The Apparition

the apparition

synopsis: after suguru’s passing, his presence seemed to linger. you thought you were crazy for thinking he was still hanging around until he appeared in front of you.

cw: mentions of death, depression, su*cidal ideations, longing for death, spiraling of mental health, ANGST, not proofread

word count: 2.8k

a/n: please let me know if i left any warnings out and i will add them! this was inspired by the song above.

You were haunted.

Haunted by him…

It had been months since Suguru passed. Not a day had passed where you didn’t think about him. You wondered if there was anything you could have done to make him stay. You continuously racked your brain trying to find something, but you always came up empty handed. In reality, there was no way anyone could have saved him from the path he chose. 

You didn’t even know why you cared so much. You hadn’t talked in years after he broke your heart by defecting from jujutsu society. But, he was the love of your life after all…maybe that’s why you could never fully let him go. 

He had tried numerous times to reach out to you, but you always ignored him, knowing that no good could come from it. Yet, deep inside, you still longed to feel his touch just one more time. 

“Whatcha thinking about?” Satoru asked, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“Suguru…sometimes it feels like his presence still lingers…” you replied in a quiet voice.

“I know what you mean. Maybe he’s watching over us…whether that be a good or bad thing,” Gojo smirked softly to himself, wrapping his arm around your shoulders giving you a squeeze.

You both stood up and went your separate ways. There was still that feeling you couldn’t shake. It felt like something or someone was watching you…

That feeling remained as you tucked yourself into bed. Your eyes fluttered softly as you began to drift off to sleep.

“Y/N…” a familiar voice called out.

There’s no way…it couldn’t be. Your eyes shot open, looking around your room until your eyes fell on him.

“Suguru…” you muttered in disbelief.

“Long time no see, pretty girl,” he smiled, sitting down on the edge of your bed. 

Rather than feeling frightened, a strange warmth engulfed you as you stared at him. It was undoubted Suguru. His hair fell on his shoulders just as you had remember it. His soft gaze and warm smile unchanged. 

“How are you here? I don’t understand.”

He just chuckled softly like he always used to when you tell him a stupid joke. The chuckle you had been dying to hear since he left. You carefully crawled towards him still not understanding what was going on. You reached out to touch his face. He allowed his head to lean into your touch, allowing you to feel his weight against your hand. 

“I have to go now, pretty,” he sighed, placing his hand on yours.

“Wait! No!” You shouted, but it was no use. He was gone just as fast as he appeared.

You still felt his face against your hand, clutching it closely to your chest. Tears began to fall uncontrollably from your eyes. Your heart felt like it had been ripped out of your chest. You still couldn’t understand what had just happened, but you were consumed by dread like you lost him all over again. 

As you went about your day, you couldn’t stop thinking about your dream or whatever it was. His chuckle echoed in head, forbidding you from focusing on your work. Why did he choose to appear now? Why did he appear at all?

“Wow, you look like shit,” Shoko stated, setting a cup of coffee in front of you.

“Thanks. I couldn’t sleep last night. I had a really weird dream…at least I think it was a dream. I don’t know,” you sighed.

“You don’t know if you had a dream?” She questioned.

“It’s complicated. It felt so real.”

“What was it about?”

“Suguru.”

“That’s nothing new. You think about him all the time.”

“No, this time was different. He visited me last night. I touched him. I heard his voice. He was real, but then he just vanished,” you explained, feeling tears sting your eyes.

“Maybe lack of sleep is getting to you,” Shoko shrugged, not giving your dream much thought.

You wanted to believe her. But, you knew what you saw. Suguru was real even though there was no way to prove it to anyone else. There was just no way he wasn’t. 

Later that night, you laid in bed, wondering if he would appear again. You weren’t sure if you wanted him to or not. The familiarity and warmth you felt when he was around brought you so much comfort, but nothing compared to the immense dread you felt when he left. You cursed him in your thoughts for leaving the first place. You never got to build a family with him like you had always planned. 

That night you tossed and turned until you felt your bed dip behind you. A pair of strong, familiar arms wrapped around you.

“You’re back,” you whisper, not yet turning to look at him.

“Of course, I am, pretty girl. I missed you,” Suguru said softly into your ear.

Your emotions balled up inside of you as tears stung your eyes. You were so angry at him but at the same time you were so happy to feel him again. But, Suguru didn’t have the right to say he missed you. He was the one who left in the first place.

“Then why did you leave?” you sniffed, finally turning on your side to face him.

He gave you sympathetic look, wiping the tears from your cheeks with his thumb. But, he didn’t say anything just yet. You could tell he was trying to find the right words. He knew he had already hurt you enough. He didn’t want to make that mistake again, but he wanted to be honest as well.

“You know, I had to, pretty girl,” he replied, “It’s just as I told Satoru. I was trying create the perfect world. I couldn’t live in a world where we had to put our lives in danger just to protect those who weren’t strong enough to protect themselves. It made me sick.”

“You know what made me sick, Suguru? The love of my life turning into a murderer. You didn’t care about just killing nonsorcerers…you killed countless of our own!” You shouted now with tears freely falling from your eyes.

This was the conversation you never got to have with him. You wanted to hear it from him about why he chose the path he did…about why he chose it over your love.

“I had to do what I had to, my love, please understand that,” he said softly.

“That’s the thing, Suguru. I will never understand why you chose that over us,” you choked out, fully sitting up now.

“I was trying to make the world a better place for us. I just wish you could have realized that.”

“Our love should’ve been enough to make you stay…We never got to start the family we always talked about. All I ever wanted was you…” you cried, breaking down completely.

Suguru quietly made his way to you, crouching down to your level. You looked at him with teary eyes, wondering why he never attempted to make things work and stay with you. He stayed silent for a moment longer before speaking.

“Your love was enough to keep me around for as long as I did. I just couldn’t stand to drag you into a mess that I created,” he said softly.

“You still dragged me into your mess, Suguru! Whether you meant to or not!” You shouted, pushing him back slightly. 

“I understand that now. I am so sorry I left things the way that I did. I’m sorry that I never gave you the closure you deserved. I thought I was protecting you, but I ended up hurting you anyway,” he said now with tears flowing from his own eyes.

You couldn’t help but wipe his tears like he had done for you so many times before. As the silence settled around you, his dark purple eyes gazed into yours. A blush dusted upon your cheeks, remembering how he always used to stare lovingly at you before giving you a kiss. It seemed so silly to cling onto such a small detail, but it was one of your favorite things about him. For a moment, you lost yourself in his eyes before they drifted down to your lips. Suguru slowly leaned towards you until your lips touched. A fire erupted inside you…a fire that you thought had long been extinguished…a fire you never thought you’d feel again. You melted into the kiss, letting him take control. As Suguru deepened the kiss, you crawled into his lap never once breaking away from his lips. It was so natural the way your bodies moved together. His cold hands ran up your shirt, sending a chill down your spine. The coldness of his touch seemed to snap you back to reality.

“What’s wrong, pretty girl?” Suguru looked up at you concerned.

“We can’t do this…you aren’t real,” you whispered.

“Of course, I’m real,” he smiled at you.

“No…I’m gonna open my eyes, and you’re gonna disappear again,” you choked out.

And that’s actually what happened…you snapped your eyes open to find your room completely empty with no trace of Suguru. You pulled your knees to your chest, sobbing uncontrollably. The dread consumed you once again. The pain in your chest almost seemed too much to bare in that moment.

“Why are you never real?” You thought to yourself as you drifted off to sleep. 

Over the next week, Suguru became a part of your nightly routine. You almost expected to see him every night. Each night, the same thing occurred. He would show up and give you comfort before disappearing once again. You knew what to expect, but it somehow became more painful each time he left. It was like he was draining the life from you. You could barely get out of bed because you thought that maybe if you stayed he would come back. Satoru and Shoko grew more and more concerned with your condition, but nothing they did could fill the emptiness you felt without Suguru.

“Y/N, you need to stop this,” Shoko said, sitting beside you in your bed.

“Shoko’s right. This isn’t healthy,” Satoru added.

“I don’t know how to make it stop…I’m not sure I want to,” you replied weakly.

“You haven’t left your bed in almost three days…” Shoko stated.

You could see the worry in both of their faces. They wanted to help you so badly, but they couldn’t help you if you didn’t help yourself first. You knew the longer this situation went on the more it would hurt you and them in the process. You were clinging onto someone who wasn’t real.

“As much as it hurts, you have to let him go,” Satoru said with a sad smile.

He was right, but his words were like knives piercing through your heart. It hurt to hear the truth. You couldn’t live with this delusion anymore. It was either you let him go or you die with him.

As you waited for Suguru to appear, you rehearsed what you were going to say to him in your head. You paced back and forth, wondering if this was really the right thing to do. A part of you wondered if it would be better to just go with him, then to exist in a world without him. You knew the pain of living on with nothing but his memory, and you weren’t sure you wanted to do that anymore.

“Pretty girl,” Suguru said warmly, interrupting your thoughts, “You look upset. What’s wrong?”

“I can’t do this anymore,” you blurted out faster than your brain could comprehend.

“What do you mean?” The hurt in his eyes evident.

“This delusion or dream or whatever this is,” you replied, “It’s beginning to make me feel like I’m crazy or something. I mean I’m seeing my dead boyfriend, talking to him, touching him, kissing him. That’s insane.”

Suguru remained silent. His face was blank with no readable emotion. He just nodded his head and gestured for you to continue as if he knew what was coming.

“Suguru, I love you so much. But, I can’t bare the pain of you leaving anymore. You either have to take me with you or let me go,” you croaked out through your tears.

“You know I can’t take you with me, pretty girl. You have the rest of your life to live. I’m not going to take that away from you,” he sighed.

“What if I wanted to go with you…” you whispered. 

Suguru shook his head. This hurt you, but this conversation hurt him even more. He wanted nothing more but to take you with him.He just couldn’t bring himself to go through with it. You were one of the last good people in the world in his eyes, and you were so young. He couldn’t throw away your potential for his own selfish benefit. 

“It’s not your time yet, love. I’ll leave you with my memory for now,” he smiled.

You felt your heart shatter into a million pieces the moment those words left his mouth. You flung your arms around him, clinging to these final moments with him. He pressed his lips against yours one last time before pulling away.

“Goodbye, pretty girl,” he said with the gentle smile he always had.

“Goodbye, Sugu,” you sniffled.

Months had gone by since you last saw Suguru. The pain got easier to manage as time went on. Shoko and Satoru supported you through the whole thing and reassured you that you had made the right choice. It was better to live without Suguru than waste your life away longing for him. It felt like a dark cloud had lifted from above you. You still thought about Suguru from time to time but not nearly as much as you used to.

You were walking back to your apartment after work. The sky was overcast, and the sound of rain hitting the sidewalk was faint. A ding rang out as a text from Satoru popped up on your phone. It was a selfie of him and Nanami with the new student they had started training. Satoru and the student were making silly faces while Nanami look as serious as ever. You giggled to yourself before hearting the image. As you looked up from your phone, you couldn’t help but notice a man walking in front of you. His long black hair was tied perfectly in a bun. The way he walked seemed eerily familiar. Even the way his hoodie drooped from his shoulder was recognizable.

“No…It couldn’t be…There is no way” you thought to yourself.

You caught a glimpse of the man’s face as he crossed the street. His eyes, nose, and mouth were undeniably Suguru’s. You couldn’t believe it. You had never seen him during the day like this. Your pace quicken as you tried to catch up with him.

“Suguru,” you shouted as you closed the distance between the two of you.

He stopped dead in his tracks almost like he was shocked that you saw him. He turned to look at you…his eyes immediately meeting yours.

“It’s really you,” you said in disbelief.

You stepped closer to him, reaching out a hand to touch him. He held your wrist gently as you placed your hand on his heart. As you studied his features, the hole in your chest reopened. All the healing you did was ripped from you as he looked into your eyes. He could see the pain in your face…he never meant for this to happen again.

“You weren’t supposed to see me, pretty girl,” he sighed.

“What do you mean?” You questioned.

“I still watch over you, pretty girl. I couldn’t let you go that easily,” he explained, “I just wanted to see you happy again.”

“I could be happy with you, though! Please, Suguru, just take me with you,” you begged.

He stepped away from you, allowing your hand to fall from his chest. It wasn’t an easy decision for him to make, but he needed to do what was best for you. He couldn’t allow himself to hold you back any longer.

“We will meet again someday, pretty girl,” he said softly.

“No, Sugu, please.”

“This will be the last time you’ll be seeing me for awhile. I love you, pretty girl,” he smiled before walking away slowly vanishing into thin air.

You wanted to run after him, but your feet were cemented to the ground. It wasn’t until after Suguru disappeared that you could move again. You ran in the direction he went, but it was too late. He had let you go for good this time…