Where Every Scroll is a New Adventure
Ranpo, first time meeting Dazai about Chuuya: My special abillity says there's a man in your life you're having problems with.
Dazai, angrily: That's an easy guess.
Dazai: I'm clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.
Ranpo: Yes, you clearly are.
Dazai: And then Chuuya walked by ignoring me like I wasn't there.
Odasaku: Does he even know you like him?
Dazai: Idk, I've been ignoring him, been mean to him. What else can I do?
Odasaku:
Ango:
Odasaku: Sounds you've tried everything.
Dazai: Last night I had a dream that you and I bought matching side by side mansions.
Dazai: But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard.
Chuuya:
Dazai: What do you think it means?
Chuuya:😶
Dazai: Valentine's day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant other and-
Chuuya: I wrote you a poem.
Dazai, already crying: You did???
Chuuya: Here's the thing. So I've known for a while now that Dazai has a little crush on me...
Kouyou: A little crush?
Chuuya:
Kouyou: Well, I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.
Chuuya: Yeah, I don't rlly know who they are...and I don't care, so listen...
Chuuya: The point is Dazai isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.
Kouyou: Darling, Dazai isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with...
Dazai: Now I'll arrange our security.
Atsushi: Why?
Dazai: The mission is dangerous and we're hot. The enemy will want us for our info and our boddies.
Atsushi: Our info maybe...
Dazai: Speak for yourself kitten...
Dazai: Now I'm calling the only man who can fuck me.
Atsushi: What???😨
Dazai, calling Chuuya: I mean, who can protect me...us...
Atsushi: Ugh. 🤦♂️
Chuuya, picking up: What now?
Dazai: Well hello my big dick chibi.
Chuuya: What
Atsushi: the
Chuuya: fuck
Atsushi: Dazai!
Dazai: Language everyone!
Chuuya: The mission might be over, but as long as you're around, we'll always get into trouble.
Dazai, happily: Thanks Chuu!!!
Chuuya: Not a compliment.
Dazai: 😔
Dazai: My feelings for Chuuya are strictly platonic.
Ango: I see...What color are his eyes?
Dazai: Ocean blue, not in a weird way but in a way your ship can get lost in their waves and you’d never want to escape because it feels like an adventure and discovering new things in life...
Odasaku: Right...
Ango: What color are my eyes?
Dazai: Idk brown? Shut up Ango I'm talking about Chuuya.
Chuuya, during a mission: How are we gonna get out of this?
Dazai: Don't worry, I have a plan!
Chuuya: *sighs* Ah, the four words society fears most.
Dazai, being captured by the enemy who is dragging him away : Let me go and I'll pay you whatever you want.
Dazai: Fuck I forgot my wallet!
Dazai: *turns back to look at Chuuya*
Dazai: Chuuya, pay him whatever he wants !!!
Dazai, extremely drunk: Who is.....who is that ginger beauty who wears a hat with those perfect blue eyes?
Yosano: That's your boyfri-
Dazai: I'll fuck him tonight, don't tell Chuuya.
Yosano: Ok bro, I won't tell him.
*20 minutes later*
Chuuya, also very very drunk: Sorry man, you're rlly hot but I have a boyfriend...
Dazai: I see, let's call him to join us then! 😉
Chuuya: *calls Dazai and Dazai's phone rings*
Dazai, picking up the phone: Hellooo...
Chuuya, looking at Dazai: 😶
Dazai, looking at Chuuya: 😶
Yosano: 🤦♀️
Chuuya: *beating the shit out of the enemy using his gravity powers*
Dazai, under his breath: He’s so strong and so dumb and one day he's gonna top me!
Dazai: I’m an excellent driver.
Chuuya: You almost ran over a woman by accident.
Dazai, remembering how that woman smiled at Chuuya flirtatious: Ah yes… by accident… yes.
Dazai: If you tell anyone that we kissed I promise I will make your 2024 a living nightmare.
Chuuya: How is that any different from now?
*in a port mafia meeting*
Chuuya, looking down at 69 new guns Dazai bought: How did you pay for all of these again?
Dazai: I used your credit card, I memorized the number.
Dazai: It's 9481 6400 2--
Chuuya: *punches Dazai in the face so he stops talking*
Dazai: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Chuuya: Wow. They sound stupid.
Dazai: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
Chuuya: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… "Hey! I love you!"
Dazai: I guess you’re right. Hey Chuuya, I love you.
Chuuya: See! Just say that!
Dazia: Holy fucking shit.
Chuuya: If that flies over their head then, sorry mackerel, but they're too dumb for you.
Dazai:
*married skk au where Chuuya is an ada member and he and Dazai brought their child to work*
Dazai: Chibi, we know where the serial killer is. Me and Kunikida will go arrest him. I need you to take the baby.
Chuuya: No, you need to take the baby. I have to go right now.
Dazai: So what do we do???
Chuuya: I guess we can call that creepy babysitter we interviewed this morning.
Dazai: Turned out that babysitter is the serial killer we are looking for.
Chuuya, yelling: Even better! Two birds, one stone. We bring him to you!
Dazai, yelling: We're not giving our baby to a serial killer!
Chuuya: When I was 16 and incapable of expressing any feelings, I got a crush on someone and because I didn't know what else to do, I wrote them a letter on Christmas that said; "I hate your guts. Wish you are miserable for the rest of your life."
Dazai:
Dazai: ... wait whAT? IT WAS YOU?!
Chuuya: What do you want for christmas?
Dazai: You in a maid outfit.
Chuuya: 🖕
*how Dazai overcame his fear of dogs*
ada Dazai: They say that the phobias are overcomed by taking incremental steps to confronting the phobia in question.
ada Dazai: In my case, that started with watching a tv show that was adored by all children but for me was a staff of nightmares.
*flashback*
15!Dazai: *watches Scooby Doo*
*end of flashback*
ada Dazai: The next step was to come face to face with real dogs.
*flashback*
15!Dazai outside a pet shop, looking at 5 adorable puppies: Ok that's enough. *runs away scared*
*end of flashback*
ada Dazai: AND finally, a close encounter of the third kind; physicall contact with the canine spices.
ada Dazai: *points at Chuuya*
Dazai: I don't get paid enough to deal with Mori. He describes me as "also gay for girls."
Chuuya: Yuck.
Chuuya, drunk: I mean Dazai is just an egotistical bitch who only cares about himself.
Kajii: Literally I just said I dont care.
Chuuya: And then he'll call me and try to see how my day was and he'll pretend to care about me and comment on my photos and laugh at my jokes and~
Hirotsu: Oh well, that's definitely your clue right there that it's all bullshit.
Chuuya: Ikr,
Chuuya: he's just a fake privilege asshole.
*married soukoku au*
Chuuya: I dont understand. I thought we were on the same page about kids. We talked about this.
Dazai: We did?
*flashback*
Chuuya: Aw, look at these pictures of Q and Elise.
Chuuya: *shows photos of the kids in a water park*
Dazai: Mm.
Chuuya: We should do this someday. What do you think?
Dazai: Are you kidding me? Of course!
*end of flashback*
Dazai: I was talking about going to the water park! You were talking about having kids???
Chuuya: Yeah! I said, "Do you think we can afford it?" and you said, "We'll start saving right away."
Dazai: So you mean, all that water park money I've been saving, you want to spend it on kids now?
*Dazai and Chuuya get captured and are tied together*
Dazai: Chill out slug. It's not like you've never been tied up before.
Chuuya, talking really fast: Sure. But there weren't involved a psycho and a piece of shit.
Dazai: Am I... Okay, Am I the the psycho or the piece of shit?
Chuuya: Both.
Kunikida: Dazai, just ask him out!
Dazai: Absolutely not, there’s no way he’s interested.
Atsushi: *confused* Wait, hold on- Mr. Dazai AND MR. CHUUYA HAVENT BEEN DATING THIS WHOLE TIME???
Dazai: You're wearing make-up???
Chuuya: Oh, it's just eyeliner. Do you like it?
Dazai:
Dazai: No it looks stupid...
*some moments later*
Dazai, sobbing into Odasaku's shoulder: It looked so good!!!
Odasaku: I know.
Dazai: I'm so gay...
Odasaku: *sighs* I know...
Dazai: Kissing can burn 26 calories per minute, wanna work out with me?
Chuuya, offended: Are you calling me fat???