You Sometimes Think You Want To Disappear, But All You Really Want Is To Be Found.

Dream Journal 10

We are on our way to Ishgard now to find more on “Jessielle” and her house Vignesang.  Miss Sasani and Miss Sasari were…not extremely pleased to bring her up, and I can understand the pain behind it.  I think most of the caravan knew once Sasani returned for a few moons and…the elezen was nowhere to be seen.  Hearing more of her

Eh, probably for the best

Kiratai in his chair is a hard sight.  He is so proud, and I can see it bothers him to be…helpless?  Maybe that’s not how he feels, I don’t know.  But he is different now.  And I hate I cannot sit on his shoulder anymore

Still, he was a great comfort on the journey here.  Another dream (though I obviously didn’t immediately write it down).  I was younger, in the great river.  It was the day I was left behind – it’s not an easy to forget setting. But I was there, looking across the steppe…and I saw one of the women again.  It was the one with the arrowhead jewelry on her chest, the older one.  She saw me, and we locked eyes.  She immediately turned and hurried away into the rocks.  I followed as quickly as I could, but when I found her, she was disappearing in a swirl of lights and chimes.  Nothing remained of her there.  I searched a little longer, before realizing I needed to return to the river and my family. After that, the dream was the same as it has been before – I am searching for them, and they’ve left me alone.

Another journal entry...

It’s funny, I think Kiratai told me once, the more you practice something, the easier it becomes.  It was when he was teaching me how to read and write in this tongue - and he was right.  He usually is.  The more I read, the easier it became.  The more I practiced speaking, the easier it came to me.

I haven’t spoken hingan in   kami be good, it’s been a few summers since.  The steppe was different, I could slide into my natural tongue like sliding down a cool riverbank.  Hingan was never my tongue, but I had to learn it with Aruktai.

Anzu introduced me to a visitor, a new friend.  The poor girl was struggling with eorzean     Anzu knew how to speak, and asked if I did, too.  I expected I’d have to knock off a lot of rust

It was like someone else took over.  The first ten minutes I had to concentrate on the words, really think about how to speak again, and then after that?  It was as if it hadn’t been years since I last spoke it.

I wonder, sometimes, how much truth was in Kiratai’s words, and how much that there is something different happening

The dreams have continued - the song sounding so much more desperate as it invades my mind.  Images of a barren world   bathed in light    a great pain to the dark tree I see planted in the center of my thoughts - but what does it all mean?

I need to ask someone if they know what it could mean.  Could I still be suffering from when

Reblog this if you roleplay or are willing to roleplay on Discord

The Star | Persona - What is your Major Arcana Social Link unto others?

The Arcana is the means by which all is revealed. Happiness, and joy are irreplaceable and will forever live in the heart of thee." The Star Arcana is also commonly associated with hope, self-confidence, faith, altruism, luck, generosity, peace and joy. You are filled with hopefulness and joy.

@little-purple-thundercloud, for your viewing pleasure, lol

This Journal is Earning its Keep...

I don’t know if he felt the same way.  I know for me it was...odd?  To just hold a conversation with...some disinterest?  To not focus on his voice and just his words?

And to not act like anything happened, and yet for it to be apparent that it was not ok?  I think I make sense.  I know what I mean, shut up.

Lyta is Lyta.  That she has lovers has always been constant.  I wish I could know what it is about her.  But so does Kahlua.  Anzu.  Sasari.  Wicked white, even Kaoru now, they have someone they are seeing romantically.  Not sure why that bothers me...

What is it about me?  Why am I unlovable?  What do they see about me that I can’t see?  What is it about them that I cannot be?

Is it this scar?  Is Suzume right?  I killed that woman, and now I’m the monster?  And they all see it in me?

Conflux, Pt. 8

Anafenza awoke with a start again, her body feeling sore like she’d been swimming for malms upstream. She was lying on a bed, just big enough for her body to fit on top of, her tail uncomfortably folded under her and pushed to one side.  An extra pillow was folded and under her neck, helping to support her head so that all the weight wasn’t on her horns.  She was covered by a scratchy, wool blanket, and she could feel clothes covering her body, only adding to the discomfort.  There were bright lights above her, and she could tell she wasn’t in the disappearing cavern anymore.

Did…did it work?

She shifted, trying to move, and groaned a little as her sore muscles screamed in protest.

The rest of the space was sterile white walls and a plain grey carpet.  More of the beds were lined along the wall next to her bed, and over the head of each one on the wall was a dark glass window.  Most were off, but the one over her bed blinked and flashed with white characters and squares of varying shades of blue.  As she pushed herself up to rest on an elbow, one of the blue boxes flashed and turned red with a triangle symbol inside; she looked at it curiously, before turning to look around more.

There was some shuffling, and then a soft voice called out from around a corner.  “Oh!  You’re awake!”  A petite woman stepped around the corner, wearing an outfit similar to the Commander’s except that it was mostly white.  She had the same badge on her chest as Jessica, too.  Her light brown eyes smiled along with her wide lips.  “How do you feel, Ana?”

Anafenza coughed and shook her head, sitting up all the way.  “I know I’ve felt better.  Where am I? How do you know me?”

She smiled again.  “I’m Doctor Dubois; you’re onboard the Rafale.  You came with Jes- Commander St. Peter.”  Her cheeks went a little pink at her near misspeak, but Ana didn’t try to understand the reason for the embarrassment.  “When you materialized on board you collapsed on the transport pad; we brought you here to the sickbay.  It’s sort of a…hospital.”

Anafenza nodded.  “How long…have I been sleeping?”

“You were out for most of the day,” came a familiar voice, and Ana turned her head to see both Jessicas step through a double door that had separated with a whoosh.  Stormy looked like she was still excited beyond belief to be living in this fantasy.  The Commander moved near Dubois, and the two shared a silent look and a smile.  “Thanks, JD.”

The Doctor nodded and stepped back around the corner, leaving Ana and the Jessicas.  The Commander cleared her throat.  “We’re not sure if it had to do with the ‘aether’ in the cavern, or if it is unique to your race, but the scar grew while we were being rescued.”

Anafenza pulled up her top to check underneath, not minding when the two woman glanced away for a moment as she flashed them.  Sure enough, the snaking, ivy-like mass of scales reached up beyond her collarbone now, just resting at the base of her neck.  It wound down further past her waist; a quick check of her legs rewarded her with more of the scales down nearly to her left knee now.  She sighed and shook her head.  “I do not know; it’s nothing to do with my race, I know that. The curse expanded?”

“I don’t know about curse, but it certainly helped,” Stormy chimed in, hopping over and settling down at the foot of the bed.  She put a comforting hand on Ana’s leg and gave her a small squeeze.  “The Commander’s crew says that their transport system was able to find us easier and rescue us because of the beacon you became.  It was like you said; you guided them to us.”

Anafenza smiled.  “I’m…glad it helped.  I don’t know what happened, but I’m glad it helped?”  The three of them laughed a little.

“Now to get you two home,” the Commander remarked, and the other two nodded.  “We have a theory for how, but we’re still finishing the final simulations.  Until then, you’re guests on the Rafale, and I’d like to show you both around.”

Stormy smiled wide and nodded, before suddenly pausing and shaking her head.  “Wait…when do you wipe our memories?  Don’t you have some kind of ‘temporal prime directive?’”

The Commander shrugged. “We’re willing to make an exception to the policy.  Too much has happened, and if I want to remember it, I’m sure both of you would like to as well.  I don’t want to take that away.”

Anafenza nodded. “That would be nice, yeah.”

Dream Journal 6

The dream tonight was more familiar to me.  I was in a cave, the steady drip of water echoing as it fell from the ceiling.  I wandered for a time, not lost but unsure of where I was to go.  I finally happened upon a large cavern, with vaulting cieling above.  I looked about, before I suddenly just appeared before me, as if it had been there always

In the center of the cavern stood a large tree, the trunk large around   The branches were filled with leaves, despite the darkness of the cavern. An energy radiated from it, a dark aura      Creeping up the trunk was a creeping vine that seemed to wind its way around the tree and up into the branches, its dark red leaves trying to choke out the tree.

I know this tree; I first saw it after I killed that woman and took that curse on me.  This was nothing new to me.

I found myself compelled to touch it, and I reached out a hand.  I gasped when I did as I felt a rush of energy pulse through me.  I heard similar gasps of surprise from near me, and I looked up to see

What was new were the other two women in the cavern with me.  Each had blue skin and hair, nearly identical in appearance save for their clothes. They seemed surprised to see me and the other, each inspecting their own tree, similar in appearance to mine except for the vine, that also stood in the cavern.  The younger of the two was touching her tree with a large hand sheathed in metal.  The other held a device that looked like those tomestones, the device giving off a soft chiming noise.  She, too, had placed a hand cautiously on her tree.

And as we now finally saw one another, I awoke, shivering.

What is going on with me?

Another night, another escape...

They’re married!  And I am genuinely, without a doubt, absolutely happy for them!  I knew it was coming even when i told him I loved him.  And it never bothered me.  I am very happy I went to celebrate.  They were adorable.  And I meant every word.  Every blessing.  They are perfect together, and I couldn’t be happier for them.

But Khala.  what he said bothered me more than it should have.  more than I think it should have.  “I don’t find every au ra attractive,” and I could feel him avoiding looking at me.  of course he meant me.  this after complimenting ayame on her beauty.  And anzu.

Ayame, Anzu, Suzume...all of them Raen.  All of them refined.   Cultured.  Learned.  Beautiful in their white scales and pale complexions.

is this what makes someone beautiful?  is this why I’m not?  Because I’m a dark-scaled, dark-skinned savage from the steppe?  Is this why no one consorts with me except out of pity?  I thought it just this accursed scar on my side, or my sins but

i am ugly.  mayhaps I shoudl just clothe myself and save everyone the suffering of looking upon me.

Another entry...

i still wish I hadn’t said anything to Lyta. Just let her bring the mangey maingey mangei dirty cat with her. And no, I didn’t know she was handling things in private because it was in private - every time we were in public it was like she just ignored what happened. i would have never known she was supporting me. Im thankful Anzu was there to back me up but also to keep us...more civil than anything else

i miss lyta. I need to ask her about thise these problems. the song. the scar. The dreams. Did that girl Jessika have them too? Hear the song too? And why, everytime I touch my sword (which has become even more awkward to control and use) the word “Bloodthorn” screams in my mind.

we think we found where the twins were being held. thank the twelve their they’re still alive...Master Zezewai is going to infiltrate another possible location alone, but I’m sure Lyta and Elrick are correct so I will be going with them, assuming Lyta doesn’t turn my words and intentions against me and force me to stay back with Myra. I just want to make sure they’re safe. I hope we can save them

The Warrior of Light from Final Fantasy 14 is so funny. Like there's nothing inherently hilarious, it's pretty standard Fantasy Hero fare, but it's just the epitome of it, because it never ends.

Imagine being a normal person in this world and you see this catgirl living down the street going about her business. One day she's out getting groceries, another she's practicing archery, another she goes on a date with her wife. Then the next day she slays a dragon god summoned from beyond time or some shit. And the next day she's going fishing. And you're not even impressed anymore. Because this person has been single-handedly protecting the world for years. But there's nothing else special about her. She's normal. She's getting the same groceries you are. She raises racing birds in her spare time. She destroyed a giant robot by herself yesterday. She's wearing a new scarf.