Gifted Kid Burnout - Blog Posts

school has been burning me tf out but heres these sick ass pants n scenery pics from a bit ago

Etudier

Avant, étudier c’était pour faire briller des étoiles dans les yeux des adultes. C’était pour faire croire que j’étais quelqu’un de bien, de digne d’intérêt. C’était facile, c’était un jeu, je me racontais des histoires, ce en quoi j’excellais, on disait tu iras loin, et j’étais persuadée que c’était vrai. Longtemps, étudier a été une échappatoire, une fierté, un moteur d’ambition, quelque chose que j’aimais.

J’écrivais mes dictées comme des lettres d’amour. Je récitais l’alphabet comme un poème. Etudier valait la peine.

Aujourd’hui, maintenant que je suis adulte (qu’il est laid, ce mot, qu’il est écrasant), étudier est un mot qui me tord le ventre. Ce sont sept lettres comme une menace irrationnelle, sept lettres en moi qui font résonner les pierres. Pour mes études j’ai créé des échos qui font rouler des graviers dans ma gorge et me lacèrent de l’intérieur, l’angoisse en est devenue physique, et moi je suis : incontrôlable. J’ai des coups de sang, des crises de larmes, des rages infantiles. Je me noie entre mes fiches et mes listes interminables.

Il faut croire que même les études réveillent des monstres. Je suis terrifiée : de rater ma vie, de ne rien valoir, de me battre sans savoir pourquoi. Je suis terrifiée de poursuivre dans cette voie et de me rendre compte dans trente ans que ce n’était pas la mienne, que voilà, je me suis trompée, et que j’ai passé toute une vie à satisfaire des désirs qui n’étaient jamais les miens. C’est que je ne suis pas faite pour choisir, je n’ai pas de voie, non ; je suis mouvante et incapable de faire le deuil des possibles.

Je ne sais pas me définir sans ma quête de perfection, mes ambitions démesurées, mes exigences tyranniques. Je ne suis pas : sociable, jolie, intéressante, drôle, désirable. Alors je ne sais pas qui je suis si je ne parviens pas à réussir. C’est tout ce qu’il me reste. Je ne sais rien faire d’autre que cela, répondre à des exigences académiques, rentrer dans la norme, avoir un parcours sans accrocs.

Pour la première fois, étudier n’est pas facile. Peut-être que je n’irai pas si loin. Peut-être a-t-on placé en moi trop d’espoirs, trop d’attentes : des étouffements. J’ai l’impression que je n’ai jamais grandi, que j’ai fait semblant. Comment se faire à l’idée de décevoir ?

I’m here getting B’s in my English essays

If only the English curriculum had us analysing ya books instead of books I’ve never heard of in my life

I would be an A+ student

alone again but the peaceful kind. listening to music while reading and annotating a book while drinking caffeinated beverages and not bothering about humans or their world

Genuinely crashing out right now cuz I spent hours for days on end doing my HL essay for my senior IB English class. I worked so damn hard analyzing everything, typing it out, editing back to back, and I turned it in just before the deadline only to realize it fucking slipped my mind to attach my AI detected screenshot to prove that I made it. So I emailed my teacher, only to realize that holy fuck, I forgot to make citations too!

I rarely ever cry over school anymore but bro, it's 12:23 AM. I was literally dipping in and out of consciousness just to wake up and turn it in before the deadline only to realize I fucked up, and I gotta finish another essay, and I gotta wake up at 6:30 AM for the bus, and then I gotta tutor motherfuckers in the morning before my IB English class at 8:31 AM, take a test, and read 30 pages for Wednesday. Like... I'm literally sobbing right now over this shit and idk who or where to vent to. Anyway, James Sunderland.

Omg gifted kid brain...why are you not gifted kid braining?

Probably because you never developed good studying strategies (you don't fucking know how to revise girl) cause you always got good grades without studying, and now you are fucked in highschool.

Former gifted kid doesn’t immediately understand her homework and breaks down at her work desk (three dead, five injured)

getting straight a's in any writing based subject but not being able to subtract functions for the love of god is so infuriating

from my dnd session tonight:

"did we put too much pressure on the prodigy is it broken now?"

schools be like

personality

who would i be

if you took me apart

stripped me down to my bones

and then polished them until they gleamed

what would be running through my veins?

a hint of humor, a glimpse of girlhood

who would i be if you took out my brain

who am i if i'm not smart

an overachiever

always looking for some way to get ahead

if you dissected my heart, what would exist there?

am i anything at all?

i used to have a personality

i think

but now i am just a hollow shell of a person

it's what tiredness does to a person

stripped out my essence like the machine in fahrenheit 451 replaced mildred's bloods

see

see how i can't even write without hints of my schooling sneaking in

what have i ever been if not smart

and who will i be

when even that

is taken away

why didnt anybody tell me

that growing up

got so hard

soldier, poet, king

i took the soldier, poet, king test

i got king

of course i got king

what else was i possibly expecting

when has my life ever not been a burden for me to bear

a weight placed on my shoulders

"a natural leader" they called me as if they did not make me this way

forged me to be independent (quiet) and strong (afraid to ask for help) and a leader (needing to take charge because things are easier if

i

do

them

myself)

kings are the gifted children

i was so far ahead they didn't know what to do with me

and now i'm average

and it hurts

Duty. Strength. Resignation.

when did i stop doing things for the love of them

when did life become a chore

when did everything become a routine to follow before i could be done

when did i start hating everything i did

when did i become the king

was i always the king?

they ruined me

they turned me into this

this is their fault

and now i'm the king

yes, king.

always king.

it was never going to be different.

and i'll take the crown

and live with it

and wish

maybe

i could be the poet instead

when taylor swift said "i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere" and when liana flores said "i could do better if i had energy" and when hayley kiyoko said "i can't be alone, i need some help" and when maisie peters said "i was good, just wasn't good enough" and when phoebe bridgers said "how long will it be cute, all this crying in my room?"

romanticizing studying as to avoid a breakdown