Me: I Am Not Crazy. I Am Not Crazy

Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:

"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)

Let me set the scene:

In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.

This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.

The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.

Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.

During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.

I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".

I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.

I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.

For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.

Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.

*Kunikida calls Atsushi*

Atsushi: hello? Kunikida-san....what's up?

Kunikida: do you know where Dazai is? He left before doing any paperwork

Atsushi, *staring at Dazai and Kyouka eating shaved ice on the dining table*: no? Do I?

Kunikida *sighs*: are you asking me or answering the question?

Atsushi: I am sure.. he'll show up....one day

Kunikida: eh...fine. If you see him tell him to get his ass back to the office

*phone cuts*

Atsushi: Dazai-san! Look! I had to lie to Kunikida-san because of YOU

Dazai: awww you are such a nice person Atsushi!

Atsushi *rolling his eyes*: how did you even get my keys? The door was locked? Did you give him, Kyouka-chan?

Kyouka: *shakes her head*

Dazai: oh, I have a copy of your keys 😄

Atsushi: what.😨

Dazai: what?

Atsushi: HOW DID YOU GET MY KEYS?

Dazai: I made a copy of them before you got this apartment 😄

Atsushi: 😐😐😐😐

Dazai: ah don't worry, I have the keys of all the people I care about. Here's Chuuya's, I kept them with me all these years....

Atsushi: HOW WILL I NOT WORRY AFTER KNOWING THAT----

Bunny: so what do we have for lunch....

Henry:.....wine

Bunny: I meant something we can eat.

Charles: which drug do you like? I don't have much on me but we can buy some.

Bunny: that's not what a human should have for lunch

Franics: I do the coffee, cigarettes and Maraschino Cherries diet, you wanna try?

Bunny: what the....

Camilla: we could have had some lamb chops but we don't have it anymore.

Bunny: why?

Camilla: we had to sacrifice the lamb during a ritual and bathe in its blood

Bunny: you know what I would rather be dead by eating grilled cheese sandwich and milkshake than hang out with you weirdos anymore

The difference between my feelings towards "If We Were Villains" and "The Secret History" is completely opposite

When I read "If We Were Villains" I cry at how tragic the story is and when I read "The Secret History" I scream:

WHAT THE FUCK RICHARD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY REDISTRIBUTION OF MATTER, HENRY?

WHAT IS CHARLES DOING SLEEPING IN A FUCKING SNAIL?

COCAINE IN PARKING LOT OF BURGER KING? EXCUSE ME WHAT?

The tragedy of TSH is the characters, I find IWWV more compelling in that department since the characters are more likeable. But the story and writing of TSH is so good! Both have their different charms and I appreciate both of them.

Ps: I think Oscar Wilde would have enjoyed both immensely if he could have read them.

*Valentine's day in Ada*

Dazai: Fufu...no one is giving me chocolate here, how rude. Is my popularity dying?

Kunikida: can you focus on your work then?

Atsushi: what's Valentine's day

Yosano: you give chocolates and other gifts to the person you love

*later*

Atsushi, giving Dazai chocolates: here, for you!

Dazai:....w-h-a-t

Atsushi: Yosano-san said I should give chocolates to the person who I love. But there are so many! So Kyouka-chan and I made chocolates for everyone. Here Kunikida-san!

Kyouka: the glasses one is for you

Kunikida:thanks... I'll keep it

Atsushi: we made a whole bag for Ranpo-san

Ranpo, eyes shining: I love valentine's day

Yosano: these are so cute guys!! Aww

Dazai: excuse me, there's something in my eyes

*Dazai rushes out*

Yosano: did he go to cry?

Naomi: Dazai-san is crying???

Junichiro: now we have seen everything

************************************

Dazai: (spontaneously combusts due to rare emotions)

Richard: Francis has such pretty hands, he is like a dainty teenage girl, he is so kissable.

Richard: Henry looks cool af, his eyebrows, his posture, his glasses....ah

Richard: Charles is the best looking one though, he is like an angel on earth, 10/10.

Richard: what are you talking about, I am completely straight......I like Camilla 🙄

As an INTP. It's really hard to exist in a world that feels so integrated for sensors or people with high Fi/Fe. I just feel like an alien among my peers. I don't speak in class. I don't have many friends. I hate my incompetent and overly strict teachers. I don't get social cues and dynamics. I don't get inside jokes. I don't get why I have to know the stuff they teach me. I don't think I should trust my teenage mind to pick a career for the rest of the life. Everything seems bleak and boring.

It sucksss when you are not good at maths and physics and all that nonsense that people care for. It hurts when you don't get to be appreciated for your talents beacuse people don't care about the things you are good at. Especially being an INTP, it's hard to ignore that most of other INTPs are known for being the math and computer nerd (not a huge fan of computer either).

I want to read poetry and dissect 19th cen. novels and their themes. I want to debate on philosophy and politics. I want to write essays and articles on global issues. I want to read books by authors all around the world.

It took me some time to realise (not really, I always knew) that I was made not for the STEM subjects. I was made for the art, the history, the love for literature. As John Keating said in dead poet's society;

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for"

*Highschool AU*

**Dazai**

*swarmed by his fangirls/boys*

Girl: Dazai-senpai, I really like you 💖

Others: meee toooo

Dazai: I think you are very pretty too~

Girl: would you go out with meee?

Dazai: *omg I am so popular, omg I am so loved, omg so cute juniors, omg I can't---*

Dazai: how about we meet up at----

Atsushi, dragging Dazai out of the place: Dazai-san not this again!!! Chuuya-san's been watching you out of that window

Dazai: H-He was?? Atsushi....can you hide me somewhere, I might die---

Girl: omg omg do you think Atsushi's the one senpai's dating?

Girl #2: why is it ALWAYS Atsushi taking the good ones?

Girl: I think it's cuteee

************************************

**Chuuya**

Girl: I l-like you, Chuuya-senpai

Chuuya: *not this again* I am sorry, I am not interested in dating

Girl: a-are you dating someone?

Chuuya: *there's no way I will admit I am dating that bandaged freak* NO

Girl: then do you like someone?

Chuuya: I guess so...

Atsushi: *walking outside the class*

Chuuya: *yes I can excuse myself now* hey Atsushi, wait for me!!!, sorry I gotta go

Girl: WHAT WHAT THE FUCK ATSUSHI AGAIN? IS HE COMPETITING AGAINST ME?

*later*

Girl: did you know Chuuya-senpai is in unrequited love with Atsushi

Girl #2: Atsushi really has it all huh?

************************************

**Akutagawa**

Girl: Akutagawa-senpai, I...I...

Akutagawa, staring into space:....

Girl: I like you...eh..I.

Akutagawa: sorry, I am dating someone

Girl: woah...I didn't know-who is it?

Akutagawa:....my pet

Atsushi, listening to this: hey, I am not a pet!

Dazai: you are like a cat, a pet cat!!! Hehe

*later*

Girl: I got rejected again

Girl #2: did you know I saw Akutagawa-senpai and Atsushi walking holding hands!

Girl: ATSUSHI AGAIN!!!

Girl #2: maybe you should try Gin-chan

************************************

Atsushi: why are you all following me?

Girl: teach us your ways

Girl #2: how do you do it? Catch em'all?

Atsushi: what

(after studying seriously for a month and still being aggressively average as usual I am back to Tumblr)

The fact Chuuya calls Akutagawa "my boy Akutagawa" is not only sweet on his part but also SALTY towards Dazai?

Like Chuuya saw this kid getting treated like that by Dazai and decided "no no no, HE'S MINE"

The background friendship of Akutagawa and Chuuya will always be heartwarming to me. And this is completely in character for Chuuya, he has shown affection to Kenji, Elise and Q (in the manga, anthology, official arts, etc.)

Sure Atsushi can be Dazai's favourite, but Akutagawa is Chuuya's, always.

NOW TELL ME THIS IS NOT AKUTAGAWA SIBLINGS CODED (specifically, Gin)

"We've taken different paths

And travelled different roads

I know we'll always end up on the same one when we're old

And when you're in the trenches

And you're under fire I will cover you"

"If I was dying on my knees

You would be the one to rescue me

And if you were drowned at sea

I'd give you my lungs so you could breathe

I've got you brother"

"We're living different lives

Heaven only knows

If we'll make it back with all our fingers and our toes

Five years, twenty years, come back

It will always be the same"