Batfam Incorrect Quotes - Blog Posts

Batfam quotes as things my family has said

Dick: *walks outside without a coat in the middle of winter* oshabooshabrrrrr

Tim: did you just... what the hell was that?

Dick: it's cold...

Tim: and your first reaction is "oshabooshabrrr"?

Screaming, cackling, joyous!

There's just something enthralling about these two. Especially Tim serving his malicious compliance response to the "Where were you?". It's peak. He loves his family, he doesn't like when they pry into his business, they have all had many conversations about hiding injuries. Now Tim selectively over shares and it's a power trip.

And just. Yes. Tim's laughing hysterically over his boyfriend accidentally shooting him during their kinky sexy times. That is the most true and appropriate response. I kept imagining them on that "Sex Sent Me to the ER" show, retelling this story and breaking down into giggles again.

...Tim is trans masc by default in my head so when Bernard said he'd get him pregnant... I'm just saying, Tim's dealt with a lot of time travel bs. His birth control could fail. He and Steph could have a very funny role reversal, going to the same Lamaze class she took, deciding that the Dead Robins Club is so last year - the Oops Baby Club is now the fun place to be.

I beg you for more Tim and Bernard being chaotic freaks

*Falls down twenty flights of stairs before pushing myself up* This could mean several things, and I will do each one! >:D

Suggestive content below, minors DNI or whatever.

—

Tim, sick, lying in bed: I'm gonna die.

Bernard, sitting next to him, checking his temperature: No, you're not.

Tim: Bet.

Bernard: Please, don't prove me wrong on this one.

Tim: Uuuuuugh...

Bernard: At least you look sexy when you're sick.

Tim: Do I not always look sexy?

Bernard: Oh, you definitely do, always, look sexy. But, I mean like this, your cheeks and thighs all flushed, and all sweaty and helpless and weak in bed...

Tim: Don't get any ideas.

Bernard: To late, I already have several.

Tim: . . . Are you supposed to have sex, when sick?

Bernard: Is that gonna stop us.

Tim: Hmm.. Nope.

—

(inspired by a short story @donkoogrr made for me :3 )

Jason, picking his phone up at two in the morning: Who the fuck is this?

Bernard: Uh, me, so, like, y'know how I asked to borrow a gun for things you did not wanna know about?

Jason: . . . What did you do?

Tim, laughing hysterically in the background:

Bernard: I shot Tim.

Jason: you diD WHAT!?

Bernard: I DIDN'T KNOW THE SAFETY WAS OFF!

Jason: YOU SHOT MY LITTLE BROTHER!? ACCIDENTALLY!?

Tim: IT WAS HOT!

Bernard: He's a bit hysterical?

Jason: Oh my GOD, WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME!?

Bernard: I SHOULDN'T LEGALLY HAVE A GUN AND ALSO THIS WOULD BE SO HARD TO EXPLAIN TO A 911 OPERATOR!

Tim, laughing harder in the background:

Bernard: I have a compression bandage on him..?

Jason: . . . I am on my way, but I swear if he dies from this I'm gonna throw him in a Lazarus pit only to give him an honorable death.

Jason: Oh, also, I'm telling Dick face about this.

Bernard: . . . F#&$.

Tim: Think we can finish up before he gets here and I bleed out?

Bernard, throwing a pillow at him: TIM!

Tim: I've been shot way worse!

—

Ransom girl, flirting with Tim at a gala despite being told several times he has a boyfriend:

Bernard, walking right up to Tim: It's done.

Tim, playing along: It's done?

Bernard: Yup. She's dead.

Tim: Good, good.

Random girl, watching with great confusion and slight fear as Bernard and Tim share a sweet kiss and walk away together:

*The rumors that the Wayne's are some sort of crime family don't get better after this...*

—

Bruce, after calling for an emergency meeting after a massive rogue breakout: I know this is last minute, but— where's Red Robin?

Tim, riding in on his bike:

Jason: Where the f#&$ were you?

Tim, looking around: Are there children present?

Dick: ??? No, Dami is still changing—

Tim: Good, I want you all to know I'm only half coherent, my brain is still fuzzy, and I'm still recovering from being choked out, carved up, humiliated, and defiled in the best ways possible, and I swear one of you better die to make up for what I'm missing out on tonight.

Dick:

Jason:

Bruce:

Tim: None of you wanna see what I look like under this costume right now.

Damian, walking in: Have I missed something? Oh, Timothy, you are here, finally. What took so long?

Tim: Sorry, was hanging out with Bear, y'know how clingy he is.

Damian: Tt, don't forget about your promise to take me to the zoo this weekend.

Tim: Wouldn't dare.

Dick: My baby brother...

—

Stephanie: . . . So, you and Tim are into some freaky stuff?

Bernard: We did not use olive oil, wooden spoon, or the kitchen for their intended purposes last night.

Stephanie: To scared to ask, but also me and Cass have been thinking of experimenting. Any tips?

Bernard: Several.

—

Bernard: You're mad at Bruce again?

Tim: Yeah, but it isn't that big a d—

Bernard, pulling his phone out: Say less.

Bernard, posting anonymously that he'd be getting Red Robin pregnant, one way or another:

Tim: Now what's that gonna do?

Bernard: Give Bruce a heart attack.

Tim: . . . What?

*Cue that night, Bruce begging Babs to tell him what rogue and or magic user is threatening to get his son pregnant and w h y ? ! *

Babs: Harley Quinn says she'd help plan the baby shower, Poison Ivy asked if they're doing a a gender reveal because she has ideas that were safe for the environment, Cat woman commented that she wanted to be the godmother and is currently fighting Spoiler through text for rights..? Nightwing has stated he's castrating anon, and Red Hood told them to watch out for Batman, he's always looking for new Robin's.

Bruce: I am so confused...

—

Tim, gesturing wildly to an entire wall full of case files and "evidence" while being sleep deprived: I'm connecting the pieces.

Bernard: Love dove, the pieces are not connecting.

Tim: They're connecting...

Bernard: What are you trying to solve exactly?

Tim, blinking slowly: I forgot after my eighteenth cup of coffee, but I'm close!

Bernard: Uh huh... Ready for bed?

Tim, whispering as he sticks a sticky note with a poor drawing of a chicken to the wall: Death before dishonor...

—

Tim: . . . Hey, bear?

Bernard, half awake: Mm?

Tim: I want grilled steak.

Bernard: . . . It's three in the morning, Timboo.

Tim: I know...

Bernard:

Tim:

Bernard, groaning as he gets up:

Tim: I love you.

Bernard: I love you more and this is proof.

—

Bernard: Uh... Tim?

Tim, setting down the twelfth cake: You said to pick up a cake.

Bernard: Yes. A cake. You bought twenty cakes!

Tim: I didn't know what flavor you wanted tonight!

Bernard: So you buy all of them?!

Tim: Except carrot cake! Because you don't like carrot cake.

Bernard: We have... So much cake.

Tim: I also bought brownies—

Bernard: Timothy!?

Tim: They're red velvet..?

—

Bernard: I am staring respectfully.

Tim, changing into his Red Robin uniform: You are not.

Bernard, looking him up and down slowly: So respectfully.

—

High school Bernard: I wear sunglasses so nobody knows where I'm looking.

Darla: . . . Bernard—

Tim, not paying attention as Bernard stares at his biceps:

Bernard: Shh...

Darla: This is not heterosexual behavior.

Bernard: No clue what you're talking about. Hey, Tim?

Tim: Yes, Stephanie is a real person.

Bernard: No, no, not about that.

Tim: No, I don't wanna hear the entire lore of Undertale again. And no, I don't care about your d#&$ size, no, you can't know mine either.

Bernard: . . . I'm gonna kick your a#$.

Tim: I welcome you to try, b#&$%.

Bernard, leaning in: I would have you pinned in seconds.

Tim, dropping his phone onto his desk now: Only if I let you.

Bernard: Would you?

Tim: Would I?

Darla: JUST F#&$ ALREADY!

—

YES, PERFECTION!

Because damn I have this headcanon about Bruce's being panromantic ace that I'm going to have to write up someday.

And ofc he would speak up to protect one of his kids from the things he's not willing to protect himself from, that's just his default setting. Tim being caught between laughing at the concern and probably a little touched at the concern is also so cute.

And then you bless me with Jason being a little shit out of left field. 100%, no one knew he was in the house. He breaks in at random, calls it haunting.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I think we're friends now

Hot Take: Bruce doesn't support freakyTimBer not because he doesn't like Bernard. It's because Bruce has to pretend to be the freak in all of his civilian relationships to explain away his scars, so he keeps accidentally making his partners think he's into that and then he's too awkward to correct them, and he's worried that Tim's doing the same thing.

This is genius, I love it!!! My original thought process was Bruce just couldn't fathom his babies ever having sex like?? No?? His kids!? Never U_U

But I absolutely adore this so much. You have no idea.

Pre identity reveal shenanigans (aka, before Bernard tells Tim he knows and also Tim is a goof)

—

Bruce, looking at the bruises and obvious bite makes and cuts along Tim's visible neck and arms: . . . So, where'd the, um, new... bruises come from..?

Tim, not even looking up from his laptop: Bernard. Bruce, I told you this already. Don't question any injury I don't put in my reports.

Bruce:

Bruce: You know, if you ever feel... Pressured into things—

Tim, slowly looking up:

Bruce: I understand keeping our identities secret is important more than any one, you know this, but you shouldn't make sacrifices to this degree to keep it in tact—

Tim, moving a hand over his mouth to stop from either laughing or crying, he isn't sure:

Bruce: It's important to... Enjoy yourself with your relationship safely, and consensually. If you feel like you have to do or comply with certain things for Bernard to keep your identity safe... Why are you laughing?

Tim, trying not to laugh: Bruce, I promise, anything Bernard does to me I give full permission to. Enthusiastically, in fact.

Bruce: . . . What?

Jason, from another room, who read 50 Shades Of Gray once when he was fourteen: YOUR SON IS A FREAK WHO BEGS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES FOR HIS BOYFRIEND TO CHOKE HIM OUT, YOU IDIOT!

Tim: HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT!?

Jason, popping his head in: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY DO THAT!? I DIDN'T KNOW S#&$ BUT NOW I DO WHAT THE F$&%, TIMOTHY!?

Tim: STAY OUT OF MY SEX LIFE!

Jason: I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A SEX LIFE!

Tim: I HOPE THE JOKER BLOWS YOU UP AGAIN!

Jason: I HOPE I'M CREMATED THIS TIME!

Bruce:

Bruce: what

—

the closest Bruce and Dick ever came to their identities being revealed was when somebody made a side-by-side comparison of an interview that Dick and Bruce did together and one that Nightwing and Batman did together. in each, Dick is asked if he finds Batman hot, and vice versa Nightwing is asked about Brucie Wayne. synced up, it is eerily identical the way Dick/Nightwing gives a shit eating grin before responding ‘oh i would PAY to sleep with that man’ followed by Bruce/Batman giving the exact same flash-look of horror and delivering a lightning fast smack upside Dick/Nightwing’s head. the clip goes viral online and Dick laughs for months

-after Damian turned 16, at the family dinner-

Bruce: so... Damian, do you remember the Oreov girl you met at the gala last week?

Damian: *looks up* yes

Bruce: what do you think of her...?

Dick: *tries not to laugh*

Tim: *fails not to laugh*

Steph: *doesn't even try not to laugh*

Damian: she was... acceptable, if a bit annoying, why do you ask?

Tim: He's trying to set you up!

Batkids -Damian: *laughs*

Damian: *stares blankly*

Bruce: og course, you don't hav-

Damian: father, are you unaware that I'm in a committed relationship?

Duke, Tim and Dick: *choke on their food*

Steph: *choke on her drink*

Cass: *smiles*

Batkids: WHAT?!

Bruce: ... I-....

Jason: *laughs so hard he almost falls from his chair* oh Jesus Christ! The world's best detectives at their finest!

Dick: you knew? And you didn't tell me?!

Jason: where the fuck do you think he went almost every fucking friday?

Bruce: *turns to Damian* I- I though you were having sleepover with Jon

Damian: I was.

Dick: but you just-

Batfam: *stops all their movememnt as they realize*

Jason: *actually falls from his chair laughing*

Buce: JONATHAN SAMUEL KENT!

-over at the Kent farm, also having family dinner-

Jon, who heard Bruce shout his name: I feel like I'm going to get murdered by a bat in my sleep

Clark, who was also listening in: right after you explain why I had to find out you're dating Damian throught their family dinner

Jon: hehe... fuck

Tim: what's the meanest thing you've ever done?

Jason: i know you expect me to say trying to beat you to death that one time, but in the league i once told Damian that Talia was lying about his heritage to manipulate Batman and his actual father was Lex Luthor. so that.

Tim: ?!

Jason: yeah i faked a DNA test to prove it and he believed me for like 4 months.

Tim: holy shit

Jason: to be honest the meanest part was probably putting hair removal cream in his shampoo and convincing him he was going bald due to genetics. he was nine.

Tim: you are my hero. hear me say these words. I. Love. You.

Jason: i know buddy. i know.

Tim, slightly drunk: I told you all that I lost my spleen, but I actually know exactly where it is, because Ra’s keeps it in a jar on his bedside table.

Jason, also drunk: THATS WHAT THAT IS?!?!

Tim: you’ve seen it? HOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT?!

Jason: I had to take Damian to visit Talia at the league!

Tim: AND YOU ENDED UP IN RA’S BEDROOM?

Jason: every time I go there I put an assortment of miscellaneous vegetables in his bedding to convince him he’s going insane.

Tim:

Tim: that’s actually kinda cool.

Jason: it’s the only thing that makes escourting the kid back and forth worth it.

Damian, twelve, Tim and Jason’s designated driver of the evening: I swear mother has assigned you to me like some sort of service dog, Todd.

Jason, nodding: or personal uber.

Tim: come to think of it I have seen you lay your head on him whenever you think he’s anxious-

Jason: HE SAYS IT HELPS-!

Damian: -fucking stay out of it, Drake!

Tim: aight damn

Jason, trying to intimidate Tim: you think you can escape me? in the league of assasins they used to call me the executioner. do you know how fucked up you have to be to get an organisation of assassins to give you a murder-centric title?!?! DO YOU?!?!?

Tim, eyes wide: dude i didn’t realise they were your waffles i’m sorry-

Damian in the doorway: they were MY waffles that Todd stole from ME.

Jason:

Tim:

Damian: and for the record nobody called you ‘the executioner’. most of us called you ‘pebbles’ because after you were brought out of the pit we kept finding you throwing pebbles into the pond in the courtyard

Tim, fighting a smirk: …pebbles?

Jason, to Tim: i will slam you up against this wall.

Damian, humming: he does have a strong arm. all that pebble throwing practice.

Jason: OK I WILL CALL YOUR MOTHER-

(jason totally taught damian how to skip rocks instead of training him one morning and damian would rather die than admit its one of his favourite memories)

Jason: People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don't give a damn about anybody.

Damian: If you decide to have a problem after midnight, that's between you and God.

Tim, very tired: …How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons?

At a gala:

Some Old Lady, pinching Tim’s cheeks: “Aren’t you the sweetest?”

Tim: “No ma’am, I am a horrible little gremlin child.”

Old Lady: “Oh my.”

Joker dies bcs during his big dramatic speech of the day he tries to be be all insane and funny by pretending to shoot himself in the head with his BANG! flag gun but he fucks up getting distracted by flirting with Batman and mixes up his guns and he shoots himself in the face in front of the bats. Jason, who was being bodily held back from shooting him himself by Bruce and Dick for the past 15 minutes, laughs so hard he fractures a rib and has to be carried back to the batmobile

Batfam incorrect quotes:

Party of some kind:

Dick: [ making a scene,hyping up the crowd]

Jason: stop hyping up people, your causing a scene!!

Dick: NO!! I’m one of those people who gets energy from the people around me :D

Tim: get energy from somewhere else, your like a vibe vampire.

Dick: I’m not a vampire?!

Damian:[ pulls out a book, holding it up like a cross] may the power of introvert energy compel you!

Dick: *hisss

Batfam incorrect quotes because I like to:

—

Bruce: Alfred, what do I do?

Damian: This is an issue...

De aged Dick: I told you I didn't want little siblings! D:<

De aged Jason, crying under a table with a batarang: I DON'T WANNA BE KIDNAPPED!

De aged Tim, staring at Bruce with big, wide eyes: :o

De aged Stephanie, tackling Dick:

—

Bruce: Alright, until Zatanna can get here, you're gonna need to be on your best behavior.

Stephanie: I want my Mom!

Stephanie, kicking Bruce's shins:

Bruce: I am so glad you're not my kid.

Dick, staring at a Nintento game card: Why's the game cartridge so small!?

Bruce: Oh, yeah, I forgot you grew up in the 90's... Um...

Tim, trying to eat said game card:

Bruce: Timothy Jackson Drake, no!

Tim, dropping it quickly and posing like a startled Red Panda: :o

Alfred, holding Jason by the scruff: Sir, master Jason attempted escape again.

Jason: I'm telling my Dad on you! He'll beat you up! MY PARENTS ARE GONNA CALL THE COPS ON YOU! JUST YA WAIT, THEY'RE GONNA BE HERE AND TAKE ME AWAY FROM YOU FOREVER!

Bruce: Hrn, maybe I should've talked to Jason more about his birth parents when I got him...

Alfred: No Father is perfect, sir.

Stephanie: MY MOM SAYS EAT THE RICH!

Stephanie, taking a bite out of Bruce's hand:

—

Bruce: Look, I turned on a movie!

Dick: . . . Why is THE LION KING IN REAL LIFE!?

Bruce: It's live action—

Dick: KILL IT!

Tim, lifting a camera up slowly and snapping a picture of Bruce from a corner:

Bruce: !? Tim?! Where'd you get a camera!?

Tim, dropping to all fours and quietly crawling along the shadows to leave the room:

Bruce: . . . What?

Damian: Father, permission to be a tad bit suspicious of Tim's humanity?

Bruce: He didn't have any when I met him, now I think he might not be human.

—

Jason: I'M IN A BATMOBILE AND YOU'RE NOT!

Bruce, trying to open the door frantically: Jason Peter Todd get out of that car right this instance!

Jason: TAKE ME HOME!

Bruce: Jason, please, I'm not trying to kidnap you.

Jason: I WANT MY MOM!

Tim, popping up from the back seats to climb into the passenger seat and snap a photo of Bruce, desperately struggling to get inside the bat mobile:

Jason: WHERE'D YOU COME FROM!?

Tim, shrugging:

Jason: . . . YOU'RE WEIRD!

Dick, running around in Stephanie's Robin uniform: BATMAN, NANANANANANANA!!!

Stephanie, squealing as she swings Tim's bō staff around:

Damian, chasing after them both: ENOUGH, BOTH OF YOU! YOU ARE ACTING CHILDISH!

Jason, crying: I want my Mooooom.

Tim, turning on the radio, gasping when it works: :o

—

Dick, glaring at a laptop: That's not normal. Why'd you flatten the computer?! WHAT IS THAT THING ON IT!?

Bruce: It's a laptop, and that's internet, and I'm trying to contact Lucius to inform him neither Tim or I will be there for work today.

Damian: Must I go to school? This seems like a family emergency.

Dick: I don't wanna go to school either!

Tim, dropping from an air vent onto the floor, landing face first like a limp rag doll:

Bruce: OH MY GOD!?

Tim, coughing once before picking himself up and snapping a picture of Bruce:

Bruce: . . . I need to get Tim tested.

Damian: For?

Bruce, watching as Tim waddles away: Everything.

—

Stephanie: This place is to big, my Dad would never let me stay at a place this fancy.

Jason: We're being human trafficked!

Stephanie: I dunno, that guy hasn't tried anything.

Jason: Them why do you keep bitin' and kickin' 'im?

Stephanie: I just like to.

Tim:

Jason: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?

Tim, lifting up a blank, thick, white binder, flipping it open to reveal page after page of pictures of both Bruce and Batman, as well as Dick and Robin:

Stephanie: What's that?

Tim: Batman.

Jason: YOU CAN SPEAK!?

Tim: . . . Wanna hear me talk about Batman?

Stephanie:

Jason:

Both: Sure.

Tim, big gasp: :O

—

Dick, swinging from a chandelier, singing: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!? WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!? WOOF WOOF WOOF!

Bruce, sipping from a mug of coffee: I'm glad I got those reinforced...

Tim, taking a picture:

Bruce: . . . Are you hungry?

Tim:

Bruce: You... You haven't eaten.

Tim:

Bruce: . . . Alfred, can you contact Cass? She might be able to communicate with Tim.

Alfred: Right away, sir.

—

Cass: Hi, Tim.

Tim:

Cass: What am I meant to do?

Bruce: Communicate with him..?

Cass: . . . How?

Bruce: You know body language better than I do.

Cass: He seems neutral.

Bruce: I don't think his facial expression has changed once.

Cass: What?

Bruce: Unless blinking counts.

Tim, looking at Bruce: I know what you are.

Tim, waddling off:

Cass: Why was he scarier as a child?

Bruce: The only one who wasn't terrifying as a child was Tim.

Jason, running through the halls with a bucket on his head, right into a wall: Oof!

Bruce: . . . And Jason.

—

Stephanie: You're pretty.

Cassandra: Thank you.

Stephanie: Why is there so many boys here?

Cassandra: Men usually have a harder time dealing with complex emotions and so are more likely to turn to violence to cope, hence why Bruce became Batman. As for Tim, Dick, and Jason? They ended up with Bruce and inherited his... Coping mechanisms.

Stephanie: . . . What?

Cassandra: . . . Want to go hang out at our girls only club?

Stephanie: YES!

—

Babs: Permission to ask?

Cass, braiding Stephanie's hair: No.

Stephanie, eating a king sized Hershey bar, looking like Kirby as she opens her mouth to consume it whole:

—

Bruce: Alright, I had to bribe Alfred with a months vacation, but...

Bruce, putting down two big bags of McDonald's:

Dick: MCDONALD'S!!!!

Tim, snapping a picture:

Jason: Is it drugged?

Bruce: No more than Gotham's food usually is. I got you a Wonder Woman toy.

Dick: I WANT SUPERMAN! :D

Bruce: You got Superman.

Jason: Hm . . . Bribe accepted, but only because if you try to hurt me I'm gonna tell the cops your Batman and get you arrested for forever.

Bruce, knowing damn well Jason hates the police and ain't no snitch: That's fine.

Jason, digging into a bag instantly:

Tim:

Bruce: Uh...

Bruce, slowly lifting a French fry between two fingers:

Tim, eating it from Bruce's fingers before waddling away:

Bruce: . . .

Dick: Wait, isn't that our neighbor?

Jason, lifting his toy in the air: WONDER WOMAN!!!

Dick: Wanna make her fight my Superman!?

Jason: HELL YEAH!

—

Bruce: Alright, Zatanna will be here in an hour. Thank god.

Dick: Is she gonna make us grown ups again?

Bruce: Yes.

Dick: YAY! NO MORE SCHOOL!

Jason: But I like school! Can I still go to school as a grown up?

Bruce: Uh... Of course, Jay, lad.

Jason: YES! EDUCATION! I can't wait to graduate again! :D

Bruce: uhhhh...

Tim: I ate the game card.

Jason:

Dick:

Bruce:

—

BONUS:

*Tim and Bernard, sitting in a hospital room*

Bernard: How'd you get a Stardew Valley Nintendo switch game stuck in your large intestine?

—

absolutely obsessed with Jason and Tim being the family psychologists that spend 90% of their time together just getting into long debates and discussions about the personalities and mental issues of everybody in the family. they will meet up at Jason’s apartment twice a week for takeout and a 2 hour conversation on how Damian might be so obsessed with the Robin mantle because the dynamics of the league make him think that family should be a business and if he cant work as a vigilante he’ll be abandoned. every stakeout they do together ends up with them getting distracted talking about Dick and his obsession with red heads. they’ve let multiple people go during these stakeouts bcs they’ve gotten side tracked when they then start discussing if Jason’s childhood issues and strained relationship with Dick somehow influenced HIM to befriending Dick’s old pals so often, and they get so fascinatingly into it that the guy they were waiting for just. slipped right by them.

nothing is off limits between these two when they start talking about mental health and family issues. they’ll compare Tim’s abandonment-independence from the Drakes to Jason’s caretaker habits from his dug addicted mother. there have been 3 hour phone call conversations about the loa and how it fucked with Jason’s perception of Bruce that then get turned into 4 hour face to face discussions about how Tim’s opinion of Bruce rapidly declined because of Jason’s death and how he handled it. they rehash how Bruce has effected every single bat child about 12 times and they still never get tired of it.

it’s not even about therapy or coming to terms with trauma. these two bitches just love dissecting family drama and psychology within the Waynes. every now and then during dinner somebody will make a fairly casual remark that has nothing to do with anything and Jason and Tim will make eye contact across the table because they KNOW they’ll be tearing that apart at a later date. what I’m saying is english-enthusiast Jason Todd and stalker-genius Timothy Drake are 100% the gossip scientists of the family, and the Waynes are their lab rats being observed for their own entertainment

as much as i love angst i do also adore familial league of assassins shit, and since i keep seeing them on my tiktok fyp i cant stop thinking about those videos of idiot teenagers in military training being. teenagers. and thinking of jason and damian. just those two having weird little gimmicks and traditions that confuse the absolute fuck out of the rest of the family from their time at the league.

damian will refer to grapes as ‘assassination implements’ because of that time jason tried to throw one at him, missed, hit ra’s in the back of the head, and to avoid getting out of trouble gaslit him into believing it must have been some kind of dart that hit him from a coup attempt. ra’s went into lockdown and had the entire base searched and jason’s been lying about it for a year, nodding along whenever ra’s brings up the ‘irritating failure that escaped capture’.

nanda parbat had a specific bar that a lot of the assassins would go to when off-duty for a break, but damian wasn’t allowed because talia said he was too young so jason and a couple other loa workers dressed him up in fake facial hair and convinced the bartender he was just a really short old guy to get him in, and since then whenever they talk about something damian’s done that he wasn’t supposed to do they say it was ‘old man brutus’ that did it. bruce has no idea who the fuck brutus is or why two of his sons find his existence so amusing.

whenever the assassins were fucking around on loa grounds they would have a specific low-down gravely tone of voice that when any of them saw talia or ra’s approach, they would use to warn the rest of the group by saying ‘al ghul’ in that tone to indicate everyone had to straighten up and act like they were training. damian can copy that tone perfectly, and will use that voice when saying non-sensical words like ‘ooby-dooby’ and ‘birch tree’ because the tone makes jason instinctively straight up and whirl around like a soldier hearing the word ‘sergeant’. it works every fucking time.

one of damian’s tutors and jason’s mission colleague hated coconut milk with a fucking passion and would rant about it every time it was brought up in conversation. a lot of the guys would take bets on how long she could go talking about it and then purposely brought it up to set her off as a game. every time anyone around the loa base was seen with coconut milk somebody would respond ‘what would eden say if she saw you with that?’. tim dick and bruce do not know who eden is or why they hate coconut milk and at this point they’re too scared to ask.

all im saying is the loa becomes much funnier if we consider it just to be a very strict assassin boarding school that jason attended and damian grew up in.

Long time headcanon of mine:

During the super sons era Damian turned Jon vegetarian. He lectured Jon the farm boy that he is that he's eating his animal friends and terrify Jon.

"What do you mean I'm eating a cow?! I have a cow in my family farm I know😭"

"Yeah by eating that stake you're eating your Nancy! And also Batcow!"

Damian would definitely use Jon's big heart and his shared love for animals to get him stop eating meat (good for him!).

Just ignore my silly batfam texting headcanon(s).

Damian Jason the literature nerd and Barbara all have perfect grammar and a high vocabulary in texting and the rest of the batkids is like wtf. Weirdos. In group chats.

Though Damian probably uses emojis a lot. Probably a lot of angry emojis.

And also Jason is very brief and stiff in his messages.

it gets to the point where reporters start asking the rest of the batfam about it cuz they can’t get a straight answer.

they forgot the batfam is a bunch of assholes.

dick: they were born of the same laugh, but cass had to live in the winter woods

jason: they swapped bodies too often and started resembling each other

stephanie: they’re biologically twins, they just have different parents

damian: drake got surgery to look more like cain. he was even more disgusting before.

duke: they’re from the shining, swear on my life

bruce: of course they’re twins. it’s just that cassandra was born earlier.

so my siblings look like twins (they are not) and once again my bullshit brain was like hmmmm batfam. So here. Have some Cass and Tim twin content. Featuring my siblings’ and I’s answers to:

”are you twins?”

-

Tim: we used to be.

-

Cass: Legally? No. Biologically? No. Genetically? Also no.

-

Tim: you can see her too?

Cass: *fucking disappears*

-

Tim: we are, but we were separated at birth so she’s older now.

-

Cass: That’s a long story. So here it is! It all started in the summer of 1783…..

-

Tim: well, not until after the accident.

-

Cass: After the witch got us, no.

-

Tim: She’s actually a failed clone experiment. Or was that me? -

Cass: he’s actually adopted but we are biological twins.

- Tim: yes but we have separate fathers. - Cass: *Ditto from Pokémon sounds* - Tim: Well you see I was an only child for 15 years but around 1444 I was standing in the swamp, covered in frogs, but these frogs had human eyes. They also had human feet but that’s not relevant to the story— that’s when the biggest, Jeramiah, started to speak… - Cass: father actually summoned us from hell so we’re not related in any way except that we both possessed the same body for a while until Tim got a separate one. - Tim: I had one but she died five years ago this very day. She died in a tragic bathroom accident. Fell in the toilet.

Clown!Reader: Accepting any job that helps bring a smile to their customers.

Batman: Hm...

One week later

Clown!Reader: Goes through several hardships that almost cost them their sanity.

Batman: Oracle can you try to do a backgroung check?–

Clown!Reader: Almost unalives after losing their jobs thanks to Joker and his goons.

Batman: Change of plans. Alfred, prepare a room!

😂🤣🤣🤣 I would be Duke in this family

Bruce: Were any of you involved in the bridge that collapsed?

Tim: No, I was with Bernard and Kon, and I have proof. *Pulls out photos of him on a date with Kon and Bernard*

Jason: Why would I be at the bridge?

Dick: I was with Jason *he panicked, normally he is way better at this*

Cass: *signing in ASL* Following Tim

Damian: How dare you insinuate thay I would do such a thing father

Duke: Yeah, I was there. I did it, and I'd do it again. *smiles blindingly*

Bruce: I forgive you, Duke. You're free to go.

Duke: Awesome

Bruce: Tim, you're free to go as well, -

Tim: Great

Bruce: -and I will be setting up a meeting with Conner and Bernard. I need to...talk to them.

Tim: Noooooo, I was there too. We all were, we blew up the bridge.

Bruce: I see. Everyone but Duke, deep clean the Cave, Alfred has the supplies.

Jason: What? Why does Duke get out of it? Is it because he confessed?

Bruce: No?? I just can't stay mad at him. Look at that smile. *gestures to Duke, who is smiling*

Dick: Yeah, the smile of evil.

Babs: Depends on why you want to punch the kid- Looks at Damian Babs: What did little demon junior do this time

Steph, looking at Damian: Babs, would it be wrong to punch a child?

Bruce: Today I realised I'm old

Clark: What happened?

Bruce: I fell in the kitchen and instead of laughing, all my kids came running to see if I was ok

Clark:

Bruce: I saw fear in their eyes

Plot twist option A

There is a secret B day party they prepared for him in the kitchen and they picked Dick to lure B in,, And look, Dick saw an opportunity and took it,, He just loves to be the cause for Bruce's receding hairline okay?

Plot twist option B

There is a disaster going down in the library so big, that all the things listed would be minor inconvenience compared to it. It's like an absolute full scale Catastrophy and Dick needs at least 10 more minutes to get a hold on the situation and tone it down to a presentable state.

Bruce: Alright, I left the room for six minutes- can someone fill me in?

Dick: Well, so... Tim almost died like three times, we can't find Cass, Jason caused a fire... Also, I'm supposed to be distracting you from going into the kitchen because of reasons I can't say.

Said couple are definitely Tim’s bio parents.

*Jason, Dick, Tim and Damian peeking out the window*

Bruce: What are you doing?

Dick: TVs broke, so we’re watching a couple break up across the street.

Bruce:

Bruce: I’ll get some popcorn.

Bruce : I was going to suggest we do Marilyn Monroe and JFK roleplay, but I’d get way too into it.

Selena: What- how?

Bruce : You’d be like “come to bed … Mr. President” and I’d be like, “I need to increase the amount of American military advisors in South Vietnam by a factor of 18.”

Jason: Croissants: dropped

Dick: Road: works ahead

Duke: BBQ sauce: on my titties

Stephanie: Shavacado: fre

Tim: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead

Damian:

Damian: ...I didn’t understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

Damian: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Cass: >:O

Dick: language

Jason: Yeah watch your fucking language

Tim: Okay, who taught demon spawn the fuck word?!

Stephanie: 'The fuck word'.

Duke: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

Tim: Oh my god they censored it

Stephanie: Say fuck, Duke.

Jason: Do it, Duke. Say fuck.

Bruce: What happened?!

Stephanie: Do you want the long version or the short version?

Bruce: Sh-short??

Stephanie: Shit's fucked.

Bruce: Okay, long.

Stephanie: Shit's very fucked.

Dick: Hey Dami, made anyone cry today?

Damian: Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.

Duke: *starts to leave patrol at sundown*

*an explosion is heard from nearby area*

Gotham Citizen: What was that?

Duke: The sound of someone else's problem.