Mor-ranr - Mor'ranr

You might be aromantic if...

Aromanticism can be really hard to figure out, especially since we’re often not sure what “romantic attraction” is supposed to be, so I made a list of things I’ve often seen in myself and other aromantic-spectrum people.

These are just generalizations. They won’t apply to every aromantic-spectrum person; and some non-aromantic people will have some of these things, too. Some of the list items are contradictory. Having any of the experiences listed below is not proof that you’re aromantic, nor are you any less aromantic if few of them apply to you. But if you’ve been trying to figure out your romantic orientation, and a lot of these sound really familiar to you…then it may mean something.

I also made a list of words relevant to aro-spectrum people in case that helps.

When you discovered the word “aromantic,” it felt like something finally clicked into place for you.

Identifying as aromantic makes you feel relieved, free, happy, or more like yourself.

When you discovered the concept of a “squish” suddenly a lot of things made more sense to you.

You have trouble telling the difference between romantic and friendly feelings.

You’ve never had a crush on someone, or fallen in love.

You’re not sure if you’ve ever had a crush on someone or fallen in love.

You have trouble telling the difference between a crush and a squish, or between romantic and aesthetic/sexual/sensual attraction.

You have doubted whether crushes or love really exist, or if they’re just cultural constructs.

You find romance boring, annoying or upsetting when it appears in fiction, even if it’s written well.

You once thought that having a crush on someone meant you admired them or really wanted to be their friend.

You thought crushes were something you consciously decided to have, and selected an acquaintance or celebrity to be your crush, because everyone else was doing it.

You forgot which acquaintance or celebrity you were supposed to have a crush on.

If you’re not asexual, a “friends with benefits” relationship sounds ideal to you.

You have trouble relating, or feeling involved, when your friends discuss their romantic relationships or romantic feelings.

Falling in love doesn’t seem very exciting to you.

You don’t understand why other people make such a big deal out of having crushes or falling in love.

You don’t understand why people do ridiculous, irrational or over-the-top things in the name of love.

You don’t understand why finding someone sexually/aesthetically attractive would lead you to want a committed relationship with them.

Or, maybe you sort of understand those things in an abstract way, but you can’t really relate to them.

You have never had a romantic relationship - not because you couldn’t get one, but because you just never really bothered to try, or you liked being single better.

When a romantic relationship gets serious, it makes you feel cold, distant or uncomfortable.

Getting a romantic partner feels more like fulfilling an obligation, or something you’re supposed to do, than something you’re really enthusiastic about.

Your romantic partners always seem to be way more into the lovey-dovey stuff than you are.

A likable person suggests having a romantic relationship with you, and you’re indifferent to it - you’re open to trying it, but you won’t get disappointed without it. Other people may find your indifference bizarre or think you’re giving off mixed messages.

You have felt guilty about not loving your romantic partner as much as they loved you, even though you sincerely cared about them and wanted to love them back.

You have felt suffocated, repressed or tense in a romantic relationship, even though you really liked your partner and they hadn’t done anything wrong.

When your last romantic relationship ended, you felt relieved and free more than you felt sad, even if your partner broke it off, and even if you liked them very much as a person.

You’re more excited by making a new best friend than by falling in love.

You wouldn’t mind marrying your best friend and spending your life with them, even though you’re not in love with them.

You’d rather spend Friday night having a sleepover party with your buddies than going out on a date.

You want a best friend much more than you want a romantic relationship.

It’s not so much the idea of being single forever that bothers you, so much as being alone or unwanted.

You are either oblivious to other people flirting with you, or feel uncomfortable or threatened by it.

You are sometimes perceived as flirtatious when you only meant to be friendly.

You live in a large community and see or meet hundreds of people around your age every year, but none of them have ever stirred romantic feelings in you.

You recognize whether something is romantic or not by comparing it to other gestures, words and signals that your culture has taught you are romantic, rather than “feeling” the romance of it intuitively.

When you say or do romantic things, it feels like you’re following a script or copying romantic things you’ve seen elsewhere, rather than something spontaneous and natural to you.

When thinking about what sort of person you’d want to date, your criteria are identical to what you would want from a best friend.

The main benefit you get from a romantic relationship is either platonic, sensual, sexual, or a combination of those; the romantic aspect is okay but it’s not really the part you like most.

You have trouble imagining romantic activities that you would enjoy, unless those activities are also fun or interesting for you on a platonic or intellectual level.

You feel like your closest friends and/or queerplatonic partners are better at fulfilling your emotional needs than romantic partners would be.

You would rather be huggy, cuddly or emotionally intimate with all of your friends instead of reserving your intimacy for just one person.

You would rather have a queerplatonic relationship than a typical romantic relationship.

You don’t feel as if you’re missing anything in your life right now; having a romantic partner might be nice, but you don’t need it or seek it out.

The idea of being single forever sounds awesome to you.

You enjoy gestures and activities that are traditionally labeled “romantic,” but at no point during them do you actually feel attracted to whoever you’re with.

You don’t enoy gestures and activities that are traditionally labeled romantic, either because the romance aspect bothers you, or because all of them are just plain unappealing to you.

You avoid going places where people are likely to flirt with you, such as bars, parties, nightclubs, and concerts.

You’re not sure why other people enjoy romantic stories; you usually just find the lead characters to be annoying, boring or dysfunctional.

You like the idea of having a big wedding celebration more than the idea of actually marrying someone.

Feel free to add your own.

Aromanticism often goes hand-in-hand with:

Low self-esteem, self-loathing, and/or feelings of inferiority

Feeling lonely, isolated, or like you’re an “other”

Shame

Anxiety

Fear of abandonment, distrust of friends and family

Constant second-guessing one’s own identity

Fear of the future or an inability to imagine oneself with a “happy ending”

Disassociation in the form of feeling “unreal” or “inhuman”

This is a huge problem that can really destroy a person, and the root cause is the way our society treats relationships. But the thing is, nobody ever tries to address this problem. People outside of the aro community (which is small and disjointed as it is) don’t discuss aro issues, and don’t try to think critically about the messages they put out, and then when aros talk about how much they’re hurting, we just get told that we don’t have it as bad as other people, so we don’t have any right to complain, and our feelings aren’t real.

God knows it’s hard to heal yourself without help from others, and aros aren’t getting that help. And sure, sometimes we can talk to each other, but that can only get you so far- it’s the emotional equivalent of two people simultaneously trying to save each other from drowning. The aromantic community needs outside support, but nobody is trying to help us aside from saying that we’re Valid™ every now and then. That’s a big problem.

I think it’s very important that everyone knows that palaeontologists keep small fossils in little gelatin capsules:

You know…like these things:

No comment on whether or not they grow in water, though.

~

“this is the hill you want to die on?” oh no i just love arguing. i fully intend to leave this hill once it gets boring. sorry for the confusion!

I was explaining this to a friend recently and I think it's an important distinction to make: not all queerplatonic relationships look the same.

A good way I've found to illustrate what exactly a qpr is, is to say "a qpr is to relationships what nonbinary is to gender". While both of these traditionally function on a binary (male/female, platonic/romantic), by defining our personal outlooks and experiences of the concepts of gender and relationships with new terms, we challenge the boundaries that society has put in place.

And yes, whilst redefining what actually constitutes romantic or platonic relationships, or male and female identities, and what makes them different (and acknowledging where they overlap, or where they can expand past what we traditionally expect) is important to increasing our understanding, so is providing options entirely outside of those two boxes.

And that's what it is - options. It's very easy to trivialise the concept of nonbinary and simply make gender into a trinary, rather than a binary. Male/female/nonbinary, which goes against the very purpose of the nonbinary label. This further erases the spectrum of gender. It's the same with relationships - by giving a strict set of instructions on how a qpr must look and act, you are simply creating a trinary. The point of the concept of qprs is to acknowledge that there are relationships between people that may overlap platonic and romantic, or fall partially within one and partially outside, or ones that are entirely separate from either category.

There are an infinite amount of ways a relationship can manifest, and if the people in the relationship feel that queerplatonic best describes their partnership without romance, or their affection without commitment, or their feelings towards each other that aren't quite what romantic or platonic is to them, or any other reason that rebels against amatonormativity, then they can choose to use that term. Queerplatonic covers the widest range of relationships that come in all shapes and sizes.

I think it's so important when discussing topics like relationships and gender to consciously make the effort to keep queering our ideas of the concepts - to remember that a spectrum is a spectrum. Labels can be useful for finding community, identifying your experiences and validating your struggles, but as soon as you try to start hyper-defining them, you lose the radical nature of queering our understanding of ourselves and our relationships. We name these concepts in order to give a voice to our subversion of society's arbitrary rules and expectations, not to police each other into conforming to a particular understanding of how a person (with a certain label) "should" act or be.

*through gritted teeth* every day i choose to be kind *barely restraining myself from violence* i choose to have compassion *tamping down the vicious bloodlust inside me* i choose to care and to be kind and to love

FUCK aliens ! we got these crazy shits under da sea and we’re not payin any attention!!!

If The Types Came with an Instruction Manual: INFP Edition

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner/friend of an INFP! Here are a few things to take note of with your new best friend! Oh, you didn’t know INFP was now your best friend? Well now you do, because if you have one, it’s going to stay by your side for pretty much ever.

1. Your INFP comes with the innate ability to scope out good and bad! This particular model is very good at determining whether or not a person is being truthful and genuine or totally fake! You just acquired a lie detector as well. Your INFP will be able to break a person down in about 5 minutes flat !On top of that, they will warn you as well like the little Golden retrievers they are! 2. Your INFP is an INTROVERT! This means that more often than not, your INFP is going to be just as happy staying in and watching a movie by his or her self, than going out. So remember to keep the super social things down to a small amount or this will drain your INFPs battery.* They tend to like one on one things or a small group often a maximum of 3-5. Be sure to ask INFP how they feel. Be prepared for a 30 minute conversation.

*CAUTION: If INFP loves you, INFP will try to force itself to go to gatherings so as to make you happy. Then you will not see INFP for a week or more. Be careful with INFPs willingness to participate as likely they do it for you.

3. INFP cares Deeply!! Your INFP comes standard with the ability of caring too much and too deeply. Usually this trait makes them resent themselves more than anything, but when they find that person who appreciates them for it, they become very happy and stick to you like glue. Please be sure to listen to INFP when they speak and try your best to understand them, because 99.9999% guaranteed, your INFP listens to you and remembers most everything you like and dislike. 4. Your INFP usually likes one of the following: Writing, drawing, music, etc. This is a way your INFP expresses themselves, and is a very important thing to them. There is a 40% chance that INFP will show you there art/writing/music choices one day. When/If they do, know that INFP finds you very special, as this is very uncommon and you have become the chosen one.

5. Your INFP is obsessed with something. No really, your INFP has something that it loves and expresses said love for it. Whether it is something as small as a fascination with rocks to a unhealthy love of rainbows. Please indulge this. INFP will show this feature the more you spend time with them. Pro Tip: If you get a gift for INFP that involves said obsession, you will become their favorite person ever and will likely keep with gift in a place and remember you every time they look at it. Plus they will likely never expect you to do this for them.

6. Your INFP is not good at confrontation. Your INFP DOES NOT like confrontation and will do anything to avoid it. They are diplomats and they keep true to the title. They try to make peace in bad situations and can often stop fights by being the nuetral go between. They are able to see both sides of the coin and will try their best to make everyone happy. Please avoid confrontation to spare INFPs becoming mentally exhausted/Upset/using every emotion they have and know of…

7. INFPs are VERY GOOD AT CONFRONTATION. (Yes we are aware of what was stated above in 6) While INFP does not like confrontation, when a friend of INFP has been wronged, it is as if something snapped in INFP and suddenly INFP will become bullet proof and will destroy its target. In plain terms, your Golden Retriever has now switched to full on Rottweiler guard dog mode. If you want this action not to be completed on your behalf, you must tell INFP before it annihilates the person that has wronged you. They have a very hurtful almost eerie way of completing this action and It is not pretty. Distract INFP with something shiny or its favorite thing to spare the person.

8. Your INFP in the embodiment of the word contradiction. (See 6 &7) Your INFP can be decisive and indecisive on the same day at basically the same time. One moment your INFP will be meek and mild like a lamb about one thing, and as vicious as a bear protecting it’s young about another. This is normal and in time will become less and less surprising.

Pro Tip: Don’t try to change this quality. It actually adds to INFPs quirkiness and overall personality. Plus their feelings WILL get hurt

9. Your INFP is very strong and can be very stubborn, but will cave if they love a person. Treat your INFP with care as their love for you will make them give in to doing most of what you want to make you happy. Consult with your INFP to be sure what you re doing/planning makes them happy too. More often than not it will, but they will appreciate the consideration and only love you more. (Be prepared for a 15-30 minutes conversation and possible tangents)

10. Your INFP needs to talk to you! Your INFP has a habit of keeping everything in. In their mind, the less they trouble you with their problems, somehow to them makes it better for everyone else. If left unchecked, INFP will slowly erode and self destruct and feel unlved and misunderstood. You must ask them how they are doing and spend one on one time with them often. It would be simple if asking how your INFP was was a simple as asking “how are you?” But it is NOT. You must sometimes be a little forceful. Show that you care.

Pro Tip: Invite INFP over for bonding time. Give them a warm cup of coffee/tea and a cozy place to sit. Be ready to listen. CAUTION! This will likely take from 2-8+ hours. Make a day for it!

These are the top 10 instructions for your new INFP friend! We would post more, but sadly the model INFP comes with 75 additional volumes each with 700+ pages per volume! But this is a good way to get started and get to knowing your new INFP!

Have fun with your new friend and Congratulations!

Me in fourth grade: I am a god above you all. I have a twelfth grade reading level. I'm one of the two biggest readers in school and everybody knows it. This book? Yeah, I started it yesterday. I finished it today. Yeah it's 600 pages, what about it? You fools are nothing compared to me.

Me now: I can only read fanfiction and comic books. I can't even reread my favourite books. Actually starting a new book? Not happening. Reading is still my favourite activity but I can't do it. I am physically incapable of reading more than ten pages. I had to google how to spell twelfth. My favourite books are all over 1000 pages send help.