Meaning Of Names

Meaning of Names

It wasn’t a big deal. It didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter that Roman just called him Anxiety. He had only told them his name a few months ago. It was normal that they would still slip up from time to time. They had called him Anxiety for years. It didn’t matter.

Now, all Virgil needed to believe these lies he was feeding himself and go from there.

Virgil groaned and curled into himself. He had locked himself into his room and was blaring his music in an attempt to drown out his thoughts.

Maybe it would be easier to believe that it didn’t matter if Roman had called him “Anxiety” during a fight. He could shove it aside easily. It was easy to lose yourself in the heat of the moment. Now that would’ve been no big deal.

But, Roman had called him when they were picking a movie for their typical family Friday night. They had been bantering back and forth when Roman had laughed, pushed Virgil’s shoulder jokingly, and said, “Whatever you say Anxiety.”

Virgil had froze.

Roman seemed to realize that he had said the wrong thing immediately. He had tried to backpedal but all Virgil could focus on was getting out of that room. He had stumbled away from Roman and sunk into his room before Roman could notice how much trouble Virgil was having with breathing.

He had collapsed in his bed, shuddering and gasping for air as he cried.

It wasn’t a big deal.

It wasn’t like they never called each other by their trait before. It wasn’t common, they all preferred to be called by their name, but it did happen. None of the others made a fuss about it. So, he was obviously just overreacting.

But, Virgil though, the others had only called him Virgil since they had accepted him. Except for Thomas slipping up when they were sorting each other into houses, no one had called him Anxiety.

Maybe it was stupid, but it had made all the difference into feeling accepted into their family. Anxiety was a villain. Virgil was a fellow Light Side. Anxiety was always working to hold Thomas back. Virgil was just trying his best to protect Thomas. Anxiety was someone to keep an eye on to make sure that he didn’t mess anything up. Virgil was someone to keep an eye on because he was the youngest side and they felt like they needed to protect him.

So when he had been called Anxiety, months after he had been accepted, it hurt. Suddenly, he was back on the outside looking in. All the feelings of incompetence and loneliness came rushing back to him.

He wiped at his eyes and rolled onto his back. He had managed to calm his breathing back into his regular 4-7-8 breathing pattern. After he had time to breath and calm back down, he just felt stupid.

The others had to think that he was being so idiotic. Freaking out because Roman called him the name that he went by since he manifested. Overreacting Drama Queen, that what he was. He certainly gave Roman a run for his money with that performance.

It had to have been an hour after he had run from Roman when one of the others came knocking on his door.

“Virgil? May I enter?” Virgil groaned and buried his head in his hands. Of course it had to be Logan who came to talk to him. Logan had become Virgil’s go to side to help him through his panic attacks and his “cognitive distortions”. He had a way of talking Virgil through his anxieties that really left him feeling calm.

But, Virgil knew that Logan wouldn’t be talking him out of his cognitive distortions this time. Logan would berate him for freaking out over something so small and insignificant. It wasn’t logical at all. But as much as Virgil wanted to hide away from Logan’s words, he knew that he deserved them.

He flicked his fingers and his door unlocked with a click. He heard Logan shut the door behind him as he entered and walk towards his bed, turning Virgil’s music off on his way. His mattress dipped as Logan sat on Virgil’s bed.

“I apologize for not coming sooner.” Logan said gently. “I was in the subconscious with Patton checking on things and making sure that was there was nothing that could harm Thomas down the road. Thankfully, we found nothing and returned as soon as we were able. Roman told us what happened and I came immediately.”

Virgil moaned and tugged his hair. “It was stupid.” He muttered. “S’was being a Drama Queen.”

“Yes, Roman does has a penitence for that.” Virgil huffed a laugh at Logan’s reply. He threw his hands to his side and sat up against the headboard so he could see Logan. He was dressed in his standard outfit and there wasn’t a hair out of place. His face was pinched with concern and he had his hands clasped in his lap. Virgil brought his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them. He avoided Logan’s eyes.

“It wasn’t him. I was the one who had a stupid panic attack because of something that didn’t even matter.” Virgil said sourly. Logan tried to meet his eyes but Virgil moved his gave so it landed anywhere but Logan.

“There is no such thing as a stupid panic attack.” Logan said firmly. “If something gave you one, then it is a valid concern.”

Virgil scoffed and tightened his grip on his knees. His eyes landed on his bed covers. “We were choosing movies for tonight.” He muttered. “And, it was so stupid.” He said harshly. “Roman, he called me Anxiety by accident. I know that he didn’t mean to. It wasn’t his fault. I told you it wasn’t a big deal.”

Virgil felt a rush of surprise when Logan gripped his chin and moved his head so he was meeting his eyes. Light shadows were gathering under Logan’s eyes but it didn’t seem to be affecting him nearly as much as it did when Virgil ducked out.

“It upset you.” Logan said. He was speaking in the same calm voice he always did when Virgil was recovering from a panic attack. “Therefore, it was a big deal.” He slowly reached for Virgil’s hand and, when he didn’t receive a signal to stop, cupped it in his free one. “May I ask why it upset you?”

Virgil blinked his eyes furiously and gripped Logan’s hand as tight as he dared. Logan reciprocated in turn.

“It, it reminded me,” Virgil choked back a sob and his jaw trembled with the effort. “It reminded me of when we weren’t, you know, so close.”

Logan closed his eyes and nodded. “You mean,” He whispered. “When we weren’t a real family.”

A small sob finally escaped Virgil’s lips. He managed to bite back the rest of them but the damage was already done. Logan released his grips on Virgil’s chin and hand and shuffled up so he was sitting next to him. He wrapped an arm around Virgil’s shoulders and rested his head on them. He wanted to say something that would show Logan that he really was overreacting but he was sure that he would start blubbering again if he so much as opened his mouth. So he stayed quiet and let Logan do the talking.

“We made many mistakes when it came to you.” Logan said quietly. “We treated you terribly and there were, and still are, no excuses to this fact. It is no wonder that you wouldn’t want to remember that time in any way.”

“I should’ve told you my name sooner.” Virgil said wetly. He nestled closer to Logan. Tears began to slip down his face.“I should’ve tried harder.”

Logan shook his head and gently wiped Virgil’s tears away. “Telling us your name took a lot of trust. Trust that needed to be built up over time. And as for trying harder,” He shrugged. “You were defensive and had walls built up over years of isolation. Yes, you lashed out at us at times. But we were not blameless. We could’ve welcomed you at the beginning and made sure that you were not alone. That was our failure.” He tightened his grip on Virgil. “It is one that we will not repeat.”

Virgil couldn’t think of anything to say except, “Is Roman okay?”

“He is fine. Just worried about you.” Logan smiled at him and squeezed Virgil’s shoulders in reassurance. “He feels terrible about giving you a panic attack. He tried to enter your room to help you but he said that he wasn’t sure that you heard him.”

Guilt curled in Virgil’s stomach. He had just set his music to the loudest setting in his panic without even thinking about it. Of course Roman would be come to see if he could help. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Logan shook him gently. “Don’t go blaming yourself.” He disentangled himself from Virgil and stood up. He reached for Virgil’s hand again and squeezed it. “Patton should be done making dinner by now. Would you like to come downstairs or do you want to stay here?” The shadows underneath Logan’s eyes had darkened. Virgil swung his legs over his bed and, with Logan’s support, stood up.

“Yeah, dinner sounds good.” Virgil gave Logan a shaky smile. “we still watching movies afterwards?”

“Of course. It is Friday.” Logan guided them out of Virgil’s room and towards the stairs before he stopped. He turned so he was meeting Virgil’s eyes. Virgil had never seen him look so serious.

“Virgil, I want you to remember what I am about to tell you.” Virgil nodded shakily, “You will never be the outsider again. You will always be part of our family. You do have to worry about being cast out because you will always be our Virgil. Do you understand me?”

Virgil wiped at his eyes again. A sort of feeling that he had trouble identifying was burning in him and he honestly didn’t think that he could love Logan more than he did in that moment even if it tried.

“Good. Now, I suspect that Roman will be waiting to apologize to you the moment we step inside the kitchen. Both his and Patton’s sunshine will be turn up to eleven on the metaphorical dial so, if you want, you could sit next to me so the glare will not be so bright.” Logan smirked at him. “Not that you’ll be able to escape Patton’s particular brand of sunshine when we watch the movies. He is quite worried about his dark strange son.” He teased.

Okay, he was wrong. It turned out he could love Logan more. He wondered if there was any limit to his love for his family. He thought that if there was, he had broken through it a long time ago.