Cold Blood

I couldn't say anything to you back then

I have a lot of feelings about this scene. Because from Harry's POV at this point obviously Snape is the mean bully who's always picked on him for no reason and it's gratifying to see Sirius standing up to him and putting him in his place. And at this point in the story that's kind of what we as readers see too. BUT with the additional knowledge we gain about Snape throughout the rest of the story this hits so different.

Think about Snape, who spent years being tormented and humiliated by Sirius and who has carefully rebuilt himself from that, but who still has all the open wounds and trauma from it lurking just beneath the surface. Think about how he's so used to Sirius hurting and humiliating him that the second Sirius stands it's a reflex to grab his wand. And he's not just holding it. He's balled his fist around it - an obvious sign of stress from someone who usually masks it so well - because this isn't just another duel. This isn't even like facing Voldemort.

No matter that Snape is much older and more capable and more powerful now. When it's Sirius suddenly Snape is 15 again and all those memories and feelings of powerlessness and humiliation come rushing back.

Things that make me murderous: Snaters who are like “why didn’t Snape just grow up and get over it”, as if c-ptsd from a lifetime of abuse at home and school doesn’t cause damage to the mind and can’t just disappear the minute you turn 18. Untreated, unhealed childhood c-ptsd in adults is a nightmare. It is hellishly hard to function in society emotional stunting and anger issues are common. And it’s made so much worse by continuously being around triggers of your trauma.

help me pay for my meds!

finally, tadc headcanon

edit: check the follow up comics, people, I tagged them dad au, idk if it's a good name or not lol

TADC DAD AU PROLOGUE

next >>

day 19: partners-in-crime ♡

(femslashfeb prompt list)

“Snape hated Harry because Harry looked like James.” Okay. Let’s dig into this. Because it’s not a matter of, “Your dad bullied me and I’m getting back at him by being hateful to you.” It’s more complex and insidious than that. When Snape knew James as a teenager, Snape was “twitchy, like a spider.” He stuttered. He knew he could be under attack at any moment, and he was powerless: poor, with no social clout, unattractive, generally disliked. After James died, Snape was trapped back in the place where he’d been bullied, trying to be an authority figure to kids only a few years younger than him who’d watched him being bullied and assaulted. It must have been incredibly hard, but he did it. When we see him ten years later, he no longer stutters. He can keep a classroom quiet with a soft voice. He’s in control. Then, suddenly, there’s this face in the crowd again, the one his instincts associate with danger. He has to fight the automatic response to take cover or defend himself when he passes Harry in the halls. He’s twitchy again, his nerves are raw, it’s uncomfortable all the time. And then he gets face-to-face with him in class. And it’s like the clock has turned back and he’s a teenager again. Only, he’s managed to take all the things he’s fought so hard for with him: he doesn’t stutter, he can clearly say all the insults he ever wanted to; he’s the one with the power, with social standing behind him. And so all the things he would’ve liked to say to James come pouring out: the carefully created insults, the disdain. And the laughter of the Slytherins feeds the dark places in his soul. And then Harry leaves, and he hates himself. What is wrong with him? He knows this isn’t James, it’s not helping anything to treat him like this. He’s going to stop. He will just ignore the boy and get on with his life. But it never lasts. His control slips, and he says one thing, and then it snowballs, and he’s lost all that hard-won control he’s fought for all his life. He’s acting like a teenager again, and he hates it. He despises himself for it. But he won’t let anyone know his weakness. Better that everyone thinks he is petty enough to loathe the boy for no good reason than that they know how his control crumbles at a touch. So he sneers and insults him to other teachers and gets on with his self-loathing. He’s used to it, after all. And he does his best to protect the boy, to keep him alive despite all the idiot does to undo his efforts. But every time, he ends up screaming at the kid like he’s crazy. Maybe he is crazy. Normal people don’t feel out of control like this, for no reason. Just because a kid looks like his dad. So, yes. Harry looks like James, and Snape hates him for it.

Everyone Dreams of Going to Hogwarts

Every fan of Harry Potter has indulged in the fantasy of waiting for an Owl to deliver the fateful letter that will declare your future as a witch or wizard at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. Every one of us old or young had dreamed of riding the train at Kings Cross Station, taking the boats across the black lake and seeing the castle for the first time, of having dinner in the great hall, of finally figuring out where you belong in the world and it just feeling right. They fantasize about seeing their common room for the first time finally feeling that warm sense of belonging and meeting the friends that you will keep for the rest of your life. Every single one of us had fantasized about meeting our professors, exploring the grounds and discovering our latent potential. It’s a comfort for many of us and happy place to go in our minds to escape reality.

For the witches and wizards of the Wizarding World that childhood fantasy is their reality. They too wait with bated breath for their letters. They too fantasize about finally feeling that “at home” feeling, the feeling that you finally belong to something bigger and more wonderful than their wildest dreams. The chance to prove themselves. The chance to start over for many, the chance to leave their sometimes abusive homes for a place that finally actually feels like home to them. Harry was one of those people. Dumbledore was one of those people. Hermione, Ron and even Neville all find this sense of belonging sooner or later. They all find their forever home at Hogwarts the way we all dream.

Now imagine being Seveurs Snape.

You live in a house with a father that doesn’t understand you and screams and yells at you and your mother on a daily basis and you feel so alone in the world. You have one peer who appreciates in you the magic that allows you to rise above the squaller and cruelty in which you live. You have one friend who sees you for who you are and appreciates that about you truly, while being forced to inhabit a world that not only doesn’t understand you but is actually often openly hostile to you. Hogwarts, you beleive, will be your escape from this hell, and best of all you get to take this wonderful friend with you. You are being whisked away to a fairy tale castle where dreams come true and you will finally feel safe and finally feel a real sense of home. You stay up all night all week waiting by the door in the early morning for the letter that is finally going to change your life. You pour over it with your best friend, going over every aspect of this incredible opportunity in your mind over and over. You’re planning how you’ll make the most of it. You finally let yourself look forward to something, to open your heart to something, to dream of something. Your greatest hearts desire to this moment is finally coming true.

Then you get on the train.

And the hell begins before the first day has ever even started. Your friend is angry at you for something entirely out of your control, and even though you make up destiny has deigned that on this day you will meet the person that will destroy any hope you ever entertained of Hogwarts being a home at all. His name is James Potter. His partners in the crimes which will forever change your life are Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black. From the moment you meet you are ridiculed by them, physically abused by them, and the worst part is from this day forward it is never going to end.

Your best friend is put not just in a different house but in the house that hates your house the most, and from this day forward you will forever have a strain on the only true friendship you’ve ever had. From this day forward you will have to meet them either in secret or at least in private to avoid angering both your houses at best and facing ridicule at worst. The moments you stole with this friend in the muggle hell will ironically be the only moments of peace you’ll truly have with them. Not only that, but they are sorted into the same house that 4 of your worst tormentors reside in.

But it’s even worse. Because although at home you can escape form your father and potential school bullies by hiding yourself away in some nook or cranny, making yourself scarce, staying out late at night in the woods or just being as quiet as possible; you will never be able to escape the torment that now awaits every day. You have classes with them, you run into them, you see them trying to take away the only friend you have every day. And it doesn’t even end there, now they have a tracking device that you don’t know about, but somehow they manage to find you no matter where you hide. No matter where you go they are somehow always there. No matter who you talk to, they all act like you’re crazy. Because none of the other professors or students know about the marauders map they find you strange for jumping at every blow of the wind. Because they don’t know about the map they don’t believe you at all when you try to explain that somehow James Potter and his gang seem to pop up conveniently every single place you go to hide and they even blame you for trying to figure out how to protect yourself. They tell you you’re bringing it on yourself for being too weird or too jumpy or too nosy. Even your best friend in the world is starting to doubt you. You feel like you’re going insane.

So you try to have your tormentors expelled. You try so hard to figure out something, anything that will end the days on end of suffering and abuse. But you’re the weird kid. You’re the ugly kid. You’re the emo goth kid. Nobody gives a shit about you and you know it. You know you’re on your own. You’re a half blood, so the the people in your house who were supposed to have your back ignore you at best and tease you about it at worst for letting Gryffindor students get the best of you. Any hope you had of Hogwarts being your home has been destroyed.

So you try to follow James and The Gang around. Yes everyone sees you as creepy for this, becusse you don’t have a map that magically tells you where they will be at all times. You have to go about it the old fashioned way. You hide behind bushes, you peak around corners. Yes everyone finds you creepy now on top of everything else, but it’ll be worth it if you can finally enjoy what was promised to you at age 11, a home. You’ll finally be able to breathe.

But no. Instead what happens is your tormentors figure out that you know that they are putting the lives of students in danger by wandering the grounds with a werewolf against the wishes of the headmaster. You know that if you can just prove it that the torment will be over, but what you don’t know is that they are one step ahead of you, and for the unimaginable crime of trying to thwart them; they are going to plan to inflict a dangerous illness of lycanthropy on you at best, maul you to death at worst. You are close to both your proof and your death when one of them gets cold feet at the last minute and decides he doesn’t in fact want to go to prison.

You think “maybe it’s finally over now”, “maybe everyone will see now that they are cruel, that this is what they’re really like”, “maybe I’ll finally get a moment of peace, maybe Dumbledore and Lily will finally beleive me”. But no. Of course not. Because remember, you’re the weird emo Slytherin kid and your life is secondary. It always has been. Dumbledore swears you to secrecy to protect one of your tormentors, so you get no justice for the attempt on your life. Because Dumbledore had forbidden you to speak about your traumatic experience of almost being murdered, your best friend doesn’t beleive you at all and instead blames you for sneaking around. They don’t even give you the chance to defend or explain yourself. Instead you’re made out to be the creepy bad guy who wants to destroy the Potter Gang out of jealously.

Worst of all you secretly suspect that your best friend has a thing for the person who makes your life a living hell every single day. You see the stolen glances and the way they look at each other, the way she is never totally on your side. You tell yourself that this is all in your head, that Lily would never betray you that way. That all the hours you spent dreaming of Hogwarts together will mean more than a crush. But oh, sadly you are very wrong there too.

Not even a few months after attempting to take your life your abusers are back at again. Remorseless as ever they hunt you down like dogs and follow your every footstep. You haven’t a moment of peace even to do your normal school work. The only place you are safe is your common room, and even then you can’t let your guard down.

Then one day it happens.

The little pieces of happiness that you’ve managed to tuck away from yourself are cruelly ripped away. They manage to find you again. The torment us as usual. They all gang up on you, each taking a go for their own amusement. They fling you on your back, force you to vomit, force you to listen to their emotional abuse while they make a go at hitting on your best friend, and the torment does not end there. Now they are picking you up off the ground and taking off your clothes. Now on top of every other humiliation they have amused themselves by sexually humiliating you in front of everyone in your class including your closest ally. Every part of you is on fire inside and out and the depth of horror and hurt inside you is so big you don’t know what to do with the feeling. Then your friend finally steps in. But now you’re so hurt and angry that it’s bursting out of you in the worst possible ways.

Now the worst thing finally happens.

You call your best friend a slur; something you know will hurt them more than any other thing, because you’re destroyed, because you’re angry at them for letting it get this far, because you’re humiliated and because you’re tired of not being held in a higher regard than the person who has ruined your life; because you’re sick of their moralizing and their pitty.

Now you’ve lost the only person you’ve ever really felt close to. Now you’ve lost any human sympathy forever.

And it’s not over yet. Now you’re upside down again. And this time they aren’t content with exposing the rest of your body for the world to see. Now they are out for blood, and the revenge they have settled on is Sexual Assault. They remove your underwear to expose your most private parts to the world and there is nothing you can do about it. Nowhere you can go. No one who cares. No one who will come to your rescue.

Snape must have felt so hopeless it’s a wonder he didn’t try to end his life. People have done so over much less.

Hogwarts was never truly a home for Severus Snape. Even in adulthood he works in the place that was the site of innumerable traumas and heartaches. Everyday he faces trigger after trigger of the worst day of his life, while protecting the progeny of the only person he ever felt close to and the person who cruelly ripped away any chance he had at normal life. This is why I feel for Severus Snape so much in every scene. He is confronted every day with the worst memories a person can endure yet he chooses to be brave anyway. He chooses to do the right thing anyway. He puts other people’s well-being first anyway. He chooses the side of the light beyond all that had conspired to make a sociopath out of him. He holds a place in his heart for love and he protects that love with his entire being. Platonic love is just as powerful as romantic love and Severus Snape is the perfect example of this. A person even in the worst circumstances can still make the most difference in the world, can still choose to be their own person and make their own choices. Even when the world is wholly against him, Severus Snape is the pinnacle of integrity.

This is why he’s my favorite character. He’s the bravest character in the narrative, but he’s also the character with the most integrity.

Overcorrecting

Actual canon:

Furthermore:

I get wanting to distance yourself from old inaccurate fanon but recently it feels like the fandom is just being contrarian and overcorrecting so much they create a new fanon, just in the opposite direction

I drew Franziska again in her outfit from the collaboration cafe at the time of the 20th anniversary…

There is also a time lapse from the middle to the middle. The file size was too large to record all the way through😂

Thinking about Snape’s patronus being a doe.

Thinking about how Snape’s patronus was not another stag to compete for the doe’s affection. It was another doe, a fellow doe.

Thinking about how Snape’s patronus might have been something else before. A bat maybe? But it changed to a doe.

Thinking about how Snape loved Lily. Probably at one point it was infatuation, a crush. Do we have to limit it to just unrequited love though? The platonic love wasn’t unrequited. I don’t think Lily stopped thinking of Severus as a friend, even to her dying breath. Childhood best friends just don’t leave you like that.

Thinking about Severus Snape promising to be Dumbledore’s right hand man. Thinking about Severus Snape at his first Order meeting, sitting awkwardly alone, apart from everyone. No one in his life ever showed him how to be good. Except one person.

Thinking about Severus Snape trying to emulate Lily Evans as he tried to choose the right. Trying to remember the way she stood up for what she believed in. Failing over and over and over again. Making snide remarks, throwing out slurs, physically harming those he disagreed with. Every time with Lily’s voice in the back of his head, reprimanding him. Knowing he could never do right by her. But always trying again. Always.

Thinking about Severus Snape realizing slowly and all at once how wrong his youthful ideas about muggles and wizards had been. How stupid he was for believing them in the first place. Wishing he could go back, choose better, try again. Knowing he can’t. Remembering Lily. Working harder to fix things. Still failing in the little ways that make all the difference.

Thinking about Severus Snape, a decade into his service, casting a patronus, expecting to see his little bat, and seeing her. Well, not her, but her patronus. A doe. His patronus. A doe.

Thinking about how Severus Snape’s patronus is a doe because he worked to become the friend he betrayed. To pay back his debt, to make things right however he could. To protect her son. Her son who he hated because he was the exact replica of Severus’ own childhood bully. But still her son. Her eyes. He had to protect her eyes, the eyes that were still watching, still disapproving.

“Look. At. Me.”