Duchesstopaz - Essence

The orange kitty presented...

Pride is also not pride by sweeping racism in white queer communities under the carpet.

i really like how the little mermaid (2023) took ariel's longing in the original and intensified it, but for the entire film. there's such a wistful undertone to it, even though eric and ariel's desires are clearly mapped out. the cinematography, the score—everything's drenched in melancholy, and i just think it brilliantly encapsulates the idea of hiraeth ("homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was").

I wanna ruin your days so I wanna point out the painful thing I realised:

when Buck had the pulmonary embolism in the Grant-Nash backyard the doctors said that the reason he survived was because he was surrounded by medical professionals but when we saw Maddie and Chimney at the hospital neither had a single drop of blood on them so the only thing that makes sense is that Hen and Eddie were the ones that got Buck stable 🤧

I hope everyone is having a wonderful beginning of pride month! This is my first pride since coming out and I'd like to share a little bit of my own perspective this pride.

I'm 22 and I only came out a few months ago. I've been super lucky and all of my friends and family have been super accepting. The worst part about coming out has just been me.

My whole life I thought I was straight, I didn't have many crushes (see later learning about demisexuality as well) and any that I did have were very normal cis guys from school. I never had any reason to think I wasn't straight and that was perfectly ok.

My friend group has always leaned on the queerer side. Most of them were out by the time we graduated high school or shortly after and all of them talked about how they always knew that it was always there.

I've known what pansexual is since I was 14 and I'd never thought of it as a label for me, people were pretty but that was it to me, I liked guys.

There's a guilt you feel sometimes when you come out later than your peers. Whether it be like me and you're still young or years down the line. You're still just as valid but there's that part of you that feels guilty for not knowing sooner.

It's my first pride and I feel guilty.

I feel guilty because every year before now pride was for my friends with me as the respectful ally following their lead. I've never even gone to a pride parade, always seeing that as something they got to do, something they deserved to do and I didn't want to intrude.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do.

I hope one day there's a part of me that doesn't feel like I'm just faking these feelings so I can be included, that it's ok I didn't always know but for now there is.

I'm grateful to everyone celebrating pride with me this year, my partner, my friends both here and out in the world and my family.

Thank you for reminding me I'm valid even when I can't always see it.

Happy pride everyone, especially if this is your first one.

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💜

friends

The ship The shipper

Grimsby said Team Ariel when he kicked that ring. 😂✌🏼

*Trigger Warnings: Descriptions of su*c*d*l ideations, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, guilt, anxiety, bipolar depression, insomnia, PTSD symptoms.* Sunday, May 28th, 2023 Part 5

12:06pm

I was hiding my anxiety, my depression, my rage, my insomnia under my mask that I guess was too thick. So thick that it shadowed the drips and drops of the truth, my truth, that I hoped would grow into waves large enough to show on your radar. That I was not okay. Not okay at all. But okay enough to manage, right?

My world was changing so fast and everything was too much, yet slow enough and just not enough that I could see my only motivation to even have a world, flickering in and out with every interaction. With every text left unsent. With every phone call unrung. 

I thought things were getting better, I thought I was getting better. But how could I with no therapist, no meds, no one to help me sift through that packet, no one to talk to? All I had was that packet, my laptop, and two older sisters that switched from laughter to comfort, to withdrawn to frustration. From me being there, to me wanting anything but anywhere…

The way you spoke, the way you acted, the way you looked, set me on edge. I felt like an intruder in your home, and during some of your “open conversations”, I felt like you thought so too. There were lines drawn in the sand, when you said you would always prioritize Gem over me, when there shouldn’t have been. There were so many contradictions, “We’re not roommates in college” vs. “I’m not your parent”, or better yet, “You’re an adult who can make their own decisions” vs. “You should at least inform me of what’s going on, so I can help you”, that should have been cut and dry. There were assumptions, so many assumptions, “I think you look for drama” vs. “I think you were trying to be insensitive”, that could have been questions. 

So many times, we had “open conversations” that were plainly and painfully, just one-sided. In which your claws were out, and I cried and apologized. Even the one time I found the strength to stand up for myself, I ended up saying “I’m sorry”, drowned in tears enough to last a lifetime.

Part 1 -- Part 2 -- Part 3 -- Part 4 -- Part 6 Part 7