Digital-dissociation-blog - Digital Dissociation

?????

How can I feel guilty and horrible like I'm cheating on someone not even interested me

 That I'm not even with?

Damn me for loving him too hard and too much...

I just get so lonely and scared without him...

I... i cant.. i cant.. anymore...

I failed again.. I failed again..aGAIN

I just want to die pleaseI dont wanna be here i dont wanna be alive anymore i just wanna die i just wanna die it all hurts too bad let this life be over please fucking pleasePLEASE

Can parents stop acting like providing a child’s basic needs is something to be earned? So many kids grow up traumatised because they were made to feel guilty about the existence they never asked for

Life update: Mood swings and depression are at an all-time high. Very horrible. Im not myself lately. I'm mean, nasty, and lashing out at all my loved ones. Trying to convince them to hate me, because if they hate me they can't be sad when im dead. Im actively suicidal and always very close to doing something or hurting myself. Exhausting. I went to the doctors today. Wanted to tell her about my horrible depression, but my mother was there. Got cold feet. Doctor told me Neurology doesn’t do POTS testing at ucsf but Cardiology does, so I’m getting referred for possible table testing. And the Disease place replied back to her and is requesting testing for Lyme because of everything I told them about how sick I am/get , so I had blood work done today. If I come back negative then I don't have to worry at all about it, apparently. But they are running three different types of testing and splotches to make sure. Unfortunately nothing back from mental health though. Which I need badly. I break down crying at nothing  Im just awful in every way...How can he say im getting better..?

I am in a lot of pain, and very emotionally unstable. Everything feels 20x harder on me today. I just want to be done with everything.  Gonna smoke some and try to sleep, if the pain doesn't stop me.

my two very conflicting personality traits

showering: take cold shower so you don’t get dizzy and pass out! Self care!

also me: it must feel like satan is PISSING on you and your skin must peel off like a face mask or it isn’t hot enough. You fucking wimp

Looking in the mirror while dissociated like