Idk Man This Is The Only Social Media That I Have No Ties To Anyone On And I Just Need To Vent/rant/
idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.
i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.
i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.
i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.
ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.
i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.
i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.
i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.
overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.
im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.
nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.
i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.
in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.
i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.
More Posts from Tristanrhayes and Others
i guess you were right. this is a bit of a diary for me.
so, you found me. i’m working on music. it’s the only way i can ease my nerves.
if someone had told me a week ago i’d hear from you i would’ve laughed in their face. one of my old friends messaged me as well. we ended on not great terms, but we’ve made up. i wonder if this is good?
i’m living back in orlando now. i’m starting a camming company with brian. you don’t know him. basically the idea is a safe space for sex workers without the exploitation. i’m excited about it. it’s a little weird, but i enjoy sex work as long as it’s safe.
this day is dragging by. everytime i remember the call my stomach twists up. i’m very anxious. i’m grateful to anna for offering to be there with me and i’m more grateful you agreed to let her. she’s in just as much of a frenzy as i am right now.
i can’t think of much anything else to say right now. i think i’ll keep posting on here just with general life updates. you obviously aren’t required to read them, but it’s nice to have a place to talk about my life and sort my head out.
it’s strange. i’ve never looked forward to say goodbye to someone. i used to want to hold onto them until my nails broke their skin. now i understand my life is mine to live, it doesn’t matter who’s in it as long as it’s genuine and honest.
i hope you’re taking care of yourself. i hope you’re doing well. i hope you’re happy.
the only reason my favourite animal is the dunkleosteus is because of the game hungry shark where they called it “big daddy”
chat i gotta be honest i might kill myself
i hate you for making me feel again
i know i wrote three hours ago but my life moves fast i guess. i got into an argument (?) with my best friend over you. i wouldn’t really call it an argument. it was just the same shit again. her telling me you are not a good person and me defending you. she even coined the phrase CRT just for u.
she knows everything that’s happened. i think she even read the document you made. i am so frustrated with people telling me you hurt me. you did, but not on the level i destroyed you.
i am tired of people seeing me as a charity case. i am not broken or wounded. i do not need to be fixed. if i did, i’d leave it in the hands of the professionals.
she reminds me so much of you. she has this “i need to save them” attitude about the world and it hurts me. she tells me all the time that i’m the strongest person she’s ever met but when it comes to you she feels the need to fix how my brain works. it’s upsetting.
i still write about you. i wonder if you’d enjoy the music i write now? it’s very different from where it started. i’ll be honest, some of it is very accusatory and some of it is pathetic. writing is my therapy. it’s a safe way to vent my emotions and filter out what’s real and what’s a delusion. maybe someday i’ll release it. maybe someday you’ll hear it.
i can feel myself falling back into where i was when we first broke up. it’s scary. everytime my phone buzzes i hope it’s you. everytime i know it’s not.
i really wish you cared. maybe you do care. i just wish you didn’t hate me. it’s obvious why you do. that’s why i’m so confused when the people closest to me put you down.
did you eat breakfast today? are you getting enough sun?
it seems only the moon won’t tire of hearing my words about you. maybe you should talk to her.
bro i love you so fucking much i can’t even put it into words how much it is i have to create a whole new language just for that shit wtf
*smothers u in marinara sauce and licks it up*
i heard about your mom. i know she wasn’t good at being your mother but it’s okay to grieve over the loss all the same. it’s also okay to not feel anything at all. people cope in different ways.
i’m still working on my music. it’s been three days now. i have three instrumentals done and i have the album list hammered out. there’s really only one song on there about you. maybe two if you squint hard enough. i’m glad none of them are negative towards you.
i attempted to drink last night and am pleased to say alcohol still repulses me. it did give me some new ideas to map out though.
i wonder what you’re up to?
smthg abt nick just makes me so happy he is very caring and good at listening and makes me feel like i am important even if he doesn’t really try to. talked to him last night abt stuff that was bothering me and then just held me until i slept for the first time in like. several days. and even if he didn’t know who ande was he still recognized something was off and tried to talk to her. also also bro is like 18-19 do not know how to feel abt that but he talks very uhhhhhh. mature ???? idk the word for it but he acts around my age. idk if i am making it up bc of bpd stuff but i feel mildly special to him? like i knew who he was before even he told me but then he also told me first so like idk. and cuddles. and he petted my hair. and he let me be stupid and emotional over dumb stuff and did not judge me. and he did not freak out when he said i liked him a little teeny tiny bit. idk i just feel happy around him.
