The Moment You Actually Start Thinking About Suicide Again After Being Okay Is So Painful

my scars are fading.

i need to make more

It's painful when your presence is merely tolerated, not cherished.

Sometimes I feel like I go above and beyond for people to make up for the fact that I’ll never be good enough and in hopes that it’ll distract them enough so they don’t notice and leave.

something i realized over the years is that despite wanting to kill myself, i don't actually wanna die. far from it actually. i want to live. i want to experience all the things i always wanted to do. i want to see the world. i want to look in the mirror one day and say "im happy i stayed". i want to get better. i want to live a life free from the shackles this mental illness has kept me in. but sometimes that darkness in my brain just overtakes that hope for a better future and all i'm left with is the thought that it will never get better.

— i want to live, but not like this.

I wanna burn down every single bridge I built cause I’m tired of being the only person that makes sure it doesn’t fall apart

You know what’s selfish? Breaking someone to the point where they don’t live. Breaking them so bad that they cant be fixed anymore. When they think of life, it’s synonymous to agony. They just survive each day. It’s not selfish to want to end it. It’s liberation from suffering. It’s selfish to do this to someone repeatedly and ask them to stay.

Why should I stay when no ever did.

I am no one's favorite anything. The only people that "like" me only like what I can do for them.

Maybe what you need isn't someone to love. Maybe what you need is to feel wanted. Maybe what you need is purpose, because loving them makes you feel like your life is finally worth something. At the end of the day, maybe it isn't really about them after all.

what you don’t realize is that if i get “embarrassed,” my first thought is “kill yourself.” i’m not like.. “oh haha silly me my mistake..” NOPE.. my initial reaction is “i deserve to rot in hell.”