I Fear I Went Too Deep This Time Chat

was that you? i hope it was.

my debut comes out april 24th. it’s not necessarily about you, but some parts may feel like it. i’m excited. you’d probably enjoy it.

chat i gotta be honest i might kill myself

expressing our feelings? nah i’m just gonna eat them instead and then puke everywhere bc i shouldn’t be eating and then do it again

one time i threw up on someone’s penis and i think about it a lot

i can’t message u. i know i can’t. but i want to apologize. so here goes nothing bc u will never see this but i will never get the chance to take accountability with u unless i do this.

i know a simple “i’m sorry” won’t cut it. i’ve done too much damage for that. my mind is kinda scrambled rn cause i’ve had a Rough week but i’m just going to go through a list of the things i need to apologize for and things that i am genuinely sorry that i did. to start, i’m sorry for always talking down to u. whether it was serious or not, i always had a knack for making myself feel superior. i did it so often. we’d get into a disagreement and i always felt the need to put you down. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for isolating you from your friends and family. i never should’ve felt the need to fight for your love. that’s not how that works. it was incredibly abusive and i’m sure i don’t even know half of the damage it caused you and your loved ones. your mom, sisters, friends, i felt threatened by all of them and for some reason decided to pull you closer towards me to prove i was better than them. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for harassing zelda for months. you were always the one to put out the fires between us (the ones i caused), and that wasn’t fair to either of you. i’m sorry for commenting on them and their life and their body and worse, lying to cover it up and act like you and them were crazy. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for harassing you for months. i’m sorry i played you out to be some sort of evil villain when all you wanted was love. i’m sorry for threatening you. i’m sorry for repeatedly lying to you over things when it would’ve been so much easier to just tell the truth. i’m sorry for joking about trauma that was not mine to joke about. i’m sorry for commenting on your life or body or whatever i felt the need to to put myself above you. i’m so sorry.

i’m sorry for still feeling like i need to talk to you. i’m sorry for messaging you at all. i need to let you go so you can finally be free of me. i’m sorry for being so incredibly selfish that i feel the need to cope in ways that hurt you. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for lying to you just so i could have your attention. i’m sorry i didn’t choose healthier ways to express my needs. i’m sorry for destroying your trust. i’m sorry for doing everything i said i wouldn’t. i’m so so sorry.

i’m sorry for begging for your forgiveness just to kick you down again. i’m sorry i used mental illness as an excuse to treat you like that. i’m sorry i never listened other than when i was an inch away from losing you.

i’m sorry for taking you from the happiest time of your life to an inch from death. i’m sorry i never took you seriously. i’m sorry i took you for granted. i’m sorry i only showed i wanted you when you weren’t mine to want anymore. i’m sorry i never believed in you. i’m sorry for all the trauma i’ve caused. i’m sorry.

if there’s anything i can do, please. please tell me. if not, know that this is all from the heart i once had. i love how beautiful your soul is, even after everything.

i’ve never needed someone more than i need u rn. i miss you. i don’t miss us, but i miss you. i want to apologize. i want you to not hate me. i know that’s wrong of me, but i can’t help it. you were my favorite person. i still write you letters on the unsent project. i wonder if you ever think of me in a positive light. i have been thinking of you constantly. all i want is to make things right but i know i can’t. the damage is done. and i’m so sorry there’s nothing i can do to fix it. i wonder if you’ll ever stumble across my account on here. i have so many things for u to read. i don’t know if that would hurt you more. i’m so sorry. i’m sorry i’ve hurt you and everyone you love. i dragged them all in. i want to believe i’ve changed. maybe if you saw me now you would tell me. you’re the only one that knows the real me. i’ve done so much to fix it. all because of you. thank you. i didn’t deserve to have that chance. but i know you didn’t do it for me. i’m medicated. i’m not going to stop. i spend all of my time at work or working on music. i wish you could see me now. everyone around me feels dull. you were the light of my life and i didn’t appreciate that. i’m so sorry. i wish i could fix it.

you ever just wake up so fucking horny for food you’re like mmmmmmm toasty beans and soup

my roommates are fighting.

they’re engaged. i love them both very much but they’re both very different when they’re upset. it’s never as triggering as i expect it to be. maybe something in me is still too broken to fix.

i’ve kind of become their couples therapist. i’m usually unneeded but i’m good at looking at situations from the outside.

i do catch myself wondering if this would’ve been us. i hope not. it gets pretty heated. it’s not a bad relationship, they just clash when it comes to the communication of different agreements. i know they love each other.

i loved you even when we fought.

me vs spiraling from fear of abandonment after silence following an argument like peter u are going to die doing this ur gonna die in that stupid costume