I Want To Get My Shit Together So Badly

The urge to rip out your arms during derealization.

"mental health matters!" until your screaming and crying in the early hours of the morning over losing something as miniscule as your phone charger. but the reason your crying isn't actually about the charger, or your favorite pen you can't find.

little things add up.

We love the feeling of permanent panicattacks

They will never understand the sadness that you can physically feel in your chest

"Your trauma makes you stronger"

No, my trauma gave me depression, quiet & self-destructive bpd, anxiety, insomnia and a inner child that desperately wants to get healed.

Scared of being alone, only pleasing other people desperately trying to have friends, to not be the outstander.

I was a child. I wanted to be protected by the persons that hurt me. I wanted their help & their love. And now I am the person struggling to accept care even though I want it because it makes me feel trapped & dependent. I am the person struggling to show love.

my range of emotions go from “it’s scary how much i feel” to “it’s scary how much i don’t feel”

I don't need you.

(Please hold me and wipe my tears.)

What even is love?

I don't know how it feels.

I only know the feeling of obsession.

I LOVE you for some days, but then there is NOTHING. I feel nothing.

I don't know if i love you, i don't want to hurt you.

At some point you make me feel safe, on the other you scare me.

Fuck, i don't know what to do.

.

I am sorry for ghosting my friends. I am just not feeling good. Not at all.

If I finally answer them, most of them answer immediately. Why can't I be thankful for that? Because in that moments i am like "ugh now you have to also answer immediately."

Whats wrong with me? I really like most of them but i can't help it.

I want to leave this world, honestly.

Sometimes wonder how things will be if I manage to do it until I am like, 70.

Like, i would probably be a hated, grumpy old women and would still have bpd. Like.

It really does never leave.

Hm, i don't want to get that old anyway but its kinda weird to think about that, also I am pretty sure the old days would be extremely hard to deal with, constantly reminding how your body is to old to do the things you loved to do.