Trance Or Something | 28.04.19

Suicide attempt or just a fuck up?

Who knows.

Creating long continuous daydreams to try and go to sleep: great

Creating long continuous daydreams when you’re bored as fuck trying to pass the time: great

Creating long continuous daydreams on a Friday night and realising you’re single and are fantasising over a fictional world and no one actually cares about you: not so great

- yes, sometimes

I made a RedBubble!

Hi, you can call me D, Des, Digital, Digi. Any is fine.

I am a 23yrold NB Spoonie trying to make some money to be able to support myself on, hopefully, to try and be less of a burden on my family. I am usually an artist, but with that going nowhere I’ve decided to try Graphic Design? Is that the term? If you love what I have done so far I have a bunch of prints on lots of items! Would love for you to check it out! Every bit helps! Thank you♥♥♥ https://www.redbubble.com/people/dgitldisociasyn

I don’t even want to be intimate with my “boyfriend” anymore because It feels like Im cheating on the guy I actually love, who doesn’t even want me.

Life is messed up. I dont want to be in love with him anymore. Its making it impossible to have other relationships..

Maybe if we went inside

Life update: Mood swings and depression are at an all-time high. Very horrible. Im not myself lately. I'm mean, nasty, and lashing out at all my loved ones. Trying to convince them to hate me, because if they hate me they can't be sad when im dead. Im actively suicidal and always very close to doing something or hurting myself. Exhausting. I went to the doctors today. Wanted to tell her about my horrible depression, but my mother was there. Got cold feet. Doctor told me Neurology doesn’t do POTS testing at ucsf but Cardiology does, so I’m getting referred for possible table testing. And the Disease place replied back to her and is requesting testing for Lyme because of everything I told them about how sick I am/get , so I had blood work done today. If I come back negative then I don't have to worry at all about it, apparently. But they are running three different types of testing and splotches to make sure. Unfortunately nothing back from mental health though. Which I need badly. I break down crying at nothing  Im just awful in every way...How can he say im getting better..?

I am in a lot of pain, and very emotionally unstable. Everything feels 20x harder on me today. I just want to be done with everything.  Gonna smoke some and try to sleep, if the pain doesn't stop me.