Martyrs

tumblr is such a unique experience in 2021 because it’s probably the only place on the internet, or in real life, really, where there is absolutely no point. there is no agenda, and no purpose, it’s just a place i can create this little bubble of art, and self-expression, and poetry, and live in it peacefully. scrolling through my blog and appreciating photography, fashion, literature, etc. just feels like a beautiful respite from everything outside of this website? no news no performance no productivity just pure vibes

Friendly reminder: when people say ‘as long as you tried your best’ it doesn’t mean ‘the best you could possibly have done ever’ it means ‘the best you were capable of at the time.’ Sometimes ‘trying your best’ is just getting out of bed in the morning. Just because you weren’t working yourself to the bone doesn’t mean you weren’t trying your best. 

10 Feet Away

my mind wants to get away.

so that I can just be alone, so I can’t hurt anyone else,

especially you.

I feel like a threat

and I can't get away

yet here I am, only 10 feet away

Stick to the Plan.

the cycle starts again.

why do i keep messing up?

just stick to the plan.

learn to stop talking.

you have to stick to the plan.

stop hurting the people you love.

stick to the plan.

jesus, have some self control.

stick to the plan.

you’ve been this way for so long,

why can’t you stick to the plan?

what’s wrong with your brain?

can’t you just stick to the plan?

you promised yourself you’d stop,

just stick to the plan.

it’s really not that hard.

stick to the plan.

you’re not trying hard enough to fix yourself.

if you’d just stick to the plan,

you wouldn’t be stuck in these problems.

stick. to. the. plan.

- a girl with no self-control. who acts on impulse even when she knows it’s wrong; who doesn’t know how to describe the way she feels; she never knows when to stop and god does she wish she did.

“All we know

Is that stars will fall

And holidays come and go”

most common thought: damn haha im going to have to deal with that sooner or later

it’s a rare light, that I chase to the end.

it’s a rare book, that i read to the end.

Emotional Abuse

Some people won’t believe you

Because your scars are hidden

Way beneath your skin

People only believe what they can see

And that should be a sin

I Miss the Way You Made Me Feel.

i miss the feeling of your lips on mine

how delicately you kissed me

always making sure i was okay in between each one

i miss your breath on my skin

the goosebumps you caused

with something as simple as air

i miss how your hands felt on my body

tracing my outline

with the slightest of touch

never going too far

i miss how safe i felt when you held me

and the way you’d gently kiss my head

your arms holding me just tight enough

i miss your gentle eyes

how beautiful they were

i miss your smile

and how perfectly it sat on your face

especially the times when you would smile in between each kiss

i miss the way you looked at me

like i was the most beautiful being you’d ever seen

i miss how you’d point out each of my insecurities and tell me how much you loved them

telling me i was worth something

i miss how special you made me feel

and i miss so much more about what you did

but what’s most important is

i don’t miss you.

I've always been the one to talk too much or too loud, but in those moments she was there. Her silent rivers flowed across my cheeks as she tried to comfort me. I used to think she and I were nothing alike, but in growing up, she became all that I was. Silence, the kind of comforting ache that sits with you while you’re talked over and forgotten, but she never forgets you. She once held me in her arms while I sat and watched the stars. I saw a shooting star and wished for her to leave, so I could be heard; yet she always found her way back to me. In silent car rides and silent rooms, she held me the way I wished my mother would. Eventually, I learned to appreciate her. I meditated with her and learned her language. She told me she loved me, but hated that I was becoming her. She told me to speak, to be heard. It's hard at first when she is all you know, but I wanted to be heard. I wanted to be seen. So I became louder and louder and she cheered me on from the quiet corners of every room