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This Is Not A Cry For Help - Blog Posts
A Reflective Poem on Mamá Filled with What I Wish I Could Say
TW: Grafic Topics
Growing up is so weird because what do you mean my mother is a bio essentialist.
Granted I should’ve seen that coming with the Wicca stuff and the “divine feminine” and the needing to know all my friend’s bio genders and blatant misogyny to other women but like, I’m trans. She named me Sean because it’s my dead uncle’s middle name. She helped me learn how to dress masculinely. Why is it now I’m getting told to “ditch the facial hair” and that I “shouldn’t start testosterone now” and I “should tone down the eyeliner”.
Mamá you filled my head with stories of you being goth in the 90s and showed me the metal cds you got then. Why can’t I do that? Why do you have to look and me and see nothing but a mess of emotions? Will it still be that way when my voice drops? When my facial hair grows in? When my name is changed? How “inate” are these traits you’ve put on me? And why do you keep them there? You don’t even know who I am and you act like you know everything. You don’t.
Growing up is weird bc what do you mean my mom is a narcissist?
Everyone said my dad was one, and they were right, because I ended up being one too. The all-importance, the thinking you can do no wrong, that masculine snark that everyone takes as confidence, I thought it was his, and it is his, it’s mine. It’s the one connection I still have with my dad, my window of understanding of who he is and was, and why he made those decisions at my age. Why I’m never going to be like him
But Mamá what you have is worse. Your narcissism says you can never be wrong. That I in my 19 years of life can never know as much as you do. But if I told you of the clubs and the drugs and the queers I love and the friendships that I hold dearest to my heart you’d never trust me ever again. The shame you carry with you is harder than any shoe thrown in a frightening joke. Mamá I know you lie about my dead uncle. And I know it’s not on purpose, he was absolutely like me. He partied so hard and loved so feverishly that you didn’t know the full extent until he died. He had to die for you to know him. I know he hid from you the way I hide from you, out of self preservation because your way is the all knowing, the divine, and god forbid you learn the nuance of life
Growing up is weird because what do you mean my mom is bisexual
She told me about it when I was 12 and came out to her. She was the first person to explain trans people to me. Maybe that’s why she hates me being trans, I don’t do it in her definition. I was too young, I was too feminine, and even now the heels and the skirts and the wigs and the endless eyeshadow pallets are a testament to how I’m not the “right kind” of trans. Does she know it’s not because I’m secretly going to “switch back” to being a girl. Does she know that I do drag. Does she know about my three drag dads. Does she know about the trans women I cry to when she says I don’t have my life together. Does she know why.
Mamá I will never tell you why. I will never tell you about being groomed and trafficked and drugged with a fake prescription and doing all the house work for a woman I was terrified of. You met that woman. I said she was my roommate. But even if you knew the truth you wouldn’t have helped me. You would’ve shamed me. That’s all you ever do, that’s all you’re ever filled with, and no matter what happens to me it’s all you have to offer now. The shame for my clothes for my hair for my body if you ever saw it for the parts of me you can’t see and never ever will
Growing up is strange
Because what do you mean my mom is abusive too
She was never supposed to be that
Mamá do you know that I want to die?
Nighthaunt - Official Lyrics
by Levi Robinheart
[V1]: The trees make me whisper A spir’t of remorse The branches are careless and course The kings have all heralded A maim for my form The Cherrys’ll wait for the storm The people are pushin And cursin each other The love and indifference For dearest old mother The Sun puts me down With a wave of its breath I wish he would put me to death The vengeance of flowers The clock of the world The jigsawmill powers The tails getting curled It makes me feel passion But heavy with gears I wish I could say you’re my dear
[V2]: No rocks that will travel With wind made to mourn A voice becomes dead when they’re born A mutagen prosp’rous The hands-on relief A cure that they’ll curse in their sleep The sound of dear gunfire A panic is torn A feud between brainwire A side in his thorn The big fest is happenin But no one’s arrived The kid’s servin coffee inside A stairwell is breakin It creaks on the floor A hellwind is howlin Her thoughts get ignored The pangolin’s frownin A god’s smokin beer I wish that your harvest was near
[V3]: The forest got older The hills can’t explain There’s emptiness that falls with the rain The habits are circlin The train’s gone away There’s no one to see you today The mermaids are restless The fog’s swimmin north The spills come relentless A voice it comes forth And if your old waters Put off the same heat Condemn me for love in your seat You carried this travesty Guitars in your face I howl at your majesty A centaur’s in space And if you were cold By the warrior’s stand I wish you would play with my hands
[V4]: The Sun’s killing berries And shoes left to waste The setting’s lost all of its taste And if there is magma Awake in its hate Until it comes frozen, I’ll wait Cause now in this summit The tarot cards fold The businessmen plummet A moth turns to mold The bell’s on probation The dragon is stayed I’ll hate me for all that I’ve made I found your addiction It’s made with amends I’ll hold their afflictions If gravity bends I wish I could meet you And sell our mistakes I wish for this nighthaunt to break
I wish I could see you And kiss your green face but I’ll wait for the nighthaunt to break
What if @milkyandtwiz Bear Bratsky sung lady gaga
Hi, I wrote headcanons for restart... Plz go read it if you care about me...
https://archiveofourown.org/works/63209665/chapters/161896258
Bye
Hi. I drew Joey... Again, ft @milkyandtwiz design. Joey Petronus edition 👅
Enjoy... My art... Like I said, you'll never escape my restart obsession.
When ever I post a restart drawing I'm going to include a meme from now on.
Guys... I... Drew Bear... Ft. @milkyandtwiz Bear design. They might be judging eachother, but that's just cause my Bear judges everyone he meets. You'll never escape the restart art from me 👅
Btw it's like 4 am and I'm just a wee bit eepy. So, ignore the fucking strand of hair (idk how that even got there???) and how messy the drawings are 🙏 also ignore the words "-lowkey watermelon" in the corner, I drew twiz design Joey 😔💔
Bye
Happy belated Valentinez day from... Aaron and Bear 👅
They're giving each other gifts 👅👅
One thing I hate about restart is sometimes Shoshanna and the fact that Chase said to Helene that "Barbie can be a movie star." Like she ISNT ALREADY a movie star. Like bro has never watched Barbie: a fairy secret. She is literally an astronaut, a doctor, a vet, and a whole bunch of other things. Why WOULDNT she be a movie star?
And I know you're probably thinking "It's chase Ambrose, he's not gonna know this stuff, and even if he did once, he probably forgot." But I don't care!!!! SHE IS A MOVIE STAR DAMMIT!!!!
Stuff that reminds me of Aaron and Bear cuz I gotta push the Aaron X Bear agenda 👅
Thanks for reading gng, have a GREAT day. If you don't cuz if this post, haha loser
Hi, some paper doodles of Aaron and maybe other people, like his sister's and Bear. And I designed a phone for him, so.
And an unfinished drawing of him, his sister's, and brother in 2012, visiting Manitoba ☝️
It may or may not be taped to the inside of Aaron's locker. 🤫🧏
Enjoy my cute au for restart 👅 and, on a side note, Aaron is holding a fidget spinner BECAUSE THE BOOK TAKES PLACE IN 2017 😾😾😾 ITS NOT JUST CA7SE HES A LOSER!!!!!
Hi, so, I like restart again... So... Expect headcanons for that coming soon 💪👽
Hey gang, I drew fen and Lea, cause I love them a lot 🙏👅
I can't draw bows... Or arrows... Or hands, but I wanted to draw them cause they mean alot to me and so does their friendship :D
Face reveal... Kinda. I just liked my makeup. Maybe I'll do this again one day if I feel confident enough
Ignore my outfit, i haven't changed yet, anyways, I'm gonna go hang out with my friends today, so excited :D also, my lashes are massive, they keep getting pushed down by my hair, sos
what the fuck is a skibidi?!?!?!
do y'all fw the new Lea and Fen designs or no!??!?!
hey chat, i like the sea beast again, so, expect that content from me again
back to my normal programming...
Dude...
bear is plotting SOMETHING.
someone tell Bro to get his devious ass OUTTA HERE!!! The person beside him who is listening to Greek songs with him is Aaron. They listen to each other's playlists. Today, it was Bear's turn to pick one of his playlists.
Hello... I made a thingy!!
this took so god damn long it's embarrassing, like bro...
it's a photo of the club leaders!! I couldn't find the pose I wanted to use for Kaga... you NEED to ignore that. I also gave the council members different heights because I wanted Shiromi to clearly be the shortest in the photo. Tsuruzo looks VERY out of character, shut up about that I couldn't find a pose that worked for him...
And I just wanted to point them out cause they mean so much to me... like I love them so much
Also the council!! they mean so much to me it's not even funny. If you couldn't tell, I gave them longer skirts as well xD
(all of this was made with Pose Mode from the easter eggs menu :3)
Hi
uhhh paranoia inducing vent
THERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKINTHERES WORMS UNDER MY SKIN MAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOPMAKE THEM STOP MAKE THEM STOP
Me looking at who I turned into cause a few people wronged me: 🧍🏽♀️
restart art because it's back and stronger then ever
okay i KNOW the book said NOTHING about Aaron or Bear having siblings, but I wanted to give them family, and lore, so yeah, Bear family members coming soon
From left to right: Jade, Amka, Ahnah, and Alroy. Amka and Jade are Aaron's twin sisters, Ahnah and Alroy are Aaron's OLDER siblings.
They're all Native-Colombian, their mother is Native-Canadian (Inuk, or better known as Inuit) and their father is Native Colombian (His mother was Navajo-Ojibwe and his father was Colombian.) Yes, it's a weird mix, but shh.... Anyways Ages! Jade and Amka are the same age as Aaron. (14) Ahnah is 21. Alroy is 18. Heights! Alroy is 6'6. Aaron is 6'4. Amka is 5'11. Jade is 5'8. Ahnah is 6'0. (with heels on. she always wears heels outside of work.) Yes they're all tall.
Things they do with their lives (crazy way to say it) Jade is part of the school marching band. I haven't decided what instrument she'll play yet. Amka does ballet after school. She's also on the girl's badminton team. Aaron is well.. on the football team. Ahnah owns a bakery. She might not look like it, but she does. She looks like a lawyer doesn't she?? tricked you xD Alroy works on a farm.He works for the Bratsky family to be exact. Yes, they have a farm. Shut the fuck up, don't tell me "THEY WOULDN;T HAVE A FARM!??!" I don't care xD anyways. here's Aaron, cause I also drew him.
And on a side note, they all do have Inuit names, I just felt like they weren't that important cause they don't really use them too much. Only their English names. And on another note, I forgot to draw Aarons necklace. It's supposed to be a 'B'. If I hear you yapping about how my AU makes no sense, I will deck you 🙏
Working on anything lately?
No, not really. I've been really burnt out for some reason. Hoping to draw and write more in the next week lol
Yandere simulator adventures
(Feat, Aoi Ryugoku. And Hana Daidaiyama and Kuroko Kamenaga. once.)
ruh roh! seems she's been splashed with blood D:
Better go wash it off...
Squeaky clean!!!
uh oh... someone took her phone :( ....
She won't move... She's stuck...
Uh.... We've got a problem here
I've tried giggling, and talking to her, the only thing left... is death.
Say bye bye
She gone xD
edit:
Fucking hell, AOI WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?!?!
Oh for fucks sake, why do people keep dying
this is the most drawing i've done in years, please someone see this
Hi, so, I drew all the oc's I could remember I made, so, here they are!!!! Starting with my first OC ever, Luella Callie Roza! Born into old money, she began her clothing company at 16 and grew to stardom by 24. (27 currently.)
And now my most used OCS. Arianna Wallen Litvin! You know her. If you don't, She's my oc for the sea beast. Heir to the throne of Whiterock, goddess of the ocean, and a retired hunter. (27 as of this photo.) ((You get a cookie if you can guess whose dress she's wearing, hehe. Only hint you get is it's from a musical :3))
Francesca Aikawa (Japanese name is Amatsuki Aikawa) Is the daughter of Arianna. She is my Yandere simulator OC and I use her quite a lot in scenarios. Working as the historian of the student council, she's charged with the task of keeping track of the past activities that the school partook in and keeping them organized. Among other things. She is 18 as of this photo. (She's the only one I drew with two eyes cause she was the first one I drew and I kept getting more and more tired.)
Lola Katelynn Wallen. She's my cuphead OC. I really don't have much to tell you about her. She works as a bartender and entertainer in the Devils Casino, sometimes working at the tables. She has a friend, her name is Alyssa, she's not my OC though. She's also King Dice's sister. She is 22 as of this photo. (Not really, they just see each other as siblings.)
Now, for the long-forgotten OCs... and the ones I TRIED to forget.
Tamara Blats (Nickname: Tammie) is my... we don't need to talk about that. Anyways, she lives in the snowy regions of her universe, taking care of her late husband's house and pets. She has an obsession with wolves and big dogs in general, so she wears a wolf cape hood type thing. She lost an eye in battle. She doesn't always look this mean. I promise. She is 21 as of this photo.
yikes, now it's the FNaF OC.... erm anyways Zhylas Yvonne Adelinde, a close friend of the Afton family, occasionally watched them while their parents worked, and worked as a day guard at the dinner. Can't say much cause I really don't remember much about her. 23 in this photo.
And now... the one I was dreading telling you about, but I already drew her so...
Zayla Raimunde, or Zayla Reed if you don't have time to learn how to say her last name, is... my... piggy oc... Yes, the roblox game. I had a weird obsession with it. Anyways, lived in wherever Germany was in the piggy universe before the time of the infection, and moved to wherever the hell the camp took place. Idk, I'm tired and give up trying to remember her lore. Didn't remember how she looked so I made her an emo teenager. 19 in this photo.
Anyways, never drawing that much again, bye
More Izabel content, she's in my head and is chewing on the wires of my thought process help
How do y'all draw Wally. help.
oc belongs to > @fanoffandoms23 !!
Hi gangers. :3
So, I wanted to draw Izabel, cause the voices got to me, and well
i dunno man i rlly don't like it. Maybe cuz i jst dont like my art sometimes? anyways oc by @fanoffandoms23 :3 I enjoy Izabel very much I lowkey fucked up her hair! ignore that 🙏😔
"If I could spare his life. If I could trade his life for mine, he’d be standing here right now, and you would smile, and that would be enough."
-Hamilton, It’s Quiet Uptown.
"And I remember being younger and my mother told me the truth "Find someone who grows flowers in the darkest parts of you. Take heed when things get hard and don't you ever turn around. You'll find someone, someday, somewhere that grows you to the clouds."
I possible just wanted to dump my photos from the sea beast BUT like I LOVE this movie SOOO MUCH, I'm back on my shit!!!!
Whats up my very loyal followers. (you probably don't give a shit about me)
Arianna lore!!!!!
Dont look too much into the name Nicholas Verway, it's like totally not old Nick....