has to get in trouble just for my foolishness..’

“You there, go to detention” Lucifer pointed at the student who had a big bruise and bloody cheek. He shuffled away in anger and fear, thinking about how he would get his revenge.

“Now.. human, are you wounded?” He stood tall and his gaze was intimidating.

The human felt a bit uncomfortable from the way he stood, but she couldn't just stay silent.

She wanted to lie and say she wasn’t, which she actually wasn’t because she is tough, but you can clearly notice her neck is a little bruised.

“On the neck I guess, but it’s not a huge deal-.”

“Mammon.. don’t you see she could’ve been killed from your stupid weak little mind!” Lucifer interrupted, looking at Mammon in doubt.

The human wanted to say something to stop Lucifer from calling his own little brother these horrible words.

She looked over at Mammon and noticed his fists clenching-

“It’s such an embarrassment to even call you my brother.. why would I even think about trusting you to watch over this human-.”

Bam!

It echoed through the hallway

The human's eyes widened as she saw the scene unfold. Her mouth agape in shock, hands not moving, still as a statue, but the little bits of a shiver you could see in her features.

Mammon had just punched Lucifer square in the face. He had finally gotten to his limit.. and couldn’t hold back from all the insults and shame anymore..

Lucifer actually lost his balance and stumbled back, putting his gloved hand onto his face in confusion, anger, shock.

His eyes were widened by what Mammon of all people just did, nobody has ever laid a hand on him, ever..

Mammon on the other hand, was shocked himself.. did he just do that?!

Nobody could speak, nor say a word from what just happened.

At this point Mammon didn’t want to be here anymore, he just wanted to go home.. but he knew he couldn’t because of Lucifer.

He will obviously get a punishment, but this one will be the worst ever before, Lucifer might barely kill him because of his sadism.

“You dare.. lay a hand on me Mammon..?”

Oh boy.. the friction of the room was insanely death-like, and it just made Mammon get angrier, as he added more.

They were both in the demon forms, they wanted to fight! Each other?!

“Yea.. I punched you.. since I need you to see what I go through everyday.. bastard..” Mammon replied, laughing at the end of his sentence.

He knew he was possibly going to die, and he was just about to get it, while fighting Lucifer, his own brother, to wound him insanely..

“What did you just call me..?” Lucifer said as his wings folded out bigger with a slight smirk forming, as his eyes glowed red like a real devil.

“A BASTARD!! A SICK PRIDEFUL FUCK! WHO I NEVER SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED!”

Lucifer actually broke inside hearing Mammon say those words.. but his pride was overpowering him right now, and he couldn’t even feel the pain barely at all.

The two eldest demons didn’t notice the human had slipped from the situation. She quickly ran away to go get the brothers and Diavolo, this had to be stopped now!

This wasn’t the Lucifer and Mammon you knew, they completely lost control..

While she ran there was banging and shattering echoing through the halls..

Should I make a Part 2..?

Chapter-2: Flashes of the past

Song: Maa by Shankar Mahadevan

मैं कभी, बतलाता नहीं

पर अंधेरे से डरता हूँ मैं माँ

यूँ तो मैं, दिखलाता नहीं

तेरी परवाह करता हूँ मैं माँ

I never, tell anyone

But I am scared of the dark, mother

I don't, show it just like that

But I care for you, mother

You sat inside the train back to Sendai and put on your earplugs. As the train started, you remembered how you finally opened your eyes...

Flashback:

It was the final year of college, you finally gathered up the courage to tell your mother about all the sexual abuse you took. Your mother divorced your father and lived alone with you. She was the one person you knew you could trust after Nanami, Haibara and all your other friends moved away.

The day you told her about the abuse she was furious. Not at you, but at the people who did this to you. She rushed to the dorm room of Satoru, Suguru and Shoko who simply laughed and beat her up. Because of her old age, she died on the spot.

You were watching...

You were crying...

Tears were streaming down your face as you just stared at your mother's dead body. It was that moment the trio noticed you. They're eyes widened as they had never seen you cry non-sexually. But that was the day you finally let out your inner demons. The ones that everyone has but keeps hiding until the correct buttons've been pushed.

Your face darkened with anger as your eyes twisted into an inexplicable look of rage and your mouth contorted to scream in anger as you cried.

You rushed yourself at Satoru and pushed him to the ground. You punched him bloody as Shoko and Suguru tried to stop you. You knocked Satoru out and beat up Suguru and Shoko until they passed out too. You ran away as you cried.

That was the day you would graduate...

Your mother promised she would attend your graduation day...

That was also the day you swore to avenge your mother...

Flashback end:

You were finally back at Sendai. You walked towards your house near a river as the sun set...

@vivinomi, @sweatywitchtree

save us all

[shingeki no kyojin | one shot; 4,892 words] [genderneutral! timetraveler! reader] | gen; no pairings. summary: Every time you see them die. You promised someday, you will save them all. wanings/notes: Time Loop, Murder, Self-Harm, Suicide, Betrayal, Violence, Blood, Mental Instability, Mental Breakdown... I think you know this is going to be dark af. Also, horrible grammar, this is messy af, sorry! ;; inspired by higurashi no naku koro ni!

You didn't know when it all began— it seemed too far away, far from your reach. You felt as if it were years when it all went to this nightmare, this horror. This was far worse than just being eaten by a titan; no, being eaten was mercy.

And what nightmare were you living in? At the time you would have laughed of something so ridiculous— impossible to even think about. But here you are, suffering until the end, if there was any.

Was this purgatory?

Your first memories come back to you, little by little. Remembering your innocence, your life before this... It all seemed normal.

"Hey, [Name]! Breakfast is ready!" You heard Eren yell, coming outside just where you were sitting on a bench, looking at the blue sky. "What are you doing here all along anyways? I thought you were with horse face."

Letting out a laugh, you didn't leave your gaze from the clouds. "Just watching the sky. It's beautiful today, isn't it?"

The brunette frowns, confused by your answer. He always sees the sky everyday; what was different from it today? Looking beneath him, he could only spot the same blue and white. It looked cleared; but nothing out of normal... He returned his gaze at you again, seeing how you are still looking at the sky.

"I don't see any difference, really," he approaches you, looking at you with curiosity, "what's different from usual?"

The small smile on your face doesn't leave— neither does your eyes on the sky. Eren could see as if you were looking at something precious or amazing, a thing he couldn't see.

"I can't explain it. It looks... different. Maybe is the color? Or maybe the clouds? Something is lively, like something is coming."

The titan shifter blinks a little weirded out by your answer. He didn't get any hint like that with just looking at the sky— maybe you were overthinking things? Or you were nervous by the upcoming expedition? It could be. Nevertheless, taking a good look at your face made him notice that you were different. Maybe he couldn't notice the differences on the sky, but he could with you. You were comrades after all.

You looked... at peace. As if nothing in the world was bothering you; just you and him... He felt in a trance.

"We are going to miss breakfast, Eren." Your voice snapped him from his dream, and both of you looked at each other, "Come on, Sasha is going to eat our food." You finished, laughing quietly. He just nodded, still a little out of it, watching you walk to the barracks and waiting for him at the door. He quickly went to your side, taking a last glance at the sky before entering.

Ah, yes... That was the beginning of everything. Or just one of the oldest memories you have; there were too many. Sighing, the upcoming images make you tense, relieving one of the many pasts.

A certain expedition that went horribly wrong; at that time, maybe the sky was really telling you something. Bur no matter how you many things you changed, someone always had to be gone. Always. Your comrades, the Squad Leaders, the Commander... Even if you could keep going with one of them dying, your heart full of guilt couldn't let you. No— they all had to live, for humanity's sake.

"Haha! I bet horse face is going to wet his pants this time!" Eren mockingly says, grinning like a child. Armin besides him lets out a sigh, murmuring "Not again..."

A certain horse face heard that, stopping your conversation and instantly turned his face where the brunette was, smiling. "I heard that, you—!"

Before anything could be uncontrollable, you hissed at the two, "Both of you, stop! We are being watched! Can you at least be decent, for our reputation sake?"

Reiner, who was beside you, agreed with you, "[Name] is right. You two look like children fighting like that." You nodded your head, pouting slightly. Yeah, hearing his fights was funny, but at a time like this, were you are just going to leave the walls, was a big no. "We have to look like soldiers, but I guess with your clown looks... it's hard." He smiled, looking proud. You let out a chuckle, before being silenced by the murderous glare a certain corporal gave the two of you.

"Oi, all of you." You all gulped, looking terrified, "You better shut the hell up or I will punish all of you right now." You hurriedly nodded, sweating. He just sent a last hard glare to you, before returning to his talk with Hange.

You let out a sigh you were holding. It was nice to joke before going outside the walls; you needed to forget the terrors and horrors you will face there. And just by thinking that, your body tensed, you gripped the horse' harness and your mouth was pressed in a thin line. Reiner, who wanted to murmur you something, noticed your state, and tried to help you out.

"Hey, calm down. Nothing bad is going to happen to us. We are on the same squad, right? Look, if anything happens, I'm with you." He reassured, placing his hand on your shoulder, squeezing it. The warm touch and words made you less anxious, but the preoccupation was still there. You turned at him with a smile, nodding. He gave you one of his "hero" smiles and let go of you, returning his attention to the gate when the commander's voice could be heard.

"Open the gates!"

Gates opening, you could see the field; no titans near, but you knew they were there.

And so, the expedition began.

And you hoped for the best.

Red. Crimson. Scarlet.

All across the field; on the trees, the grass. On you.

Where did it go horribly wrong? What just happened? Why were you the last one alive?

Everyone was dead— you could see them all in front of you. The commander, the corporal, Eren, Mikasa, Jean... The sight was gruesome; the smell penetrated your nose fossils, but the sight was more horrifying than the smell.

Some of your friends were bitten; you could see Mikasa's guts all around her. She has an terrified expression on her face, but her eyes were spotted on someone else. That someone else, was Eren. Strangely, his own blade was penetrating in his head; head that was broken and open. His eyes were stuck on the only source of light; an open spot on the trees, letting you see the blue sky.

You didn't want to see in detail how Jean, Connie, Sasha and Armin were... You just knew they were as mutilated as them. You didn't see Reiner or Bertholth here, but your thoughts only made you think they had the same fate as them.

Your comrades, your friends, all gone. Were you the last one remaining of this expedition? You were sure.

How— How that many titans can spot you so easily? And why did all of you got wiped out? How was that even possible?

You remember Reiner's promise, how he smiled at you and reassured you everything was going to be okay. You tried to comfort yourself; but the cries you let out were impossible to hold. At anytime a titan would hear you and end your life, but you didn't care at all. What was the purpose when your friends are dead? You didn't had your horse or any energy to fight.

This was humanity's end.

Crying, you didn't hear loud steps approaching you, until a big hand grabbed you, squeezing your form.

You didn't want to look at it's face; the terrifying eyes the monster would have; the smile it would gave you. You just prayed there was a better place than this hell, where you would reunite with your friends.

You could feel pain, and then, everything went black.

。。。。。。。

" Hey, [Name]! Breakfast is ready!"

Uh?! What? You opened your eyes and frenetically looked around you; you were at the same spot a few days ago!

"What are you doing here all alone anyways? I thought you were with horse face." You heard Eren's voice near you. "What's with that face? You look scared of something, are you alright?" He asked, his face showing worry. He approached you, placing his hand on your shoulder.

Was all of it... a dream? But it felt too real!

"[Name]...?"

Snapping from your thoughts, you looked at him, not sure how to answer the question, You just blinked, until something came out from your mouth. "I'm... alright," you said, "I think I had the longest dream. It felt too real, and it wasn't very nice."

"What was it all about?" he asked, sitting on the bench.

It was weird how easy was to remember the horror; it felt like a memory— something you once lived before. But that was impossible; it was a dream. "I dreamed about how we failed the next expedition..." you answered, feeling anxious about it. You were unnerved at how you could feel the terror, how you could smell the corpses of your friends. You were sure the smell was still around. "We all got wiped out, no one was alive."

Eren didn't find the exact words to give you. Nevertheless, his fighting spirit didn't let you down, giving you the best words he could find. "Dreams are just dreams! Something like that isn't going to happen, I assure you!" Seeing how you were still tensed, he tried to joke, "Look, we all can hear horse face dreaming about being with Mikasa, and that will never happen."

You giggled, feeling a little better. Maybe he was right; dreams are just dreams. Nothing like that will come true— it was just a nightmare.

Sighing, you relaxed and got up from the bench, looking happier than you were before. "Come on, Eren! Sasha will eat our breakfast if we don't hurry up," you took his hands and walked to the barracks, and before entering you muttered a thank you, which he just smiled in reply.

Sadly, you didn't know that nightmare was the hell you were going to live in.

You laughed. How foolish for you to believe that.

It wasn't a dream, it was one of your destinies. A fate you can't escape.

Everything went to hell again; your friends were all killed, either eaten alive or mutilated. It was the exact same image from your nightmare.

And every time a titan ate you, you always woke up on the same place at the bench, hearing Eren's voice near you.

What was the purpose of all of this? How was it possible? You tried every other way to help everybody; but there was always someone dying I front of you— and that wasn't how was supposed to be. You knew all of your friends could live— but how?

You opened your eyes to see the same damn sky. The past went horribly wrong, as always — your squad wiped out, Reiner was gone, Sasha was eaten along with Christa. There wasn't a trace of Ymir and Connie anywhere. You couldn't save them; and your mental health deteriorated when you remembered the amount of corpses on the field; Sasha's mutilated body— only her head and torso remained. Little Christa's head was the only thing you could save of her. How her lifeless eyes stared at nothing when you hold her, crying and screaming.

You began to hyperventilate— you couldn't find how to breathe. You took your head with your hands, not caring of your nails piercing your skin, and let out an horrifying scream a certain brunette heard.

Eren ran to you, scared by your scream.

"What is happening?! [Name] why are you screaming?!"

Your couldn't control your body. It was like a meltdown going on; your brain was melting, you saw the same images again and again. There was a parasite crumbling on your body, getting inside your head— you had to put it out.

out out out out

The horrifying screams never ceased, even when Eren shakes you and tried to get you to snap out of it.

You don't remember anything after that.

Haha, how could you forget the time when your friends murdered you... Something unbelievable to you at that time— comrades wouldn't do that. Only a barbaric animal would. Only a beast could do something like they did.

You just wanted some peace for once, and thankfully, the lake far from the barracks was an option. After several breakdowns, you damaged mind remembered this place— a beautiful lake hidden in the forest's deeps.

Just hearing the signing of the birds, the wind... made you recover some sanity you had once forgotten. Reviving everytime to just see everyone die was consuming your mind; maybe this was your 45th time... how could you be so sure? It maybe was your 100th time. 'Time' was unknown now.

You were relaxing sitting against a tree, well hidden between some bushes, just to not be spotted and irritated if so.

But obviously, someone has to do so.

You could hear steps coming near you— then stopping tight where the lake was. You had a nice vision to the lake, so you spotted right away who was there.

"Bertholt?"

He seemed nervous, looking around. Thanks to the bushes you couldn't be spotted, but you silently shifted and crouched. You were curious— sometimes you always saw Bertholt and Reiner going to the forest in the night, and you always wondered for what.

The one you both were waiting for appeared, with an uncharacteristic serious expression. Are they fighting? Weren't they having breakfast together this morning?

"Did you study the formations?" Reiner asked, arms crossed.

The brunette nodded, a little nervous, "We heard Eren is going to be in the right flank, right?"

"Yes, and the Corporal is going to be at the center, so he is far away from him. Annie should easily get Eren."

What are they talking about? Kidnap Eren? Why...

Sudden memories from Hange's titans came to you— how there was rumored someone killed them.

It—It was Annie! But why? Why they want to get Eren?

"Reiner... Trost District got closed. We have to destroy all the walls for once— it's been too long!"

"You think I don't know that? Once Annie get's Eren, our plan to break wall Maria is on. We have to play this carefully, Bertholth."

No.... nonono..

Break the walls? What do they mean by that? The only monsters who broke them were...

The Colossal and the Armored...

And they are...

Reiner and Bertholt.

They are titan shifters! Annie as well! And they want to get Eren! So the expedition is going to hell because of them— they are the goddamn reason.

You had to get away from them— they weren't your friends, they were just masks. They want to get humanity extinct! You had to inform this immediately.

As silently as you could, you tried to stand up, but a stupid branch had to broke under your foot, making them instantly look at your direction.

You were dead, again.

"Who's there?!" Reiner frenetically yelled, running to where you were hiding. What was the purpose to run? You were going to live anyways.

"[Name]..." The blond murmured your name, looking shamefully at you, "how much did you hear?"

Instantly you replied, "enough to know you are the reason for all of our deaths." You looked hurt, but you were angry and furious.

"You didn't have to hear that." He said, grabbing your arm to get you up, which you comply without complaining. He took notice of your uncaring but upset nature— weirding him out.

When the blond and you approached the brunette, Bertholt's eyes widened, and he was sweating like a pig.

"[N—[Name]!" The taller exclaimed, not believing you were there, caught. "You–We—"

"Save it." you said, "why are you killing us? Aren't we friends, Reiner? Weren't you the fucking 'big bro' from the squad, you piece of fucking shit?" you glared at them— not caring if you were dying by their hands.

"We—We are friends! Don't— Don't look at us like that, [Name]..." the blond said, averting your gaze.

"Then how in the fuck I have to see you? With spark in my eyes? With admiration? You two are the monsters all of us are afraid of!"

They just tensed by your words, like children. But these little children were going to kill you soon, so you just yelled anything you could.

"You killed Eren's mother! Armin's grandpa!" you tightly swallowed, holding your tears, "my family! You are murderers! How do I have to look at you, Reiner?! Tell me!"

"Nobody wants to do this!" Reiner yelled at you, but you just glared fiercely at him. "Do you think we wanted this?! To kill our friends?! Nobody wants that!"

"Then what's the reason?! Why are you doing this?!"

Reiner didn't answer you, so your attention changed to Bertholt, who was tensed and sweating. "Bertholt, why? Why are you killing us? Where are you taking Eren?" but the taller man just averted your gaze like the coward he is. "Look at me, you piece of shit! Answer me!"

But no answer came.

"Mina, Thomas, Samuel, Hannah... all of them died, but for what? By pieces of shit like you?" You began to cry, remembering your friends who didn't make it. "You played with us— you are no big brothers..."

The people you riled on to for years were just fakers. Murderers, people who killed your friends, your family, and you.

"You are our friends— really... We have to do this, [Name]. We can't go back if we don't."

"Go back to where? All about your 'home town' is bullshit. Where is your shitty home anyways?"

"We can't tell you that—"

"Fuck you. You are going to kill me anyways, you big liar."

"[Name]..."

"Fuck you, Reiner. Fuck you, Bertholt. And fuck your hometown too, murderers." You tried to back off, but Reiner got a hold on you, and you knew these were your last moments.

"You can't go, [Name]." Reiner's face changed completely to one you never saw before, he wasn't seeing you as the friend he had to kill; he was seeing the trash he had to take care of, "as my duty as a warrior, I have to take down our targets."

"Warrior? More like a piece of shit, you fucker, get your hands off of me!" you tried to struggle, but he was bigger than you.

You took a glimpse of Bertholt, and the coward was crying and apologizing to you repeatedly.

"I'm sorry, [Name]. We are sorry, so sorry—"

You just let the tears came, and looked at Reiner and tried to look at him as the friend he was, and not the murder he became, but that wasn't possible.

You struggled as best as you could— giving kicks, punching him, but there was no use. He slammed you on the floor, making him get over you.

"This shouldn't have to be like this."

"But it is."

He grabbed your head with both of his hands, and smashed your head against a rock nearby. Over and over— you were sure your skull could be visible, blood coming from your injuries and getting on your face. You only could catch glimpses of someone's tears and hear the apologies from somebody...

And then, they could saw your lifeless eyes.

The dump your body to the hill, where any animal could eat and destroy your rests, so nobody could find you.

Suicide wasn't the answer either.

"I'm helping breakfast today." You said with no enthusiasm whatsoever — you were dead inside.

"Sure thing, [Name]! But, uhm," Christa approaches you, and gently laid her hands on yours, "are you alright? You have been down lately."

You let our an empty laugh, "I'm alright, Christa. Nothing to worry about." You took off her hands and went to the mess hall, spotting Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie... and the bastards too.

The blond titan shifter waved at you, which you only glared at him with all the hatred you could sent, making him surprised and taken aback. Everyone saw the interaction— and they wondered what did Reiner do to you to glare at him like that.

They saw as you went into the kitchen, allowing them to gossip.

"Yoooo, what was that just now?" Connie asked, "[Name] glared at you and almost murders you!"

"Now what did you do? I have never saw [Name] doing something like that to anybody. You must had done something very shitty." Jean interfered, looking interested.

"I didn't do anything! I haven't talked to [Name] lately..." Reiner answered, trying to recall any comment he should have said to make you angry, but nothing came.

"Well, [Name] is pissed." Connie said.

"I don't want to gossip but," Armin spoke, "[Name] has been very upset lately."

Everyone agreed.

"They don't talk much." Mikasa said.

"They don't get out of their room."

"They are paler."

"They are angry every time we talk to them."

"They cry at night."

Everyone turned at the new voice coming in, wich was from the Corporal himself. Everyone stood up and saluted, but relaxed at the command of Levi.

"Surprising you noticed finally, isn't them your friend?" the shorter man asked, sitting down. "It's none of my business but your friend looks like complete shit."

It was true. You looked sick and tired most of the time. You didn't talk much, so they didn't get any answers or reasons for your change of behavior.

"We should do something for them!" Connie said, with enthusiasm all over his voice.

"Like what, baldy? A hug party?" Jean joked, gaining a playfully punch from the short soldier.

"We should do... uhm... I don't know..." Connie mumbled, less excited. What could be a good gift for you anyways? There weren't a lot of options.

"We should follow Jean's advice," Reiner joked, "maybe that could do something."

"This is serious! We have to do something!"

"What if—"

A female scream interrupted the talk, making them turn at the kitchen, where the cry was heard.

"Was that Sasha?"

The screams keep going, but this wasn't one of the normal Sasha's screams she let out jokingly, these were of absolute terror.

The one who instantly reacted was the corporal, flying out of his seat to go to the kitchen. And when he entered, everyone heard what he said,

"What the fuck happen?!" He took the door frame and turned, "someone get Hange right now!", and he entered the kitchen once again.

Armin quickly left the mess hall, taking Levi's order.

Everyone was worried, so they went to the kitchen to know what was happening.

The sight was horrifying.

Blood on the floor— YOUR blood. You were lying on the floor, with a kitchen knife in your stomach. There were countless of deep injuries on your stomach; they could see them thanks to the torn shirt. You were pouring blood from your injuries, mouth and nose, and your eyes were getting unfocused.

"What—What happened?" Jean was the only one who could articulate something with the sight in front of him. Everyone was in shock, some covering their mouths, not believing the scene.

Sasha just cried, trying to explain, "I—I don't know! They—They—" She couldn't finish, she was crying harder and she was gasping for air.

Mikasa rushed to her, trying to be strong and help her. "Sasha, look at me." Mikasa took Sasha's face and made her turn, meeting with her watery eyes, "Calm down, what happened?"

"[Name] just began to stab themselves! Without a reason!!" she exclaimed, "They were helping me with the food, but—but they just did it out of nowhere!"

The corporal tried to stop the multiple bleeding— trying not to touch the knife in your stomach.

"What the fuck, [Last Name]?! What is the reason of this?" The Corporal tried to comprehend, but he just couldn't. You let out an empty laugh, your eyes glued on the ceiling.

"I just... want to... rest..." you coughed, blood dripping your mouth.

The one who were crying their eyes out where Connie and Sasha– Mikasa tried her best to control the two, but they were desperately sobbing. Eren was in shock; the brunette couldn't understand the scene before him. Why did you something so horrible to yourself? He couldn't understand anything.

Reiner and Bertolt couldn't believe it either. The blonde tried to approach you, but the corporal quickly yelled orders to not get near you. Reiner wanted to help you– save you. Just... what was on your mind these past few days?

Bertolt never thought of you harming yourself like that. He always looked upon you because of your determination and braveness— he never in a million years would have imagined this scene in front of him.

Jean covered his mouth in shock; his widened eyes couldn't bear the sight of you, so he just averted it completely. His mind couldn't process the sight, but he tried to calm himself.

Everything was in chaos— sobs and cries could be heard coming out from the kitchen. No one could think clearly, and when Hange and Armin got there, it was already too late.

You remember telling the commander about Reiner's and Bertolt's betrayal, but everything went to shit. The strategy to take them down was a complete failure, nothing could be done against their titans. They killed everyone, taking Eren with them. Like every time, you were the only one left, surrendered by the bodies of your comrades.

"Why... just why? Reiner... Bertolt... why are you killing us...?" you hopelessly pleaded for an answer, crouching on the grass. "What's the purpose of killing us?"

They just stared at you, in shame or disgust? You really didn't care no more. Eren was unconscious on Bertolt's back.

"Answer me!" You punched the dirt, "why are you doing all of this?! Why do you want to erase us from this world!?"

"We don't want to do this!" Bertolt desperately yells.

"Then who is making you?!"

Silence. They never answer– they never say something about their origins, leaving you in the dark.

Reiner speaks, but he isn't the Reiner you know. This one sounds evil, different— vile.

"We have to kill all of your devil race, including you. We can't let dirty spawns of the devil alive– is our task to take all of you down. It's our duty as warriors."

Devils? Warriors? Spawn of the devil?

"Reiner... What are you even talking about? The only devils I see are you both."

Bertolt averts your gaze, the big coward. Reiner looks like he is fighting himself— he crouches in front of you, taking his head with both of his hands. You truly believe something is wrong with him– something deeper than just a game of pretend.

"Please [Name]... please forgive me, I didn't want to do any of this... please..." Reiner looks so pathetic, taking your hand between his', kneeling. Tears came out from his eyes, and he looks desperately at you for forgiveness, something that you couldn't give.

You look at Bertolt for an answer, but he only lets himself look at the floor, ashamed. He looks scared– he is crying too, but his sobs are silent.

These two doesn't look like they just won a battle; they look like terrified children.

"Please [Name]..." Bertolt speaks, "find us."

Somehow, at that moment, you could understand that these two weren't the only responsible for this nightmare. They didn't look like they were enjoying winning— they looked miserable.

You finally understood.

"Someday, I will find us all."

Taking your blade, Bertolt looks worried and tries to take Reiner back, but your actions just shock both of them to the core.

You stab yourself, over and over, and Reiner and Bertolt can't just do anything but watch in horror.

With a last stab, you breathlessly say,

"See you later..."

Nothing worked. Even if you tried to talk to them, it never went well. There was no way for them to cooperate — every time they eliminated you with these regretful looks on their faces. It was a waste of time— they were determinated to not back off from their plan.

You sigh, exhausted. You can't count how many times have you 'revived'. It feels like many years have passed, and honestly, you don't even know how much you can take. This hurts, every time you see your comrades die in front of you, every time your friends kill you... you don't have answers, they refuse to give answers. You are in the dark, alone and broken, but you are the only one who can help you stand and go again.

You look at the sky— feeling peace. Maybe this time will be different. The sky doesn't look the same as before... there's something different.

You try to remember the good old times, but you seem to forgot them. Nightmares replace them, leaving you in pain. There are no more 'good times', and even if you want to finish all of this, it's impossible.

But you promised to find us all.

And a promise can't be broken.

Someday... you will save us all.

"Hey [Name]! Breakfast is ready!"

*unshed tears shining in my eyes*

So beautiful and brutal at the same time😭

The Last Goodbye

Pairing: Anthony Bridgerton x Reader

Warnings: Infidelity, major character death, emotional distress, pregnancy loss, grief, regret, angst

Word Count: 1,000+

Inspired by @writing-fanics

It began as a whisper of discomfort. A slight fatigue that settled in your bones, an ache that did not fade even after hours of rest. At first, you dismissed it. A lady of your station had little time to entertain sickness—there were balls to attend, guests to entertain, and a household to manage. Anthony, always busy with his responsibilities, hardly noticed.

You told yourself it was nothing.

But then, the fevers came.

They crept in during the night, leaving you shivering beneath layers of blankets, yet drenched in sweat. The coughing followed—deep, wracking fits that left you breathless, clutching your chest as if you could hold your very life in place.

Still, you told Anthony nothing. He had already been so distant. His late nights had become more frequent, his excuses less convincing. Parliament meetings. Affairs of the estate. And yet, his cravat smelled of perfume that was not yours.

So you suffered in silence.

-

The physician confirmed what you already feared.

Your condition had worsened. There was no cure, only time—time that you did not have.

Benedict was the first to notice. He saw the way your hands trembled when you lifted your tea, the way your complexion had lost its color. He sat beside you more often, watching, worrying. It was Benedict who sent for Anthony the first time you collapsed, body too weak to carry you forward.

But your husband had not come home that night.

When he arrived the next morning, his eyes were tired, but not from concern. His cravat was slightly undone, the buttons of his waistcoat not fully fastened. You had seen him leave in pristine condition—he had not slept in your bed.

“Where were you?” you asked, voice hoarse from the previous night’s coughing.

Anthony hesitated, only for a fraction of a second, before forcing a smile. “Matters of business, darling.”

Lies.

But you were too tired to fight.

-

You were mostly confined to your bed now.

The sickness had taken too much of you—your strength, your appetite, your breath. Each step was a battle, each word an effort. The physicians tried what they could, but their expressions told you the truth.

You were dying.

And Anthony still had not noticed.

He came home later and later, his excuses becoming nothing more than background noise. He did not see the hollows beneath your eyes, the way your hands trembled when you reached for him. He did not see the way Benedict looked at him—how dare you leave her like this?—or the way your ladies’ maids turned away, unable to hide their pity.

You wanted to tell him. To scream at him. To make him see you.

But what use was a battle when the war was already lost?

So, you smiled when he kissed your forehead. You forced yourself to laugh when he told you of his day. You pretended you did not smell her perfume lingering on his coat.

And at night, when he did not come home, you wept.

-

Anthony had finally noticed.

It was Benedict—of course, it was Benedict—who had forced him to look at you.

“She is dying, Anthony,” Benedict spat, gripping his elder brother by the collar. “And where have you been? With her?”

Anthony had scoffed at first, had shoved Benedict away with a roll of his eyes. “You are being ridiculous. She is—”

Then he had seen you.

You had been sleeping when he entered the room, your form barely more than a shadow beneath the sheets. Your skin, once so full of warmth and color, was ghostly pale. Your lips were dry, cracked from fever. Your breaths came shallow, labored, the rise and fall of your chest so faint it terrified him.

“Y/N…”

He had whispered your name, but you had not stirred.

For the first time in months, Anthony had sat beside you. He had taken your hand—too thin, too cold—between his own and felt his heart plummet.

How had he not seen it?

How had he let this happen?

That night, Anthony left for Sienna’s townhouse, but not for the reasons he once had.

He was going to end it.

But Sienna did not make it easy.

“So now you remember you have a wife?” she had scoffed, draping herself over the chaise, eyes dark with amusement. “Is that not what I’ve always been to you, Anthony? A distraction from your duties? And now, because guilt tugs at your heart, you come to rid yourself of me?”

Anthony had clenched his jaw. “I should never have come to you in the first place.”

Sienna’s laughter had been bitter, cruel. “And yet, you did. Over and over again. While your wife lay dying in your grand estate, you were in my bed.”

He had left without another word. But the damage was done.

-

Anthony rushed through the doors of your chamber, breathless, desperate.

“Where is she?” His voice was frantic, cracking under the weight of fear.

Benedict was still seated beside you, his expression unreadable as he lifted his gaze.

“She is gone.”

The words knocked the air from Anthony’s lungs. His eyes darted to the bed, to your still form beneath the blankets, your face peaceful, untouched by the pain that had consumed you for months.

“No,” he whispered. “No, please—please, my love, wake up.”

He was at your side in an instant, grasping at your hands, pressing frantic kisses to your fingers, your knuckles, your wrists—anywhere he could reach. But you were so cold.

“Y/N,” he choked out, tears falling freely now, his whole body trembling. “Please, I am here now. I—I was going to fix this. I was going to—” His voice broke. “I should have been here.”

Benedict stood, his face void of sympathy. “Yes,” he said simply. “You should have.”

Anthony let out a strangled sob, his forehead pressing against your still chest. He had failed you. He had abandoned you in your final days, had left you to suffer alone while he chased after foolish, meaningless desires.

And now, it was too late.

You would never hear his apologies.

You would never know that in the end, he had chosen you.

All you had known before you left this world was his absence.

And for the rest of his days, Anthony Bridgerton would carry that unbearable, unshakable grief.

-

The world felt like it had stopped. The fire in the hearth flickered weakly, casting long shadows across the walls. The scent of lavender still lingered, but it was stale, lifeless—just like the room, just like you.

Anthony’s hands trembled as he held yours, the warmth he had once taken for granted completely gone. You weren’t asleep. You weren’t waiting for him.

You were gone.

A strangled sob tore from his throat. He pressed his lips to your knuckles, willing his love into your lifeless fingers, hoping—praying—that it would bring you back. But there was nothing left. Only the sound of his own broken breaths and the weight of the silence pressing down on him.

This was his fault.

He had left you to suffer alone, blind to the pain in your eyes, deaf to the way your voice had weakened. He had been with Sienna while you lay here, waiting for him, needing him. And now, when he finally realized what he had done—when he had finally chosen you—you were already gone.

He had failed you.

Benedict stood quietly by the door, watching, his gaze unreadable. He had been here, Anthony realized bitterly. He had been the one to hold you as you slipped away. He had been the one to witness your last breath.

Not Anthony.

Never Anthony.

“I told her you would regret this,” Benedict finally said, voice hoarse with grief. His fists clenched at his sides. “I told her you would come crawling back too late.”

Anthony couldn’t even argue.

He deserved every ounce of venom in his brother’s voice.

A rustle of parchment broke the silence.

Benedict reached into his coat, pulling out a folded letter, sealed with wax. He stepped forward, shoving it into Anthony’s hands, his eyes burning with something between sorrow and rage.

“She wrote this for you,” Benedict said, barely holding himself together. “She told me to give it to you only after…” His voice caught, but he swallowed hard and forced himself to continue. “After she was gone.”

Anthony could barely breathe as he looked at the letter. The edges were slightly crumpled, the ink slightly smudged—had she struggled to hold the pen? Had she been in pain while she wrote this?

With shaking fingers, he broke the seal.

My dearest Anthony,

If you are reading this, then it is already too late.

I wish I could have seen your face one last time. I wish I could have told you that I still love you, despite everything. But life is cruel, and time has run out for us.

I have known for some time now that I was not meant to stay in this world much longer. I felt it in the way my body betrayed me, in the way the pain settled into my bones, refusing to leave. I wanted to tell you, to beg you to stay, but I could not bring myself to do so. I knew your heart was elsewhere.

Perhaps it is selfish of me, but I wanted you to choose me on your own.

I wanted you to come home because you wanted to, not because you felt you had to.

But you never did.

And so, I made my peace with the silence.

But, my love, there is something I did not tell you—something I could not tell you.

I was with child.

Your child.

I found out only weeks before the sickness took hold of me. I had dreamed of telling you, of seeing your face light up with joy, of feeling your hand against my belly as our child grew. But I was afraid.

Afraid that you would not care.

Afraid that even this would not be enough to bring you home to me.

I wanted so badly for our child to know a father’s love, but as the weeks passed and my strength faded, I realized that they never would. I realized that I would never hold them, never hear their cries, never see them take their first breath.

I lost them before they ever had a chance to live.

And it broke me, Anthony.

It broke me in a way that nothing else ever could.

I know that you will carry guilt for this. I know that you will grieve. But I do not want my last words to be ones of anger or bitterness.

Despite it all, I loved you.

I loved you with every part of me, even as my heart shattered.

And I hope—no, I pray—that one day, you will learn to love again. That you will cherish what you once took for granted. That you will never let another love slip through your fingers as you did with me.

Goodbye, my love.

Yours, always,

Y/N

Anthony couldn’t see past his tears.

The letter crumpled in his grip, his hands shaking violently. A strangled, guttural cry tore from his chest, echoing through the room.

She had been pregnant.

With his child.

And he had never known.

He had left her alone to suffer, to mourn, to grieve the loss of their baby all by herself. She had gone to bed every night with the weight of their unborn child pressing against her ribs, knowing she would never hold them.

And he had been with Sienna.

Benedict turned away, unable to watch as Anthony broke completely.

He did not comfort him.

He did not tell him it was alright.

Because it wasn’t.

Because Anthony Bridgerton had done something no man should ever do—he had abandoned the love of his life in her time of need.

And now, he would have to live with it.

Forever.

Alive / Part X

Trigger warning: Mentions and descriptions about sexual abuse and rape. Word count: 459

The rest of the breakfast was tasty, but awkward. Ghost felt like Molly knew. (She does). She kept glancing at him and Soap, who were sitting next to each other, a mischevious smirk on her face.

After finishing eating, they helped clean the dishes and went up to their bedroom to brush their teeth. Ghost was quiet, but he could feel Soaps eyes on him the entire time. He wasn't sure what to say. It wasn't like he didn't enjoy what happened, not at all. It just felt so.... Weird. Unfamiliar. He's had his fair share of experiences, but it has been years. And in the mean time there were some.... Rather unpleasant events. He stood in front of the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. He could feel their hands on him, doing whatever they wanted to with his body, forcing him to go on his knees and please them. He wanted to puke, nausea overcoming him. "I had to , I had to, I had to survive", he repeated over and over in his mind, a tear rolling down his cheek. It had taken years before he could even touch himself again without having a panic attack. Since then no one had touched him in that way. He didn't want them to. Sometimes he missed the intimacy, but he was afraid to crave it, knowing he wouldn't be able to allow someone so close to him. But now there was Soap. Ghost damned himself for it, but he trusted the man. Fuck, he loved him. And for the first time in what seemend like a lifetime, he craved touch. His touch. His hands dug in his neck, knuckles white and leaving small, red shapes in his skin.

"You ok in there, lt?", Soaps voice sounded from outside the door. "Er, yea, 'm fine", Ghost hurried to answer, voice a bit choked up. Soap didn't say anything. Quickly wiping his wet eyes and putting on his stoic expression, he stepped out the bathroom. He was certain Soap could see that he had cried, but he luckily didn't say anything.

"So, you wanna go for a hike?", Soap asked lowly, inching closer to Ghost, putting his hands on his waist. Ghost suddenly felt claustrophobic. He loved his touch and hated it at the same time. He stumbled backwards. Soap looked confused at a bit hurt, no, more regretful.

Ghost cleared his throat. "Yea, why not. Lovely weather", he mumbled. He began to look for his cargo pants and a shirt. Soap was awfully quiet. Ghost wanted to slap himself for repulsing. He craved him so much it hurt. It scared him.

He turned around, wanting to say something. "I'm sorry, Johnny", he said.

But Soap was already gone.

Note: I did not plan for this to turn out this dark, but I wanted to bring in an explanation for Ghosts mixed feelings on intimacy, since his sexual abuse and rape are canon. I've personally never read the comics, so this is just my interpretation. I also want to mention that the reactions to sexual trauma are extremely subjective, how I described it here is just my personal experience.

A Little Too Late. Right? (1/?)

Right??

Yes, I had to re-upload this due to internet and spelling errors. I hope you guys enjoy it, but a warning; it’s sad. I also gave it a new title.

If you have recently experienced self-destructive thoughts, or have hurt yourself, please reachout to someone. we all love you, I love you, your friends and family love you, so please don’t hurt or think badly about yourself! If you think you have no one to talk too, then please come to me. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing to help you/get you the help you need. You’re not a burden, and never will be. No matter your age, gender, sexuality, race, etc, you are loved, even if you don’t believe it. so please; reach out to someone, or reach out to me, and I promise, you’ll feel better.

Warnings: Self-Harm Mention, Self-Destructive Behavior, Heavy Angst, Pissed Off Jetstorm, Depressed Jetfire, Forest Fires, and Burnt Bodies (Kinda)

Note: Emergency requests are now open. If you need something written for mental health, those will be the first ones to get done before any other requests.

Molten ash.

      It was all that Jetfire could see through the hazed smoke, faint crackling filling his audio receptors. Where was he? Who was he? What happened? Questions threw themselves inside his pounding processors as he winced sharply. He made no move to get up, not knowing the damage his body had taken. He exhaled roughly, his chest aflame from the surrounding heat. He was going to die here. And…he was ok with that. He hated that he was ok with that, knowing he should be strong as a member of the Elite Guard but, where were they? He saw no sign of them. He didn’t blame them, they probably wanted this. He wasn’t much help, he only caused destruction. What kind of a useful weapon is fire anyway?? Did he cause this? Did he cause his own death? A staticked chuckle pushed itself past his burnt metal lips. He deserved this didn’t he? Jetstorm didn’t need him, he was always great on his own; he didn’t need him. Jetfire’s flickering optics looked around him. He was surrounded by wild flames but past that, he could see trees, or… what was left of them. Tall burnt, shriveled sticks laid where lush green trees used to stand. He laid on a ground of wet mud, as the flames around him melted any remaining snow in the area. His optics dulled. So…he did do this. He could feel coolant try to fall from his wet optics but it would simply evaporate. The flames seemed to rise, knowing his emotions and feelings; after all, he did make them; and they crept closer to his frame. “I”. His voice couldn’t seem to work, making him frown. “I be sorry”. He pushed through the pain of his burning throat, even though it was begging to not be used, begging for recovery. “I be sorry brother”. His Russian accent almost seemed to melt away, taking his voice box with it. The pain was unbearable, but shouldn’t he be used to it? After all the things he had done to himself, why did this hurt the most? His chest tightened around his spark, almost feeling as though it began crushing it. He groaned. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much. But, he knew he deserved it. Didn’t he? He had to, right? It didn’t matter. He was going to finally die, and nothing could stop that. He looked at himself, using all the strengthen left to lift his head up. Both of his legs had burnt cabling jetting out of them, and sparks flying. His hands where as dark as soot, creating black streaks on his body and the surrounding ground around him. All white on his beautiful frame was now a dark, murky, deep grey. And his Autobot insignia. It was melted, fused to his chest plate. On the ground around him was bright pink Energon, some of it even boiling. He was a fucking mess. “I was so sure”. He smiled at the hazy sky before shutting his eyes for the last time.

     His body shook, tears dripping out of his bright blue optics. Jazz held him close, stroking his back comfortingly while glancing at Sentinal Prime, who was looking down; grief lacing his faceplate. “I-“. The Prime hesitated. “I don’t know what we can do”. The crying mech glanced furiously at him, his teeth moving into a snarl. “What?! What you mean you don’t know what we can do?!” Jetstorm clawed at his helm, placing scratches in it. “We don’t know where he went. He was out of control”! The prime persuaded the young bot, knowing anything else he could say wound make him snap. “Brother is out there”! Jetstorm choked oh his dripping tears as Jazz patting his back slightly to help him. Sentinal Prime looked at his cremate, not knowing what to do in a situation like this. “Jetstorm I-”. The furious blue mech interrupted him. “Please…Don’t tell me anything”. His voice was now much calmer as he sobbed openly. “I will go find Jetfire, With or without your help”. He pushed himself away from Jazz and ran out of the ship before transforming quickly and jetting off, as fast as he could possibly go. The air was cold, yes, but he couldn’t give two flying shits. He needed Jetfire. He needed his twin. Jetstorm knew that he would never forgive himself if he allowed Jetfire to offline himself. But…what if he was too late? Despite being in jet mode, coolant still fell from his optics. He sped up, not caring about any of the sleeping humans below. He needed to find his twin. He blasted through the city, advancing to the full forest past Lake Erie.  He didn’t know how far he traveled, but it felt like it took him years just to leave the city. Jetstorm’s thoughts where full of hatred. All words himself. He could have been there. He SHOULD have been there. But he wasn’t. His brother was out there; in the freezing frost; hurt and full of self-hatred. He needed his brother. And his brother needed him.

     The flight was long, too long before Jetstorm could see smoke in the distance, causing his to go at full blast. Before he knew it, a puff of smoke became hungry flames, reaching high into the air. He transformers quickly, hitting the earth hard before looking around at the hissing inferno. His breaths where frantic. This had to be his doing. It HAD to! Coolant stained his cheek as he moved hand up, before sending a powerful blast of a water cyclone at the flames, extinguishing a few of them. He did this a few times, checking every spot he could. He wouldn’t give up, but there was no sign of his beloved brother.  That was, until he stepping something. He slowly looked down and lifted his foot. He let out a chocked sob as pink Energon coated his ped. He set is foot down, and looked around ferociously until his eyes fell on a sigh that he wished he never saw. Jetfire laid on the muddy ground, none of his colors where even recognizable as he was covered in scorched soot. Jetstorm sprinted to his brother and slid on his knees to the burnt frame. “B-brother”? His voice was barely above a whisper as he went to go touch him, but froze, hands above his twin’s chest, feeling the heat radiating off of his frame. “Poor b-brother”. His sobs returned as he laid his helm on his twin’s chest, and sobbed into it. He was too late. He had failed himself but most importantly, he had failed Jetfire. “Brother, I am of the sorry”! He sobbed and sobbed, till he couldn’t sob anymore. He kept his helm on his brother and heaved a quivered sigh as loose tears washed away a bit of soot on Jetfire’s frame. His brother was gone. Gone forever.

Ba-dum

“W-what”?

Ba-dum

Jetstorm froze before placing his audio fin over the center of his brother’s chest.

Ba-dum

Was it?

Ba-dum

It was!

     A spark beat filled his ears, causing him to burst into tears again, but not from sadness. Oh no, not from sadness at all.  Jetstorm pulled his brother’s limp body into his arms and sobbed. He was alive. Jetfire was alive. “T-thank t-the All S-Spark”! The fire that used to surround the twins had died down, now only weak little flames, being extinguished  quickly by the snow that began to fall. He scooped his brother up gently in his arms and used one hand to comm Sentinal. Moments later, a swirl of blue and green appeared, and Jetstorm heaved a sigh. “Brother, we be heading home”.

Rip

Some Noise angst doodles based off of my Pizza Tower angst fanfiction “Dolor” (ignore the memes they’re there to take up the empty spaces)

(Individual doodles under the cut)

A Time's Mind

author:

Widow_Spyder

summary:

Gen shut off the TV with a huff, angrily throwing the remote onto the floor before burying his head into the couch cushion and letting himself go.

Oh yes indeed, everyone was having the time of their lives, back in a newly minted world with technology and high rises and working water pumps. Everyone except for one. Because of those 367 days since they saved humanity. Gen had been alone for 322 of them.

Murderplier x female reader - Love: The Imaginary Dagger

(A/n: This story was inspired by Loki’s "What is love" quote. I hope you all enjoy it!) ----------------------

Love is a dagger

Murdock never had time for love. His hobby kept him quite busy and his job certainly didn’t help that case either. Being a paid murderer wasn’t easy. The constant thrill of the hunt if his victims ran, the adrenaline rushing through his veins as he slowly tortured and killed them, and the long and arduous process of hiding his presence and evidence from the police kept him on his toes and occupied a good portion of his brain. It never got easier, but that’s what made it so fun so who was he to complain? 

Today was another day and another murder. Murdock was hired by an anonymous man to take out a woman. He was given a brief description as well as some pictures of the man and woman together. She was beautiful, he couldn’t deny that, but a job was a job and he had to see it through. As he roamed the streets of her residencial city, he noticed her across the street. 

The murderer frowned in frusteration. He couldn’t simply shoot her from his position. The streets were rather crowded that day which meant at least one person would see him take out his target. 

He needed to get closer. 

As Murdock quickly crossed the street, he watched as she entered a French style cafe. He rolled his eyes at her choice of dining. That specific cafe was known both for their amazing food, and for their incredibly fake accents. She could’ve done so much better, but that wasn’t for him to decide. Maybe this was his chance.

He quickly entered the cafe, which to his dismay was rather packed. Looking around, he saw plenty of people but not enough seats, and surely no sign of his target. “Bonjour! How may we help you today?” Came an awfully fake French accent and Mudock looked to see a scrawny waiter in a suit vest and pants with dyed blue hair. “Uhh, I’ll take a black coffee please.” He said this out of slight panic, but played it cool on the outside. “Ah, splendid! Would you like cream? Sugar? And are you dining in or ordering to go?” 

“No thanks, and I’d like to dine in, though I don’t see any available seats.”

“You can sit with me! Don’t worry!” A feminine voice interrupted, and both turned to see his target waving at them from her spot in a booth with a beautiful smile. Murdock was shocked. She was even more beautiful in person. The pictures he had been given just didn’t do her justice. Yes (Y/n) (L/n), his next victim, had taken his breath away with only a single sight. 

“Ah magnifique! I’ll get your order ready right away, sir.” Murdock nodded at the man and sat down across from (Y/n). “What’s your name, sir?” She asked, making him tense up slightly. He wasn’t used to his targets being so friendly right away. “My name’s.. Murdock Iplier. What’s yours?” She smiled again, making his cheeks heat up just a little. “My name’s (Y/n) (L/n). It’s nice to meet you.” He already knew her name, but this interaction with her didn’t bother him at all. How many times had he charmed his female victims through conversation only to slaughter them and laugh at their rotting corpses? Too many to count. 

Murdock’s drink arrived soon after and the pair in the booth began to talk. He found himself engaged solely in the conversation, and his thoughts avoided the gruesome topic of his mission. After his cup was empty, (Y/n) excused herself to go to the bathroom and his thoughts returned. 

‘I could put some drugs in her drink.’ He thought, staring at her drink from his side of the table. He contemplated it for a minute, but couldn’t bring himself to pull through. She returned to the table and they returned to their previous conversation, the murderous task once again forgotten.

When the bills later arrived at the table, Murdock paid both of them off much to (Y/n)’s surprise. “Why did you pay for mine?” He smiled at her, internally chuckling as her face donned a slight pink hue. “I owe you for letting me sit with you. It’s the least I can do to repay your kindness.” She looked down with a shy “Thank you.” They left the cafe together, about to part ways when she suddenly turned around. “Hey, uh… Murdock?” He looked at her beautiful being again with a slight head tilt, waiting for her to continue. “Would you.. maybe want to do this again sometime?”  

He was shocked and surprised to say the least but smiled and nodded. “I would like that very much. Would it be alright then if I got your number?” The slight pink on (Y/n)’s cheeks turned into a darker shade and she nodded happily. The two exchanged contacts and left in different directions, his target still very much alive. 

It’s a weapon to be wielded far away or up close. 

Their next meeting turned into another and that third outing turned into many more. Much to his confusion, Murdock began to feel odd around his stalled target. There were butterflies in his stomach when he thought about her, his face became unnaturally warm when he looked into her (e/c) eyes or received a text asking to meet up, and every waking moment was about his lovely (Y/n) in his arms without a worry in the world. He had to kill her. That was his mission and he had to see it through, but much to his confusion, he didn’t want to kill her.

How did this happen? The cold hearted killer, Murdock Iplier, didn’t want to end the insignificant life of his victim? No, he didn’t. He wanted to protect her and that’s what scared him. He wasn’t supposed to gain any actual feelings of affection toward her. She was supposed to be dead. That’s what he was being paid to do. So then why does he keep meeting up with her? Why didn’t he just do this one job and move on with his life? Why did he put it off and take other jobs, completing them without any problem? 

He needed to kill her and he needed to do it now.

After they went out again the next day, Murdock invited her to his home, which was the perfect place to eliminate her without anyone noticing. As he led her to his living room, he grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around (Y/n). The night had been rather chilly so she thought it was nice, but in Murdock's mind it could also help with carrying the body away without getting blood stains on the couch. 

They settled down and began to watch a movie. There was a knife nearby, if only he could reach it without her panicking.. the job would be over before he knew it. His arm, as he reached for the hidden weapon, wrapped around her shoulder and his face got close to hers. Both of them blushed heavily at the position they were in, but neither of them seemed to mind it. 

Slowly but surely, they leaned in and their lips met in a warm and sweet kiss. The knife and movie were quickly forgotten as they continued their moment of passion, both of them only separating for quick breaths before coming back for more. This carried on for several minutes before they both finally pulled away, red faced and panting. 

"Murdock.." (Y/n) murmured softly, looking into his chocolate brown eyes as he stared back. Embarrassed, he buried his face in the crook of her neck, feeling her warm flesh meet his flushed cheek. (Y/n)’s right hand ascended to his hair, massaging his head while her left embraced him in a hug. 

He began to pepper small, chaste butterfly kisses on her neck and lower jaw which made her giggle. He was simply relishing in the glory and warmth that was (Y/n)'s embrace without a care in the world. Her melodic voice reached his ears and he smiled. "I love you, Murdock." 

"I.. I love you too." 

That night, once again, his victim left his clutches unscathed. 

Murdock groaned in anger. Why couldn’t he do it? Why didn’t he let himself harm her? He was a cold blooded killer with a heart and soul as black as the coffee he drank, so why couldn’t he bring himself to go through with his job? As he lay down on his couch, the plush cushions still warm from where the two had been together, he realized the horrific truth.

He was actually in love with his victim, (Y/n) (L/n) and there was nothing he could do about it.

You can see yourself in it.

"So, hypothetically, if you wanted to hide a dead body, would you remove the feet of the victim after their hands or would you not take them at all?" 

Murdock looked over at his girlfriend in shock. This was not something he expected to hear from (Y/n) of all people. "Why would you want to remove the feet?" 

"Toes have fingerprints too, right? So if you wanted to make sure that the body couldn't be identified by prints, you would want to cut the feet off too, right?" 

Murdock laughed a bit and leaned forward. "Why would you need to know the answer to this hypothetical question?" 

"I've been really into mystery and Detective shows and novels recently and I was wondering if that was logical." 

He smiled at his lover. "Well, I don't think toeprints are used enough in crime labs nor would anyone have active records of them to keep, so I'd say the answer is no. You could leave the feet, but if you're paranoid enough, sure take em." 

It was these rare moments he could talk about something pertaining to his job without causing a panic. She still didn't know, nor would she ever if he could help it. 

Sometimes, however, he did wonder how she would be as a partner to his work. With her passion for crime knowledge, she could help in so many ways, but alas he needed to keep his dirty work a secret. It was for the best. 

Murdock just wanted to be with her and his job prevented so many happy possibilities from happening. He thought once again about the best way to get rid of her but his heart ached at the mere thought of her being gone. He could never hurt her. How could he hurt the one person who made him feel so alive? The thought of (Y/n) leaving him hurt just as much as the reality that he still had a job to do and telling her would be a one way ticket to heartbreak.

Their one year anniversary was coming up and Murdock dreaded it. One year, no, over one year of putting off what was supposed to be an easy kill and run mission. His employer had reached out to him many times asking why the job wasn’t done yet, but how could Murdock tell him that he was in love with and dating the person he was hired to kill? That night, as he lay in his bed after another date with (Y/n), he silently cried because he finally knew how to kill the love of his life.

It’s beautiful until it makes you bleed.

“Happy anniversary, darling.” Murdock invited her into his home, admiring the beautiful woman in front of him. (Y/n) smiled and gave him a warm and comforting hug. The clock on the wall was ticking, irritating the murderous male. It was another reminder of his limited time. Why was he doing this?

He had made dinner for the two of them, cooking her favorite meal which brought a smile to her face. Murdock’s heart panged painfully in his chest. How many more times would he be able to see that happy face? Nevermind. He didn’t want to know.

After dinner came relaxation and he put some nice music on. The couple cuddled on the couch, relishing in the warmth that they both produced. Murdock wanted to be happy, but he couldn’t be. The clock ticked again, and every click made Murdock feel sick. He couldn’t do this.

But he had to… or else she would eventually find out and leave. He couldn’t deal with that pain. He didn’t want to let her go but he needed to.

As he was untangling himself from his lover, a song came up over the radio and (Y/n) smiled excitedly. “Dance with me! I love this song!” The song was a sappy tune about star crossed lovers who wanted to be together but one of them had to leave the other forever. ‘How fitting.’ Thought Murdock as his hands landed on her hips and her arms wrapped around his neck. 

They gazed into each other’s eyes as the music played, the pair lazily swaying side to side, completely lost in the moment. Murdock knew that one day, this very scene would be his own personal hell. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to her forehead and then taking her hands as he knelt down on one knee.

(Y/n)’s look of surprise and happiness made Murdock nervous as he pulled out a small leather box. Opening it up, he produced a beautiful ring, black metal with a small red ruby in the middle. With a dry throat and shaky knees, he spoke.

“(Y/n), I love you. There’s no other way to say it. You’ve impacted my life in a way I could never repay. My life changed forever when you let me sit with you at that cafe. I don’t want to imagine my life without you, so will you marry me?” 

She nodded happily and threw her arms around him, kissing him on the lips. Murdock couldn’t prevent tears from falling as he held his darling. The ring found its new home on (Y/n)’s left ring finger and the two shared their love together. The song was ending and Murdock’s right hand flicked slightly behind her, producing a knife from inside his sleeve. 

With shaky hands and a heavy heart, he drove the blade deep into her back. A small gasp escaped her kiss swollen lips and she looked into his eyes, tears filling her own. “M-Murdock?” she whispered as she fell into his arms, the light leaving her eyes forever. 

He had done it. Murdock Iplier had finally completed his year-long task, but it cost him everything. He cursed himself, hugging the limp body of his lover and crying into her shoulder, wishing he would have taken it back. Why did he do this? He loved her and he killed her. His hands were shaking as he took off the engagement ring and hung it around his neck, right next to his pendant. 

He sadly carried her body down to a special furnace in his basement where he cremated her body. Many hours and with many tears later he took her ashes, placing them in both a fancy box, and a small portion was placed in a small vial which joined the ring and charm on his necklace. 

The murderous man informed his employer that the deed was done, but refused to accept the pay. No amount of money could replace the treasure that he had taken from the world. The world looked so bleak and cold. He could hardly remember the last time he felt like this. The world had seemed so bright and wonderful when she was with him and now his darling, his light, and his world was gone. 

He was alone with no one to blame but himself. His heart, once joyful and light, was heavy and as dark as his preferred coffee. (Y/n)’s last look of betrayal and pain was burned into his memory and as he sat on his couch, realizing that her lightly perfumed scent still lingered on the cushioned seat, he held his head in his hands and cried. 

Love is an imaginary dagger.