Funny Headcanon - Blog Posts

Previously on...

Assassin's Creed

Lost in Modern Ages

Now on with the show!

Leonardo: ... *moves the mask around a bit to get a better look* fascinating... I have never seen any comedy mask like this before!

New York, somewhere hidden in the city is the assassin's creed household. In the house, Leonardo Da Vinci is currently studying and observing SCP 035, who had almost succeeded in turning Jacob into another one of his temporary hosts. While Jacob himself is currently pouting and is covered in bruises from Shaun and Desmond tackling him down into the rubble of an old Venice house. Trying to stop him from putting SCP 035 on his face. Shaun and Desmond stand by Leonardo while he observes the mask (with safety tongs of course). While Evie and Ezio are trying their best to console Jacob from the incident that had taken place. Some of the others watch intently as Leonardo tries to get a better understanding of the possessive mask.

Shaun: you can say that again...

Evie: come on Jacob.

Jacob: *huffs and turns away from Evie*

Evie: Jacob I said I was sorry! I didn't actually, believe you were being serious.

Jacob: well I was!

Ezio: come now amico, you can't be mad at your sister forever.

Jacob: bet!

Evie: *sighs*

Malik: so explain to us why this *does air quotes* "possessive mask" tried to get Jacob to wear it, exactly?

Connor: ya cause this thing... looks cursed.

Shaun: right. Desmond you wanna give this one away or-

Desmond: ya I got this one. *clears throat* Ok so basically the possessive mask, better known to the foundation as SCP-035, is a possessive mask that requires a human or humanoid-like host, organic or not so long as it has a humanoid face shape, it will possess the body and will essentially cause the original person to go brain dead and well dies.

Shaun: Once then, he'll take over that body and talk through it with his voice, he'll sometimes take on the traits of those he possesses, going as far as to even know every bit of information and memory that the person had when they were alive. And-

Rebecca: and he knows everything about the human brain and mind so this guy knows how to talk you into doing anything he wants you to do. He also has telepathic abilities as well.

Shaun: . . .

Desmond: . . .

Rebecca: what? Come on you guys, you think you are the only ones who are into this stuff?

Arno: Uh... so wait- hold on so, why choose Jacob as a host?

Jacob: because I'm awsome-

Shaun: probably because he was the easiest out of all of us there to be persuaded into putting him on.

Jacob: Hey!

Edward: So that mask can talk too?

Desmond: ya- well kind of.

Edward: if that mask can talk, then why isn't it talking?

Shaun: surprisingly, I have no idea. Usually this thing loves to talk.

Maria: You also mentioned something about a foundation. What kind of foundation are you refuring to?

Desmond: The SCP foundation.

Alexios: s.c.p?

Desmond: Secure.

Shaun: Contain.

Rebecca: Protect.

Desmond: We die in darkness so you may live in the light-

Connor: Wait, wait! ... that kind of sounds like our saying...

Arno:... What?

Connor: You know. The whole, "We work in the dark to serve the light." That phrase.

Jacob: I SAY WE SUE THEM-

Ezio: ya wait- HEY! They completely stole our phrase and just re-worded it!

Desmond: I-... Huh, I never noticed that before.

Aveline: OK can we get back to the foundation thing! Desmond, continue please.

Desmond: Right, well they're the main goal is to contain anomalies as a way of protecting humanity from the danger some of them possess, and to study and research them and how they work, as well as keeping the normalcy of the world.

Shaun: living or Object.

Rebecca: or just weird phenomenons that happen.

Jacob: secure, contain, protect ... Ok I'll give them this... That's a cool acronym! Why can't we do something like that!?

Bayek: Because we never needed one.

Edward: well ya but it be really nice to have one.

Alexios: The Templars have a name to brand themselves and make money why can't we?

Ezio: they have point.

Aya: we're not get an acronym for the creed.

Jacob: well why not!? We could brand ourselves and make cash!

Connor: I'm fine with how we have creed as it is.

Jacob: Oh Connor! You silly, silly, man... acronyms are cool if you know how to do it right. Makes you stick out.

Malik: exactly why we don't need one.

There is an eerie, echo of mocking laughter that fills the room, sending shivers down everyone's spine, as everyone slowly starts turning their attention to the mask still being held in the tongs Leonardo was using to hold it.

035: "My your all quite the delight to be around~. Talking about the most simplest off topic things then make it a big deal out of it the deeper you go. It's quite amusing really~."

Leonardo nearly drops the tongs he was using to hold the mask, just bearly catching them in time.

Desmond: alright @$$hole what's your game here?

035: "Aw~ can't we just have a nice chat? I am a people person after all."

Jacob: screw you! You nearly turned me into a walking corps for you to pilot!

035: "Touché now aren't we?"

Maria: ok... this is just getting werid even for us.

Malik: agreed.

Shaun: Don't even think about trying to mind control us either.

Rebecca: ya! We're elite b@#$, you can't touch us.

035: "I can see that. Many of you in the room currently each have the gift. The gift of the ancient Isu race. It would be a challenge... but who doesn't like a good challenge? Isn't that right Leonardo. Ah how good it is to see such a now famous face."

Leonardo: we've... met before?

035: "oh yes! 1487, you were invited by some of the richest Nobleman in the country of Italy to have one of you paintings displayed in an art gallery. I ran into when you were looking at some of the other art pieces inside. I recognized one of your works and complmented you on it. Remember?"

Leonardo: *nervously chuckles* I think you have the wrong painter, cause I would have certainly... remember. . .

Ezio: ... Leo?

Leonardo: . . .

Desmond: Uh Leonardo?

Leonardo: . . . *gently puts the metal tongs down onto the table and walks over behind Ezio, only to stare blankly at the mask in horror* . . . I remember you now.

Jacob: Wait! Wait! Hold up! So you have, actually met this family mask!?

035: "indeed he has! You know, Ezio your friend here was quite different from all the ither artist I meet that day. He's Cheerful, optimistic, smart, well rounded, open minded, greatly empathic and expressive, and very curious man by nature. He did actually almost uncovered my secret during our talk, that was how curious of a man you were. But Leonardo is also a chronic procrastinator, and very easily distractible. If I hadn't pointed out one of the paintings to you had done, Hehe, you might have actually uncovered my secrect long ago.

Ezio: Hey-! Wait... how did you know my-

Shaun: he can read minds Ezio, remember?

Leonardo: Mio dio...

035: That's my name! Well the name I prefer to be called by.

Malik: Dio?

035: Well actually it's more of D y o. Greak name. Ah the greaks and the Roman empire, such a marvelous time to be alive then. Right Alexios?"

Alexios: oh indeed it is! Quite a beautiful place!

Arno: Don't fuel the fire Alexios! It's trying to get inside your head by feeding you complements!

Shaun: Wait so were you actually made by greak Gods or-

Desmond: Shaun, buddy come on we've been over this. I still think he's secretly the black lord of Alagadda.

Shaun: yes but how on earth does Alagadda line up with the bits and pieces of information the foundation has on him so far?

Desmond: he's a big @$$ lier Shaun! You can't believe ever word that comes out his mouth.

Shaun: true but-

Connor: OK! Are we done here!?

035: "nope! And please you two do keep talking. I rather like this little side conversation about me~."

Jacob: f@#$ you.

035: "Aw~ is someone still mad about me?"

Jacob: yes!?!?

035: "Well I guess that makes two of you then."

Desmond: uhm, two?

035: "Yes, isn't that right... Kassandra."

Everyone in the living room turned and looked up to see Kassandra standing their with face of anger spread across it, lookimh stright down at the mask. Her staff of caduceus in her hands.

Alexios: sister?

Kassandra: . . . What. The hell. Is that damn maks. . . Doing in our house!?

🎭🦅

There will be more 😉

Stay tuned for the next part 👌

Don't tell scp 049

Day 4

053 was playing with 682 and 079 in the foundation's hallway. 053 was drawing on 682's face again while 079's monitor sat next to them watching, when suddenly the sounds of loud wheeping was heard close by.

053: *stops drawing for a second* huh? Do you here that?

079: *beeps* detecting sounds of auditory distress of- *beeps* Crying.

682: probably 096, crying as usual again. We can just ignore it.

053: crying? Hm... *gets up* can you bring me over to where the crying is coming from Lizze?

682: *sighs* ... very well. *scoops up 079 with his tail then scoops up 053 with his head*

053: *slides down on to 682's neck* Wheee! *giggles* Alright Lizze! Follow those sobs!

682 stood up on his four limbs and starts walking his way over to the source of the crying. After a few minutes of walking 682 turned a corner, only to quick pause and stay hidden behind the corner wall.

053: Hey, why'd we stop?

682: take a look for yourselves. *brings 079 forward to look*

053: *peeks around the corner*

079: *beeps* it would seem that 682's theory is correct. *beeps*

Down the short hallway the three see scp 096 crying by scp 049's containment cell door. The scp was huddled in his usual fetal position leaning his side against the door of the cell. In his arms he is holding what looks to be a small plush toy that resembled the plague doctor, cradling the toy in his arms as he wept. Luckily for the group of on lookers there was a paper back over 096's head.

053: Aw~! I think he's sad because he misses the doctor!

682: that pale, dull, creature cries constantly fpr no reason. What makes this crying any different?

079: *beeps* It is a, possibility, that scp 096, sees scp 049, as it's possible care taker. *beeps* As a protector of some kind. *beeps* No doubt, that it is because of 049's success, in looking at the 096's face, and lived to tell the tale. *beeps*

682: I don't see how that excuse of a doctor managed to survive such an incounter with a creature like that... (just looking at it is disgusting.)

053: Maybe tshy saw something in the doctor that gave him comfort. Like... like... Oh! like a parent! ... I better he really misses doc...

096: *wheeps and sobs while holding the plushie in his hands tightly to him*

053: *starts thinking* hm... oh! What if we made him a feel better cupcake!?

682: hm... *sighs* if that is what you wish. I will not try and stop you.

053: YAY! *hops onto 682's back* Do you know where the kitchen is Lizze?

682: No, but 079 might.

079: *beeps* I am able to locate the kitchen, but I will need to be plugged into the facilities security systems inorder to do so. *beeps*

053: good! Cause we're gonna make shy the beat! feel better cupcake ever! *hops back onto Lizze*

After they plugged in 079 to the security room, they manged to find their way onto the kitchen.

053: *puts on a little chief's hat* Alright Lizze, if we're going to make this the best feel better cupcake ever! We're going to need ingredients! *goes over to the fridge and starts pulling out all the ingredients necessary to make a cupcake* *struggles to hold all the ingredients*

682: *sighs* *uses his tail to lift 053 up on to the counter with the ingredients* be careful.

053: *giggles* don't worry Lizze, I am an expert at this! I remember seeing my parents make these before, so it should be easy as baking pie! Now, let's begin! First, we need a bowl!

682: *goes through of the cabinets and pulls out a bowl and places it by 053*

053: thank you Lizze! *tries to pick up the flour* n-next we need- *tries to pour it in the bowl* flour! *spills a bunch out and onto the floor and counter*

682: *gets a bit of flour in his face* care full Abby. *wipes the flour off his face*

079: *beeps* I believe that is over the preferred amount of flour. *beeps*

053: I'm sure it'll be ok! *puts the flour down*

the flour nearly falls off the counter spilling a bit onto 682 again, who caught it with his tail and putting back up onto the counter.

053: Next we need... surger! *grabs the a bag of sugar and starts to pour it into the bowl without any problems* see! No trouble! *starts getting the next ingredients*

079: *beeps* there is a high chance that this will end in a very large mess. *beeps*

682: don't worry to much about that. Let the child do what she's doing, we let the scientists deal with it for later.

An hour and a half later.

The kitchen was in complete chaos. Different ingredients were splattered everywhere, and some how on the ceiling. 053 had fallen asleep on top of 682 while waiting for the cupcake to finishing backing in the oven. 682 had let the young girl fall asleep on his back while he rested by the oven, all while 079 was playing a game of pong against himself. So far the score has been zero to zero. There was then 079 started to be like a timer.

079: *stops his beeping* Cupcake is done.

682 looks up at the oven and gently wakes up 053 from her nap.

053: hm?

682: Cupcake is done.

053: Cupcake? ... oh right! *quickly gets up and grabs some oven mits from on top of the stove and puts them on*

053 opens the oven to a rather, large, clumpy cupcake inside. They retrieve the cupcake and has 682 carry her over to the top of the least dirtiest kitchen counter. 053 places the cupcake down and start to grab some frosting to spread on the cupcake.

053: *grabs a butter knife and starts spreading a glob of pink frosting on the cupcake* Perfect! Now we need sprinkles! *grabs a small shaker of sprinkles* hm... I don't think this will be enough... *turns to 682* Lizze, do you know where we can get more? Like a lot!

682: hm... I think I might know someone who does.

079 was left to watch 053 while 682 left to go find more sprinkles.

053: do you think shy will like the cupcake we made him?

079: *beeps* I'm sure 096 would be slightly, less upset then his usual state.

053: I'll take that as progress!

682: *walks back into the kitchen rolling in a barrel of sprinkles* I'm back.

053: *gasps* That's perfect! Where did you find it!?

682: The Dr. Bright.

053: and he gave it to you!?

682: ... sure let's go with that. *starts opening the barrel of sprinkles*

053: *starts picking them up by the hand full and pouring them onto the cupcake*

079: *beeps* will Dr. Bright notice the absence of his prank barrel of sprinkles?

682: Eh, he won't miss them. Hm... *walks over to the oven and turns it on and leaves it open*

079: *beeps* for the humans to deal with I assume?

682: *chuckles* yep.

053: *finshes putting a hand full of sprinkles on the completely spinkle covered cupcake* done! *moves the cupcake to a tray and holds it* come on Lizze! Let's give it to shy!

682: *walks back over to 053 and pick her up with his tail and onto his back*

079: *beeps* I will meet you both in the hallway, through the hallway security camera. *the screen he was on shuts off switching to some place else*

682: *starts walking out the kitchen*

In the hallway, 096 was still cry loudly by 049's containment cell door. 096 held the small 049 plushie close to his chest, while pawing at the containment cell door, leaving small faint scratch marks onto the door.

He misses the doctor, the doctor understood him, knew him for who he really was, knew the truth about him. Unlike the humans here who understood nothing about him, who did nothing to help him. The plague doctor helped him, treated him with kindness and love. Something he never expected to feel again in his lonely life again. That is, untill the doctor had appeared that one faithful day.

Now, he was gone. They all said he'd come back again but... it still felt like another eternity of loneliness of being poked at by the people who want to terminate him... Except for that one strange scientist who worked here. She was the one who gave him the plushie of the plague doctor in the first place.

Just then 682 rounded the corner again and gently places down 053, who was still holding the cupcake in her hands, 079 popped up in the security camera by the corner.

053: *in whisper* just wait here Lizze! I'll go give shy his cupcake!

682: *sighs* very well.

079: *beeps* I will keep watch from here. *beeps*

053: thanks AL! *she walks over towards 096*

The two other scps watch as 053 walks over to 096, who was still wheeping by the cell door.

053: *slowly approaches 096* h-hello shy.

096: *peaks up* ...

053: I saw you were upset... you miss doc don't you?

096: ... *nods and wheeps a bit*

053: He'll be back soon! They said he'll be back! And I bet he misses you too.

096: *cuddles the plushie closer to his chest and wheeps*

053: I know your really upset right now. So I decided to make you this! *she holds out the cupcake she made to 096* Ta Da! A feel better cupcake!

096: ? ... *tilts his head* ... *points to himself*

053: *nods her head* Mhm! I made it for you!

096 looks at the cupcake for a moment, before looking at 053. With a free hand he gently pulls in 053 into a hug and begins to wheep, not caring about getting some of the cupcake sprinkles on him as he crys, with 035 in his arms along with the plushie.

053: it's ok shy... I'm here for you too. *she hugs him tightly* it's going to be ok...

The two hugged each other as 096 wheept. Mean while, the other two Scps watched from a distance.

079: *beeps* Is this what, emotions, are like for some?

682: *sighs* unfortunately yes.

079: *beeps* interesting... *beeps* I am suprised. *beeps* This seemed to have ended, as some would say... *beeps* Wholesomely. *beeps* It normally ends with a bang-

Just then there was a aloud explosion going off from somewhere close by, as the alarms started to blare through out the hallways and an loud voice over the speaker begin to speak on loop.

Speaker: Alert! There has been an explosion in the k8tchen area of the facility! Please remain calm and direct your way out of the area safely! Reapt-!

682 began to form a small grin on his face.

079: . . . *Beeps* Don't tell 049 about this?

682: *low chuckle* Haha, don't tell Doc.

Sorry this was late.😔 school and work have been a lot late once again.

But I do hope you guys enjoyed day 4 of

Don't Tell Scp 049

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 Current | Day 5 |

Don't tell Scp 049

Day 3

035, 106, 076, and 079 have found themselves in the foundation gym, they decided to mess around with the equipment out of boredom. 076 however thought it would be fun to see who could run 3 miles in just under 10 minutes. The mask willing to take Able up on that offer went first. 079 was keeping track of both miles passed and time.

035: *using an exercises bike* *out of breath* Where we at?

079: *has appeared in one of the gym T.Vs* *beeps* 0.7 miles. Time 1.45 minutes.

076: *groans* speed up faster mask! You'll never make it!

106: Ya come on! I thought you said you could make your host run as a fast as you want?

035: well I'm also decaying at the same time now aren't I!!!

076: *pulls out a megaphone amd puts it close to the mask's ear* three mile mask! Three miles Mask!

079: *beeps* 2 minutes 035.

079: Speed up faster maggot!!!

035: I'M TRYING B@#$!!!

106: *sitting by 035* ... *looks over at 035 with a smug grin on his face* Should we get food? What kind of food do you want-

035: shut up!

106: Oh! What if we-

035: OH GOD STOP TALKING TO MEE!!

106: oh! I have an idea! What if I snuck into the foundation dinning hall and we got some hotdogs?

035: AAAAAAAH!!!

5 minutes in

076: *checks the time on 079* Heh, your actually doing good for a mask. Your actually almost there.

035: *heavy breathing and keeps pedaling faster*

076: your breathing is getting better too.

035: *ignores and keeps going*

106: ... hehe. Hey Able I don't think he heard you- *grabs the megaphone and put it next to 035's ear* 035 your breathing is-

035: *smacks the megaphone away* I WILL F@#$ING KILL YOU!!!

076: *chuckles* Haha!

9 minutes in.

106: *still holding the megaphone* Oasis... Oasis... Oasis...

035: *Getting even more annoyed*

106: ... Oasissss-

079: *beeps* time. Total. *beeps* 9.13 min-

035: F@#$ING @$$HOLE!!!

106: What!? 035 you got 9.13!

035: AAAAH! *headbutts the wall*

4 minutes after.

106: ...

076: *arms crossed*

035: *has a bandage over a crack in the forehead part of his mask* I am sorry. I didn't mean to get mad. The pre-workout got me all hopped up, then there's the stain on 049's room carpet, the 05 councils's expectancies-

106: mhm.

035: the standards are pretty high.

079: *shifts the security camra to behind 035*

There is a midsized hole in the wall that 035 had created with his headbutt.

035: the stress just really got to me. And I'm sorry.

106: it's fine.

035: good, good... alright! *claps his hands together* Able your turn!

076: Heh! I'll show you all how a real warrior runs! *gets on the bike*

1 minute later.

The hole that 035 had made was now a much bigger hole that has breached through the other side of the wall, hitting and knocking out one of the unfortunate researchers stand unknowingly in the line of fire. The back wheel on the exercise bike had completely flew off, as it was unable to handle Able's speed and strength. The alarms blared through the site as the group of anomalies stared at the now massive hole in the wall.

106: ...

076: ...

035: ...

079: ...

076: ... Don't tell the bird-man?

035 and 106: Don't tell doc.

079: *beeps* agreed. *dispears off the monitor*

106: *disappears through the floor*

035: *books it out the door*

076: *jumps out the nearest Window*

Don't tell scp 049

[Day 1][Day 2] [Current Day 3] [Day 4] [Day 5]

Don't Tell scp-049

Day 2

Day 2 of scp-049 being absent from site 19. While scp 035 and scp 076 are wreck havoc in the main area scp 106 decided to go and explore some of the other scp containment chambers, hoping to possably torment any anomalous creatures in his pocket dimension. However he end up finding himself in scp 049's empty containment chamber instead.

106: *peaks out of the wall* HEEEERES LAWRENCE- ... empty. Damn it! ... *looks around the cell*

The cell was a plain white room, a single cot on the left side wall of the cell, and a desk close by it, had several different tables with different test tunes and chemical sets, placed on them in a somewhat chaotic order, in the center of the other side of the room was seemed to look like a surgical area, there he saw a large overhead light above an operating table next to it a rolling cart, resting on top were some cleaned up surgical tools and by the wall next to the surgery area was a lone sink.

It then came to 106 that he was in the plague doctor's cell.

106: huh... *picks up one of 049's scalpels and fiddles with it* eh... I'll never understand why the doctor does this stuff... *looks down at the scalpel he's holding for a moment* . . .

Half an hour later.

106: *wearing a paper made plague doctor's mask and speaks in a mediocre french accent* HMMM YES PeStIlEnCe AnD DiSeAsEs! *sniffing sounds* WHOOP! I sEmLl PeStIlEnCe iN yOu! *swings the scalpel around* DYO YOU PORCELAIN B@#$! I SAID DON'T TOUCH MY SH*T! *starts waving his arms around in the air still holding the scalpel* EvErYoNe LiStEn To mE aNd EvErY eArFuLl AnNoYiNg CoMmAnDs I hAvE tO SaY cAuSe yOu IdIotS cAn'T dO sH*T RiGhT! *swings the scalpel around some more* LoOk aT mE AnD mY bIg @$$ BeAk FaCe AnD LiStEn To mY OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH ACCENT!!! VERY OUTRAGEOUS!!!

Scp 035 over hears yelling from 049's chambers and takes a peek inside the room to see what was going on, only to find 106 stomping around the plague doctor's cell wearing a poorly made plague doctor's mask.

106: HaVe NO FeAr DeAr PaTiEnTs fOr I! *tries to do a scalpel trick spin but nearly drops it* Oh sh*t- *catches it last second and lifts it in the air* AM THE CURE!!! NOW I WILL CURE THE PESTIL-

035: *leaning on the cell door* Nice impersonation attempt.

106: *freezes in place* . . . Uh... h-how long were you standing there for?

035: ... *pulls out a well made mask connect piece of a plague doctor's lower mask and puts it over the mouth part of his face* *starts talking in 049's voice* long enough to show you how to impersonate the good doctor properly.

106: ...

035: *smug energy* ...

106: ... don't tell the Doctor-

035: Don't, tell, Doc.

30 minutes later.

035: *still in 049's voice* pass me the scalpel, my dear good doctor.

106: of course good doctor. *passes 035 the scalpel*

035: *cuts something with the scalpel* pass the glue, now.

106: glue! *hands 035 the glue*

035: *glues something* and done! Our patient has been cured of the pestilence!

Sitting there on the plague doctor's surgical table was a bar of carved soap in the shape of what apear to be the shape of a platypus, with beak and limbs made from gluw and cut popsicle sticks.

106: ... I hate to use such language, but our patient looks like sh*t.

035: In your eyes maybe good doctor! But I think this surgery was a complete success! *stretches his arms out*

There was a sudden crash of shattering glass next to them.

106: O_O . . .

035: *is now the tragedy mask* . . .

Both turn to the left and looked down to see one of the plague doctor's test-tubes full of strange black liquid substince had spilled on the only carpet in the entire room.

035: *in his normal voice* ... oh that's not good.

106: *his normal voice and takes if his mask* OH YOU THINK!?? Why the hell does he have a single white f@#$ing carpet in his entire cell!?

035: oh that's an easy answer! Cause his feet hurt when he stands in a single spot for a long period of time when he does surgery, so he had them put a carpet next to his surgery table to-

106: NEVER MIND THAT! We gotta clean this sh*t up before anyone sees!

035: OK! Ok! Relax! I know where doc keeps his rags at! *goes to find a rag in one of the cupboards* Where the f@#$ did doc move the stupid-

106: hurry up!

035: SHUT UP I GOT IT! *grabs a rag* found it! *runs it under warm water in a nearby sink and starts cleaning the stain on the rug* Oh no, not the CARPET!!!

106: Doc is going to kiiill you!!!

035: *scrubs harder* ooh Doc is gonna kill me!

The black liquid doesn't go away, as it stains the rag as well.

035: Ooh WHAT HAVE I DOOOONE! OOOH NO, OH NO, OH NOOOO!

The stain doesn't go away and starts to get bigger as 035 continues to scrub at it.

035: OH I'M MAKING IT WORSE!!!

106: *starts laughing* oh this turned over quickly completely!

035: OOOH YOU @$$HOLE!!! You made this happen!!!

106: I DIDN'T MAKE YOU FLING YOUR CLUMSY @$$ HOST HANDS AT THE GLASS TUBES!!!

035: UUUGH! ... *looks up at the cell security camera* Oh Doc please don't watch the security footage please! Uuugh! It was all Lawrence's Fault!

106: I wasn't the one who broke his sh*t! That was you!

035: YA BUT YOU WERE IN DOC'S ROOM WHEN HE TOLD US NOT TOO!!!

106: YOU BROKE HIS SH*T! NOT ME!!!

035: YOU F@#$ING WENT INTO HIS ROOM FIRST!!!

106: OK! you know what! Let's just say 682 did this or something. I mean the doctor isn't gonna be back here in a week maybe the foundation will clean up his room or something.

035: *sighs* fine! Your right! Your right! *stands up and puts the rag in the sink and looks down at the mess* ... you think he'll notice?

106: *looks down at the stain as well*

The stain has became bigger and is nearly a gaint black blob on the carpet.

106: . . . No, I don't think he will...

035: ... Ok, so we both agree to never speak of this again?

106: agreed.

035: Don't tell Doc.

106: Don't tell Doc. *sinks into his pocket dimension portal on the ground*

035: *quickly leaves the room while whistling*

🤫

Ssssssh!

...

Don't tell Doc.

[Day 1] [currently Day 2] [Day 3] [Day 4] [Day 5]

All the scps in site 19 are be relocated in a truck together to New Jersey after a failed containment breach caused the Site to explode.

035: *locked in a glass case* . . .

079: *sitting on a wheeled push cart* . . .

106: *is secured down* ...

076: *has his insta-kill collar* *grumpy* >=( ...

682: *in a tank of acid* *same* >=( ...

096: *has a bag over his head* *sad* *whimpers* ... *scoots slowly over next to 049* *whimpers*

049: *has his neck and wrist restraints on* *sighs and pets 096 and hums to it*

035: ... Hey Doc?

049: hm?

035: is this our vacation?

049: ... ya.

035: oh... *awkward pause* ... hey Doc?

049: what?

035: are we trash?

049: hm... kind of.

035: ooh... *is now sad too*

Everyone: . . .

079: . . . *beep* Conclusion. *beep* This sucks.

Hope you liked this werid family guy incorrect quote reference that my brain randomly generated out of no where!

😎👋 🌙

Dr. ■■■■: *walks into 035's chamber* ok 035 let's begin your- ... what the [REDACTED]?

035: *wearing a gamer headset, and is playing minecraft on an old computer* *turns around to Dr.■■■■* ...

Dr. ■■■■: ... I-

035: GET OUT OF MY ROOM I'M PLAYING MINECRAFT!

079: *switches screen* *whirl sound* *beeps* pls help me.

Dr.■■■■: . . .

Scps 106 and 049 are chilling in one of the empty foundation cafeteria areas.

106: so that's when I- *sniffs the air* what's that... chemical smell?

049: *writing in his journal, not looking up from it* black spray paint.

106: what were you painting?

A black spray painted ball comes rolling into the cafeteria by their table.

035: *inside the ball* Oh, you think your so funny! Well, as soon as I find my way out, YOUR DEAD DOC-

049: *kicks ball into a spin*

035: *spinning aggressively in the ball* AHH!

106: *Wheezy laugh* HaHaHA!

Welp! Hope you guys liked my first short SCP headcanon, cause I'm gonna start making those now too. 😎👌

How Altair deals with ghost

Altair: *in the living room reading* ...

From the table in the dinning room counter there was a small tin can just sitting there till a sudden force pushed it off the table.

Altair: hm? ... *sighs* Jacob frye- *gets up and walks over* if this is another one of your stupid jokes I-

No one was there.

Altair: ... *pick up the can and puts it back on the table* ... ok? *is about to walk back*

The can falls over again.

Altair: *quickly turns back around* hm!? ... *picks up the can again* ... what the hell? ... *puts it in the center of the table* ... stay. Now then- *turns around again to walk back* What!?

Once he turned around there was a stack of all the dinning room chairs in a pyramid formation in the middle of the living room.

Altair: . . . What the allaena is this? ... ok! Listen to... who ever the allaena is messing with me! I would kindly like to see you in person now! ...

No response.

Altair: ... ok then... hm... *smug grin* well I guess I'll just turn around and- *turns around* just walk on over to the kitchen- *turns swiftly back around* AH HA!

There is now a spirit standing before Altair.

Altair: . . . Oh wait, your an actual ghost? ... I thought you were Jacob or one of the others, who was doing all this.

Ghost: ...

Altair: well since your here, do you mind cleaning up the chairs-

The chairs are back where they use to be.

Altair: oh... you already put them back.

Ghost: ...

Altair: ok but listen, you still need to leave, I don't know if you know this all ready, but it isn't the day of the dead or Halloween yet so, why don't you go back to the grave you crawled yourself out of just to irritate me.

Ghost: ... *uses telekinetic powers to pull the can off the table and onto the ground*

Altair: and would you stop doing that! That isn't even scary! What kind of ghost-

Ghost: *is now holding a knife*

Altair: ... ok where did you even get that from?

Ghost: ...

Altair: that still doesn't scare me I hope you know that.

Ghost: *is now standing a bit closer to Altair still holding the knife*

Altair: look why are you even here? This isn't a Halloween store and it certainly isn't October yet, so leave.

Ghost: ...

Altair: fine you wanna stay? then go use you ghost powers to clean the kitchen or something.

Ghost: ... *pulls out a chair from the dinning room and moves it next to Altair*

Altair: .... your terrible at being a ghost, I hope you know that.

Ghost: *is now holding Altair's sword*

Altair: OK THAT'S IT! HEY! YOU KNOW THAT CLOSEST DEMON!?

Ghost: ?

Aaltair: You know one by the name of... JERRY!?

Ghost: . . . *has dropped Altair's sword*

Altair: oh that got your attention I see! Ya well he's my b@#$ now! Ya that demon takes orders from me now!

Ghost: *has moved farther away from Altair and close to the door*

Altair: where do you think your going?

Ghost: . . . *slowly reaches for the door handle*

Altair: *grabs a chancla and looks like he's ready to throw it* I WILL SEND YOU TO JESUS!

Ghost: . . .💧

Altair: ...

Ghost: . . . *tries to open the front door*

Altair: *Throws the chancla at the ghost*

Ghost: *Gets hit in the head with the chancla and falls unconscious to the ground*

Altair: ... Hey ghost guess what! Your now my b@#$ too! Don't f@#$ with me!

Desmond: *just witnessed the entire thing from the stairs* ... I thought you were an atheist?

Altair: Desmond at this point I stopped giving a sh*t, now help me clean up this mess. *walks over to the Kitchen*

Desmond: ... *looks down at the ghost* ... you shouldn't have f@#$ with him man.

Ghost: ...

This is why you don't mess with Altair... even if your dead.

Assassin's Creed Pickle edition

Assassin's creed headcanon

Desmond wandered into Altair's room looking for him, he got a message from him to come alone into his room. Unsure the reason why he decided he might as well see what Altair wanted that was so important for him to message him inside of asking him face to face. Which for Altair, it's was unlike him to text from inside the house to him while he was also in the same building as Desmond. Altair rather much prefers to just talk to someone face to face than message as he quotes "no one in this damn era doesn't speak with each other face to face anymore. " which meant he didn't like the idea of texting someone who is in the same vicinity as the person was. Cause to him, he quotes "it's more polite and sociable for you to just walk over to them and talk with them in person", so this text from Altair saying to head to his room, even though he was in the room he was heading to, was a bit of weird thing for Altair to do.

Desmond: *opens the door* Hello? Gramps?

The room was empty.

Desmond: uh? You-

Altair: Psst! Desmond! Coming over here!

Desmond: Altair!? *looks around the room* Gramps where are you I don't see you?

Altair: Desmond you are not gonna believe the discovery I have made with the apple!

Desmond: *still looking around the room for him* oh god, did you take the apple again and started studying it again? You know Shaun's gonna be pissed and so is Maria.

Altair: Desmond, trust me! This changes everything we know about the apple of Eden, if not maybe some of the other pieces of Eden!

Desmond: where even are you? I don't see you? Are you pranking me or something?

Altair: ok Desmond listen to me closely, you see that pickle on my desk next to the apple of Eden?

Desmond: ... *walks over to the desk* ya?

Altair: ok now turn it over!

Desmond: I swear Altair if this is some kind of joke to get back at me for something-

Altair: No, no, no! Trust me Desmond, just do it!

Desmond: ... *picks up a pencil and uses it to turn the pickle over*

Altair's face was on the pickle.

Altair: I turned myself into a pickle Desmond! I'M PICKLE ALTAIR!!!

Desmond: O_O ... how the f@#$ did you turn yourself into a pickle!? And why!? Also, was that a Rick and Morty reference?

Altair: to answer the last one, yes. The reasoning, it was... an accident I will admit. But! This truly does change everything and our understandings about the Apple of Eden Desmond!

Desmond: I-... I just-... I don't even know how this happened I don't want to know how this happened, but... H-how are you going to turn yourself back into an actual person again?

Altair: ...

Desmond: ...

Altair: . . . Allaena

I'm pretty sure that meme is dead now, but I still find it funny 🤣

Also allaena means f@#$ in Arabic

Random thoughts with

Jacob Frye

The whole gang is having dinner, some sitting in the dining room, some in the living room, the rooms were connected so they could still have conversations as a group, as family... a dysfunctional yet still functional family.

Everyone: *eating*

Jacob: *eating* ... lizards are just snakes with legs. *eats some of his food*

Everyone: *pauses eating and looks at Jacob for a moment* ...

Jacob: ... what?

Connor: you just said lizards are like snakes, but with legs... why?

Jacob: what? I didn't say that.

Rebecca: Uhm, yes you did...

Jacob: no I didn't.

Malik: damn it Jacob for once we're having a decent and peaceful meal, don't ruin this for the rest of us.

Jacob: I didn't say anything.

Evie: ignore him, you'll only encourage him.

Jacob: cause I didn't say anything.

Malik: whatever.

Everyone: *continues eating*

Jacob: *eats a bit of his food* ... *smirks* ... why is it that there's a D in fridge, but not in the word, refrigerator.

Altair: *hard sighs* damn it he's doing it again.

Shaun: Jacob please for the love of humanity and the sanity that is of this house, please stop.

Jacob: did you know a guy had to lick a rock... and now we have salt.

Altair: I will pay you any amount of money just so you can shut up.

Jacob: *still smirking* by logic bees shouldn't be able to fly... and yet they fly anyway, so does that mean bees don't follow any rules but their queens.

Kassandra: Jacob, even I'm tired of hearing this please stop.

Edward: Ha! I'm not.

Arno: Well I am!

Jacob: icecream is just frozen cow juice.

Alexios: and you just ruined ice cream for me, thanks a lot Jacob.

Jacob: your car keys have traveled further than your car.

Leonardo: ... he's not wrong.

Evie: please don't encourage him any further.

Jacob: planes are just giant metal birds.

Bayek: Jacob please stop-

Jacob: The Jonas brothers can't break up, cause they're brothers.

Evie: sometimes I wish we could.

Alexios: You're tearing this family apart!

Jacob: lasagna is just spaghetti but in cake form!

Connor: This is why we can't have nice things, Jacob.

Desmond: ok I'm putting an end to this. Hey Altair.

Altair: what Desmond?

Desmond: did you know that humans have off switches, but you just have to hit them hard enough and a certain number of times to shut them off.

Jacob: ...

Altair: . . . *give Jacob a creepy and terrify grin with one of his golden eyes glowing from under his cowl*

Jacob: O_O

Altair: >=D Jacob.

Jacob: ... what?

Altair: come here, Jacob.

Jacob: ... n-no, no, t-think I'm ok and safer here-

Altair: I wasn't asking Jacob.

Jacob: ...

Altair: . . .

Jacob: ... *quickly gets up and makes a run for upstairs*

Altair: *gets up and runs after him* COME HERE JACOB!

Jacob: SH*T, SH*T, SH*T!

Altair: *murderous grin on his face* I JUST WANNA PUNCH YOUR OFF SWITCH FRYE!

Jacob: I THINK IM GOOD FROM THE SAFETY OF MY ROOM!

They both run upstairs and the chase continues as they hear the sound of the two running echos to downstairs.

Leonardo: ... should we stop him?

Everyone else: ...

Rebecca: Nah, he'll be fine.

Shaun: agreed.

*Jacob screaming from upstairs*

Altair from upstairs: I gotcha you little Frye!

Desmond: ... ya he's fine.

Evie: he's been through worse and I'll just take care of him afterward.

Everyone continues to eat as a minute goes by the sound of Jacob tumbling down the stairs; into the living, followed by Altair walking down the stairs and he goes back to the dining room table and sits back down in his seat.

Altair: *eats some of his food* ... so how's everyone's day been?

Aveline: good.

Desmond: same here.

Altair: good. So Desmond I heard-

Jacob: *cough* Technically... y-you can't die *cough* in the livingroom cause, it's... called... the living-room *wheezy laughs before passing out*

Everyone: ...

Altair: ... so where were we?

Do you just... have shower thoughts... though technically if you have weird thoughts in another room, does that mean their room thought?

Part 2 now available