Julian: So You Killed Two People?

The many stages of depression: (TW)

Depression is one of those feelings that a lot of people have experienced at least sometimes in their lives. It is quite correct to state that everyone at one point in their life have been through it or will go through it. Some get depressed more than others; it could be due to environment, abuse, loss, bullying, mental disorders, stress, poor health, etc.

It is something widely experienced but not widely explained. The mystery of why depression happens to certain people can boil down to their psychological state but should not be considered the single parameter for its existence. Depression like cancer can happen to anyone regardless of any amount of money, status, love or psycological wellness they have. And like Cancer you can't just tell someone with depression to just ignore it or say they are overreacting.

As someone who goes through bouts of seasonal depression and lives in a place where depression is not even considered "real". I have broken down depression according to personal experience into 5 stages.

I am not a medical professional ( I do want to become a psychologist) or someone who can give advice on this topic. But as a patient of depression for around 2 years I can give a little insight into it. Just because I said there are 5 stages doesn’t mean it has to be these stages only, or in the same order.

Here it goes:

1. Anger: just like the stages of grief I always thought the 1st step towards depression starts with anger. It could be outbursts, sudden rage, irritation, annoyance, physical reactions such as intensive urge to kick or punch something (I always have days when I want to burn buildings down and kill my classmates). These reactions can be due to the sudden change in mentality we get before full blown depression kicks in. When we just hate every thing. Everything is stupid. Everyone is being annoying. One of our 1st reactions to anything upsetting is to be mad about it. Depression is not an exception. Anger is where you start. When you start to blame everything around your for causing the pain you are going through. This stage is very important, it is always good to take out your anger before it becomes too much. During this stage I am at my peak of annoyance and can be diabolical.

2. Paranoia: the stage that continues what anger started. This is when realisation kicks in that something is wrong in your mind. You can become paranoid of everything around you. Why is my friend ignoring me for 5 minutes? Why did my parents became quiet when I walked in? Why does it feel like someone is watching me? Why can’t I trust anyone? This is when you are at your peak in terms of insanity. I have been in this stage for the most part of my depressive episodes. Especially as an intuitive, paranoia can be disturbing and harmful to your mental health. It makes you question silly things that don’t even matter for the sake of increasing your blood pressure and start to isolate you from social life. That’s where stage 3 will come

3. Withdrawal: not the withdrawal due to addiction. This is when you start isolating yourself from others. Paranoia put the seed of doubt in your mind about people and how you don’t want them to be near you. People can be a problem sometimes. And this stage is just what being isolated means. This is also the stage people are the most familiar with, because it is often what depression is portrayed as: isolating yourself from other humans as way to build a wall to protect yourself from what paranoia caused. During this time I stop taking calls from my friends, family, anyone. I stop messaging or replying. I often stopped eating with family or having lunch at school with my friends. As an introvert this stage isn’t even that hard, but there is a difference between the choice of isolating yourself because you don’t like to be around strange people and the want to isolate from people you care about.

4. Sadness: the most well known stage of depression, some people mistake it for the definition of depression, which is so wrong. After isolating yourself, you become vulnerable. This is that stage of vulnerability and mostly when people start to have negative thoughts (suicidal thoughts). Sadness itself can’t be explained that well, other than that it leads negativity, hopelessness and the lack of interest in anything cheerful. When I get into this stage, my depression is the most apparent to other people. This is when my mom steps in and ask if things are wrong. And I say #fine when I am so not. Sadness can manifest in tears, coldness, increased self awareness, intrusive and harmful thoughts etc. This is one of the hardest and longest stages to overcome. Yet not as harmful as the next one…

5. Numbness: let me deep breathe before this……this is the most dangerous stage of depression. Every stage before this one had some sort of emotion in it. Anger, paranoia, withdrawn, sadness. But Numbness is the lack of any emotion that can be experienced, even negative ones. You lose all your hope. All your wishes and goals. Everything becomes a barren wasteland of nothingness. The lack of emotions is the worst thing that can happen to you. Just like how you die when your heart stops beating, having numbness to emotions will as in many cases lead to death. Unfortunately, this is the stage when most suicides take places. The inability to have any interest in life and getting overwhelmed from the fact you stopped living the moment you stopped feeling. Have I been in this stage? Yes. But since I am alive there must be a way out of it.

When I said 5 stages of depression, it was meant for those who sadly ended their lives because of it. Stage 6 is for those who made it out alive.

6. Acceptance: again like the stages of grief Depression ends with acceptance. Accepting your problems (I am the problem it's me!), accepting yourself as a problem, accepting help from people who care for you and accepting the little hope left deep down. If you made it to this stage, you are capable of doing anything you want.

Note: You are worth it! (Can't believe I AM saying this) And if you are going through depression or anything related to that, remember that one of reasons to stay alive is to pull revenge on all the people you hate. Maybe in future you can show your haters that the reason they hate you is beacuse of how strong willed you are. You don't have to prove your talents. You don't have to accomplish things to justify your existence. You are here for nobody but yourself. Be selfish, be a bitch and live out the best life there is.

I will fall in love with someone ONLY if they say

"I look at you and suddenly the sonnets make sense"

(If we were villians)

My favourite Shakespeare quotes:

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be" - Hamlet

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts" - As You Like It

"Good company, good wine, good welcome can make good people" -Henry VIII

"This above all: to thine own self be true" -Hamlet

"There is nothing either good or bad, but things making it so" -Hamlet

"I do love nothing in this world so well as you; is not that strange?" -Much ado about nothing

"O happy dagger, This is thy sheath: there rust, and let me die" -Romeo and Juliet

"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool" -As You Like It

"Give me my robe, put on my crown; I have Immortal longings in me" -Antony and Cleopatra

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves." -Julius Caesar

"Et tu, Brute?" -Julius Caesar

"Lord, what fools these mortals be!" - A Midsummer night's dream

"For she had eyes and chose me" -Othello

"But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve. For daws to peck at: I am not what I am" -Othello

"If she lives till doomsday, she'll burn a week longer than the whole world" -The comedy of errors

"Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble!" -Macbeth

"Look like the innocent flower, But be the serpent under it" -Macbeth

"Life ... is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing" -Macbeth

ENTP: so now the extros are gone, you guys wanna do something?

ISFJ: Sure, what do you want to do?

ENTP: I was asking about what YOU want to do....anyways how about pizza?

ISFP: I like pizza.

ENTP: great, which one?

ISFP: whatever everyone else likes.

ENTP:....ok ISTJ, pizza?

ISTJ: I don't eat fast food.

ENTP: ok, we will get some salad. Um...INTP...where is INTP?

ISTP: they left when you were blinking.

ENTP:....

ISTP: just text me when you get the pizza.

ENTP: INFP, what do you like?

INFP: I was a feeling a little down, if you don't mind, its okay if you do mind, I don't um....I don't like Pizza at all....you guys can eat I will just....sleep or something.

ENTP: You know right we can order something else for you?

INFP: I don't want to seem like an inconvenience

ENTP:.....you are so not... Ok INTJ what about you?

INTJ: .....

ENTP: .....

INTJ: .....

ENTP: ..... is he dead...?

INFJ: just order anything you want, we don't complain even if we have a problem.

ENTP: alright.....you guys are being very easygoing.

"Who's afraid of little old me?" is sooo Dazai coded 💖 🩶 🖤 🤍

I want some chaos, SO hear me out----

I want Akutagawa and Lucy to kiss for some reason (accidentally or intentionally) so that Atsushi will have the "My girl crush and guy crush are kissing each other and it's both terrible and hot at the same time"

Favourite Jane Austen novels (a.k.a all books)

1. Emma

2. Pride and Prejudice

3. Northanger Abbey

4. Persuasion

5. Mansfield Park

6. Sense and Sensibility

7. Lady Susan

You walk alone in your life, no one matters but you. Fuck everyone who has done anything harmful to you, they will only get satisfaction if you choose to make your life miserable because of them. There are 8 billion people on earth, and you are stuck with people you hate, but that doesn't matter because there are so many wonderful people you have never met. Life is a journey, there will be crossroads, and you have to trust your own feet and not follow someone's else's footprint. No matter if anyone else believes in you or not, you don't need their approval or validation to live. You have to let people go who don't give you their time or ears, those people who only talk to you when they need your help. You have to move on from negativity to become an actual individual with their own thoughts. Do not take extreme steps, don't make permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things are as they are and you have no control over them but on how you react to them. We know things can go wrong but that doesn't mean we cannot improve.

Hermione: do you know people are mostly killed during the night by their own spouses ?

Ron: why the fuck would you say that?

Hermione: it's a fun fact....and facts are true.

Ron: .....

Hermione: you actually don't think I would kill you right?

Ron: Mom, come pick me up I am scared.

I like friends to lovers more than enemies to lovers.....

I know it's a hot take but I absolutely love a good romance that starts off with a deep friendship between two people and then becomes more than that.

Enemies to lovers is like fast food, it's not good for you, it's toxic. It's delicious, but it's not the ideal meal you should have.

Friends to lovers is like a home cooked meal, it's wholesome, it's filling, loving and sweet.

And who says there's no tension? There is.

You love your best friend and are having a dinner with them, all you could think is how beautiful they are and how you wish it was a date.....and you stare at their eyes and they stare back at you and you both go on eating as if you didn't feel your ears heating.....cuz my ears are heating just by thinking about the amount of tension familiarity between two people can bring. Enemies to lovers is about attraction that stems from hatred and more often than not leaning more towards physical attraction. Friends to lovers is the culmination of knowing someone so long that you can't live without them.

The only friends to lovers I can't root for is when one has a crush on other and constantly keeps chasing them even after getting rejected and in the end they still somehow get together.

I would rather be in love with a friend that has been beside me when I needed them than an enemy trying to kill me whom I only like cuz they are hot.

(Also enemies to lovers CAN be done right, ex. Pride and Prejudice. But one has to make both the characters realise their enemy is a good person or has traits that they do like)