It's Bc Unlikely 11yo They Have A Personality

feng xin: if i were a greek god, who would i be and why?

mu qing: ares, dumb war god

xie lian: apollo? the divine archer

pei ming: obviously priapus for tHAT HUMONGOUS D—

shoutout to benson and dave for getting the funniest possible backstory they could've had

some things you should know before you make a bargain with the fae

they will never love you back. they will not give you the kind of love you want. they are not humans. they do not understand. you will weep blood and bleed tears and they will bare their pointed teeth and give you a smile. you will kill their enemies and your friends and when you stand in front of them with bloodied hands and hollow eyes they will smile with sharp lips and give you a kiss. you will carve your heart out and throw it at their feet and you will have nothing left to give. and you will never see them again. the love you hold for them is the kind that made you go mad. the love they hold for you is insubstantial, inconsequential.

they will never give you what you want. you come to ask for a cure. to see a wish granted. to prove your worth. they will take everything and leave you with nothing. you will give them all you have; what you wanted to sacrifice and what you never thought you could. because when you’re there, you will realize your wish is more important than anything you thought essential. nothing else matters: not your sweetheart, back at home, their heart is so easy to break; not your family, they never loved you like you deserve; not your life, you will get a new one, a better one, in exchange for this one. it’s all a lie, of course. you’ll know that, after; but only when it’s too late, when you’re abandoned, broken, forsaken, with no one to turn to, because you’ve destroyed everything you had. you won’t get your wish, of course.

they will never keep their word. you want to strike a bargain. the rules are clear; you are sure of it. all those stories do not apply to you, you are clever, you won’t be tricked. of course, the bargain you strike isn’t the one you think. their words are like thorns, like vines, like poison, twisting in your mind until they become unrecognizable. what they say is different from what you hear; but it’s their word that holds weight, not yours. they’re the ones who can’t lie, not you. they can lie, of course. they can lie better than you ever will. it’s in their nature; it flows with their blood; it spills with their tears. lies are woven deep in the roots of the forests they live in, they float in the air, poison the food you’ll eat. everything is a lie in Faerie; that is the only truth. they’ll keep their word, of course. but the word they give you isn’t what you think.

some things you should know while making a bargain with the fae

lace your clothes with iron, smear your hair with ash, sprinkle your lips with salt. the iron, the ash, the salt, they will not protect you; but better for them to think you have come prepared, better for them to think you dangerous. there is so little danger in Faerie for the fae, and they love a conundrum. if they think you’re a challenge, they’ll keep you alive longer, at least until they figure out how to break you.

speak as little as you can, because everything you say will be used against you. don’t smile; they will think it a threat. don’t weep; they are disgusted by weakness. never, never, never bleed; once they have your blood, you are lost, lost forever.

don’t listen to the voices. the voices, yes, the whispers that call out from between the trees, from the night sky, from the deep, deep, black ponds. don’t look up, or down, and don’t look back; keep your eyes fixed straight ahead, because the fae you’re striking a bargain with isn’t safe, but they’re safer than anything else.

your best chance is to listen and then run for your life the second they are distracted; because yes, they will be distracted: there are so many things in Faerie more interesting than a measly human like you. but you won’t run, i know. you are here for a reason, and you won’t leave until you get what you want. 

don’t be tricked by Faerie’s beauty. the world the fae live in is pure wonder, and it will seep into your mind and set roots there, poisoning it until you can’t think of anything else. but it is a beauty like a sharp dagger, like the wind on a cliff—it won’t hesitate to pierce your heart, to push you under.

don’t trust anything they say. they can see your deepest wishes, the ones you’re hiding at the bottom of your heart; but never trust them when they say they will offer you company when you’re lonely, because they will throw you into a nest of snakes. never accept when they offer to cure your sick relative, because for them, mortality is a sickness in itself. never let them heal your wounds, because you won’t survive the treatment. if they offer you anything for free, it’s a trap. if they offer you a bargain, it’s a trap.

some things you should know after you’ve made a bargain with the fae

you’re doomed. now you can dance, and smile, and weep, and enjoy yourself; kiss that pixie with the green hair, swim in the cursed waters of the moonlit lake, offer a flower to the elf who’s looking at you with sad eyes. you can jump down from the highest branches and trust that they will catch you; a swift death is a mercy you won’t be granted. you’re their newest plaything, so enjoy it while it lasts. because after they’re finished with you, you won’t really be able to enjoy anything else ever again.

you can’t escape. run, if you’re brave enough, if you’re smart enough to have come to your senses, even if it’s too late. run, if you want, it won’t change anything, but maybe you’ll anger them enough to quicken your demise. a quick, painless death is still out of your reach, but fine, run, if you wish to cut your stay in Faerie short. they’ll get bored of you more easily; a human who isn’t charmed isn’t as entertaining. so run, brave little human, dash between the trees and pretend you can’t feel them coming for you.

you won’t be the exception. sure, there was a human maiden who tricked the faerie once. she was young and clever and beautiful, and she struck a bargain and got out alive, and with what she wanted. only once, a long time ago. but since then, they have grown even more careful, even smarter, even wilier. and anyway, it isn’t like the girl’s youth and cleverness and beauty, and her trickiness and the wish she got, granted her a happy life afterwards; she had angered Faerie, and they tricked her into coming back, and they never let her go. and trust me, you don’t want that.

The blessed time of Cab Calloway of his orchestra and his extraordinary dancers.

(Put on sound)

the canonical parents in this series are literally the weirdest candidates for the title bc we have:

yaga: notorious hardass principal of a magic school that trains child soldiers and whose kids are all sentient puppets. a pretty decent dad overall tho, 8.5/10.

getou: genocidal cult leader who’s been in a progressively worsening downward spiral since he was 17. a surprisingly decent dad, 6/10 because the bar is so fucking low that encouraging homicide and being practically idolized by your family is nowhere near the sketchiest shit a parent in this series has done and his kids actually like him.

zen’in clan: powerful clan who’s also abusive, misogynistic, and old-fashioned with a side dish of alcoholism and a propensity for trying to kill their kids. 0/10, and the only reason it’s not lower is because the twins’ mom stabbed naoya and secretly liked them i guess.

touji: assassin-for-hire with a gambling habit and very low regard for almost everyone other than himself with, like, one and a half exceptions. 2/10 because he made a bare minimum effort to keep his son alive, but was also neglectful, completely disregarded his daughter’s existence, and almost sold his son to one direction.

kenjaku: ancient body-snatcher who has had multiple infamous incarnations and is implied to have done some incredibly disturbing shit to their partners and kids for the sake of experimentation and their grand plan. -10000/10, i don’t think you can possibly get worse

kamo clan: powerful clan #2 who’s also neglectful, misogynistic, probably abusive, and old-fashioned. hey, by the way, why would you name a kid after one of the worst sorcerers to have ever lived, what’s wrong with you? 0/10 because i don’t think they actively tried to kill their heir.

kamo’s mom: seemed pretty alright and actually cares about her kid. he seems to like her a lot. 8/10.

gojou: world’s most powerful sorcerer and one of Japan’s Top 10 Worst Personalities but actually cares about kids and has a pretty decent track record of keeping them alive, even if most of them don’t like him very much. 8/10.

Dead End Paranormal Park raises the question: "Could someone get away with body snatching people for years to maintain eternal youth with no one piecing together the obvious evidence?" And the answer was "yes but only if it's Dolly Parton" and I honestly agree.

when i first heard about tgcf i thought it would be a cliche romance between like moral xl who sees the good in hc even though hc has done evil things and like it would be like a bad boy/good girl dynamic. but then xl nearly wiped out an entire country out of anger and the worst thing that hc has done has been like. challenging gods to a fair duel x.x

dude….my guy…….DUDE

Mad props to the creators of Dead End: Paranormal Park for hiring Alex Brightman, Beetlejuice's musical actor, to do the exact same role but as a pug

yes yes theyre probably going to have hunter tearfully tell his friends that hes a grimwalker and then have an identity crisis that his friends help him through but you know whats funnier. if he just. never tells them. and then after canon he does a bunch of grimwalker stuff and his friends just have to deal with the fact that hes weird as hell.

like amity sits next to him in class and hes taking notes and then crumpling up the paper and eating it. and when she asks him why the hell hes doing that he tells her he likes the taste of ink. the kids go on a cruise and hunter does a nosedive into the boiling sea and everyone freaks out but he floats back up again and hes fine and willow tries to touch the water and gets a burn. gus is practicing illusions and he wants to make a bigger one so hunters like “oh! hold my hand!” and gus is like “hell yeah moral support” and then he creates the shadow realm and hes like “damn thats some good moral support.” during flyer derby someone shoots a spell at him and he turns into stone to deflect it and turns back to normal and gets all the flags bc the other team is too busy figuring out what the hell was going on. like what would you even do if you saw that.