Where Every Scroll is a New Adventure
Diarypost - Blog Posts
Double it and give it to the next person bro way too scared to confront a medical problem because what if I'm faking 💔
AS THIS LAST YEAR HAS GONE ON, I HAVE BEEN RELATIVELY AWARE OF MY GROWTH AND CHANGE. I'VE PRIDED MYSELF ON THE LARGER THINGS LIKE GOING CLEAN, LEARNING TO CARE FOR MYSELF EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY, ENTERING A HEALTHIER AND NON ABUSIVE MINDSET TOWARDS MYSELF, AND SO ON.
BUT IT IS THE THINGS I DON'T PAY SO MUCH MIND TO THAT ALWAYS SHOCK ME THE MOST. THINGS YOU WOULD NOT STOP TO THINK ABOUT LIKE FADING FROM RELATIONSHIPS (GIVEN HOW NATURALLY IT CAN HAPPEN). PEOPLE I USED TO RELY ON AND BE SO CLOSE WITH HAVE BECOME MEMORIES THAT I DON'T OFTEN THINK ABOUT AS I USED TO. I NO LONGER RECALL FACES SO CLEARLY. I NO LONGER FIND MYSELF THINKING OF THEM ON A REGULAR BASIS.
IN A WAY, IT IS SAD TO COME TO THIS REALIZATION. MY GROWTH IN THIS LAST YEAR HAS BEEN ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO MY SURVIVAL, I WAS FRESH OUT OF THE HOSPITAL, STILL IN CONSIDERATION OF KICKING THE BUCKET TO AVOID ANYMORE STRESS. I WAS SICK, NOT EATING, EITHER NOT SLEEPING AT ALL OR SLEEPING TO MUCH, FAILING CLASSES, AVOIDING PEOPLE, NEVER LEAVING THE HOUSE, AND SO ON. I HAVE COME A LONG WAY. I HAVE FINALLY GAINED WEIGHT, I HAVE BECOME MORE OPEN WITH FRIENDS AND MORE COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF. LIFE IS LIVABLE AT WORST AND ENJOYABLE ON AN AVERAGE DAY.
BUT WITH THIS NEWFOUND FREEDOM, I STILL HAVE HAD LOSSES. IT SCARES ME TO THINK ABOUT THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE. SOMETIMES THE THOUGHT OF OLD FRIENDS MAKES ME APPREHENSIVE BECAUSE OF THE ASSOCIATION WITH A WORSE VERSION ME. ACTIVITIES I USED TO ENJOY MATTER SO LITTLE TO ME NOW. IT IS DIFFICULT TO MOURN A PART OF YOURSELF THAT FELT SO CRUEL, BUT MY HEART ALSO ACHES FOR THE NOSTALGIA OF IT ALL. IT CONFUSES ME.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, I KNOW I WILL BE FINE. I WILL HAVE MY UPS AND DOWNS BUT I WILL BE OKAY. THE PASTS MATTERS SO LITTLE NOW. EVEN WHEN I WORRY ABOUT IT LIKE I AM CURRENTLY, I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO WORRY TOO MUCH.
I JUST HOPE MY OLD FRIENDS ARE ALRIGHT. I HOPE MY FAMILY, WHEREVER THEY ARE, IS DOING OKAY NOW. I HOPE MY DOG IS HAPPY. I HOPE THEY DON'T THINK TO HARSHLY OF THE VERSION OF ME THEY USED TO KNOW. I'M SORRY I LET YOU GO SO EASILY.
SOMETIMES, I AM JUST GLAD THAT IT IS ALL OVER. THE STRESS OF MANY THINGS OFTEN LINGERS OVER ME BUT THAT DOES NOT ALWAYS OVERPOWER THE COMFORT OF NEWER THINGS THAT I HAVE COME TO EMBRACE.
A FRESH WOUND, SURE, BUT IN TIME THE HARMFUL MEMORIES WILL MIX IN WITH THE PLEASANT ONES AND THE STRESS WILL UNDOUBTEDLY BECOME MORE BEARABLE.
I HAVE TIME. I HAVE THE ABILITY TO FIND PEACE WITHIN MYSELF IF ONLY I ALLOW IT.
september struggles
Sat 30th Sep - 22:06 what's up! it's the start of a new (and for me, final) academic year.
this month has been so much and so little at the same time? if that even makes sense. i'm slowly learning to use an actual camera. so far i've borrowed two different models from my youth foundation, the canon eos m50 and the canon 200d with a 50mm kit lense. I found the m50 really fun to use and i picked up on how to use it really quickly! i had more difficulty with the 200D, or more specifically the ability to zoom in and out? i looked up tutorials on youtube but i couldn't find anything. anyways it was really zoomed in which i didn't really like seeing as i'm learning to use cameras for the sake of making a film portfolio, so i found i liked the other camera more as it felt more flexible. on the more school-focused side of things, i had a ton of trouble on my media coursework, which i found incredibly hard to start on - the aim was to make a film magazine which i haven't done a lot for yet - my teacher said my initial drafts feel more like a fashion or editorial magazine than anything else i had aimed to catch up for sociology entirely, but i only managed to do one of 4 sections.
i think the first month back to school is always the hardest, it weirds me out thinking this is my last first month back ever. growing up feels weird. until next time! Amina p.s - times flown by so fast, its weird looking back and editing this in my drafts, i'm somehow posting on new years eve but its better late than never!
an adjourned august abridgement
when it comes to alliteration thesaurus.com is an angel.
i realise this post is incredibly late, it's simply slipped my mind. to be completely honest, not alot went down during august, i visited bradford to reunite with my lovely younger cousins! i went shopping in cannon mills, which i'd like to think is the bengali/pakistani equivalent of a farmers market, and went shopping, and went shopping, did i mention shopping?
we did facemasks, enjoyed a vibrant funfair! went to the park to push around my cousins on the swings, visited my grandmas old house with my favourite cousin, visited my cousins new house, lots and lots of arguments between cousins and being told off and lectured for making the younger ones cry and visited other cousins (take a shot for every time i said the word cousin(s) ) in terms of schoolwork, not a whole lot occurred but towards the end of the month, (as in the 31st of august, the day of the deadline) i entered for the Immerse Essay Competition! in the film studies category! that was an experience in and of itself and after the results are announced (which to be honest, i'm not very hopeful for) i'll be sure to post about the competition in detail along with my essay! that's all for now! until next time! Amina
july (juvenile jollification)
Sunday 6th August 1:35am writing this a bit late because im in a bit of a slump.
starting off the month with a bang, i went a bit of an adventure during homestudy (not very studyblr of me) and ventured off to birmingham with my bestfriend! it was sooo cool, we didn't explore everything, just bullring and the station, as well as the highstreet? i think its called (im really tired, forgive the lackluster writing). the highlight of the day was definitely trying wingstop, we each picked a flavour, lemon pepper and spicy korean bbq with cajun fries and... oh. my. g o d. i can understand the craze because it's been a month and my cravings have not stopped. lets just say the many many many runs to kfc and other fast food places can no longer satisfy my hunger. i bought a ton of clothes for the upcoming school year too! multiple ruched tops in brown, cream and pink, a long pink midi skirt, a brown mockneck sweater and a beige one too! oh and a cable knit pink cardigan (if you can't tell i like pink lolol) school ended on the 17th? i think it was, which is the wrap up of year 12. as far as the last day of school can go, i think mine was really good! they set up a bouncy castle, sumo wrestling and more in the school gym and it was so fun! i hadn't intended on actually using or trying anything but i ended up being spontaneous. i can gladly say that i crushed my opponent in sumo wrestling 3-0 so fear me. i grabbed oodles with two of my friends, which btw if you haven't tried. you NEED to. its to die for. udon noodles reign supreme. since the holiday started i haven't done much, mainly watching shows and movies like 25 21, and the second season of the summer i turned pretty - yi jin and jeremiah 4 lyfe. i promise the 7 days 7 movies series will be out soon! til next time! Amimi
christmas eve, wanting to leave
i will never understand people who create drama and then act like nothing happened? like??? working on my notion set up in an attempt to try and organise myself so i can be prepared to work nonstop for the next week and catch up on all my work. i will post screenshots of my set up once it's finished!! i got my own library card and bank account yesterday!!! i'm so excited, it'll be so fun and like i'm a real adult and useful :DD being able to take out books for myself!! the bank thing is okay aswell i guess. i'm trying out adult fiction woah. the book i chose being ninth house by leigh bardugo. i'm stoked!! the sequel of ninth house and the second book in the trilogy is coming out this january and i can't wait! hopefully i'll be able to purchase both books from my local bookstore which will be super cute. i already know i'm gonna devour it in two days and then have to wait an agonising three years for the third and final book to be released D: BUT there is apparently a TV series depicting the Alex Stern series in development?? and with the second book coming out as well as the success of Shadow and Bone and it's second season i think that we'll hear more about it in 2023. so far i'm halfway through and i really love the characters of darlington and alex, when i first started reading i imagined darlington as a lot older until i heard his real name and MINI SPOILER caught the romantic implications between them. i really like how detailed and descriptive it is, however the first two chapters are quite confusing but i have discovered the amazing hack of reading the glossary and explanations at the back first. i'm gonna continue reading sooo that's all for now! Amimi
beach weather is going on tour next year?if i get to go it will be my first concert!!! been having a lot of firsts lately, it's almost the end of december and the end of 2022. my monthly diarypost and yearly wrap up are going to be really long i think! also this is my 150th post!! only somehow took me 4 years - by that logic it'll only take me another 28 years to get to 1000 lolol
november nutshell
26/11/22 nonsensical. as of writing this it's 1:18pm, my rooms a mess and i feel gross. this month has been really shit i'm not going to lie but i'll write about it anyways because who knows, it'll probably be a turning point that i'll look back on. there's been friend drama, dropping grades and a confession i stressed over for a year, took slander for and threw my exams away for, that boiled down to absolutely nothing. my efforts and tears meant nothing at all. i guess it's had it's good moments now and then though. like the BBC Share Your Story Tour! that visited my academy which was really unexpected and cool. i feel kind of numb after yesterday to be honest. i don't know what to think anymore. that aside, there's some cool things going on and things to look forward to. in art we're starting an independent project to test how well we work without support, simply being given a list of themes to choose from and interpret however we like. the theme i chose was telling stories. that sends me back to the BBC share your story tour in which the story of BBC Correspondent Navtej Johal really stuck with me. i decided i'll create work based off of not only fairytales and fantasy, fiction and myths, but real stories aswell and hopefully he replies to my email! my final piece for this independent project is what i'm the most stoked for, it'll be a popup book with a handpainted cover. whether it'll tell a story or simply be one spectacular scene i'm not sure yet, but i'm really excited to make something. there's also a trip to london i'll be going to with school! which will be super fun. thinking of all these cool things has really cheered me up, so thank you to the people who read these little posts and like because it makes me want to keep writing these, i'd love to see you in the comments and interact with you more! until next time! Amimi
october onslaught (obstacles and others)
01:01 - Friday 28th October that title does not make sense but i spent a good however many minutes scrolling through synonyms on thesaurus.com to come up with it and i refuse to waste those efforts.
so sixth form turned up a notch in the past month, it's been flashing by really quick, i'm unorganised and flustered by every little thing - not to mention how thrown off i am by not only the sheer amount of work, but how much i have to try and catch up on due to sick days. now that i don't partake in anything other than school (as i've dropped my religious studies), i find myself growing really restless. i'm considering getting a job? but i'd have to make a cv and figure out how to make a bank account and tons of other things before even considering applying. idk i feel kinda dumb for not knowing these things already. it's half term holiday! well, almost the end seeing as i have the weekend and then have to go back to school. i plan on somehow plowing through all of the work i've missed (particularly sociology) and being fully up to speed by friday. wish me luck! i'll probably be doing tons of school posts to motivate me so i'll see you soon. until next time! ~Amimi
december daze (depressing af)
Wed, 22 Dec 2021 - 11:28pm -11:57pmÂ
damn that
alliteration
decembers been kinda dismal ngl,
(take a shot every time you read a word beginning with d on this post)
feel like i’m in a daze, these past 5 days of christmas break have been lying in bed and listening to p!atd and maggie lindemann on repeat.
(productive i know)
it’s crazy to think i’ll be finishing secondary school within the next few monthsÂ
i feel like i was robbed of two years of my life and it’s so weird because it’s like how can you feel nostalgic for something that was never there?Â
nostalgia in definition isÂ
a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the pastÂ
that’s not quite what i feel. i have a longing for a period in my past that never happened. i don’t feel wistful affection. i feel grief and loss for a time that never was. i’m almost 16 but i don’t feel that way. i feel like i lost what would have been two of the greatest years of my life and it’s like damn, 2020 and 2021 happened in a blur. where did they go.
(love that over dramaticness for me)
exams will be done and over with within the next 6 months, i’d like to make the most of that time inbetween studying to experience what i lost in that time stolen by covid.
NOTE:
i’d like to do monthly diary posts like these as something for my future self to look back on - from now on i’ll be including the date and times i started and finished writing posts at the top.
til next time ~Amimi