"Kill Him, Lesbians!"

He ate his friend. He ate his fucking friend

Convesation between my mum and brother

Brother: He was in the way so we killed him

Mum: You killed your friend in his sleep?

B: It gets worse…

M: …

B: …

M: …

B: We skinned him.

M: …

B: We needed the leather!

“Physically I’m here, but spiritually I’m in 15th century France being a lesbian.”

“It should be easier once we get rid of the pile of noses...”

-My mother, not making nearly as much without context

“I would make a better Hitler than Hitler!”

-My brother

“She’s a basic bitch with a basic calculator”

-One of the wisest people I ever knew

"Well, congrats on the vaginal knowledge!"

"I'm so lonely... SHIT I FORGOT TO EMAIL THEM BACK!"

"I am feeling emotions and I am not sure how to deal with it."

"Moles are slowly killing me..."

So nobody said anything funny today, but I just witnessed two guys pick up a bench and attempt to walk away with it, and I can’t just not acknowledge that