Where Every Scroll is a New Adventure
Personal Vent - Blog Posts
my issue with my anxiety is that the way i typically deal with it at home, i cannot do the same thing at work / in public.
its the reason why i want to start anxiety meds but my mom said that i should try looking at other coping mechanisms first before jumping into something that changes my brain chemistry (shes a nurse and shes for finding other ways to deal with issues before taking something that changes your brain chemistry. which i understand and agree with!!)
im just tired of the anxiety tbh i just wanna live a normal life without the constantly shaking, not being able to breathe properly, fear, etc.
since my pinterest keeps calling me out, you guys get it too!
literally am
we overcompensate bitches
like fr
and mine is everything in different canon universes *cough* Dazai *cough*
no comment
like ew
uhhh....creativity?
me and my dazai playlists:
every single time
gifted child syndrome anyone?
this is me 25/8 btw
haha
i don't even play the game-
UwO
me with my parents core:
and now my view of sex and romance in relationships is severly altered because of it but eHe ;3
Vent..
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To be honest, I wasnāt completely aware that this was going to happen, about venting. Recently having dinner with my dad and my sibling, we ended up on the topic of LGBTQ. Dad is okay with being gay or Bi, he counts as lesbian being under gay. Everything else though he doesnāt fully like, or doesnāt believe. It fucking hurt hearing that type of words from someone I used to, and still sorta, look up to. Me and my sibling both are not straight, Iām Omnisexual (If you have a problem with that then leave, if you donāt know what that is, ask) and my sibling is Pansexual. Not to mention, my sibling came out as Enby to me. So it fucking hurt a shit ton hearing this type of stuff from him.
Sorry I didnāt mean to info dump on you all, I really needed to just say something, as I am going into a break down. Thanks for reading this way too random vent post.
I'm going through and absurdly difficult time right now, I'll be ok. Everyone will be, and whatever happens is for the best. I don't need to handle it gracefully it jsut will happen. It's ok if I don't do my 10 step skincare or haircare routines, it's ok to do the bare minimum. Try to brush ur teeth once in the day it doesn't havw to be at night or the morning. It's ok that work is eating you alive and you wish you could enjoy it, focus on one task and try to get through it. Take breaks every hour, or every 30 minutes. It won't all fall apart. No one hates you or thinks you're incompetent, and even if they do it's not the end of the world. People know you and know what you can do. You don't owe anyone an explanation just do your best, even if it's ugly or bad. These opportunities are amazing even when done poorly, good things are not wasted just because they're happening now. Just get through it. As you've always done, and will continue to do.
I canāt help but get really insecure at times about my art. I see all of this beautiful artwork on tumblr or in comics, things that I strive to be like, and what I want to do for the rest of my life. But then I keep looking at my artā¦ seeing how itās nothing like how I want it to be, even when I take classes and lessons, nothing changesā¦ and I canāt help but wonderā¦ if Iām not good enough for myselfā¦ will I ever be good enough for the real world?
Iām going to be 19 tomorrowā¦ damnā¦ where did all the years go? It still feels like I should still be in high school, or middle school (thank god that Iām not, but you get the pointā¦ I donāt think Iām cut out for the real worldā¦ for the adult worldā¦
Iām going through one of those depressive times and I was wondering if I posted any comics about my ocs and made a fancomic of diabolik lovers on here and on another website say like; Tapasā¦ if anyone hypotheticallyā¦ would anyone really care?
Would anyone really show up? If I made the best thing ever that is absolutely perfect in my eyesā¦ would anyone really care even a single part of it? I donāt really knowā¦ I thought I would be happy just sharing my stories with othersā¦ but itās the fact that no one really seems interested in things I think are cool, or things Iāve spent lots of time and effort on, I mean Iāve been on this site for what? Two years? Three? At this point and the ask box is still empty, and no one has really commented or said anything else other than oh yeah thatās cool! Is it something that Iām doing wrong? Are there social ques that Iām still not picking up on? Yet I still feel bad about venting about complaining about anything because Iām worried about coming across as an ungrateful entitled bratā¦ sorryā¦ I tend to ramble and I tend to overthink things, along with the fact that I donāt really know if I am supposed to be doing something.
Bloody Tears
It was a bit tricky, but I challenged myself to make a line less art drawing only using one color pallet. I guess this kind of reflects how Iāve been feeling as of late with my 18th birthday coming up this weekend, and Iām not ready to be an adult yetā¦ Iām not ready for my childhood to be overā¦
Iām getting sick and tired of being sick and tired
Iām not what she wants or what she seesā¦ why does she keep trying to put me into her ideal box?
Just do your best thatās all anyone can ask forā¦
But Sometimes it doesnāt feel that wayā¦
Just do your best thatās all anyone can ask forā¦
But Sometimes it doesnāt feel that wayā¦
Today was the first two days of my collage classes, and one is okay, but the other one is a lot like my mentally unstable history teacher from 8th grade. I wonāt go into too much detail but it was literal hell for me. And when I went up to him to tell him about my disabilities, he said, āYou donāt look autistic, fill out this disability form and then Iāll help you, until then youāre on your own.ā
Iām feeling my anxiety spiking and I just hope that we got off on the wrong foot, and the rest of the year will be okayā¦ š°
You know whatās really annoying about having mental issues and learning disorders? My ADD makes me forget to write words for sentences. So when Iām writing things like āShe walked the house, taking placed steps as a the floor creaked beneath her.ā When really Iām trying to say, āShe walked into the house, taking careful placed steps as the floor creaked beneath her.ā Itās so freaking annoying for a writer like me. I have to re read my work so many times just because I donāt know if I made a mistake but even then I still read over my mistakes and they donāt register in my brain fast enough for me
Tooā¦ loudā¦
Vent: Everything is way too loud! My autism makes me sensitive to noise, I get overstimulated easily and my head feels like itās being slowly crushed. Iām so sick and tired of my daily headaches from my classmates! Earlier today I had to have lunch in my classroom because when I stepped into the cafeteria, my already aching headache became so bad, I became lightheaded and dizzy, and I started cryingā¦ I just wanted to scream and disappear. I hate many things about myself this is just one of my biggest problems that people love to make fun of me forā¦ one of my classmates even saidā¦ āwhy canāt you just be normal?ā
Fuck. Definitely feeling depressed right now. First of all fuck MAGA, and second of all can I just get some sleep please. I've definitely been feeling some sort of imposter syndrome, if that is the correct word, when it comes to my friendships.
Like, yeah I have friends.
Yes, I DO love my friends.
But do my friends love me? Not sure about that.
I SHOULD feel like they do, we talk all the time and share a lot of shit about our lives to each other, but it just doesn't feel real. I feel like I just implanted myself into someone elses friend group, like a thirsty tick. I don't understand why anyone would want to be my friend so I don't understand why I have any in the first place.
I feel like sobbing and I wish it would just stop. I wish I had somebody to hold me and tell me that they loved me and everything was okay, to kiss my head and hold my hand, but I'm so scared. From such a young age I've been told by my peers that I was unloveable, and I would often get used by others to put down and make fun of, I was often a door mat.
I almost hate myself for not having the trauma many of my friends. To not be a victim, or abused, or live in a tough household. I like to act like all my problems are the end of the world, when in reality I've had two friends enter mental wards since Christmas time. Some sick part of me wishes someone would hurt me, so my pain would be for a reason.
I guess I'll try to get some sleep now, maybe listen to some MCR, I love you all.
You still sit in front of me in English class, and it kills me a little bit more every time I have to watch you read out loud. Passage by passage, word by word sentence by sentence.
I feel used.
I feel ashamed.
You meant so much to me yet you threw me away like I was disposable. Like I was garbage. Maybe that is all I am to you. Was it for the money? Was it because I let you use my cell phone? Was it because I made you look less pathetic in comparison? Ten fucking years and 5 calls to CPS yet once the summer ended it was like I didn't exist anymore. So yeah, sit with your annoying friends and complain about how shitty your life is. I for one, know about the lies, the exaggerations, the manipulations. Just last year you had practically convinced me that every little inconvenience was my fault.
Enjoy your friends, enjoy being popular, enjoy not having me around, the only person who didn't just have you around because of pity. I wish I could tell you right now just how I feel. I try not to cry about it but the tears run down my cheeks regardless. You were my best friend, my sister, my everything, but I was nothing. You used me up until I was nothing left, treated me like my depression and anxiety were nothing to you and wouldn't even apologize. Everytime I just wanted a second to myself you'd cry and make me feel bad like the child you are. I hope you feel this right now, the pain I feel every day because of you. Part of me still misses you, I'll see something funny on the Internet and wonder what you'd think. I'll draw a picture or write a song and wonder if you'd be proud of me.
Go fuck yourself.
vent TW!!!ā ļøā ļøā ļø
Since Frank said in an interview that MCR 5 is probably not happening, I feel like I have nothing left to live for. Idk my life has been really shitty recently and I don't know what to do. Anybody else feel similarly? MCR is the only thing keeping me alive.
long kinda vent ahead hooray. it's kinda system-flavored this time. tastes like lemon. š
sometimes it's really hard being a system, especially one that is so, like, hyper-aware of everything i have. every disorder, every disability. thing is, i can't do anything to fix myself!!
i've literally told my own mother about separate identity states and the memory loss and whatnot. she said to my therapist that i "was right about the dissociative thing," even if we were only diagnosed so far with unspecified dissociative disorder. the dmdd diagnosis typically leads to an adulthood diagnosis of bipolar, which i'm actually scared about. i fit much more into borderline, just like my mom.
ugh, i don't know. i don't even know what i'll be diagnosed with, come adulthood. i mean system-wise. we're a trauma-endo system (which some fuckheads will already think is enough to not warrant a diagnosis, thanks for that) that doesn't switch from the main host a lot. we have good communication when i can switch out from the front, but we don't have complete memory loss. if anything, it's more like emotional amnesia and the memories are kinda gone too, but they can come back at a later date.
for example, our medic fictive had to call the cops (they didn't even do anything either, but it was our mom's last resort) one night at 2 am last year. i don't remember it well, but i remember it happened. he was terrified that night and he couldn't switch out.
but what the fuck could we even be diagnosed with? i want a diagnosis. i want to figure out exactly what is going on with my brain. most of my parts aren't exactly same-y. they're different people, at least most of them are. sure, we have to mask a little bit, but they think and act a little different than me. we have the memory loss, but i've always had a horrid memory, even before our late syscovery in january of 2021. but i sometimes feel like it's not "bad enough" to warrant a full-on did diagnosis.
it just confuses me. a lot of the times before, my mom would see me looking up disorders and go "oh, shi's just looking hirself up again." but i'm just that aware of what's wrong with me. people either see me and disregard my research, or i just don't know how to help myself. those are the 2 results. yes, i have a therapist. yes, i open up to her and she makes me feel safe, much more than any other therapist i've had in the past.
i just don't know how to help myself. to help us. i want to live in functional multiplicity, mostly because i get so tired and i get so lonely. i don't want these people to be gone at all. if anything, they give me someone to talk to, even if our headspace isn't permanent and we don't remember our own conversations, even if we jot them down. my memory absolutely sucks. i can't remember faces, names, or even voices sometimes. i can't remember people.
basically, i love and yet hate being disabled by anything my mind and body throws at me. i like the community, i like learning about myself. i hate the symptoms, i hate the confusion and the doctors not being able to do their fucking job. ahem, looking at you doctors who only tested me for SLEEP APNEA, which i definitely do not have. now they want to test me for narcolepsy... which i probably don't have, either.
sometimes i wish what it was like to be of sound mind and body, even if it was for just one singular day.
