If Only My Mom Could Understand This....she Needs To Stop Comparing My Worth According To My Marks

I don't want to be a burden to my parents, I really really want to be their pride. The one who fulfills my and their dreams. I want to be a role model for my small brother so that no matter what he has me as the safety net. But here I am, I failed my exam, it's a first and I'm not even studying properly ,the exam is in 2 days and I am just so horrible. I couldn't even keep the promise I made to myself. What if everything turns out so bad that I can't even trust myself?

lately I've been putting off so much work and I am getting so irritated. rn also I am writing this when i should be preparing for my tution test. hoepfully i get good marks.

Manifesting and Working hard towards THIS🤞🤞

Dear self,

Snap the FUCK out of it.STOP. literally searching for a reason to be upset. Remind yourself of your blessings , you have everything you need. Change your perspective

Love,

Me

Ps. I love you

I started a productivity challenge for myself a few days ago....I was barely conpleting it. Only able to tick off 1 item off my to do list. I was still procrastinating watching tv shows, reading fanfictions, daydreaming. I still started this challenge of productivity, I was falsely trying to convince myself that I'll make it, that atleast I started with baby steps such as thinking about this, then posting the first 3 days of it on tumblr. But the real reason that I did this was because I was afraid I was gonna fail my physics exam. This was the fear inside me that I was trying to hide from myself and the people around me. And that is exactly what happened to me, I failed my physics exam and you wanna know the worst part? I kind of don't really care. And my parents didn't care either. Not in the way that you're thinking but last year in 10th grade, I was always being pushed to do best and my mom did so much for me, she used to teach me but since 11th I've heard it from so many people that 11th goes bad for every pcm kid and everyone suffers a downfall from 10th to 11th. But I literally failed. I went from getting atleast 95% to not even passing. That's how low I have fallen and i haven't cried yet. I feel like since I've been exposed to too many people saying that bad grades are literally a cannon event in 11th, I've grown numb to getting low score. Even though I'm realising this and writing it out, I'm still not feeling the sadness and the determination I know I would have felt in 10th and this is so sad. It is so disheartening. And tbh I'm clueless on how to study now. I have 2 days for the retest. A part of me is still sad about the indifference and the lack of emotion I'm showing regarding this.

🫶🏻🫶🏻

Do not be afraid to speak up and take up space, babe. 💞

It's easier for my parents to say, speak up more in class, ask more, stop acting dumb but it's just sad that they never thought why I have turned into a very quiet person when once I was known as a chatterbox..... as a kid during PTM, the teacher used to complain that I talk too much but now my teachers say that I don't talk at all. It's sad that my parents never questioned me on this 180 change in behavior

Not to get too deep on my first post but did anyone else have such deeply rooted issues with their self worth for so long that they thought as a teen that their only redeeming feature was being "low maintenance" and now you give yourself guilt pangs asking for any more than the barest minimum in virtually any relationship because asking for things might negate your good quality which is" doesn't ask for things"

So true

the issue with 2:15 is thats already 4 pm

Be scared and do it anyway. Be unqualified and get in the room anyway. Be messy, imperfect and unsure and still show up anyway. Comfort is the enemy of growth. Get uncomfortable